Lovers' Spat Lyrics — Schmigadoon!

Lovers' Spat

JOSH: (spoken)
Oh no, no, no, no, no, no
Please, no song, I'll do anything

MELISSA: (spoken)
Yeah, guys, we're actually in the middle of some—

MAN #1:
You can't plow a field without hittin' some stones

WOMAN #1:
Every steak's bound to have some fat

WOMAN #2, ENSEMBLE:
You can't eat a fish without gettin' some bones
And you can't have love without having a lover's spat

JOSH: (spoken)
Would you leave us alone for just a minute?

MELISSA: (spoken)
Seriously, please

WOMEN:
First she says somethin' bound to get his gander

MEN:
Then he says somethin' mean to get her back

WOMEN:
Then she complains that he don't und?rstand her

MEN:
And then he giv?s her a smack

MELISSA: (spoken)
Oh, oh no, that's not okay
Unless it's consensual

MEN:
It's just a
Love-love-lover's spat

WOMEN:
Just 'cause you're feudin'

ENSEMBLE:
Don't mean that you're concludin'

MEN:
It's as plain, plain, plain as that

ENSEMBLE:
It's only a lover's spat

WOMEN:
First he says

JOSH: (spoken)
Yeah, I-I'm not doing this

MEN:
Then she says

MELISSA: (spoken)
Oh, what a surprise,
You don't want to talk about it

WOMEN:
Then he says

JOSH: (spoken)
Um, what is that supposed to mean?

MEN:
Then she says

MELISSA: (spoken)
It's not supposed to mean anything;
I said what I meant

WOMEN:
Then he says

JOSH: (spoken)
I can't do this with all these people around

MEN:
Then she says

MELISSA: (spoken)
Oh, you can't do this period

ENSEMBLE:
Every gal and feller
Are bound to have a yeller

JOSH: (spoken)
We have to get out of here

MELISSA: (spoken)
Yeah, yeah

MILDRED:
Eve and Adam frolicked in the garden
Living there was such a sweet delight
'Til Adam, he said,
"Madam, beg your pardon
But my apple's missing a bite"

MEN:
They (They) had (Had) a (A)

ENSEMBLE:
Love-love-lover's spat

WOMEN:
Just 'cause you're wranglin'

ENSEMBLE:
Don't mean that you're untanglin'

MEN:
It's as plain, plain, plain as that

ENSEMBLE:
It's only a lover's spat

MEN:
First she says

MELISSA: (spoken)
So what's the plan, Josh,
Look for someone new?

WOMEN:
Then he says

JOSH: (spoken)
I'm not having a discussion
That's part of a musical number

MEN:
Then she says

MELISSA: (spoken)
Why won't you just answer the question?

WOMEN:
Then he says

JOSH: (spoken)
Fine, yes, if it's a way to get out of here

MEN:
Then she says

MELISSA: (spoken)
I knew it, I knew it

WOMEN:
Then he says

JOSH: (spoken)
Agh!

ENSEMBLE:
It's just a
Love-love-lover's
(It's just a lover's, lover's) spat
Just 'cause you bicker
Don't mean that you'll end quicker
It's as plain, plain, plain
(It's as plain, as plain) as that
It's only a lover's spat

When he puts her on the spot
And she spits out of spite
They're a kettle and a pot
Both convinced they're right
And they think it's all for nought
Then they kiss goodnight

MELISSA: (spoken)
It's over

JOSH: (spoken)
Mel

MELISSA: (spoken)
No, I mean it, we're officially broken up now
You're free to find true love with whoever you want
'Cause this is it, the end
And, and you suck,
And I hate you,
And I hope you die

JOSH: (spoken)
Mel

MELISSA: (spoken)
Stop saying Mel,
You sound like a freakin' idiot

ENSEMBLE:
That's how you end a lover's
How you end a lover's spat
Last Update: December, 09th 2025