Twenty Million People lyrics
Twenty Million People
BENJY
My name is Benjy Stone and 1954 was my favorite year
Not my best year, not the year I had the most success but my favorite year
It`s the year that separated my life into before and after
You see, in 1954 I made the jump from smartass kid
from the deli pushing a joke with every cruller to Freshman Writer on TV?s hottest show
The King Kaiser Comedy Cavalcade and every Saturday night at 8 p.m. we went on the air live!
ANNOUNCER
Five minutes!
BENJY
God, once, just once I wanted to sneak in and diddle the clocks
so we?d go on the air five minutes early so America would see the show before the show
But back then, they were a lot more careful about violence on television
KING KAISER
Aaah!
I?m missing a button
SY
This is crap!
K.C.
Who?s missing the last two pages?
KING KAISER
They told me the caveman sketch was out
ALICE
Would somebody shoot me!
SY
Total crap!
BENJY
Who ordered the black new sugar?
CHORUS GIRLS
Together now, 5, 6, 7, 8!
ALL
Five minutes to go
From
Twenty million people
No, twenty million plus
Twenty million plus Americans watching us
Curling up on sofas
Calling in their pets
Passing out the popcorn
Turning on their television sets
Twenty million ordinary folks
KING KAISER
And your careers go down the drain if they don?t like the jokes
ALL
Ninety little minutes to get by
In front of twenty million people
Tonight!
BENJY
That?s King Kaiser, star of Comedy Cavalcade
A great guy
KING KAISER
This is Crap!
BENJY
Honest
And these are my fellow writers
Sy Benson, Headwriter, also known as the ulcer who walks like a man
And here?s Alice Miller and Herb Lee, two people joined at the funny bone
ALICE
Sy, these jokes are old enough to vote
You gotta make some cuts
SY
No cuts!
Nobody touches my material!
Nobody!
KING KAISER
Sy, you cut those dogs out of the monologue yet?
SY
Dead and gone, King Baby!
ALL
Twenty million reasons
We?re guaranteed to bomb
Twenty million small catastrophes
But we?re calm
Facing every challenge
Performing at our peak
Ninety little minutes up the creek
In front of twenty million people
BENJY
K.C. Downing, assistant to the producer
She?s nuts about me
K.C., we all set for out regular date after the show?
K.C.
Regular date, we don?t have a regular date
We had one date, at which you completely humiliated me
BENJY
I thought you liked my walrus impression
K.C.
I was planning to eat those breadsticks!
BENJY
I am love with the bread girl
It felt like paradise
It felt like war
It felt like
It felt like 1954
It was the best time I?d ever known
My first jokes were on the air
My first credits shining there
Benjy Stone
Benjy Stone
ANNOUNCER
Benjy!
Stop!
The telephone
BENJY
Hello
BELLE
Benjamin Darling, this is your mother
BENJY
Mom, it?s almost show time
BELLE
I?m calling only to remind you?re coming here for dinner tomorrow night
BENJY
Yeah, I know
BELLE
You bringing cake?
BENJY
Oh, mom I?m kinda busy now
BELLE
Cause if you are I?ll tell Rookie that he shouldn?t stop at
Coverment?s when he picks up the newspaper in the morning
BENJY
I?ll bring cake, okay
BELLE
Fruit or Crumb
BENJY
Whatever you want
BELLE
Benjamin Darling, I want whatever you want
BENJY
Crumb
BELLE
Fruit would be better
BENJY
Fruit
BELLE
Oi-oi-oi! The show is coming on
I can?t talk right now
Kisses Benjamin,
Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah!
BENJY
Mwah, mwah, mwah!
It?s Saturday night
SEVERAL PEOPLE
I need a new zipper!
SY and OTHERS
This is Crap!
K.C. and OTHERS
Who?s missing the last two pages?!
ALICE
Oh my God!!
KING KAISER
They told me they cut King Tut last night
ALICE
Oh my God!!
SEVERAL GIRLS
Would somebody shoot me here and now!
KING KAISER
If only we had another week
CHORUS GIRLS
Together now, 5, 6, 7, 8!
ALL
One minute to go!
BENJY
God, what a show!
ALL
Twenty million people
Expecting something great
Twenty million?
ANNOUNCER
Places everyone!
ALL
It?s too late!
Let the costumes fit God
Please keep me on the staff
Make the show a hit God
Most of all, God, let the people laugh
Twenty awful seconds to prepare
GIRLS
You hold your breath
GUYS
You pray for death
ALL
And then you?re on the air!
Ninety little minutes to survive
In front of twenty million people
ANNOUNCER
5, 4, 3, 2...
KING KAISER
Welcome to The King Kaiser Comedy Cavalcade
ALL
Live!
[Thanks to Michael for lyrics]
Last Update: October, 30th 2014