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Prologue/Schlimmer Lyrics > Gutenberg! The Musical!

Prologue/Schlimmer Lyrics


[BUD, spoken]
Prologue

The lights rise on the squalid, stinky bedroom of a friend of Gutenberg

[DOUG, spoken]
The roof is?made?of dirty thatch!
In?the corner, there are rats, gnawing?in stinky cheese
And lying absolutely still in the center of?the?room...
Without?moving...
Is a dead?baby!

[BUD, spoken]
Gutenberg’s friend and?the doctor examine the dead baby

[DOUG (as Doctor), spoken]
Well, we did all we could
I’m afraid your baby... is dead

[BUD (as Gutenberg’s Friend), spoken]
But I gave him this medicine!

[DOUG (as Doctor), spoken]
Them ain’t medicine
Them’s jelly beans

[BUD (as Gutenberg’s Friend), spoken]
Jelly beans?!
But...

[DOUG (as Doctor), spoken]
If only you could read...
See ya

[BUD (as Gutenberg’s Friend)]
Jelly beans, not medicine
If only I could read;
My son, he wouldn’t need... an elegy
Stupid beans! Not medicine!
Oh god, here in this jar...
I can’t read what these are
Damned jelly beans!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
Hello friend
Is there anything Johan Gutenberg can do?

[BUD (as Gutenberg’s Friend), spoken]
Shut up!

[DOUG, spoken]
Friend of Gutenberg sobs like a woman
He cradles his dead baby in his illiterate arms
Blackout!

Act I, Scene 1
Schlimmer, Germany
A German town, full of German things
Like feet and short pants
Gutenberg walks down the dark streets of this medieval burg
And encounters a woman and her daughter on their way to market
They’re carryin’ kraut
Sauerkraut!

[BUD (as Woman #1), spoken]
Oh good morning, Mr. Gutenberg!

[DOUG (as Gutenberg), spoken]
Call me Johan! Johan Gutenberg!

[BUD (as Daughter), spoken]
Hello Mr. Butengerg!

[DOUG (as Gutenberg), spoken]
It’s Gutenberg!
How are you today, little girl?!

[BUD (as Daughter), spoken]
As happy as I can be... considering I can’t read
[DOUG, spoken]
Another woman throws open her shutters to greet the morning
She dumps her stinky chamber pot
And suddenly, the town of Schlimmer is alive
Not alive like a monster
But alive like a town!

[BUD (as Woman #1)]
It’s nice to live in Medieval Germany
In the beautiful town of Schlimmer!
We all get along in perfect harmony!

[DOUG (as Beef Fat Trimmer)]
I’m a beef fat trimmer!

[BUD (as Woman #1)]
Hey!

[DOUG (as Beef Fat Trimmer)]
The beef comes in all white with fat
It leaves a good bit slimmer

[BOTH (as Drunk #1 and Drunk #2)]
We’re just drunks comin’ home from the bar
In the beautiful town of Schlimmer!

[DOUG (as Drunk #1), spoken]
Hey, Gutenberg, ya got any wine?!

[BUD (as Drunk #2), spoken]
Yeah! You’re the wine presser! Tell us where the wine is!

[DOUG (as Drunk #1), spoken]
Is it over ‘ere?

[BUD (as Drunk #2), spoken]
It’s not over ‘ere!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
Hey, hey fellas! My wine isn’t the answer to all your problems!

[BUD (as Drunk #2), spoken]
Oh yes it is!

[DOUG (as Drunk #1), spoken]
It’s not like we can read!

[BUD (as Drunk #2), spoken]
I can’t read!

[DOUG (as Drunk #1), spoken]
Gutenberg, let’s have some fun!

[BOTH (as Drunk #1 and Drunk #2)]
Gutenberg!
Darn tootin’-berg
He’s the back chap around
Well, at least in this town
Sure as shootin’-berg

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
Call me Johan!

[BUD (as Drunk #2), spoken]
Oh, that Gutenberg!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
Johan!

[BUD (as Boot Plaque)]
Gutenberg!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
Hey, it’s the boot plaque!

[BUD (as Boot Plaque)]
Shine your boot-enberg!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
Sure boot plaque!

[BUD (as Boot Plaque)]
You’re a man in his prime
Making friends all the time
No refutin’-berg

(spoken)
Ten ducats!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
Hey hey hey!

[BUD (as Boot Plaque), spoken]
Oh Gutenberg, ho ho ho!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
Okay now fellas
I gotta be gettin’ back to my wine press shop
Don’t you guys have anything to do?

[BUD (as Drunk #2), spoken]
No!

[DOUG (as Drunk #1), spoken]
It’s not like we can read!

[BUD (as Drunk #2), spoken]
You can’t read!

[DOUG (as Drunk #1), spoken]
You can’t read!

[BUD (as Drunk #2), spoken]
Well, wh- what are you going to...

[DOUG (as Drunk #1), spoken]
Gah ah ah ah ah!

[BUD (as Drunk #2), spoken]
Oh shut up!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), spoken]
Oh, come on guys, let’s not fight!
Here, I’ll buy you a flower from that anti-semitic flower girl!

[BUD (as Flower Girl)]
Here’s a posey you can wear on your lapel
I stole it from a Jew
He cried and he fought and I sent him straight to hell
So now it belongs to you!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg)]
Ooh, Schlimmer!
My lovely Schlimmer!
You are the best darn town in Germany!

[BUD (as Boot Plaque)]
Gutenberg!

[DOUG (as Beef Fat Trimmer)]
Gutenberg!

[BUD (as Flower Girl)]
Gutenberg!

[BOTH (as Drunk #1 and Drunk #2)]
Gutenbar-ar-ar-argh!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg)]
I’m the pride of Schlimmer

[BUD (as Boot Plaque)]
He’s the pride of Schlimmer!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg), overlapping]
I’m the cremé de la creméer

[BOTH (as Johan Gutenberg and Flower Girl)]
He’s/I’m the pride of Schlimmer!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg)]
I’m the cremé de la creméer

[BUD (as Drunk #2), overlapping]
He’s the pride of Schlimmer!

[DOUG (as Johan Gutenberg)]
I am-

[BOTH (as All)]
Gutenberg!
Last Update: October, 02nd 2023

Gutenberg! The Musical! Lyrics

  1. OK! Here We Go!
  2. Prologue/Schlimmer
  3. Friendly...but Also Suspicious.
  4. I Can’t Read
  5. Did Helvetica Actually Exist?
  6. Haunted German Wood
  7. The Press Song
  8. I Can’t Read (Reprise)
  9. A Giant Tree...Of Goodness
  10. Biscuits!
  11. This Show Is Not About Biscuits!
  12. What’s the Word?
  13. Helvetica Is Crying in Her Bucket
  14. Stop the Press
  15. Now Anything Can Happen!
  16. Tomorrow Is Tonight
  17. Here We Go Again! The Second Act!
  18. Second Prologue
  19. Words, Words, Words
  20. Monk With Me
  21. (Might as Well) Go to Hell
  22. Like a Million Drunks...
  23. Festival!
  24. Finale

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