My Fair Lady script

My Fair Lady script

My Fair Lady Script - Broadway musical

Sorry, sir,
I've already got it there.

Over here, sir!

Freddy, go and find a cab.

- Watch out, ducky!
- Get on with it, gov.

Don't just stand there, Freddy.
Go and find a cab.

All right, I'll go. I'll go.



- Look where you're goin', dear.
Look where you're goin'.
- I'm so sorry.

Two bunches of violets trod
in the mud. A full day's wages.

- Freddy. Freddy,
go and find a cab!
- Yes, Mother.

Oh, he's your son, is he?

Well, if you'd done your duty
by him as a mother should,

you wouldn't let him spoil
a poor girl's flowers and
then run away without payin'.

Oh, go about your business,
my girl.

And you wouldn't go off
without payin' either.

Two bunches of violets
trod in the mud.

- Jove! Good heavens!
- Oh, sir, is there
any sign of it stopping?

- I'm afraid not.
It's worse than before.
- Oh, dear!

If it's worse, it's a sign
it's nearly over.

Cheer up, captain.
Buy a flower off a poor girl?

- I'm sorry.
I haven't any change.
- Oh, I can change half a crown.

- Here, take this for tuppence.
- I told you, I'm awfully sorry.
I haven't-- Oh, wait a minute.

Oh, yes. Here's three ha'pence,
if that's any use to you.

Thank you, sir.

Hey, you, be careful.
Better give him a flower for it.

There's a bloke here behind
that pillar, taking down every
blessed word you're saying.

I ain't done nothing wrong
by speaking to the gentleman.

I've a right to sell flowers
if I keep off of the curb.

I'm a respectable girl,
so help me.

-I never spoke to him except to
ask him to buy a flower off me!
-Oh, don't start!

- What's all the bloomin' noise?
- There's a "tec"
takin' her down.

Well, I'm making
an honest living!

- Who's doing all that shouting?
- Where's it coming from?

Oh, sir, don't let him
charge me! You don't know
what it means to me!

They'll take away me character
and drive me on the streets!
For-- For speaking to gentlemen!

There, there, there, there.
Who's hurting you, you silly
girl? What do you take me for?

- On my Bible oath,
I never spoke a word.
- Oh, shut up, shut up.

- Do I look like a policeman?
- Then what'd you take down
me words for?

How do I know you took me
down right? You just show me
what you wrote about me.


- What's that? That ain't proper
writing. I can't read it.
- I can.

"I say, captain, now buy you
a flower off a poor girl."

Oh, it's 'cause
I called him "captain."

-I meant no harm. Oh, sir, don't
let him lay a charge against me
for a word like that!

- I'll make no charge.
- You don't know what--

Really, sir, if you are
a detective, you needn't
begin protecting me...

against molestation from
young women until I ask you.

Anyone can tell
the girl meant no harm.

He ain't no "tec." He's
a gentleman. Look at his boots.

How are all your people
down at Selsey?

Who told you my people
come from Selsey?

Never mind. They do.

How do you come to be
up so far east?
You were born in Lisson Grove.

Ohh, what harm is there
in my leaving Lisson Grove?

It weren't fit for a pig
to live in and I had to
pay four and six a week.

-Oh, live where you like,
but stop that noise.
-Come, come, he can't touch you.

You have a right
to live where you please.

- I'm a good girl, I am!
- Yes, dear. Yes.

- Where do I come from?
- Hoxton.

Well, who said I didn't?
Blimey, you know everything,
you do.

You, sir. Do you think
you could find me a taxi?

I don't know whether you've
noticed it, madam, but it's
stopped raining. You can get a
motor bus to, uh, Hampton Court.

- Well, that's where
you live, isn't it?
- What impertinence!

Hey, uh, tell him where
he comes from, you want
to go fortune telling.

Cheltenham, Harrow,

Cambridge and, uh, India?

- Quite right!
- Blimey, he ain't a "tec."
He's a bloomin' busybody.

- That's what he is.
- If I may ask, sir,
do you do this sort of thing
for a living at a music hall?

Well, I have thought of it.
Perhaps I will one day.

He's no gentleman. He ain't,
to interfere with a poor girl!

- How do you do it, may I ask?
- Simple phonetics.

The science of speech.
That's my profession.
Also my hobby.

Anyone can spot an Irishman
or a Yorkshireman by his brogue,

but I can place a man
within six miles.

I can place him
within two miles in London.
Sometimes within two streets.

He ought to be ashamed
of himself, unmanly coward!

- Is there a living in that?
- Oh, yes. Quite a fat one.

- Let him mind his own business
and leave a poor girl--
- Woman!

Cease this detestable
"boo-hooing" instantly...

or else seek the shelter
of some other place of worship.

I've a right to be here
if I like, same as you.

A woman who
utters such disgusting
and depressing noise,

she has no right to be anywhere,
no right to live.

Remember that you're a human
being with a soul and the divine
gift of articulate speech,

that your native language
is the language of Shakespeare
and Milton and the Bible.

Don't sit there crooning
like a bilious pigeon.


Look at her
A prisoner of the gutters

Condemned by every syllable
she utters

By right, she should
be taken out and hung

For the cold-blooded murder
of the English tongue

- Ohh!
- "Ohh!"

Heavens, what a sound
This is what the British

Calls an elementary education

Come, sir, I think
you picked a poor example.

Did I?

Hear them down in Soho Square
dropping "H"s everywhere

Speaking English
any way they like

- Uh, you, sir,
did you go to school
- What do you "tike" me for
a fool

No one taught him
"take" instead of "tike"

Hear a Yorkshireman, or worse
hear a Cornishman converse

I'd rather hear
a choir singing flat

Chickens cackling in a barn

- Just like this one
- Garn!

"Garn"! I ask you, sir,
what sort of word is that?

It's "ohh" and "garn"
that keep her in her place

Not her wretched clothes
and dirty face

Why can't the English teach
their children how to speak

This verbal class distinction
by now should be antique

If you spoke as she does, sir
instead of the way you do

- Why, you might be
selling flowers too
- I beg your pardon?

An Englishman's way of speaking
absolutely classifies him

The moment he talks
he makes some other
Englishman despise him

One common language
I'm afraid we'll never get

Oh, why can't the English
learn to

Set a good example
to people whose English

Is painful to your ears

The Scotch and the Irish
leave you close to tears

There even are places where
English completely disappears

Well, in America, they
haven't used it for years

Why can't the English teach
their children how to speak

Norwegians learn Norwegian
The Greeks are taught
their Greek

In France, every Frenchman
knows his language
from "A" to "zed"

The French don't care
what they do, actually, as long
as they pronounce it properly.

Arabians learn Arabian with
the speed of summer lightning

The Hebrews learn it backwards
which is absolutely frightening

Use proper English
You're regarded as a freak

Oh, why can't the English

Why can't the English learn

To speak

Thank you.

You see this creature
with her curbstone English,

the English that'll
keep her in the gutter
'til the end of her days?

Well, sir, in six months,
I could pass her off as a
duchess at an Embassy ball.

I could even get her
a job as a lady's maid
or a shop assistant...

which requires better English.

Here, what's that you say?

Yes, you squashed cabbage leaf;

you disgrace to the noble
architecture of these columns;

you incarnate insult
to the English language.

I could pass you off
as, uh, the Queen of Sheba.

- Ohh! You don't
believe that, captain?
- Anything's possible.

I, myself, am a student
of Indian dialects.

Are you?
Do you know Colonel Pickering,
the author ofSpoken Sanskrit?

I am Colonel Pickering.
Who are you?

I'm Henry Higgins, author of
Higgins' Universal Alphabet.

I came from India to meet you.

- I was going to India
to meet you!
- Higgins!
- Pickering!

- Higgins!
- Where are you staying?
- At the Carlton.

No, you're not. You're staying
at 27-A Wimpole Street.

- You come along with me. We'll
have a little jaw over supper.
- Right, you are.

- Indian dialects have
always fascinated me.
- Buy a flower, kind sir?

- I'm short for me lodging.
- Liar.

You said you could change
half a crown.

You ought to be stuffed
with nails, you ought!

Here, take the whole bloomin'
basket for sixpence!

A reminder.

- How many are there, actually?
- How many what?
- Eh, Indian dialects.

No fewer than 147
distinct languages are
recorded as vernacular.



- Ohh.
- Shouldn't we
stand up, gentlemen?

We've got a bloomin' heiress
in our midst.

Would you be looking
for a good butler, Eliza?

Well, you won't do.

It's rather dull in town
I think I'll take me to Paris

The missus wants to open up
the castle in Capri

Me doctor recommends
a quiet summer by the sea

Wouldn't it be loverly

Where you bound for this year,
Eliza? Biarritz?

All I want is a room somewhere

Far away
from the cold night air

With one enormous chair

Oh, wouldn't it be loverly

Lots of chocolate
for me to eat

Lots of coal
makin' lots of heat

Warm face, warm hands
warm feet

Oh, wouldn't it be loverly

Oh, so loverly sittin'

Abso-bloomin'-lutely still

I would never budge

'Til spring crept
over the windowsill

Someone's head restin'
on my knee

Warm and tender as he can be

Who takes good care of me

Oh, wouldn't it

Be loverly





All I want
is a room somewhere

Far away
from the cold night air

With one enormous chair

Oh, wouldn't it be loverly

Lots of chocolate
for me to eat

Lots of coal
making lots of heat

Warm face, warm hands
warm feet

Oh, wouldn't it be loverly

Oh, so loverly sittin'

Abso-bloomin'-lutely still

I would never budge

'Til spring crept
over the window sill

Someone's head
resting on my knee

Warm and tender
as he can be

Who takes good care of me

Oh, wouldn't it

Be loverly




Oh, wouldn't it

Be loverly




Wouldn't it

Be loverly

Come on, come on.

Come on, Alfie, let's
go home now. This place
is giving me the willies.

Home? What do you want
to go home for?

It's nearly 5:00. My daughter
Eliza'll be along soon.

She ought to be good
for a half crown for
her father what loves her.

Loves her? That's a laugh.
You ain't been near her
for months.

What's that got to do with it?
What's half a crown after
all I've give her?

When did you ever
give her anything?

I give her everything.

I give her the greatest gift
any human being can give
to another: life.

I introduced her to this
here planet, I did, with
all its wonders and marvels.

The sun that shines,
the moon that glows.

Hyde Park to walk through
on a fine spring night.

The whole ruddy city
of London to roam around in,
sellin' her bloomin' flowers.

I give her all that,

then I disappears and leaves her
on her own to enjoy it.

Now, if that ain't worth
half a crown now and again,
I'll take my belt off
and give her what for.

You've got a good heart,
Alfie, but you want a
half a crown out of Eliza,

- you better have
a good story to go with it.
- Leave that to me, my boy.

- Good morning, George.
- Not a brass farthing.

- Good morning, dear Algernon.
- Not a brass farthing.

London Press! Come on,
get your London Press here.

Lovely Spanish onions,
only five pence apiece!
Five pence apiece!

There she is.

Tomatoes over here.
Nice, ripe tomatoes.

Why, Eliza, what a surprise.

Hop along, Charlie.
You're too old for me.

-Don't you know your
own daughter, Alfie?
-How you gonna find her if you
don't know what she looks like?

I know her, I know her.
Come on. I'll find her.

- Eliza, what a surprise.
- Not a brass farthing.

Aye, here.
You come here, Eliza!

I ain't gonna take
me hard-earned wages
and let you pass 'em on
to a bloody pub keeper!


Eliza, you wouldn't have
the heart to send me home
to your stepmother...

without a drop of liquid
protection, now, would ya?

Stepmother, indeed.

Well, I'm willing to marry her.
It's me that suffers by it.

I'm a slave to that woman,
Eliza. Just because I ain't
her lawful husband.

Ah, come on. Slip your old dad
just half a crown to go home on.

- Well, I had a bit of luck
meself last night.
- Yeah?

So, here.

But don't keep comin' around
countin' on half crowns from me.

Thank you, Eliza.
You're a noble daughter.

Beer, beer
Glorious beer

Fill yourself right up to here

- But she's been ill.
- Yeah, I know.

You see this creature with her
curbstone English, the English
that'll keep her in the gutter
'til the end of her days?

In six months,
I could pass her off as
a duchess at an Embassy ball.

I could even get her a job as a
lady's maid or a shop assistant
which requires better English.

You disgrace to the noble
architecture of these columns!

I could even get her a job as a
lady's maid or a shop assistant
which requires better English.

Now, how many vowel sounds
do you think you've heard

- I believe I counted 24.
- Wrong by a hundred.

- What?
- To be exact, you heard 130.

- Now listen to them
one at a time.
- Must I?

I'm really quite done up
for one morning.

Your name, please.

- Your name, miss.
- My name is of no concern
to you whatsoever.

One moment, please.

Oh, London is getting
so dirty these days.

I'm Mrs. Pearce,
the housekeeper.
Can I help you?

Oh, good morning, missus.
I'd like to see
the Professor, please.

- Could you tell me
what it's about?
- It's business
of a personal nature.

Oh. One moment, please.

- Mr. Higgins?
- What is it, Mrs. Pearce?

There's a young woman
who wants to see you, sir.

A young woman?
What does she want?

Oh, she's quite a common girl,
sir. Very common, indeed.

I should have sent her away,
only I thought perhaps
you wanted her to talk
into your machine.

- Has she an interesting accent?
- Simply ghastly, Mr. Higgins.

- Good. Let's have her in.
Show her in, Mrs. Pearce.
- Very well, sir.
It's for you to say.

You know, this is rather
a bit of luck. I'll show you
how I make records.

We'll set her talking
and then I'll take her down
first in Bell's Visible Speech,

and then in broad Romaic,
and then we'll get her
on the phonograph...

so you can turn her on
whenever you want with the
written transcript before you.

- This is the young woman, sir.
- Good morning, my good man.

- Might I have the pleasure of
a word with you face-to-face?
- Oh, no, no, no.

This is the girl I jotted down
last night. She's no use.
I've got all the records I want
of the Lisson Grove lingo.

I'm not going to waste another
cylinder on that. Now be off
with you. I don't want you.

Don't be so saucy. You ain't
heard what I come for yet. Did
you tell him I come in a taxi?

Nonsense, girl.
What do you think
a gentleman like Mr. Higgins
cares what you came in?

Oh, we are proud.

Well, he ain't above
giving lessons. Not him.
I heard him say so.

Well, I ain't come here
to ask for any compliment,

and if my money's not good
enough, I can go elsewhere.

- Good enough for what?
- Good enough for you.

Now you know, don't ya?
I'm come to have lessons, I am.

And to pay for 'em too,
make no mistake.

Well. And, um, what do you
expect me to say?

Well, if you was a gentleman,
you might ask me to sit down,
I think.

Don't I tell you
I'm bringing you business?

Uh, Pickering, should we ask
this baggage to sit down
or should we just throw her
out of the window?

Oh! I won't be called a baggage,
not when I've offered to pay
like any lady.

What do you want, my girl?

I-- I want to be a lady
in a flower shop...

instead of standing at the
corner of Tottenham Court Road.

But they won't take me
unless I can talk more genteel.

He said he could teach me.
Well, here I am.

Ready to pay him, not asking
any favor. And he treats me
as if I was dirt!

I know what lessons cost
as well as you do,
and I'm ready to pay.

- How much?
- Now you're talkin'.

I thought you'd come off it
when you saw a chance
of getting back a bit of what
you chucked at me last night.

- You'd had a drop in,
hadn't you, eh?
- Sit down!

- Oh, well, if you're going
to make a compliment of it--
- Sit down!

- Sit down, girl.
Do as you're told.
- Ohh!

- What's your name?
- Eliza Doolittle.

Won't you sit down,
Miss, uh, Doolittle?

Oh. I don't mind if I do.

Now, uh,

- how much do you propose
to pay me for these lessons?
- Oh, I know what's right.

A lady friend of mine gets
French lessons for eighteen
pence an hour...

from a real
French gentleman.

Well, you wouldn't have the face
to ask me the same for teachin'
me my own language...

as you would for French, so I
won't give more than a shillin',
take it or leave it.

You know, Pickering,
if you think of a shilling...

not as a simple shilling,
but as a percentage
of this girl's income,

it works out as fully
equivalent of, uh,

60 or 70 pounds
from a millionaire.

By George, it's enormous.
It's the biggest offer
I ever had.

Sixty pounds!
What are you talking about?
Where would I get sixty pounds?

- I never offered you 60 pounds!
- Oh, hold your tongue.
- But I ain't got 60 pounds!

Oh, don't cry, you silly girl.
Sit down. Nobody's going to
touch your money.

Somebody's going to
touch you with a broomstick
if you don't stop sniveling.

Sit down!

Oh, anybody would think
he was my father.

If I decide to teach you,
I'll be worse than
two fathers to you.

Oh, here.

- What's this for?
- To wipe your eyes.

To wipe any part of your face
that feels moist.

And remember,
that's your handkerchief
and that's your sleeve,

and don't confuse the one
with the other if you want to
become a lady in a shop.

It's no use to talk to her
like that, Mr. Higgins.
She doesn't understand you.

Here, give
that handkerchief to me!
He give it to me, not to you.

Higgins, I'm interested.

What about your boast that you
could pass her off as a duchess
at the Embassy ball, eh?

I'll say you're
the greatest teacher alive
if you can make that good.

I'll bet you all the
expenses of the experiment
that you can't do it.

I'll even pay for the lessons.

Oh, you're real good.
Thank you, captain.

You know,
it's almost irresistible.

She's so deliciously low,
so horribly dirty.

I ain't dirty!
I washed my face and hands
before I come, I did.

- I'll take it.
I'll make a duchess of this
draggle-tailed guttersnipe.
- Ohh!

We'll start today. Now.
This moment. Take her away,
Mrs. Pearce, and clean her.

Sandpaper, if it won't come off
any other way. Is it a good fire
in the kitchen?

- Yes, but I--
- Take all her clothes off
and burn them, and ring up
and order some new ones.

Just wrap her in brown paper
'til they come.

You're no gentleman, you're not,
to talk of such things.

I'm a good girl, I am,
and I know what the likes
of you are, I do.

We want none of your slum
prudery here, young woman.

You've got to learn
to behave like a duchess.

Now take her away, Mrs. Pearce,
and if she gives you
any trouble, wallop her.

- I'll call the police, I will!
- But I've got no place
to put her.

- Well, put her in the dustbin.
- Ohh!

Come, Higgins, be reasonable.

You must be reasonable,
Mr. Higgins. Really, you must.

You can't walk over everybody
like this.

I? Walk over everybody?

My dear Mrs. Pearce, my dear
Pickering, I had no intention
of walking over anybody.

I merely suggested we should
be kind to this poor girl.

I didn't express
myself clearly...

because I didn't wish to hurt
her delicacy or yours.

But, sir, you, you can't
take a girl up like that...

as, as if you were picking up
a pebble on the beach.

- Why not?
- Why not? But you don't
know anything about her.

- What about her parents?
She may be married.
- Garn!

There, as the girl
very properly says, "Garn!"

Who'd marry me?

By George, Eliza,

the streets will be strewn
with the bodies of men...

shooting themselves for your
sake before I've done with you.

Here, I'm going.

He's off his chump, he is.
I don't want no balmies
teaching me.

Oh, mad, am I? All right,
Mrs. Pearce, don't ring up
and order those new clothes.

- Throw her out!
- Stop, Mr. Higgins.
I won't allow it.

- Go home to your parents, girl.
- I ain't got no parents.

There you are. She ain't got
no parents. What's all the fuss
about? Nobody wants her.

- She's no use to anybody
but me, so take her upstairs!
- But what's to become of her?

Is she to be paid anything?
Oh, do be sensible, sir.

What would she do with money?
She'll have her food and her
clothes. She'll only drink
if you give her money.

Oh, you are a brute! It's a lie!
Nobody ever saw the sign
of liquor on me.

Oh, sir, you are a gentleman.
Don't let him speak to me
like that.

Does it occur to you, Higgins,
the girl has some feelings?

Oh, no, I don't think so.
No feelings we need worry about.

- Well, have you, Eliza?
- I've got my feelings,
same as anyone else.

Mr. Higgins, I must know on what
terms the girl is to be here.

What's to become of her when
you've finished your teaching?
You must look ahead
a little, sir.

What's to become of her
if we leave her in the gutter?
Answer me that, Mrs. Pearce.

That's her own business,
not yours, Mr. Higgins.

Well, when I'm done with her
we'll throw her back in the
gutter and then it'll be
her own business again.

-So that'll be
all right, won't it?
-You've no feelin' heart in you.

You don't care for nothing
but yourself.

Here, I've had enough of this.
I'm goin', I am. You ought to be
ashamed of yourself, you ought.

Have some chocolates, Eliza.

How do I know what might be
in 'em? I bet a girl's been
drugged by the likes of you.

Pledge of good faith.

I'll take one half...

and you take the other.

You'll have boxes of them,
barrels of them every day.

You'll live on them, eh?

I wouldn't have et it,
only I'm too ladylike
to take it out of me mouth.

Think of it, Eliza.
Think of chocolates.

And taxis and gold and diamonds!


I don't want no gold
and no diamonds.
I'm a good girl, I am.

I really must interfere.
Mrs. Pearce is quite right.

If this girl's going to
put herself in your hands
for six months for an
experiment in teaching,

she must understand thoroughly
what she's doing.

Hmm. Eliza.

You are to stay here for
the next six months, learning
how to speak beautifully.

Like a lady
in a florist shop.

If you're good and do whatever
you're told, you shall sleep
in a proper bedroom,

have lots to eat,
and money to buy chocolates
and take rides in taxis.

But if you are
naughty and idle,

you shall sleep
in the back kitchen
amongst the black beetles...

and be walloped by Mrs. Pearce
with a broomstick.

At the end of six months,
you shall be taken
to Buckingham Palace...

in a carriage,
beautifully dressed.

If the King finds out
that you are not a lady,

the police will take you to
the Tower of London where
your head will be cut off...

as a warning to other
presumptuous flower girls.

But if you are not found out,
you shall have a present...

of, uh, seven and six to start
life with as a lady in a shop.

If you refuse this offer,

you will be the most
ungrateful, wicked girl...

and the angels
will weep for you.

- Now are you satisfied,
- I don't understand what in the
world you're talking about.

-Well, could I put it more
plainly or fairly, Mrs. Pearce?
-Come with me, Eliza.

That's right, Mrs. Pearce.
Bundle her off to the bathroom.

You're a great bully, you are!
I won't stay here
if I don't like it.
I won't let nobody wallop me!

- Don't answer back, girl.
- If I'd known what I was
letting myself in for,
I wouldn't have come here.

I've always been a good girl,
I have, and I won't be put upon!

In six months-- in three
if she has a good ear
and a quick tongue--

I'll take her anywhere and
I'll pass her off as anything.

I'll make a queen
of that barbarous wretch.

I've never had a bath
in me life, not what
you'd call a proper one.

You know, you can't be
a nice girl inside
if you're dirty outside.

I'll have to put you in here.
This will be your bedroom.

Oh, I couldn't sleep here,
missus. It's too good
for the likes of me.

Oh, I-I should be afraid
to touch anything.

I ain't a duchess yet,
you know.

Oh, what's this?
Is this where you wash clothes?

This is where
we wash ourselves, Eliza,
and where I'm going to wash you.

You expect me to get into that
and wet meself all over? Not me.

I shall catch me death.

Come along now.

Come along.
Take your clothes off.

Come on, girl.
Do as you're told.
Take your clothes off.

- Here, come on, help me
take these--
- Ohh!

- No, I won't!
- Come out of there.
- I won't! Why?

No! I won't!

- Here, take your hands off me!
- Don't!

- Here!
- No, here! No!
- Hold her!

- No!
- Stop it, Eliza!
- I won't! Let go!
- Keep still!

I've got her now!
That's right!

No! No!

- I'm a good girl, I am!
- Well, they won't like
the smell of you
if you won't have a bath.

It ain't right!
It ain't decent!

- Get your hands off me!
- Come here!

I'm a good girl, I am!

- Take your hands off me! Here!
- Eliza, it won't hurt a bit!
Now keep still!

Stop it!
Oh, it won't hurt you!

Higgins, forgive the bluntness,
but if I'm to be in this
business, I shall feel
responsible for the girl.

I hope it's clearly understood
that no advantage is to be taken
of her position.

What, that thing?
Sacred, I assure you.

Come now, Higgins.
You know what I mean.
This is no trifling matter.

Are you a man of good character
where women are concerned?

Have you ever met
a man of good character
where women are concerned?

Yes, very frequently.

Well, I haven't.
I find the moment that a woman
makes friends with me,

she becomes jealous, exacting,
suspicious and a damn nuisance.

And I find the moment that
I make friends with a woman,
I become selfish and tyrannical.

So here I am,
a confirmed old bachelor
and likely to remain so.

Well, after all, Pickering,

I'm an ordinary man
who desires nothing more

Than just an ordinary chance
to live exactly as he likes

And do precisely
what he wants

An average man am I
of no eccentric whim

Who likes to live his life
free of strife

Doing whatever he thinks
is best for him

Well, just an, an ordinary man

But let a woman in your life

And your serenity is through

She'll redecorate your home
from the cellar to the dome

Then go on to the enthralling
fun of overhauling you

Let a woman in your life

And you're up against a wall

Make a plan and you will find
she has something else in mind

And so rather than do either
you do something else
that neither likes at all

You want to talk
of Keats or Milton

She only wants to talk
of love

You go to see a play or ballet

And spend it
searching for her glove

Let a woman in your life

And you invite eternal strife

Let them buy
their wedding bands

For those anxious
little hands

I'd be equally as willing
for a dentist to be drilling

Than to ever let
a woman in my life

I'm a very gentle man

Even tempered and good-natured
whom you never hear complain

Who has the milk
of human kindness
by the quart in every vein

A patient man am I
down to my fingertips

The sort who never could
ever would

Let an insulting remark
escape his lips

A very gentle man

But let a woman in your life

And patience hasn't got
a chance

She will beg you for advice
Your reply will be concise

And she'll listen very nicely
then go out and do precisely
what she wants

You are a man
of grace and polish

Who never spoke above a hush

Now all at once
you're using language

That would make a sailor blush

Let a woman in your life

And you're plunging in a knife

Let the others of my sex

Tie the knot
around their necks

I prefer a new edition
of the Spanish Inquisition

Than to ever let a woman
in my life

I'm a quiet-living man

Who prefers
to spend the evenings
in the silence of his room

Who likes
an atmosphere as restful
as an undiscovered tomb

A pensive man am I
of philosophic joys

Who likes to meditate

Free from humanity's
mad, inhuman noise

A quiet-living man

But let a woman
in your life

And your sabbatical
is through

In a line that never ends
come an army of her friends

Come to jabber and to chatter
and to tell her what the matter
is with you

She'll have a booming
boisterous family

Who will descend on you
en masse

She'll have a large
Wagnerian mother

With a voice
that shatters glass

Let a woman in your life

Let a woman in your life

I shall never let

A woman in my life

Get out of here!
You, you get out too!
Come on, Doolittle.

And remember, drinks are
to be paid for or not drunk.

Thanks for your hospitality,
George. Send the bill to
Buckingham Palace. Come on.

Well, Alfie,
there's nothing else to do.
I guess it's back to work.

What? Don't you dare mention
that word in my presence again.

Look at all these poor blighters
down here.

I used to do that sort of thing
once, just for exercise.

It's not worth it.
Takes up your whole day.

Ah, don't worry, boys.
We'll get out of this somehow.

- How do you think you're going
to do that, Alfie?
- How? Same as always.

Faith, hope
and a little bit of luck.

The Lord above gave man
an arm of iron

So he could do his job
and never shirk

The Lord above gave man
an arm of iron, but

With a little bit of luck
With a little bit of luck

Someone else will do
the blinkin' work

With a little bit
With a little bit

With a little bit of luck
you'll never work

The Lord above made liquor
for temptation

To see if man
could turn away from sin

The Lord above made liquor
for temptation, but

With a little bit of luck
With a little bit of luck

When temptation comes
you'll give right in

With a little bit
With a little bit

With a little bit of luck
you'll give right in

Oh, you can walk
the straight and narrow

But with a little bit of luck
you'll run amuck

The gentle sex was made
for man to marry

To share his nest
and see his food is cooked

The gentle sex was made
for man to marry, but

With a little bit of luck
With a little bit of luck

You can have it all
and not get hooked

With a little bit
With a little bit

With a little bit of luck
you won't get hooked

With a little bit
With a little bit

With a little bit
of bloomin' luck

They're always
throwing goodness at you

But with a little bit of luck
a man can duck

The Lord above made man
to help his neighbor

No matter where
on land or sea or foam

The Lord above made man
to help his neighbor, but

With a little bit of luck
With a little bit of luck

When he comes around
you won't be home

With a little bit
With a little bit

With a little bit of luck
you won't be home

With a little bit
With a little bit

With a little bit
of bloomin' luck

- Hey, Alfie, you make
a good suffragette.
- Oh, leave the girls alone!

He'll never get married again!

-Get out. Get out of here.
-Why, there's the lucky man now.

The honorable
Alfie Doolittle.

- What are you doing
in Eliza's house?
- Her former residence.

You can buy your own drinks now,
Alfie Doolittle. Fallen into
a tub of butter, you have.

- What are you talking about?
- Your daughter, Eliza.

- Oh, you're a lucky man,
Alfie Doolittle.
- Well, what about Eliza?

Oh! He don't know. Her own
father and he don't know.

Moved in with a swell,
Eliza has.

Left here in a taxi all
by herself, smart as paint, and
ain't been home for three days!

- Go on.
- Then this morning I gets
a message from her.

She wants her things
sent over...

to 27-A Wimpole Street,

care of Professor Higgins.

- And what things does she want?
- What?

Her birdcage
and her Chinese fan.

But, she says, never mind...

about sending any clothes.

I knew she had a career
in front of her.

Eddie boy,
we're in for a boozer.

The sun is shining
on Alfred P. Doolittle.

A man was made to help
support his children

Which is the right
and proper thing to do

A man was made to help
support his children, but

With a little bit of luck
With a little bit of luck

They'll go out
and start supporting you

With a little bit
With a little bit

With a little bit of luck
they'll work for you

With a little bit
With a little bit

With a little bit
of bloomin' luck

Oh, it's a crime for man
to go philanderin'

And fill his wife's poor heart
with grief and doubt

Oh, it's a crime for man
to go philanderin', but

With a little bit of luck
With a little bit of luck

You can see the bloodhound
don't find out

With a little bit
With a little bit

With a little bit of luck
she won't find out

- Charlie, over here!
- With a little bit
With a little bit

With a little bit
of bloomin' luck

With a little bit
of bloomin' luck

- The mail, sir.
- Uh, pay the bills and say no
to the invitations.

You simply cannot go on
working the girl this way,

making her say her alphabet
over and over, from sunup
to sundown, even during meals.

You'll exhaust yourself.
When will it stop?

When she does it
properly, of course.
Is that all, Mrs. Pearce?

There's another letter from
that American millionaire,
Ezra D. Wallingford.

- He still wants you to lecture
for his Moral Reform League.
- Yes, well, throw it away.

Oh, it's the third letter
he's written you, sir.
You should at least answer it.

Oh, all right. Leave it
on the desk, Mrs. Pearce.
I'll try and get to it.

If you please, sir,
there's a dustman downstairs,

Alfred P. Doolittle,
who wants to see you.

- He says you have
his daughter here.
- Phew! I say!

- Well, send the blackguard up.
- He may not be a blackguard,

Oh, nonsense. Of course
he's a blackguard, Pickering.

Whether he is or not,
I'm afraid we'll have
some trouble with him.

No, I think not.
Any trouble to be had, he'll
have it with me, not I with him.

Doolittle, sir.

- Professor Higgins.
- Here!

Where? Oh, good morning,

I come about a very serious
matter, governor.

Brought up in Hounslow.

Mother Welsh, I should think.
What is it you want, Doolittle?

I want my daughter,
that's what I want. See?

Well, of course you do.
You're her father, aren't you?

I'm glad to see you have
a spark of family feeling left.

- She's in there.
Just take her away at once.
- What?

Take her away!
You think I'm going to keep
your daughter for you?

Ah, now, is this reasonable,

Is it "fairity" to take
advantage of a man like that?

The girl belongs to me.
You got her. Where do I come in?

How dare you come here
and attempt to blackmail me.

You sent her here on purpose.

Oh, now, don't take a man up
like that, governor.

Well, the police should take you
up. This is a plant, a plot
to extort money by threats.

I shall telephone the police.

Have I asked you
for a brass farthing?

I leave it
to this gentleman here.
Have I said a word about money?

What else did you come for?

Well, what would a bloke
come for?

Be human, governor.

Alfred, you sent her here
on purpose.

- So help me, governor,
I never did.
- Then how did you know
she was here?

I'll tell you, governor, if you
only let me get a word in.

I'm willing to tell you.
I'm wanting to tell you.

I'm waiting to tell you.

You know, Pickering,
this chap's got a certain
natural gift of rhetoric.

Observe the rhythm of his
native woodnotes wild.

"I'm willing to tell you.
I'm wanting to tell you.
I'm waiting to tell you."

That's the Welsh strain in him.
How did you know Eliza was here
if you didn't send her?

Well, she sent back
for her luggage,
and I got to hear about it.

She said she didn't want
no clothes. What was I to think
from that, governor?

I ask you, as a parent,
what was I to think?

So you came here to rescue her
from worse than death, eh?

- Just so, governor.
That's right.
- Yes.

Mrs. Pearce! Uh, Mrs. Pearce.

Eliza's father has come
to take her away.
Give her to him, will you?

Now wait a minute, governor,
wait a minute.

You and me is men of the world,
ain't we?

Oh, men of the world,
are we?

- Yes, well, you'd
better go, Mrs. Pearce.
- I think so indeed, sir.

Here, governor, I've, uh, I've
took a sort of a fancy to you.

And, uh,

if you want the girl,
well, I ain't so set on
havin' her back home again.

But what I might be open to
is, uh, an arrangement.

All I ask is my rights
as a father.

You're the last man alive
to expect me to let her go
for nothing.

I can see you're, you're one
of the straight sort, governor.

So, uh, what's a five-pound
note to you...

and what's Eliza to me?

I think you ought
to know, Doolittle,
that Mr. Higgins' intentions
are entirely honorable.

Well, of course they are,
governor. If I thought
they wasn't, I'd ask 50.

You mean to say you'd sell
your daughter for 50 pounds?

Have you no morals, man?

No. No, can't afford
them, governor.

Neither could you if you
was as poor as me. Not that
I mean any harm, mind you.

But if Eliza is gonna have a bit
out of this, why not me too, eh?

Why not? Well, look, uh--

Look at it my way. What am I?
I ask you, what am I?

I'm one of the undeserving poor,
that's what I am. Now think
what that means to a man.

It means he's up against
middle-class morality
for all of time.

If there's anything going
and I puts in for a bit of it,
it's always the same story.

You're undeserving,
so you can't have it.

But my needs is as great
as the most deserving widows
that ever got money...

out of six different charities
in one week for the death
of the same husband.

I don't need less than
a deserving man; I need more.

I don't eat
less hearty than he does,
and I drink, oh, a lot more.

I'm playing straight with you.
I ain't pretending
to be deserving.

No, I'm undeserving, and I mean
to go on being undeserving.

I like it and that's the truth.

But will you take advantage
of a man's nature...

to do him out of the price
of his own daughter what he's
brought up, fed and clothed...

by the sweat of his brow...

'til she's growed
big enough to be interesting
to you two gentlemen?

Well, is five pounds
unreasonable, I put it to you?

And I'll leave it to you.

You know, Pickering,
if we took this man in hand
for three months,

he could choose between
a seat in the cabinet
and a popular pulpit in Wales.

- We'd better give him a fiver.
- He'll make bad use of it,
I'm afraid.

Ah, not me, governor.
So help me, I won't.

Just one good spree for
meself and the missus,

giving pleasure to ourselves
and employment to others.

And satisfaction to you to know
it ain't been throwed away.
You couldn't spend it better.

Oh, this is irresistible.
Let's give him ten.

No. The missus wouldn't have the
heart to spend ten, governor.
Ten pounds is a lot of money.

Makes a man feel prudent-like,
and then good-bye to happiness.

No, you just give me what I ask,
governor. Not a penny less,
not a penny more.

I rather draw the line
at encouraging this sort
of immorality, Doolittle.

Why don't you marry that
missus of yours, eh? After all,
marriage isn't so frightening.

- You married Eliza's mother.
- Who told you that, governor?

Well, nobody told me.
I concluded, naturally.

If we listen to this man for
another minute, we shall have
no convictions left.

- Five pounds, I think you said.
- Thank you, governor.

- Thank you.
- Are you sure
you won't have ten?

- No. No, perhaps another time.
- I won't, I won't, I won't!

I beg your pardon, miss.

- I won't say those ruddy
vowels one more time.
- Blimey, it's Eliza.

Well, I never thought she'd
clean up so good-looking.

She does me credit,
don't she, governor?

Here, what you doin' here?

Now, now, now, you hold your
tongue and don't you give these
gentlemen none of your lip.

If you have any trouble
with her, governor, give her
a few licks of the strap.

That's the way
to improve her mind.

Well, good morning, gentlemen.
Cheerio, Eliza.

There's a man for you.
A philosophical genius
of the first water.

Mrs. Pearce, write to
Mr. Ezra Wallingford...

and say that if he wants
a lecturer, to get in touch
with Mr. Alfred P. Doolittle,

- a common dustman, but
one of the most original
moralists in England.
- Yes, sir.

Here, what
did he come for?

- Say your vowels.
- I know me vowels.
I knew them before I come.

- Well, if you know them,
say them
- A, E, I, O, U.

Wrong! A, E, I, O, U.

That's what I said.
A, E, I, O, U.

That's what I've
been saying for three days,
and I won't say them no more!

I know it's difficult,
Miss Doolittle,
but try to understand.

It's no use explaining,
Pickering. As a military man,
you ought to know that.

Drilling is what she needs.
Now you leave her alone
or she'll be turning to you
for sympathy.

Very well, if you insist.
But have a little patience
with her, Higgins.

Of course.

- Now, say "A"!
- You ain't got no heart,
you ain't!

- "A"!
- "A"!

- "A"!
- "A"!

- "A"!
- "A"!
- Eliza.

I promise you you'll say
your vowels correctly
before this day is out...

or there'll be no lunch,
no dinner...

and no chocolates.

Just you wait, 'Enry 'Iggins
Just you wait

You'll be sorry, but your
tears will be too late

You'll be broke
and I'll have money

Will I help ya
Don't be funny

Just you wait
'Enry 'Iggins

Just you wait

Just you wait, 'Enry 'Iggins
'til you're sick

And you screams to fetch
a doctor double quick

I'll be off a second later
and go straight to the theater

Ha ha ha, 'Enry 'Iggins
Just you wait

Oooh, 'Enry 'Iggins

Just you wait until
we're swimmin' in the sea

Oooh, 'Enry 'Iggins

And you get a cramp
a little ways from me

When ya yell
you're gonna drown

I'll get dressed
and go to town

Ha ha ho, 'Enry 'Iggins

Ho ho ho, 'Enry 'Iggins

Just you wait

One day, I'll be famous

I'll be proper and prim

Go to St. James so often

I will call it St. Jim

One evening
the King will say

Oh, Liza, old thing

I want all of England

Your praises to sing

Next week on
the 20th of May

I proclaim
Liza Doolittle Day

All the people
will celebrate

The glory of you

And whatever
you wish and want

I gladly will do

Thanks a lot, King
says I

In a manner well-bred

But all I want is
'Enry 'Iggins' head

-Says the King with a stroke

Guard, run and bring in
the bloke

Then they'll march you
'Enry 'Iggins, to the wall

-And the King will tell me
-Liza, sound the call

As they raise
their rifles higher

I'll shout
Ready, aim, fire

Ha ha ha, 'Enry 'Iggins

Down you'll go
'Enry 'Iggins

Just you wait





All right, Eliza,
say it again.

"The 'rine' in Spain...

stays mainly
in the 'pline.'"

The rain in Spain
stays mainly in the plain.

- Didn't I "sigh" that?
- No, Eliza, you didn't
"sigh" that.

You didn't even say that.

Every night before you get
into bed where you used
to say your prayers,

I want you to say,
"The rain in Spain stays
mainly in the plain"...

50 times.

You'll get much further
with the Lord if you learn
not to offend His ears.

Now for your "H"s.

Pickering, this is
going to be ghastly.

Control yourself, Higgins.
Give the girl a chance.

Oh, well, I suppose you
can't expect her to get it
right the first time.

Come here, Eliza,
and watch closely.


You see that flame?

Every time you pronounce
the letter "H" correctly,
the flame will waver;

and every time you drop
your "H," the flame
will remain stationary.

That's how you'll know if you've
done it correctly. In time, your
ear will hear the difference.

You'll see it better in the
mirror. Now, listen carefully.

In Hertford, Hereford
and Hampshire...

hardly ever happen.

Now, if you'll
repeat that after me.

In Hertford, Hereford
and Hampshire, hurricanes
hardly ever happen.

In 'Ertford, 'Ereford
'n' 'Ampshire,

'urricanes 'ardly
"hever" 'appen.

Oh, no, no, no!
Have you no ear at all?

- Shall I do it over?
- No, please.

Start from the very beginning.
Just do this. Go:

ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Go on! Go on, go on.

Ha. Ha.

- Ha. Ha.
- Does the same thing hold
true in India, Pickering?

- This peculiar habit of
not only dropping a letter
like the letter "H,"
- Ha. Ha. Ha.

- but using it where
it doesn't belong, like
"hever" instead of "ever."
- Ha. Ha.

-Ha. Ha.
-Why is it Slavs, when they
learn English, have a tendency
to do it with their "G"s?

- They say "ling-er"
instead of "lin-ger."
- Ha. Ha.

- Ha. Ha. Ha.
- Then they turn right around
and say "sin-ger" instead
of "sing-er."

-Ha. Ha. Ha.
-Why is it Slavs have been
using it where it isn't needed,

and in English have to
do it with their "G"?

- The girl, Higgins!
- Go on! Go on, go on, go on.

- Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.
-Poor Professor Higgins

-Poor Professor Higgins
- Ha. Ha.

Night and day
he slaves away

Oh, poor Professor Higgins

All day long

On his feet

Up and down
until he's numb

Doesn't rest

Doesn't eat

Doesn't touch a crumb

Again, Eliza. How kind
of you to let me come.

How kind of you
to let me come.

No. Kind of you.
Kind of you. Kind--

How kind of you
to let me come.

-How kind of you to let me come.
-No, no, no, no.

Kind of you. Kind of you.
It's like "cup of tea."

Kind of you. Cup of tea.
Say, say, "Cup of tea."

- Cuppatea.
- No, no. A cup of tea.

It's awfully good cake,
this. I wonder where
Mrs. Pearce gets it.

-First rate. And those
strawberry tarts are delicious.

Did you try
the "pline" cake?

- Try it again.
- Did you try the--


- Again, Eliza.
- Cuppatea.

Oh, no. Can't you hear
the difference?

Look, put your
tongue forward...

until it squeezes on the top
of your lower teeth,

and then say "cup."

- Cup.
- Then say "of."
- Of.

Then say, "Cup, cup, cup cup,
of, of, of, of."

- Cup, cup, cup, cup,
of, of, of, of.
- Cup, cup, cup, cup,
of, of, of, of.

- Cup, cup, cu--
Of, of, of, of.
- Mm-hmm.

By Jove, Higgins,
that was a glorious tea.

Why don't you finish
that last strawberry tart?
I couldn't eat another thing.

- Oh, I couldn't touch it.
- Shame to waste it.

Oh, it won't be wasted.
I know somebody who is immensely
fond of strawberry tarts.

Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep,
cheep. Cheep, cheep--


Poor Professor Higgins

Poor Professor Higgins

On he plods
against all odds

Oh, poor Professor Higgins

Nine p.m.

Ten p.m.

On through midnight
every night

One a.m.

Two a.m.




six marbles.

Now, I want you to read
this, and I want you to
enunciate every word...

just as if the marbles
were not in your mouth.

"With blackest moss,
the flower pots...

were thickly crusted,
one and all."

Each word,
clear as a bell.

"With bla'est moss,

the flower pots--"

I can't. I can't!

I say, Higgins, are those
pebbles really necessary?

If they were necessary
for Demosthenes,

they are necessary for Eliza
Doolittle. Go on, Eliza.

"With bla'est moss,

"the flower pots...

were thickly crusted
one and--"

I can't understand a word.
Not a word!

"With blackest moss,
the flower pots...

were thickly crusted,
one and all."

Higgins, perhaps that poem's
a little too difficult
for the girl.

Why don't you
try something simpler like
"The Owl and the Pussycat"?

Oh-ho, yes, that's
a charming one!

Well, Pickering, I can't hear
a word the girl is saying!

- What's the matter?
- I swallowed one.

Oh, it doesn't matter.
I got plenty more.
Open your mouth. One, two--

Quit, Professor Higgins

Quit, Professor Higgins

Hear our plea
or payday we will quit

Professor Higgins

"A," not I
"O," not ow

Pounding, pounding

In our brain

"A," not I
"O," not ow

Don't say "rine"
Say "rain"

The rain in Spain...

stays mainly...

in the plain.

I can't!

I'm so tired!
I'm so tired!

For God's sake, Higgins,
it must be 3:00 in the morning.

Do be reasonable.

I am always reasonable.

Eliza, if I can go on with a
blistering headache, you can.

I've got an headache too.

Oh, here.

I know your head aches.
I know you're tired.

I know your nerves are as raw
as meat in a butcher's window.

But think what you're
trying to accomplish.

Just think what
you're dealing with.

The majesty and grandeur
of the English language;

it's the greatest
possession we have.

The noblest thoughts
that ever flowed through
the hearts of men...

are contained
in its extraordinary,

imaginative and musical
mixtures of sounds.

And that's what you've set
yourself out to conquer, Eliza.

And conquer it you will.

Now try it again.

The rain in Spain...

stays mainly...

in the plain.

What was that?

The rain in Spain...

stays mainly...

in the plain.


The rain in Spain

Stays mainly
in the plain

I think she's got it.
I think she's got it.

The rain in Spain
stays mainly in the plain

By George, she's got it!
By George, she's got it!

Now, once again
where does it rain

On the plain
On the plain

And where's
that soggy plain

In Spain
In Spain

The rain in Spain
stays mainly in the plain


The rain in Spain
stays mainly in the plain

In Hertford, Hereford
and Hampshire

Hurricanes hardly happen

How kind of you
to let me come.

Now, once again
where does it rain

On the plain
On the plain

And where's
that blasted plain

In Spain
In Spain

The rain in Spain
stays mainly in the plain

The rain in Spain
stays mainly in the plain

Pickering! Pickering.

Ole. Ole.


Hey, Pickering!

- Ole!
- Ole!
- Ole!

Oh, dear!

We're making fine
progress, Pickering.

I think the time has come
to try her out.

Are you feeling all right,
Mr. Higgins?

- Yes, I'm feeling fine,
Mrs. Pearce. How are you?
- Very well, sir. Thank you.

Oh, good. Let's, let's test her
in public and see how she fares.

Mr. Higgins, I was awakened
by a dreadful pounding. Do you
know what it might have been?

- Pounding? I didn't hear any
pounding? Did you, Pickering?
- No.

No. If this goes on,
Mrs. Pearce, you'd
better see a doctor.

- I know! We'll take
her to the races.
- The races?

- My mother's box at Ascot.
- You'll consult your mother
first, of course?

Oh, yes, of course. Uh--

Eh, no. I think perhaps
we better surprise her.
Now let's go to bed.

First thing in the morning
we'll go out and we'll
buy her a dress.

- Now get on with
your work, Eliza.
- But, Mr. Higgins, it's
early in the morning.

What better time to work
than early in the morning?

- Where does one
buy a lady's gown?
- Whiteley's, of course.

- How do you know that?
- Common knowledge.

Well, let's not buy her
anything too flowery.

I despise those gowns with sort
of weeds here and weeds there.

We ought to buy
something sort of simple
and modest and elegant,

is what's called for,
perhaps with a, with a bow.

Yeah, I think
that's just right.

You've all been working
much too hard. I think the
strain is beginning to show.

Eliza, I don't care what
Mr. Higgins says, you must put
down your books and go to bed.

Bed, bed
I couldn't go to bed

My head's too light
to try to set it down

Sleep, sleep
I couldn't sleep tonight

Not for all the jewels
in the crown

I could have danced
all night

I could have danced
all night

And still have begged

For more

I could have
spread my wings

And done a thousand things

I've never done before

I'll never know

What made it so exciting

Why all at once

My heart took flight

I only know

When he
began to dance with me

I could have danced
danced, danced

All night

-It's after 3:00 now
-Don't you agree now

-She ought to be in bed
-She ought to be in bed

-I could have danced all night
-You're tired out

-You must be dead
-I could have danced all night
-Your face is worn

-Your eyes are red
-And still have begged
-Now say good night, please

-Turn out the light, please
It's really time for you
to be in bed
-For more

-I could have spread my wings
-A good time ago
Do as you're told

-And done a thousand things
-Or Mrs. Pearce is apt to scold

-I've never done before
-You're up too late, Miss
And sure as fate, Miss

You'll catch a cold

I'll never know
what made it

So exciting

Why all at once

My heart took flight

-I only know
-Put down your book

-When he began to dance
-The work can keep

-Now settle down and go to sleep
-With me

I could have danced
danced, danced

All night

I understand, dear

It's all been grand, dear

But now it's time to sleep

I could have danced
all night

I could have danced
all night

And still have begged

For more

I could have
spread my wings

And done a thousand things

I've never done before

I'll never know
what made it

So exciting

Why all at once

My heart took flight

I only know

When he
began to dance with me

I could have danced
danced, danced

All night

Every duke and earl
and peer is here

Everyone who should
be here is here

What a smashing
positively dashing

The Ascot Opening Day

At the gate are
all the horses

Waiting for the cue
to fly away

What a gripping
absolutely ripping

Moment at
The Ascot Opening Day

Pulses rushing

Faces flushing

Heartbeats speed up

I have never been
so keyed up

Any second now
they'll begin to run

Hark, a bell is ringing
They are springing forward

Look, it has begun

What a frenzied moment
that was

Didn't they maintain
an exhausting pace

'Twas a thrilling
absolutely chilling

Running of
The Ascot Opening Race

Uh, Mother.

Henry! What
a disagreeable surprise.

Hello, Mother.
How nice you look.

What are you doing here?
You promised never to come
to Ascot. Go home at once.

- I can't, Mother.
I'm here on business.
- Oh, no, Henry, you must.

Now, I'm quite serious.
You'll offend all my friends.

The moment they meet you,
I never see them again.

- Besides, you aren't
even dressed for Ascot.
- I changed my shirt.

Now listen, Mother, I've got
a job for you, a phonetics job.
I've picked up a girl--

- Henry!
- Oh, no, darling, not a love
affair. She's a flower girl.

I'm taking her to the annual
Embassy Ball, but I want you
to try her out first.

- I beg your pardon?
- Well, you know
the Embassy Ball?

- Of course I know
the ball, but--
- So I invited her to your box
today. Do you understand?

- A common flower girl?
- Oh, she'll be all right.

I've taught her how to speak
properly. She has strict
instructions as to her behavior.

She's to keep to two
subjects: the weather
and everybody's health.

"Fine day" and "How do you do?"
And not just let herself go
on things in general.

-Help her along, darling.
You'll be quite safe.
-Safe? To talk about one's
health in the middle of a race?

Well, she's got to talk
about something.

- Where's the girl now?
- Uh, she's being pinned.

Some of the clothes we
bought her didn't quite fit.

- I told Pickering we should've
taken her with us.
- Oh, goodness!


- Mrs. Eynsford-Hill.
- Good afternoon, Mrs. Higgins.

- You know my son, Henry.
- Oh, how do you do?

- I've seen you
somewhere before.
- I don't know.

Oh, it doesn't matter.
You better sit down.

- Lady Boxington.
- Where the devil can they be?

- Uh, Lord Boxington.
- Ah!

Colonel Pickering, you're
just in time for tea.

Thank you, Mrs. Higgins. May I
introduce Miss Eliza Doolittle?

-My dear Miss Doolittle.
-How kind of you to let me come.

Delighted, my dear.

- Lady Boxington.
- How do you do?

- How do you do?
- Lord Boxington.
- How do you do?

- How do you do?
- Mrs. Eynsford-Hill,
Miss Doolittle.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

And Freddy Eynsford-Hill.

How do you do?

How do you do?

- Miss Doolittle.
- Good afternoon,
Professor Higgins.

The first race was very
exciting, Miss Doolittle.

I'm so sorry
that you missed it.

Will it rain,
do you think?

The rain in Spain stays
mainly in the plain.

But in Hertford,
Hereford and Hampshire...

hurricanes hardly
ever happen.

- How awfully funny.
- What is wrong with
that, young man?

- I bet I got it right.
- Smashing.

Hasn't it suddenly
turned chilly?

I do hope we won't have
any unseasonable cold spells.

They bring on
so much influenza,

and the whole of our family
is susceptible to it.

My aunt died of influenza,

so they said,

but it's my belief
they done the old woman in.

- Done her in?
- Yes, Lord love you.

Why should she die
of influenza...

when she'd come through
diphtheria right enough
the year before?

Fairly blue with it
she was.

They all thought
she was dead,

but my father, he kept
ladling gin down her throat.


Then she come to so sudden,
she bit the bowl off the spoon.

Dear me!

Now what call would a woman with
that strength in her have...

to die of influenza?

And what become of her new straw
hat that should have come to me?

Somebody pinched it.

And what I say is,

them as pinched it
done her in.

Done her in?
Done her in, did you say?

Whatever does it mean?

Oh, that's the new small talk.
Uh, to "do somebody in"
means to kill them.

But you surely don't believe
your aunt was killed.

Do I not!
Them she lived with...

would have killed her for
a hat pin, let alone a hat.

But it can't have been right
for your father to pour spirits
down her throat like that.

- It might have killed her.
- Not her.

Gin was mother's milk
to her.

Besides, he poured so much
down his own throat,

he knew the good of it.

- Do you mean that he drank?
- Drank? My word,
something chronic.

Dear, what are you
sniggering at?

It's the new small talk.
You do it so awfully well.

Well, if I was doing it proper,
what was you sniggering at?

Have I said
anything I oughtn't?

Oh, Lord!

- Uh, not at all, my dear.
- Well, that's a mercy, anyhow.

- Uh!
- What? Yeah. Oh, yes.
- But I always say--

I don't know whether
there's enough time
before the next race...

to place a bet,
but come, my dear.

- I don't suppose so.
- I have a bet on number seven.

I shall be so happy if you
would take it. You'll enjoy
the race ever so much more.

- That's very kind of you.
- His name is Dover.

Come along, my dear.
Come along.

There they are again
lining up to run

Now they're holding steady
They are ready for it

Look, it has begun

Come on.
Come on, Dover!

Come on. Come on,
Dover! Come on!

Come on, Dover!

Move your bloomin' arse!

Don't upset yourself.

Oh, my dear.

You're not serious, Henry.
You don't expect to take her
to the Embassy Ball.

- Don't you think
she's ready for it?
- Dear Henry!

- She's ready for a canal barge.
- Well, her language may need
a little refining, but, uh--

Oh, really, Henry! If you
cannot see how impossible...

this whole project is,
then you must be
absolutely potty about her.

I advise you to give it up now
and not put yourself and this
poor girl through any more.

Give it up? Why, it's the
most fascinating venture
I've ever undertaken.

Pickering and I are at it
from morning 'til night.
It fills our whole lives.

Teaching Eliza,
talking to Eliza, listening
to Eliza, dressing Eliza.

What? You're a pretty
pair of babies...

playing with
your live doll.

- Ah, here's the car.
- Ah.

I say, sir, uh--

- Good evening, sir.
- Ah! Uh, dinner ready?
I'm famished.

- Immediately, sir.
- Good evening,
Professor Higgins.

When she mentioned
how her aunt

Bit off the spoon

She completely done me in

And my heart went
on a journey to the moon

When she told
about her father

And the gin

And I never saw
a more enchanting farce

Than the moment
when she shouted

Move your bloomin'--

- Yes, sir?
- Uh, i-is Miss Doolittle in?

- Whom shall I say is calling?
- Freddy Eynsford-Hill.

Oh, if she, if she doesn't
remember who I am,

tell her I'm the chap
who was sniggering at her.

- Yes, sir.
- And will you give her these?

Yes, sir. Wouldn't you
like to come in, sir?

- They're having dinner,
but you may wait in the hall.
- No. No, thank you.

- I want to drink in
the street where she lives.
- Yes, sir.

I have often walked

Down this street before

But the pavement
always stayed

Beneath my feet before

All at once am I

Several stories high

Knowing I'm on the street

Where you live

Are there lilac trees

In the heart of town

Can you hear a lark
in any other part of town

Does enchantment pour

Out of every door

No, it's just
on the street

Where you live

And, oh

The towering feeling

Just to know

Somehow you are near

The overpowering feeling

That any second
you may suddenly appear

People stop and stare

They don't bother me

For there's
nowhere else on earth

That I would rather be

Let the time go by

I won't care if I

Can be here
on the street

Where you live

Oh, sir!

I'm terribly sorry, sir.

Miss Doolittle says she doesn't
want to see anyone ever again.

- But why?
She was unbelievable.
- So I've been told, sir.

- Is there any further message?
- Yes. Tell her that I'll wait.

Oh, but it might be
days, sir. Even weeks.

But don't you see?
I'll be happier here.

People stop and stare

They don't bother me

For there's
nowhere else on earth

That I would rather be

Let the time go by

I won't care if I

Can be here
on the street

Where you live

It really is, Higgins.
It's inhuman to continue.

Do you realize what you've
got to try and teach this
poor girl within six weeks?

You've got to teach her to walk,
talk, address a duke, a lord,
a bishop, an ambassador.

It's absolutely impo--

Higgins, I'm trying to tell you
that I want to call off the bet.

I know you're a stubborn man,
but so am I.

This experiment is over,

and nothing, short of
an order from the King,
could force me to recant.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

You understand, Higgins?
It's over!

Higgins. Higgins!

If there's any mishap
at the Embassy tonight,

if Miss Doolittle suffers
any embarrassment whatever,
it'll be on your head alone.

- Oh, Eliza can do anything.
- Suppose she's discovered?
Remember Ascot.

Suppose she makes
another ghastly mistake?

There'll be no horses
at the ball, Pickering.

Think how agonizing
it would be.

Oh, if anything
happened tonight,
I don't know what I'd do.

- Well, you could always
rejoin your regiment.
- This is no time
for flippancy, Higgins.

The way you've driven the girl
the last six weeks has exceeded
all bounds of common decency.

For God's sake, Higgins,
stop pacing up and down.
Can't you settle somewhere?

- Have some port.
It'll quieten your nerves.
- I'm not nervous.

- Where is it?
- On the piano.

- The car is here, sir.
- Oh, good. Tell Miss
Doolittle, will you?
- Yes, sir.

Tell Miss Doolittle, indeed.
I bet you that damn gown
Last Update:May, 16th 2016

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