Diaper Man / Montel Cums Dirty Lyrics – Jerry Springer: the Opera

Diaper Man

[JERRY (spoken)]
So, Montel, what's on your mind?

[MONTEL]
I've been seeing Andrea here,
And we're in love,
We're in love,
We're in love!

[JERRY (spoken)]
And what is it that you want to tell Andrea?

[MONTEL]
Well, Jerry...

[JERRY (spoken)]
Don't talk to me. Talk to Andrea.

[MONTEL]
Baby, I love you with all of my heart,
But there is one thing you could do for me,
Which could change my life!
Change my life!

[ANDREA]
Tell me, baby!
Tell me, baby!

[MONTEL]

Well, baby...

[ANDREA]
Tell me, baby!
Tell me, baby!

[MONTEL]
Well, baby...

[ANDREA]
Tell me, baby!
Tell me, baby!
Tell me, baby!
Tell me, baby!
Tell me!

[MONTEL]
I wanna be your baby, baby.

[ANDREA]
You are my baby, baby!

[MONTEL]
What I mean is...
I wanna be your BABY.

[ANDREA]
...What?

[MONTEL]
Be your BABY.

[ANDREA]
You've gotta be kidding...

[MONTEL]
Be your baby, be your baby.

[ANDREA]
You've gotta be kidding...

[MONTEL]
Be your baby, be your baby.

[ANDREA]
Tell me this is bullshit!

[MONTEL]
Babe, I wanna be your baby, baby!
B-A-B with a Y!
B-A-B-Y!

[ANDREA]
What the fuck?!
What the fuck?!
Jesus Christ!
What're you saying?!

[MONTEL]
If baby gets bad, if baby gets slack,
Mama give B-A-B-Y big, big smack!

[ANDREA]
Montel, what're you saying?

[MONTEL]
Baby!

[ANDREA]
Stop it!
What the fuck is happening here?

[MONTEL]
Baby!

[ANDREA]
Stop it!

[MONTEL]
Baby!

[ANDREA]
Watch it!
Montel! Montel, what the fuck is going on here?

[MONTEL]
Mama get all angwy.

[ANDREA]
Stop it, Montel!
Stop it!

[JERRY (spoken)]
Andrea, you seem upset. What is it you want to say to Montel?

[ANDREA]
Montel...

[MONTEL]
Mama.

[ANDREA]
Stop this.

[MONTEL]
Mama.

[ANDREA]
We can...

[MONTEL]
Mama.

[ANDREA]
...work it out!

[MONTEL]
It mean a lot to me, baby.

[ANDREA]
Get some therapy!

[MONTEL]
It would help in the bed department!

[ANDREA]
...Bed department?

[MONTEL]
Yes!

[ANDREA]
Are you saying I'm bad in bed?!

[MONTEL]
No, baby!

[ANDREA]
What then?

[MONTEL]
Well...

[ANDREA]
Spit it out! Spit it out!
Are you trying to say you're gay?!

[MONTEL]
No, baby!
It's so very hard...

[ANDREA]
Put some pants on!
Be a man,
And tell me! Tell me!

[MONTEL]
Well...

[ANDREA]
What?

[MONTEL]
It's...

[ANDREA]
What?

[MONTEL]
Er...

[ANDREA AND ENSEMBLE]
What?!

[JERRY'S INNER VALKYRIE]
Please don't tell us,
We can guess!

[JERRY (spoken)]
Will you get out of my head?! I'm working here! Now get out!

Montel Cums Dirty

[MONTEL]
Some people like to relax in casinos,
Others get their kicks shoving powder up their nose,
That's how it is, that's how it is,
That's how it is, that's how it is,
Some people chill with a pill or a reefer,
Others like to eat their lunch off a whore's beaver,
That's how it is, that's how it is,
For some, morning mass,
For others, hairy ass.

I got a need, a special desire,
A little thing, a harmless thing, which sets my soul on fire,
Which sends we spinning into space and puts me in a trance.
A little thing, a harmless thing!
A little thing, a harmless thing!

I just wanna shit my pants.
Oh, I just wanna shit my pants.
Oh, pooping in my Calvin Kleins!

(Scats)

It might seem pathetic,
Might show a lack of class,
I only feel the real me,
When the shit's pooring out of my ass.

[JERRY (spoken)]
So, spit it out, Montel! What's the big secret?

[MONTEL]
I had to get my diaper action.
I had to get my diaper action.
I've been seeing Baby Jane!

Last Update: June, 10th 2013