Chitty Chitty Bang Bang script

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Script - Broadway musical

ACT ONE

#1- Ouerture

Overture concludes... applause... In the darkness we hear, in "Theatre surround sound," tum-of-the-century racing cars through the house...
SFX: roaring engines, screeching tires, grinding gears, cheering crowds...
We bleed through show-scrim to JEREMY and JEMIMA pretending to race old/rundown Chitty centre stage in the yard in front of Coggins' Garage. An ENGUSH CROWD is first seen with 2 groups in silhouette against backdrop HOLDING 2 BANNERS which read 1910 BRITISH GRAND PRIX, cheering, and waving handkerchiefs and flags, in aheightened reality as if in the Children's iniagination.


SCENE ONE - Coggins Garage

#2- Opening

JEREMY & JEMIMA
(With "bigger than life" Sound Effects)
Brmm, Brmm, Brmm...

ENGLISH CROWD
WOW!!!
OH, THERE NEVER, NEVER EVER WAS A CAR

JEREMY
The Vulgarians are gaining on us.

ENGLISH CROWD
THERE NEVER EVER WAS...

JEMIMA
Faster, Jeremy... faster!

ENGLISH CROWD
...NEVER WAS A CAR


JEREMY
Hold on, Jemima!

JEMIMA
(Being thrown to one side... )
Watch the turrrrrrrrrn...!
Lights snap up onto 2 ensemble groups.
SFX: screech as diildren pretend to turn car.
ENGLISH CROWD
OH, THERE NEVER WAS A CAR
THERE NEVER WAS A CAR LIKE THIS GREAT CAR
NO, THERE NEVER WAS A CAR
THAT EVER WAS A STAR LIKE THIS GREAT CAR

JEMIMA
The Vulgarians ... they're passing us.

JEREMY
We can't let them win.

ENGLISH CROWD
NO CAR EVER WENT SO FAR
IN WINNING EVERY GREAT GRAND PRIX
THAT GREAT EIGHT LITRE MOTOR RACE CAR
IS MAKING HISTORY

JEREMY
Jemima, hold the throttle open while I shift the gears ... together we Can do it!

JEMIMA
Together we can do anything.

JEREMY
Like father says ...

JEREMY & JEMIMA
Teamwork!

ENGLISH CROWD
THAT GREAT EIGHT LITRE MOTOR RACE CAR
IS MAKING HISTORY
Bridge music instrumental underscoring.

JEREMY
It's working.

JEMIMA
We're gaining on them!
... UNBELIEVABLE
JEREMY
(To Chitty")
Faster old girl.

JEMIMA
Faster!

ENGLISH CROWD
(Watching "the race”)
... INCONCEIVABLE!
THIS CAR IS THE GREATEST EVER SEEN

JEREMY
You can do it!
... MIRACUWUS!

JEMIMA
Go!
... SPECfACULOUS!

ENGLISH CROWD
A BRILLIANT
AMAZING
MACHINE!

JEREMY & JEMIMA
Pleeeese!

JEMIMA
We've past them.

JEREMY
Just hold On.

JEMIMA
Okay, okay, okay ...

ENGLISH CROWD
(Crowd move DS)
OH, THERE NEVER WAS A CAR
THERE NEVER WAS A CAR LIKE THIS GREAT CAR

JEMIMA
Look out!

ENGLISH CROWD
NO, THERE NEVER WAS A CAR
THAT EVER WAS A STAR UKE1HISGREAT CAR

JEREMY
The Final Straight.

ENGLISH CROWD
NO CAR EVER WENT SO FAR
IN WINNING EVERY GREAT GRAND PRIX

JEMIMA
The checkered flag!
THAT GREAT EIGHT UTRE MOTOR RACE CAR
IS MAKING HISTORY

JEREMY
We did it!

JEMIMA
Yes!

ENGLISH CROWD
THAT GREAT EIGHT UTRE MOTOR RACE CAR
IS MAKING HISTORY
SFX: cheering crowd, engines decelerating ...
(Crowd exit up and OFF stage)
Yes ... We've won. We've won!
"Lights up" shatters their "reality" as their father enters USL at the same time as MR. COGGINS, the garage owner MSR. Potts is carrying an odd looking mechanical part for a wild and wonderful contraption.
Sweet musical underscoring continues.

JEREMY & JEMIMA
Father, we won! We won the race!

POTTS
Did you now?

JEMIMA
We beat those nasty Vulgarians ...

POTTS
That's wonderful. Mr. Coggins, do you have a bushing that will fit this end ... needs to be brass.

JEREMY
We have the fastest car in the world! Don't we, Mr. Coggins?

COGGINS
That you do. She wOn the 1910 Grand Prix ... and a whole lot mO",. Quite the car in her day.
POTTS
I hope you asked Mr. Coggins if you could play in his Car.
COGGINS
It's alright. Have fun.. kids.
(Kids climb back into old Chitty)
['11 be right back with your bushing, Mr. Potts. Oh, and I think the pit crew's got her lady for another race.
Underscoring in ... tremolo.

JEREMY
Start the engine.

JEMIMA
Turn the crank, farther.
POTTS runs to the front of the air.

JEMIMA
Open the throttle.

JEREMY
She's wide open.
POTTS pretends to turn the crank.

POTTS
I'm turning. Is she starting?

JEMIMA
You've got to say please!

POTTS
Of course, where are my manners?.. Please!

JEREMY & JEMIMA
Brmm, Brmrn, Brmm ...
Lights change as KIDS pretend to race ... musical build.
SFX: Engine Starting, racing air sounds.

POTTS
It worked!

JEMIMA
Hurry up. Get in.
POTTS jumps into the car.

JEREMY
With all three of us driving ...
JEMIMA
... we'll go even faster!

JEREMY
And the Vulgarians will never catch us now!

POTTS
(Playfully melodramatic and a bit silly)
Yes, because we're the Potts family, right?
Music. ,. accent chords.

JEREMY & JEMIMA
Right!

POTTS
And the Potts' family sticks together. Right?

JEREMY & JEMIMA
Right!

POTTS
And all pitch in ... right?

JEREMY & JEMIMA
Right!

POTTS
Because the Potts' family knows that ...
Lighting change as the family pretends to race "Chitty".
SFX: Racing sounds.
TEAMWORK CAN MAKE A DREAM WORK

JEREMY & JEMIMA
IF WE ALL PITCH IN AND TRY

ENGLISH CROWD
OH THERE NEVER WAS A CAR.

JEREMY & JEMIMA
TEAMWORK CAN MAKE A DREAM
WORK

POTTS
AND NO MOUNTAIN IS TOO HIGH

JEMIMA
Take the inside!

ENGLISH CROWD
NO CAR EVER WENT SO FAR

POTTS
IF THE SAME GREAT DREAM IS
BEATING IN EACH HEART

ENGLISH CROWD
WOW!

POTTS
THERI'S NO STOPPING WHAT A
FIGHTING TEAM CAN START!
FOR ALL TOCFIHER

ENGLISH CROWD
GO!

POTTS
A TEAM CAN WEATHER

ENGLISH CROWD
WHOA!

POTTS
EVERY STORM THEY MAY GO THROUGH

ENGLISH CROWD
YES!

ALL THREE
YI'S TEAMWORK CAN MAKE A DREAM WORK
CAN MAKE THE GREATEST DREAM COME TRUE

ENGLISH CROWD
NO, THERE NEVER WAS A CAR
THAT EVER WAS A STAR U KETHISGREAT CAR
(Chitty Theme) Musical underscoring continues...

JEREMY & JEMIMA
Faster, faster… We'll" , ... we win again ... yes.

POTTS
Because we have the fastest ...

JEREMY
The greatest...

JEMIMA
The most fantastic?

POTTS
The most phantasmagorical racing machine in all the world!

JEREMY
And that's why everyone wants our Car.
Lights bump up on Baron and Baroness in their quarters DSL as music is abruptly out. Spies also come on DSR and hide in black out.

BARON
I want it, Iwant it, I want it!
Musical underscoring in . . style change "Chu Chi Face Intro".

BARONESS
Then you must have it my little teddy bear. Nothing is too good for the Baron of my dreams.

BARON
Nothing?.. But can't I have something?

BARONESS
I will get you your car. Call the spies.

BARON
The spies!
The BARON picks up the royal telephone and begins to make phone call
Lights bump up on BORIS and GORAN DSR fumbling to find the ringing phone

BORIS
Hello .. ???

GORAN
Hello ...

BORIS
It's the phone...

BORIS & GO RAN
(Excited)
The spy phone!

BORIS
(Answering phone)
Hello.

BARON
Hello ... is this you?

BORIS
This is us ... is this you?
BARON
Of Course it's me ... who else would it be?
GORAN
Who is it?

BORIS
(To GORAN)
It's "you know who".
BARON
Me?

GORAN
If I knew ... I wouldn't be asking you.

BORIS
(To GORAN)
Shuddup.
BARON
What?
BORIS
Not you.

BARON
Who?

BARONESS
(Grabbing the phone)
Gimmc ...
(To BORIS on phone)
Is this Boris the spy?

BORIS
Yes, this is Boris the spy ... I mean, what's the password?

BARONESS
The password is I will have you hung upside-down by your pinkie toes unless you speak to me now.

BORIS
That works ... how can I help you?

BARONESS
Boris darling, we want the car...

BARON
(Into phone)
...the car that always wins the Grand Prix! I'm tired of losing!

BORIS
But it crashed and burned. We don't know where it went.

BARONESS
It's in England, you idiot!

BORIS
England... Goran, the Car is in England.
Ohhh ... England.
(Into phone)
Where's England?
You’re, in England now.
Someone has birthday coming up...

BARON
That's me .. !!

BARONESS
Yes, my little poopy pants.

BORIS & GORAN
(To each other)
Poopy pants?

BARONESS
You will have a happy birthday, my little wiener schnitzel with strudel on top.
(Into Phone)
And spies...

BORIS & GO RAN
Ya!

BARONESS
I want that car brought to Vulgaria in time for the birthday celeebration! Find it or else!
She hangs up phone. BARON and BARONESS kiss politely. Lights down ON
Baron, Baroness and Spies. Lights up center stage on family in old Chitty.

POTTS, JEREMY & JEMIMA
THOUGH IT SEEMS A DREAM'S IMPOSSIBLE TO DO
GREAT TEAMS MAKE IMPOSSIBILITIES COME TRUE
SO, WHEN YOU START OUT

ENGLISH CROWD
OH THERE NEVER WAS A CAR

POTTS, JEREMY & JEMIMA
PUT ALL YOUR HEART OUT

ENGLISH CROWD
THERE NEVER WAS A STAR

POTTS, JEREMY & JEMIMA
AND NEVER STOP ONCE YOU BEG!N

ENGLISH CROWD
LIKE THIS GREAT CAR

POTTS, JEREMY & JEMIMA
CAUSE TEAMWORK CAN MAKE A DREAM WORK

ENGLISH CROWD
MAKE A DREAM WORK

POTTS, JEREMY & JEMIMA
IF YOU HAVE GOT THE WILL TO WIN

ENGLISH CROWD
YOU HAVE GOT THE WILL TO WIN!

JEREMY & JEMIMA
We win! We win..!!

POTTS
Watch out for the motorcycle.

JEREMY & JEMIMA
Yes!
TEAMWORK CAN MAKE A
ENGLISH CROWD
DREAMWORK

JEREMY & JEMIMA
What motorcycle?
TRULY enters on motorcycle with sidecar from MSR, almost crashing into old "chitty" , She circles counterclockwise around Old Chitty.

POTTS
That motorcycle!

JEREMY & JEMIMA
IF YOU HAVE GOT THE WILL TO WIN_!

ENGLISH CROWD
GOT THE WILL TO WIN- !
POTTS jumps out of old "chitty" just in time to stap her DR. Motorcycle backfires then stops. Petrol pumps are pushed on USL. Applause ...

JEREMY & JEMIMA
Wow!.. A real motorcycle.

TRULY
Look what you've done to my motorbike. I may never get it started now.

POTTS
If it weren't for me, madam, you might have gone head first over the handlebars.

TRULY
Well, excu5C me, but I happen to have a sticky carburetor and I'm simply here for a part.

POTTS
By the sound of it ... you're in the need of an adjustment to your butterfly valve.

TRULY
I'm fairly certain that I need a new choke pull spring.

COGGINS
(Entering)
Here's your bushing. Mr. Potts. Oh, and he's right. By the sound of it, you need your butterfly adjusted.

JEREMY
Don’t worry, our Daddy will fix it.

JEMIMA
He's an inventor!

POTTS
Allow me ... uh, madam.

TRULY
Uh ... Truly.
POTTS
Absolutely

TRULY
No, Truly ... that's my name.

JEMIMA
Truly ... what a pretty mime.

TRULY
Thank you.

POTTS
(Introducing himself)
Caractacus Potts.
JUNKMAN (same actor who plays CHILDCATHER) enters. POTTS continues, tinkers with motorcycle.

JUNKMAN
Any scrap today, Mr. Coggins?

COGGINS
Out back. Not much today, I'm afraid.

JUNKMAN
Well, I'll load it and weigh it and let you know how much.
Women ... machines.

TRULY
Well, I never ...

POTTS
(To Truly)
Okay ... pull out the choke.

TRULY
(To Children)
Excuse me, but shouldn't you be in school?

POTTS
No. Pull out the choke, please.

JEREMY
(pointing)
It's right there.

TRULY
Oh, yes ... I mean ...
(To Children)
You're not sick are you?

JEMIMA
Oh no.

JEREMY
We are fine.

TRULY
Good. Where's your mother?

JEMIMA
Mummy's over in the churchyard.

TRULY
Well, shc ought to be looking after you. Oh. I'm terribly sorry.

POTTS
Give her a little throttle.

JEREMY
(pointing)
The throttle.

TRULY
Oh, yes ...

POTTS
Hcre we go.
Truly tries starting the engine ... it doesn't start.

TRULY
You See I was right. It needs a new choke pull.

POTTS
Try switching it on.

TRULY
Oh, yes, sorry ...
(TRULY kick starts motorbike. SFX: engine running)

(TRULY)
But just why aren't you children in school?

JEMIMA
It's a holiday

TRULY
And what holiday would that be?

JEREMY
Eastmas!

TRULY
Eastmas?

JEMIMA
Halfway between Easter and Cristmas. A very special day when uh, when ...

JEREMY
When school is closed.

JEMIMA
Exactly.

POTTS
Besides, you wouldn't want them to go to school without eating their breakfast would you?

TRULY
Well, certainly not.

POTTS
So that's why we're here ... for a part to repair my breakfast making machine.

TRULY
What's wrong with a stove and a skillet?

JEREMY
Inefficient.

JEMIMA
Not as fun!

TRULY
Breakfast making machine? ..
(Amused)
... rather eccentric ... wouldn't you say?

POTTS
(A little put off)
No I wouldn't say.

TRULY
Well, I'm sorry, I didn't mean ...

POTTS
Good day, Madam.

TRULY
Good day.
(Driving off on her motorcycle )
... Oh, and thank you.
TRULY exits DL on her motorcycle.
SFX: Gears grinding.

POTTS
(To TRULY, offstage)
And pull out the choke!


#3 - You Two

JEMIMA
(To JEREMY)
I think he likes her.

POTTS
(Focus still offstage)
Vicious, interfering. confounded woman!
JEREMY
(To JEMIMA)
I think you're right.

POTTS
Who does she think she is, telling me how to raise my children? Implying that I am eccentric. I am not eccentric. Implying I don't look after you ... I look after you alright, don't I?

JEMIMA
Of course you do, Daddy.

POTTS
After all, why do [work SO hard?
Music starts ... number is staged on and around old "chitty"
(Spoken)
WHAT MAKES THE BATILE WORTII THE FIGHTING?
WHAT MAKES THE MOUNTAIN WORTH THE CLIMB?
(Sung)
WHAT MAKES THE QUESTION WORTII THE ASKING?

JEREMY & JEMIMA
THE REASON WORTH THE RHYME?

POTTS
(Spoken)
Exactly!
(Sung)
TO ME THE ANSWER•S CLEAR
Irs HAVING SOMEONE NEAR
SOMEONE DEAR
SOMEONE TO CARE FOR

TO BE THERE FOR
I HAVE YOU TWO
SOMEONE TO DO FOR
MUDDLE THROUGH FOR

I HAVE YOU TWO
SOMEONE TO SHARE
JOY OR DESPAIR WITH
WHICHEVER BETIDES YOU

LIFE BECOMES A CHORE
UNLESS YOU•RE LIVING FOR

SOMEONE TO TEND TO
BE A FRIEND TO
I HAVE YOU TWO

(POTTS)
SOMEONE TO STRIVE FOR
STAY ALIVE FOR
I HAVE YOU TWO
COULD BE
WE THREE
GET ALONG SO FAMOUSLY
CAUSE YOU TWO
HAVE ME
AND I HAVE YOU TWO, TOO

Musical interlude under dialogue.

JEREMY & JEMIMA
Because we are the Potts' Family. Right?

POTTS
Right!

JEREMY & JEMIMA
And the Potts' Family sticks together.

POTTS
Right!

JEREMY & JEMIMA
And we all pitch in right?

POTTS
Right!

JEMIMA
Right!

POTTS
Right!

JEREMY
Right!

POTTS
Right!

JEREMY & JEMIMA
Right!

ALL
COULD BE
WE THREE
GET ALONG SO FAMOUSLY 'CAUSE

POTTS
YOU TWO
HAVE ME
AND! HAVE YOU TWO

JEREMY & JEMIMA
YOU HAVE US TWO

POTTS
! HAVE

ALL
YOU TWO ... TOO
Button and Applause. COGGINS enters with JUNKMAN MSR

JUNKMAN
Here you go, Coggins ... Seven Shillings. Not as much as last week.

COGGINS
Business is slow.
JUNKMAN
(Giving Old-Chitty the once-over)
What's this heap of old iron doing here?

COGGINS
Old iron?

JUNKMAN
I'll give you ten bob for it.

COGGINS
You don't be daft. This was once a great Car. Won the grand prix three years running.

JUNKMAN
Heh, heh ... So it's a car, is it?

JEMIMA
Certainly it's a Car.

JEREMY
It's our racing Car.

JUNKMAN
I'll give you fifteen bob for it.

COGGINS
Make it thirty bob and she's yours.

JEMIMA
Mister Coggins, you're not going to sell her, are you?

JUNKMAN
Course he's going to sell her ... what do you think he's running a children’s playground or something? Alright thirty bob, I'll pick her up tomorrow.
(CHILDREN climb out of car and run to COGGINS DSR)

JEREMY
But Mister Coggins, you promised we could play in her.

COGGINS
Well, I'm sorry my dears but she's not any use to me. Times arc hard.

JEREMY
But you can't take her away.

JEMIMA
She's not just any old Car ... she's ours.

JUNKMAN
Not any more she ain't.

JEMIMA
But what are you going to do with her?

JUNKMAN
I'll tell you what we're going to do with her. We're going to put her in the dapper. And we're going to crush her up until she's one solid piece of metal. Then we're going to put her in the fiery furnace and we're going to melt her down till she's liquid iron. That's what we're going to do with her.

POTTS
Excuse me sir, you're scaring my children.
The radiator grill at the front of old Chitty falls forward. SFX: BONG..!!!'
... and the Car too.

JUNKMAN
I'll sec you tomorrow, Bill.



#3a - Boris and Goran

Underscoring in as JUNKMAN exits as BORIS and GORAN pop up from behind the petrol pumps USL.

BORIS
That's it, Goran. That's the Car that won the grand prix. We've found it

GORAN
The Baron is going to love us now ... right, Boris?

BORIS
Ya ... and all we need to do is get thirty Bob ..

GORAN
(To each other)
Ya ... thirty Bobs ... what's a Bob?

BORIS
Good question, Goran.
(Slowly ducking behind petrol pumps)
... very good question.

JEMIMA
Please Mr. Coggins, you can't sell our lovely Car to that nasty man.

COGGINS
Well, I'm sorry children, but I'm afraid I already have.

JEREMY
I know, Daddy will buy it for us, won't he Jemima.

JEMIMA
Of Course he will.

POTTS
30 shillings.

#4 - Reprise - You Two

Underscoring in ... intro to "You Two"

COGGINS
Well, think about it ... she's not going anywhere till tomorrow. I'd rather sell her to you ... I've always wanted to see the ole girl fixed up and back on the road where she belongs.
COGGINS exits. JEREMY and JEMIMA are looking M their father.

POTTS
30 Shillings is a lot of money, Children.
They walk and sing DS as scene shifts to their Windmill Home. As they sing, the kitchen table and breakfast making machine come on from Ll to C to create interior. along with sweets milking machine from L2 to MSL and the putting shed from R3 to UR. The petrol pumps are pulled off, Old Chitty is struck to stage right wing by stage management and carpenter. The Windmill sails are flown in. During the number POTTS fixes the machine and makes breakfast for his family.


SCENE TWO - Windmill Home

JEREMY & JEMIMA
SOMEONE TO CARE FOR
TO BE THERE FOR

POTTS
I HAVE YOU TWO

JEREMY & JEMIMA
SOMEONE TO DO FOR
MUDDLE THROUGH FOR

POTTS
I HAVE YOU TWO
SOMEONE TO SMILE
ONCE IN A WHILE IVITH
WHENEVER YOU'RE WNESOME
I'VE A HAPPY LOT
CONSIDERING WHAT I'VE GOT

POTTS starts firing the breakfast making machine
JEREMY and JEMIMA throw eggs to their father, who puts them in the machine.

BUT YOU COULDN'T DO MORE
THAN YOU 00 FOR YOUR POOR FATHER
THINGS GO ASUNDER
AND I WONDER WHY YOU BOTHER.

JEREMY and JEMIMA set table as Potts lowers conveyer belt for plates to run along.

COULD BE

JEREMY & JEMIMA
COULD BE

POTTS
COULD BE

JEREMY, JEMIMA & POTTS
WE THREE
GET ALONG SO FAMOUSLY 'CAUSE
POITS takes plates and sets table, rotating it as necessary.

JEREMY & JEMIMA
WE TWO
HAVE YOU

POTTS
AND! HAVE YOU TWO ...
EDISON, the family dog, runs to table and sits.
... TOO
Button. End of song.
GRANDPA enters from the outhouse singing #POSH# to himself.
GRANDPA
'Shun ... !
(They all stand at attention.)

JEREMY & JEMIMA
As you were ...
Do I smell food? Oh! Sausages, my favorite. Nothing like breakfast at supper time.
Run along now Edison.

POTTS
How was India?

GRANDPA
Well, I'll tell II you, I got up this morning and I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How an elephant got ...

POTTS, JEMIMA & JEREMY
.... got into my pajamas I shall never know.

GRANDPA
You've heard it before.

POTTS
Absolutely not. First time. Tuck in.
Grandpa sits to eat.

GRANDPA
So my boy, how's the sweet making machine coming along?

POTTS
Well, it's very nearly perfectly perfected.
He demos the machine.
Children, observe and be amazed.
Produces sweet
Careful - it's hot!

GRANDPA
Is it supposed to have all these holes in it?

POTTS
No, that's the imperfect aspect.
GRANDPA goes behind breakfast machine to get sauce..

JEREMY
Daddy?

POTTS
Hmmm?

JEREMY
Could we ask you something? It's about Mr. Coggins.

JEMIMA
He has to sell our Car.

POTTS
I know.

JEMIMA
And if we don't save her, he'll sell her for scrap!

JEREMY
Mr. Coggins did say that we could have her if you gave him thirty shillings.

POTTS
Urn .... well.. .. thirty shillings is an awful lot of...

JEREMY & JEMIMA
Please, Daddy. Please.

POTTS
I'm sure we Can work something out.
(Potts looks to Grandpa who is now stood SR of the Breakfast table.)

JEREMY & JEMIMA
Goodie!

POTTS
Just this once you can finish your supper upstairs. Grandpa and I need to talk.

JEREMY & JEMIMA
Thank you, Daddy.

JEREMY
Goodnight, Grandpa.

JEMIMA
Goodnight, Daddy.

POTTS
Goodnight.

GRANDPA
Goodnight, God Bless, don't let the bugs undress.
JEREMY and JEMIMA exit DSL.

POTTS
Thirty shillings. How on earth am I supposed to find thirty shillings?

GRANDPA
I haven't the foggiest. Still they don't ask for much, do they?

POTTS
That's because they don't get much.

GRANDPA
That's true!

POTTS
But, God knows, I'm doing my best.

GRANDPA
Yes, but we're not bad parents are we?

POTTS
No, no we're not.

GRANDPA
But still nothing Can replace their mother.

POTTS
I know. I know. But thirty shillings!

GRANDPA
Thirty shillings!

POTTS
Ah well. Nothing's impossible. One of these inventions is going to work one day, isn't it Grandpa?

GRANDPA
Almost entirely certainly.

POTTS
Absolutely. 'Night Grandpa.
Exits DSL

GRANDPA
'Night my boy.
Thinks to himself
My boy ... got a lot on his plate he has. Funny old family we are. Still, we all muck in as best we Can.
(Set moves off behind Grandpa as light jades, leaving him in a follow spot.)


#5 - Them Three

SOMEONE TO CARE FOR
TO BE TGERE FOR
I HAVE THEM THREE

SOMEONE TO DO FOR
MUDDLE THROUGH FOR
I HAVE1HEM THREE

WHAT'S MORE
WE FOUR
GET ALONG ENORMOUSLY
CAUSE 1HEM THREE
HAVE ME
AND THAT'S WHAT US FOUR'S FOR.

On the last beat of the song he has one of the sweets in his hand, and blows it absent-mindedly. It toots fairly melodiously for a sweet. Good lord.
He tries it again ... Bing! An idea.
Well, Blimey O'Reilly, he's invented something that works! Caractarus, Caractacus my boy!
He exits DSL

SCENE THREE
Lobby - Reception area o/LORD SCRUMPTIOUS' Sweet Factory. MISS PHILUPS (played by the same actor as the Baroness) enters DSR with assistant. ENSEMBLE pass left to right. POTTS enters with JEMIMA and JEREMY last, from SL.

MISS PHILLIPS
(TO WORKER)
Late!
(TO ANOTHER WORKER)
Late!
(TO POTTS)
Late!

POTTS
Excuse me?

MISS PHILLIPS
There are no vacancies. Goodbye.

POTTS
But, I've invented a sweet, so if you would please inform Lord Scrumptious

MISS PHILLIPS
Lord Scrumptious sees nobody without an appointment.

POTTS
Then I'd like to schedule an appointment.

MISS PHILLIPS
Appointments are scheduled on the third Monday of every month. You're welcome to schedule an appointment to schedule an appointment, but not until next Thursday when appointments for appointments are scheduled.

POTTS
How on earth docs anything get done around here?

MISS PHILLIPS
By appointment.
At this point, TRULY sweeps in from DSL passing between Jeremy and Jemima.

TRULY
Morning Phillips.

JEMIMA
Truly! Truly!

JEREMY
Daddy it's Truly!

TRULY
Jeremy. Jemima. Mr. Potts. What brings you here?

MISS PHILLIPS
Good morning Miss.
(TO PHILLIPS' ASSISTANT)
Please inform Lord Scrumptious that his daughter has arrived.

POTTS
(Realizing)
You're, Truly Scrumptious.

TRULY
So I've been told.

POTTS
(Heading off)
Come along now children, let's go.

JEREMY
But Daddy.

TRULY
Just a moment, Mr. Potts. Exactly what is it you've Come about?

JEREMY & JEMIMA
Daddy's invented a ...
POTTS quickly hushes the children by covering their mouths with his hands. JEREMY holds out his bag of Toot Sweets.

TRULY
Ah, sweets... with holes.

POTTS
It just so happens, that these holes are, seemingly deliberately placed and precisely arranged...
TRULY
They are, are they?
POTTS
Oh, yes ... absolutely ... Listen ...
He blows on one of the sweets - JEREMY and JEMIMA blow and add a note, forming a chord.

TRULY blows through the sweet, creating a melodic note. Sire giggles in spite of herself.

TRULY
How delightful. How fun.

MISS PHILLIPS
Only useful for calling dogs, I would imagine.

LORD SCRUMPTIOUS (played by same actor whi plays Baron) enters DSR, followed by MISS PHILUPS assistant.

SCRUMPTIOUS
Good Morning. Good Morning, Truly.

TRULY
Daddy, this is Mr. Potts and he's invented something.

SCRUMPTIOUS
I'm hoping it's not a sweet.

TRULY
Daddy Please.

SCRUMPTIOUS
Very well.
(Looks at his pocket watch then sharply, to POITS)
You have exactly twenty seconds.

POTTS
Thank you ... well Sir, the fundamental novelty of this particular brand of confectionery is its musical quality.

SCRUMPTIOUS
Ten.

POTTS
By placing one's fingers over the holes.

SCRUMPTIOUS
Five.

POTTS
And blowing thusly!
As ge blows, the sound is drowned out by a very loud factory whistle. An aver-excited
CHEF rushes on.
SFX: Factory whistle.

CHEF
Tasting time!

SCRUMPTIOUS
Too late! Had your chance. Muffed it!
LORD SCRUMPTIOUS starts to go ...

TRULY
Follow him.

#6 - Toot Sweets

... as Factory Reception Cloth raises revealing Sweets Factory.
POITS and CHILDREN follow through to the Sweet Factory, replete with bubbling vats of gloop, conveyor belts of sweets and chocolates, enormous lollipops and Candy twists, a score or 50 of EMPLOYEES all dressed in white (the WOMEN with white hair nets) As POTTS pitches his sweets to SCRUMPTIOUS, the latter is moving around the factory being offered a bite of this, a taste of that.

SCRUMPTIOUS
Good Morning.

ALL
Good Morning Lord Scrumptious.

SCRUMPTIOUS
Good Morning, Good Morning.
Factory workers line up as underscoring out and ...
SFX: Factory whistle.
It's Tasting time.


TRULY
(To POITS, encouraging him)
Tell him.

POTTS
Yes ... By blowing air through this hole you get a wonderful sounding ...

SCRUMPTIOUS
(Tasting a confection)
Raspberry?

POTTS
No, it's more like a toot really.

TRULY
(Interrupting)
Co on, Mr. Potts. You've got him.

POTTS
By raising the boiling point of my sugar, the resulting porosity and cylindrical shape ...

TRULY
Daddy.

SCRUMPTIOUS
Truly.
(Seeing Potts)
You.

POTTS
Yes ... uhhhhhh ...
DON’T WASTE YOUR PUCKER ON SOME ALL DAY SUCKER
AND DON"T TRY A TOFFEE OR CREAM
IF YOU SEEK PERFECTION IN SUGAR CONFECTION
WELL THERE’S SOMETHING NEW ON THE SCENE

A MOUTHFUL OF CHEER
A SWEET WITHOUT PEER
A MUSICAL MORSEL SUPREME

TOOT SWEETS, TOOT SWEETS
THE CANDIES YOU WHISTLE
THE WHISTLES YOU EAT
TOOT SWEETS, TOOT SWEETS
THE EATABLE, TWEETABLE TREAT

TRULY
TOOT SWEETS, TOOT SWEETS
THE TOOT OF A FLUTE
WITH THE FLAVOUR OF FRUIT
TOOT SWEETS, TOOT SWEETS
NO WNGER NEED CANDY BE MUTE

POTTS
THIS GRAND INNOVATION
IN CANDY CREATION WILL CAUSE A SENSATION I KNOW

TRULY
THE KIDDIES WILL CRAVE FOR AND EAGERLY
RAVE FOR

Add POTTS
A WHISTLE TO SAVOUR AND BLOW

POTTS
THAT MUSICAL OF PEER

TRULY
THAT SWEET WITHOUT PEER

BOTH
THAT MUSICAL MORSEL SUPREME
TOOT SWEETS, TOOT SWEETS
A BON-BON TO BWW ON
AT LAST HAS BEEN FOUND
TOOT SWEETS, TOOT SWEETS
WITH EATABLE, TWEETABLE, SOUND

SCRUMPTIOUS
Scrumptious inspects various sweet items bought In him by factory workers and either says 'Yes' or 'No' In each in turn.

JEREMY & JEMIMA
PLEASE ... !!!
SCRUMPTIOUS tweets the treat twice, giggles, then takes a bite ...

POTTS
He likes it!
WORKERS cheer.
THEIR VALUE'S INTRINSIC

TRULY
SURPASS ANY MINT STICK

JEREMY & JEMIMA
OR MARSHMALLOW MOUTHFUL YOU MUNCH

POTTS
THOUGH LIQUORICE IS CHEWY

TRULY
AND GUMDROPS ARE GOOEY

JEREMY & JEMIMA
AND CHOCOLATE IS CHARMING TO CRUNCH

TRULY & POTTS
THAT SUGARY FIFE

FEMALE WORKERS
THAT SWEET OF YOUR LIFE

ALL WORKERS
IS CLEARLY THE BFST OF THE BUNCH
TOOT SWEETS, TOOT SWEETS
TOOT SWEETS, TOOT SWEETS

POTTS
THAT SUGARY FIFE

TRULY
THAT SWEET OF YOUR LIFE

ALL
IS CLEARLY THE BFST OF THE BUNCH
TOOT SWEETS, TOOT SWEETS
A BON•BON TO BWW ON
AT LAST HAS BEEN FOUND
TOOT SWEETS, TOOT SWEETS
THE TREAT THAT'S SO TWEETABLE
LUSCIOUSLY EATABLE
WTH THAT UNBEATABLE
SOUND!

Number buttons applause. Dogs can be heard barking.

MISS PHILLIPS
Dogs..!

SCRUMPTIOUS
Dogs..?

POTTS
It's the sweets, we must have whistled them in by accident.

A dag (Socks) runs from SL to SR. Then once he has exited a whole pack of dogs run on stage from both sides and move US with cast as Country Cloth comes in.).



SCENE FOUR
GORAN and BORIS enter fram DRl. BORIS counts his newly acquired shillings white GORAN follows.

BORIS
28,29,30 bob shillings.
A stray dog from the last seem (Buffy) runs across the stage from DR to DL.

GORAN
I think it was a Shih Tzu.

BORIS
No it was a fox terrier ... And don't call me Sue.

GORAN
All we need to do now is buy the Car.

BORIS
It's not so simple. Mr. Coggins wants to sell it to that nice, Englishman. I don't think he's going to sell it to two Vulgarians.

GORAN
I've got it! Vee von't tell him ve are from Vulgaria.

BORIS
Goran, one only has to look at you to know how vulgar you arc.

GORAN
Yes. I have a vulgar heart.

BORIS
Yes.

GORAN
I have a vulgar mind.

BORIS
Yes.

GORAN
Can't I speak English and still be Vulgar?

BORIS
No, Goran. That would make you American. We must be English ... From now on Goran you will be Gordon.

GORAN
(Haughtily)
Gordon.

BORIS
... and I, Boris, will be ...
They think .

GORAN
Doris?

BORIS
(Pause ... finally)
Brilliant!

GORAN
And we will be English.

BOTH
Ha! Ha! Ha!

#7-Act English

BORIS
VE MUST BE VISE

BORIS & GORAN
VE’RE SUPER SPIES
BEFORE THEIR EYES
VE’LL ANGLICISE

GORAN
But Doris, how do ve angIicise?

BORIS
It's simple. Ve blend in with the population ...

GORAN
Oh!

BORIS
ACT ENGLISH, BE DEBONAIR
ACT ENGLISH PUT ON A HAUGHTY STARE

GORAN
FROM NOW ON VE MUST AVOID SUSPICIOUS GAZES

BORIS & GO RAN
BY SPOUTING INDIGENOUS ENGLISH PHRASES.

BORIS
They're right here in this book. Repeat und Memorize
I SAY OLD BEAN

GORAN
I SAY OLD BEAN

BORIS
VAT HO

GORAN
VAT HO

BORIS
TOODUE PIP

GORAN
TOODUE PIP

BORIS
GOOD SHOW

GORAN
GOOD SHOW

BORIS
VELL PLAYED OLD CHAP

GORAN
VELL PLAYED OLD CHAP

BORIS
STICKY VICKET

GORAN
VICKY STICKET
I vonce knew a woman named Vickey Sticket...
(He acts out running his hands over an hour glass figured woman ... purring.)

BORIS
SPIFFING

GORAN
SPIFFING

BORIS
CRIKEY

GORAN
CRIKEY

BORIS
TA TICKETY BOO
GORAN
TA TICKETY BOO

BORIS
You see it's simple.

BORIS
ACT ENGLISH ON THIS BRITISH ISLE

GORAN
ACT ENGLISH UNO VEAR A BULLDOG SMILE

BORIS
VEN DINING AT THE PUB OR A STYLISH VENUE

GORAN
PRETEND YOU ACTUALLY COMPREHEND THE MENU

BORIS
Repeat it quick and you won't get sick.
TOAD IN THE HOLE

GORAN
TOAD IN THE HOLE

BORIS
SPOITED DICK
Tacit ... and on.
BUBBLE AND SQUEAK

GORAN
BUBBLE AND SQUEAK

BORIS
TEA

GORAN
TEA


BORIS
BROWN VlNDSOR SOUP

GORAN
BROWN VlNDSOR SOUP

BORIS
STEAK UNO KIDNEY

GORAN
CAKE UNO SIDNEY

BORIS
SCONES

GORAN
SCONES

BORIS
CRUMPETS

GORAN
CRUMPETS

BORIS
BANGERS UNO MASH UNO TEA
BANGERS UNO MASH UNO...

GORAN
Again tea?

BORIS
They drink lea with everything!

BORIS & GORAN
TALK ABOUT CRICKET ANO THE STATE OF THE WICKET

GORAN
IF AN UMPIRE IS RUDE

BORIS
ONE NEVER COMPLAINS

GORAN
I von't complain!

BORIS
UNO REMEMBER TO SAY 'CHEERS'
WHEN YOU DRINK VARM BEERS

GORAN
UND BE SURPRISED WHENEVER IT RAINS

BORIS
And henceforth ve vill…

BORIS
DRFSS ENGLISH APPEAR IN RIDING SUITS

GORAN
Tally Ho!

BORIS
TWEED JACKETS, PLUS FOURS AND VELLlNCTON BOOTS

GORAN
Vellington boots?

BORIS
AND REMEMBER TO SUSTAIN A SPIFFY ATITUDE

GORAN
Pip Pip!

BORIS & GO RAN
KEEP YOUR NOSE UP HIGH UND SPOUT AND ENGLISH PLATITUDE

GORAN
Tut tut old sock

BORIS
GORDON!

GORAN
BORIS!

BORIS
DORIS!

GORAN
WHAT?

BORIS & GORAN
GET THIS RIGHT
- OR WE’LL GET SHOT!

BORIS
I SAY OLD BEAN

GORAN
I SAY OLD BEAN

BORIS & GORAN
TA TICKETY BOO
IF THEY CAN'T TELL WHO VE ARE
VE CAN GET THAT FUPPING CAR

(BORIS & GO RAN)
VITH OUT THAT CAR VERE GONNA VINO UP
WITH OUR HANDS UNO FEET SO NEATLY 1WINED UP
AND THE FIRING SQUAD IS GONNA BE LINED UP
UND VE'LL DIE, VE'LL DIE, VE'LL DIE

They exit in vaudeville fashion in-one DL Applause…
They reenter from DL and"

#7a-Act English (Tag) & Scene Change

VlTH OUT THAT CAR VERE GONNA WIND UP
VlTH OUR HANDS UND FEET SO NEATLY TWINED UP
AND THE FIRING SQUAD IS GONNA BE LINED UP
UND VE'LL DIE, VE'LL DIE, VE'LL..

Pack of Dogs enter from DR, chasing SPIES off DL.
DIE..!
Applause…



SCENE FIVE
Music as Country Cloth rises. We're back at the Mill. - The CHILDREN'S bedroom. It is night-time. POITS is by JEREMY AND JEMIMA's bedside C2.

JEREMY
Daddy, have you been. working late again..?

POTTS
Why aren't you two asleep?

JEMIMA
We've been thinking.

JEREMY
We know how to raise the money for the Car.

JEMIMA
We can sell our treasures.

JEREMY
Look King Alfred's Crown.

JEMIMA
The nail from Noah's Ark.

JEREMY
The stone possibly from Stonehenge.

JEMIMA
These things are enormously valuable. Take them, Daddy. You can sell them.

JEREMY
And you can use the money to buy the Car.

JEMIMA
Jeremy!!!

JEREMY
And for all your inventions.

POTTS
Thank you, Children. All these wonderful things ... they're very precious. I'm afraid other people wouldn't appreciate them.

JEMIMA
Why not, Daddy?

POTTS
Because other people don't sec things the way you do. Come now, let's go to sleep. I have to go to the Fun Fair.

JEREMY & JEMIMA
Oh goodie. Can we come?

POTTS
No, it’s not for fun. Daddy has a plan.

JEREMY
What about the boats..?

#8 - Hushabye Mountain

POTTS
The boats ... ? What boats.?

JEMIMA
The boats and thc breeze ..

JEREMY
The song Mummy used to sing.
Oh, of Course.

POTTS
A GENTLE BREEZE FROM HUSHABYE MOUNTAIN
SOFTLY BLOWS O'ER LULLABY BAY
IT FILLS THE SAILS OF BOATS THAT ARE WAITING
WAITING TO SAIL YOUR WORRIES AWAY

Now close your eyes and float far away ...
(Stars start to light up on the star doth and portals)

IT ISN’T FAR TO HUSHABYE MOUNTAIN
AND YOUR BOAT WAITS DOWN BY THE QUAY
THE WINDS OF NIGHT SO SOFTLY ARE SIGHING
s(x)N THEY WILL FLY YOUR TROUBLES TO SEA
SO CLOSE YOUR EYES ON HUSHABYE MOUNTAIN
WAVE GOODBYE TO CARES OF THE DAY
AND WATCH YOUR BOAT FROM HUSHABYE MOUNTAIN
SAIL FAR AWAY
FROM LULLABY BAY

Sweet dreams. Daddy loves you very much.
The Children close their eyes. The stars start to fade, as the beds move offSR and the
"Windmill sails slowly fly out. Potts moves downstage.

SO CLOSE YOUR EYES ON HUSHABYE MOUNTAIN
WAVE GOODBYE TO CARES OF THE DAY
AND WATCH YOUR BOAT FROM HUSHABYE MOUNTAIN

(POTTS)
SAIL FAR AWAY
FROM LULLABY, BAY
In blackout upstage the pin hole doth flies in and slowly lights up the funfair at the rod of song. POTTS looks to the heavens and blows a kiss. Then sudden realization.
YES…
POTTS runs off Mid Stage Left.



SCENE SIX - The Fun Fair

#9 - Fun Fair (Underscore)

Acrobat flips onto stage from DSL to C then when ready, Potts rides haircutting machine from MSL to DSR, hawking haircuts, as the ENSEMBLE flood onto the stage as circus folk and townspeople. Bamboo MEN set tent poles from R2 to L2 creating the Fair tenting and /unfair stage.

POTTS
Haircuts! Haircuts! Ladies and gentlemen who is for an absolutely spiffing automatic haircut? Roll up, roll up, a positive snip at threepence a time! Hair cuts While-You-Wait.
Music shifts to spooky spy music Fun Fair Sane freezes. BORIS and GORAN, dressed extremely '"Englishy” appear MSL after being hidden behind a large bunch of balloons.

GORAN
But Doris, I don't understand. How could Coggins not have believed we verc English? Me ole cock sparra .. !

BORIS
Ahh Gordon ...

GORAN
I'm sorry; Doris. It's my fault. My wicket was too sticky.

BORIS
No.

GORAN
My toad ... not in his hole.

BORIS
No.

GORAN
And I forgot to show him my spotted -

BORIS covers GORANS mouth. They freeze, lights change as same moves to a crowd that has gathered around POTTS, notably SIDNEY and VIOLET.

POTTS
... a positive snip at threepence a time!...

VIOLET
Come on Sid, you could do with a haircut.

SID
What, cut my hair? I'm like Samson, me.

VIOLET
Really?

SID
That's where all my strength is.

VIOLET
Rubbish! You're scared. He's a big old scarcdy cat.

SID
Am I now? All right mate, do your worst. Not too short..!!
SID removes his hilt and sits in the machine, where a sort of metal hood is lowered over his skull. POTTS mounts the bicycle and starts pedaling.

POTTS
Now just you relax Sir, and we'll have you done in a jiffy. Observe and be amazed. Scene of Hair cut once again freezes and special comes back up on the spies.

BORIS
And now, if his invention works, Potts will make enough money to buy the car himself. In which case, we must abandon plan A do plan B ... see?

GORAN
What is plan C?

BORIS
There is no plan C.

GORAN
But you said...

BORIS
Plan B. .. B!!!.

GORAN
Oh ... I see!

BOTH
Then we steal it from him ... ha, ha, ha, ha ...
Lighting snaps back to crowd scene as Boris and Goran blend into the crowd.

SID
Not been courting a month and she's trying to change the way I look.

VIOLET
Hang on a second, Sidney.
Smoke has started to billow from the machine out of the funnel at the front.

SID
Here, Vi, what's going on?

POTTS
Nothing to worry about, Sir, a little friction to start with.

SID
It tickles.

VIOLET
Sidney, you're smoking!

SID
I'm on fire!

POTTS
Almost finished.

SID
Turn it off! I'm On fire! My head’s on fire!
A bell sounds on the machine.

POTTS
Well Sir that's you cooked, I mean done, I mean finished...
He raises the meta/hood and SID is completely bald. The CROWD gasps.

VIOLET
Flipping heck, Sid - you're as bald as a Baby's bum!

POTTS
(Trying to brazen it out - moving hand mirror up and dawn quickly)
Well there we are Sir. It's a new look.

VIOLET
(dubious)
It's certainly that.

POTTS
Will there be something else, Sir? Something for the weekend?

SID
(Turning on him)
I'11 give you something for the weekend!
SID tries to swing a punch at Potts who ducks and runs.

#10-Me Ol' Bambboo

POTTS
(trying to erit)
Sorry, I must dash
Here, Vi! He's getting away! After him!

SID
By which time POTTS has begun to make his escape. Haircutting machine pulled off RI, as POTTS, chased by SID, runs through tenting UR to UL and ends up in line of MORRIS DANCERS coming out of main tenting UL .. SID eventually loses him and exits R with Violet and Turkey Farmer.

MORRIS MEN
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT
A GENTLEMAN'S GOT A WALKING STICK
A SEAMAN'S GOT A GAFF
AND THE MERRY MEN OF ROBIN HOOD
THEY USED A QUARTER STAFF

ON THE SPANISH PLAINS
INSIDE THEIR CANES
THEY HIDE THEIR RUDDY SWORDS
BUT WE MAKE DO WITH AN OLD BAMBOO
AND EVERYONE APPLAUDS


ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, HEY!

ME OC BAMBOO, ME OL' BAMBOO
YA BE! IER NEVER BOTHER WITH ME OC BAMBOO

YOU CAN HAVE ME HAT OR ME BUMBERSHOO
BUT YOU BETTER NEVER BOTHER WITH ME OL' BAMBOO

WHEN PUNTING ON THE BEAUTIFUL THAMES

POTTS
YOU USE A STURDY POLE

MORRIS MEN
TO PROTECT THEIR FAIR COMPLEXIONS

POTTS
LADIES USE A PARASOL

MORRIS MEN
IT'S USEFUL IN THE UNDERBRUSH

POTTS
TO HAVE A HEFTY SPEAR

MORRIS MEN
RIGHT!

ALL
BUT WHAT WE DO WITH AN OL' BAMBOO
MAKES EVERYBODY CHEER
ONE, TWO, THREE, OH

ME OL' BAMBOO, ME OL' BAMBOO
YOU BETTER NEVER BOTHER WITH ME OL' BAMBOO
YOU CAN HAVE ME HAT OR ME BUMBERSHOO
BUT YOU BETTER NEVER BOTHER WTH ME OL' BAMBOO

MORRIS MAN
'ave a go mate,

POTTS
A FLYER IN AN AIR-E-O-PLANE

MORRIS MEN
HE STEERS IT WITH A STICK

POTTS
HE DOES?
A COLLIER IN THE PITS 0' WALES

MORRIS MEN
HE LEANS UPON HIS PICK

POTTS
THAT'S RIGHT!

MORRIS MEN
NOW EVERY WHEEL OF AN AUOTOMOBILE
REVOLVES AROUND A SHAFT

Add POTTS
BUT WHAT WE DO WITH AN OLD BAM-BOO
MAKES EVERY ONE GO DAFT,
ONE! - TWO!
ME OL' BAMBO, ME OL' BAMBOO

(MORRIS MEN & POTTS)
YA BETTER NEVER BOTHER WITH ME OL' BAMBOO

YOU CAN HAVE ME HAT OR ME BUMBERSHOO
BUT YOU BETTER NEVER BOTHER WITH ME OL' BAM
DANCE BREAK

MORRIS MEN
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT!
AND A ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, AND SIX, AND SEVEN, AND EIGHT!

ME OL' BAMBOO, ME OL' BAMBOO
YA BETTER NEVER BOTHER WITH ME OL' BAMBOO
YA CAN HAVE ME HAT OR ME BUMBERSHOO
BUT YOU BETTER NEVER BOTHER WITH ME OL' BAMBOO!
YA BETTER NEVER BOTHER WITH ME OL' BAMBOO

The number finishes. POTTs is congratulated by Bamboo men. Turkey former runs on DSR. Circus Girls ail USR

TURKEY FARMER
Ah, there you are.

POTTS
What do you mean?
TURKEY FARMER
You're Potts.

POTTS
No I'm not.

TURKEY FARMER
Potts the inventor.


POTTS
No.

TURKEY FARMER
Did you invent that haircutting machine?

POTTS
No.

TURKEY FARMER
That's a shame, because I want to buy it.

POTTS
Well, no in the sense of yes.

TURKEY FARMER
What do you want for it?

POTTS
What do I want for it? I want thirty shillings.

TURKEY FARMER
Done.
They shake hands

POTTS
I should warn you, it's still at the experimental stage.

TURKEY FARMER
I don't want it for rutting hair; I want it for plucking turkeys.

POTTS
Plucking turkeys?

TURKEY FARMER
Yes, I'm a turkey farmer. And with your machine I Can kill 'em, pluck 'em and cook 'em all in one go. There you are thirty bob. And I call it a bargain. And I call it a miracle. Thank you Mr ...
(Reading the cheque)
Matthews. One car, coming up!

POTTS
(Potts exits DSR. MEN move DS as BLUE cloth and Garage flies in).

#10a - Playoff: Me Ol' Bamboo

MORRIS MEN & POTTS
ME OL' BAMBOO, ME OL' BAMBOO
YA BE! IER NEVER BOTHER WITH ME OL' BAMBOO
YOU CAN HAVE ME HAT OR ME BUMBERSHOO
BUT YOU BETTER NEVER BOTHER WITH ME OL' BAM BOO...

(Bamboo Men dance, covering change... Bamboo Dancers exit DSR as BLUE flies out revealing GARAGE)
(POTTS has set himself behind this and Chitty is then set.)
YOU BE! IER NEVER BOTHER WITH ME OLE BAM BOO.... !!

SCENE SEVEN
(As garage is revealed JEREMY & JEMIMA are seen painting the garage. The car horn sounds and Grandpa ENTERS from DSL)

JEREMY & JEMIMA
It's daddy, it's daddy, he's got the car, he's got the car.
(Potts comes out through the small garage door with the posser in his handd singing a section from Ol Bamboo).

GRANDPA
That's a nice pile of junk you got there.

POTTS
Yes, yes ... needs a little work. But there's a fine engine under here.

GRANDPA
Does it go?

POTTS
No, not yet ... but it will. [t will.

JEMIMA
You Can make it go, can't you daddy?

POTTS
Well swedpea, we're going to give it a try.
POITS exits into work shed, singing "Me Ol Bamboo" ... closing door.

JEREMY
Can we stay and watch, Daddy?

GRANDPA
You know what your father's like when he's working. Better stay with me. I'll be taking care of things for a while ... you know how it is.
(Grandpa and kids move DSL for song)
Did I tell you about the time I sailed from Liverpool?

JEREMY & JEMIMA
Yes!

GRANDPA
Did I? Hard luck I'm going to tell you again!

GRANDPA
WHEN SAILING OUT FROM LIVERPOOL
AND BOUND FOR SUNNY 'IN-JA'
BE SURE YOUR CABIN'S PORT SIDE
OR 1HE SUN IS GOING TO SINGE•YA

AND WHEN YOU'RE SAILING HOME AGAIN
THE STARBOARD SIDE'S FOR YOU
UNLESS OF COURSE YOU LIKE TO FEEL
YOU'RE BOILING IN A STEW.

OH, THE POSH, POSH TRAVELLING LIFE
THE TRAVELLING LIFE FOR ME
FIRST CABIN AND CAPTAIN'S TABLE
REGAL COMPANY
WHENEVER I'M BORED I TRAVEL ABROAD
BUT EVER SO PROPERLY
PORT OUT, STARBOARD HOME!
POSH WITH A CAPITAL P.O.S.H, P.O.S.H,
POSH!

Add JEMEMY & JEMIMA
OH, THE POSH, POSH TRAVELLING LIFE
THE TRAVELLING LIFE FOR ME
FIRST CABIN AND CAPTAIN'S TABLE
REGAL COMPANY
WHENEVER I'M BORED I TRAVEL ABROAD
BUT EVER SO PROPERLY
PORT OUT, STARBOARD HOME!
POSH WITH A CAPITAL P!

GRANDPA
IN EVERY FOREIGN S1RAND I LAND
THE ROYAL TRUMPETS TOOT ME
THE ROYAL WELCOME MAT IS OUT
THEY TWENTY-ONE GUN SALUTE ME
BUT MONARCHIES ARE CONSTANTLY
COMMANDING ME TO CALL
LAST MONTH I MIFFED A MUFTI
WELL YOU CAN'T OBLIGE 1HEM ALL

ALL
OH THE POSH POSH TRAVELLING LIFE
THE TRAVELLING LIFE FOR ME
FIRST CABIN AND CAPTAIN'S TABLE
REGAL COMPANY
WHENEVER I'M BORED I TRAVEL ABROAD
BUT EVER SO PROPERLY
PORT OUT, STARBOARD HOME!
POSH WITH A CAPITAL P!

GRANDPA
Just one more verse and chorus

THE HAND THAT HOLD THE SCEP1RE
EVERY HEAD THAT HOLDS A CROWN
THEY ALWAYS GIVE THEIR ALL FOR ME
THEY NEVER LET ME DOWN
I'M ON MY WAY TO FAR AWAY
TA-TA AND TOODLE-OOH!

Add JEREMY & JEMIMA
AND FARE THEE WELL AND BON VOYAGE
ARRIVE-DERO TOO
OH THE POSH, POSH Travelling LIFE
THE TRAVELLING LIFE FOR ME
FIRST CABIN AND CAPTAIN'S TABLE
REGAL COMPANY

GRANDPA
(GRANDPA coughs and splutters.)
PARDON THE DUST OF THE UPPER CRUST
AND NFETCH US A CUP OF TEA"

JEREMY
PORT OUT! STARBOARD HOME!

JEREMY & GRANDPA
PORT OUT! STARBOARD HOME!

GRANDPA & CHILDREN
PORT OUT! STARBOARD HOME!
POSH WITH A CAPITAL...

(GRANDPA & CHILDREN)
P.O.S.H.

GRANDPA
P.O.S.H. POSH
POSH

GRANDPA & CHILDREN
POSH WITH A CAPITAL P!
SFX: Car horn honks from inside shed.

JEREMY
That's Daddy ...
(Running to him in front of the shed)
He's finished the CM, he's finished the Car..
POITS enters through the small door. He is in a state of some disarray. He has been up all night.
Underscoring in and ...

#12 - Chitty Revealed

GRANDPA
So ya fixed it?

POTTS
Fixed it, fashioned it, primed it, polished it, and ... Well, observe and be amazed. Big magic music as POITS pulls a lever. SFX: Cranking noise. This in theoryry makes it look like it triggers the garage fly out. A pyro fires centre stage. Then a rocket on either side of the Garrage door fires and the garage starts to fly out... Blinding light and smoke as CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG is revealed in all her glory, her metalwork gleaming ... CHITTY turns facing front to DSL.

JEREMY & JEMIMA
Wow, Daddy! Wow!

POTTS
Well, what do you think?

JEREMY
Fantastic...

JEMIMA
Super...

POTTS
Used to be a racing Car. But now it's more of a family car!

GRANDPA
Well, you did it, Son.

POTTS
I did, didn't I? And all in full working order. look.
(Demonstrating with buttons in the car, Grandpa and kids have moved DSL to watch.) Headlights.

GRANDPA
Nothing.

POTTS
Headlights.

GRANDPA
More nothing.

POTTS
Please!
Bit of shimmer music as the headlights begin to glow.

JEMIMA
That's right, Daddy... she prefers it if you say 'please'. Can we go for a drive?

POTTS
A drive? I have a better idea ... how about a picnic by the seaside?
(produces hamper from behind the car)

JEREMY & JEMIMA
A picnic… hooray…

POTTS
Alright, then. Let's get cracking.

JEMIMA
What does this do?

POTTS
JEMIMA sounds the horn. And Grandpa jumps with surprise.

POTTS
It docs that.

GRANDPA
Start her up, son.. Sec if she goes.

JEREMY & JEMIMA
Please!
Engine starts ...
SFX (from orchestra): chitty, chitty, chitty, chitty ...

GRANDPA
Well, whattaya know ... a miracle of modem mechanics ... not surprised really, considering you learned it all from me, Caractacus Potts .. .
(salutes)
regimental genius.
Potts moves to look under front of the air, grandpa goes behind it and lights Jade down. Lights up on BORIS and GORAN who enter DSR with bush.

BORIS
Regimental Genius ... so that's him ... the mechanical genius, the inventor of the car.

GORAN
Which one?

BORIS
Not the young one, the old one ... behind the Car ...

GORAN
... behind the car ... ha, ha, ha, ha ...

BORIS
You've been practicing.

GORAN
Ya ...

BORIS
Gordon, you are a moron.

GORAN
Doris, don't beat about the bush.
BORIS and GORAN exit behind bush.
Chitty backfires and shoots some soot from its exhaust at GRANDPA. Everyone jumps back in amazement.

GRANDPA
(Moving round to the front with a face covered in soot.) Motor cars, all a bit modem for me. Nasty smelly scary things.
BANG! The CAR reacts angrily to this in a backfire.
All right all right. Keep your bonnet on. Anyway, I'm off to India. It's quieter there.

Exit Grandpa MSL.

POTTS
Then, we're off.

JEREMY
What a funny noise it's making.

POTTS
It's talking to us ... all engines talk.

JEREMY
What’s it saying?

POTTS
She's saying-Chitty Chitty, Chitty Chitty, Chitty Chitty, Chitty, Chitty.
We can now hear the Chitty noise loud and clear. The car backfires again twice. Music creeps in under the rhythm we’ve set up.
Chitty chitty, chitty chitty, bang bang.

ALL
Chitty Chitty; bang bang.
General laughter. The CAR backfires twice as it sets off to the countryside.

SCENE EIGHT
CHlTIY turns anti clockwise to SL and "drives"


#13 - Chitty Chitty Btlng Bang

POTTS
CHITTY BANG BANG CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG

Add JEREMY
CHITTY BANG BANG CHIllY CHITTY BANG BANG

Add JEMIMA
CHITTY BANG BANG CHIllY CHITTY BANG BANG

ALL
OH! YOU! PRETIY CHITTY BANG BANG
CHITTY CHITIY BANG BANG WE LOVE YOU
AND IN CHITIY CHITTY BANG BANG
CHITTY CHITIY BANG BANG WHAT WE'LL DO
NEAR, FAR, IN OUR MOTOR CAR
OH WHAT A HAPPY TIME WE"LL SPEND
BANG BANG CHITTY CHITIY BANG BANG
OUR FINE FOUR FENDERED FRIEND
BANG BANG CHITTY CHITIY BANG BANG
OUR FINE FOUR FENDERED FRIEND

POTTS
CHITTY BANG BANG CHIllY CHITTY BANG BANG

Add JEREMY
CHITTY BANG BANG CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG

Add JEMIMA
CHITTY BANG BANG CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG

ALL
OH! YOU! PRETIY CHITTY BANG BANG
CHITTY CHITIY BANG BANG WE LOVE YOU
AND IN CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG

CHITTY CHITIY BANG BANG WHAT WE'LL DO

(Joggers go by, running backwards… DL to DR))

(ALL)
NEAR, FAR, IN OUR MOTOR CAR
OH WHAT A HAPPY TIME WE"LL SPEND
BANG BANG CHITIY CHITTY BANG BANG.
OUR FINE FOUR FENDERED FRIEND

BANG BANG CHITIY CHITTY BANG BANG
OUR FINE FOUR FENDERED FRIEND

POTTS
YOU'RE UNCATEGORICAL

JEREMY & JEMIMA
A FUEL BURNING ORACLE

ALL
A FANTASMAGORICAL MACHINE!

JEREMY & JEMIMA
YOU'RE MORE THAN SPECTACULAR

POTTS
TO USE THE VERNACULAR
YOU'RE IVIZARD

JEREMY & JEMIMA
YOU'RE SMASHING

ALL
YOU'RE KEEN
TRULY enters on Motorcycle going #backwards" from DL w DR.
OH!
CHITTY
YOU!
CHITTY
PRETTY CHITTY BANG BANG
CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG WE LOVE YOU
AND
CHITTY
IN
CHITTY
PRETTY CHITTY BANG BANG
CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG WHAT WE'LL DO
(Children notice Truly on her motorbike)

JEREMY & JEMIMA
Truly! Truly!

TRULY
Children!

TRULY on motorbike pulls forward then continues going backwards as if motorbike is slowly breaking dawn.

ALL
Daddy, slow down, slow down!
(POTTS, reluctantly turns Chitty around to face MSL)

BANG BANG CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG
OUR FINE FOUR FENDERED FRIEND
BANG BANG CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG
OUR FINE FOUR FENDERED
(Truly appears again on her bike DSR)

POTTS
BANG BANG, CHITIY CHITTY BANG BANG

ALL
FINE FOUR FENDER ED, CHITIY CHITTY FRIEND!
POITS gets out of the car.
Miss Scrumptious, we meet again.

#I4-Reprise: Chitty Chitty Bang Bag

JEREMY & JEMIMA
Hello Truly.

TRULY
Hello children.

POTTS
Allow me.

TRULY
You really needn't bother, It's probably just the chocke pull again ...

POTTS
Nope.

TRULY
... I mean the butterfly valve...

POTTS
Nope.

TRULY
Mister Potts, if you don't mind, I am more than capable of repairing my own...

POTTS
(To the children)
She's blown her gasket...

TRULY
I beg your pardon.
POTTS
Your gasket... on your engine.

TRULY
Oh ...

POTTS
I'm afraid you won't be going anywhere on this for a while.

JEREMY
We're going to the seaside.

JEMIMA
On a picnic.

JEREMY
Come with us.

JEMIMA
Please.

POTTS
You needn't worry about your motorcycle. We can have Mr. Coggins pick it up.

TRULY
I was on my way to an afternoon tea. But, I must say, a picnic at the seaside sounds oh so much more delightful.
Truly takes off her coot. She is dressed in a stunningly beautiful dress... perfect for a picnic at the seaside. The Joggers come passed her running forward. She gets into

CHITTY.
POITS turns the crank to start CHITTY then climbs in.
What an unusual car.

JEREMY
Daddy made it.

JEMIMA
It's called Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

TRULY
That's a curious name for a motorcar.

JEMIMA
But that's the sound it makes .. , listen.
(CHITTY turns to stage left. Truly's bike tracks off stage right)

POTTS
CHITTY BANG BANG CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG

Add JEREMY
CHITTY BANG BANG CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG

Add JEMIMA
CHITTY BANG BANG CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG

ALL
OH! YOU! PRETIY CHITTY BANG BANG
CHITTY CHITIY BANG BANG WE LOVE YOU
AND OUR PRETIY CHITIY BANG BANG
CHITTY CHITIY BANG BANG LOVES US TOO

Joggers rum from DL to DR… “backwards”

HIGH, LOW, ANYWHERE WE GO
ON CHITIY CHITTY WE DEPEND
BANG BANG CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG
OUR FINE FOUR FENDERED FRIEND
BANG BANG CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG
OUR FINE FOUR FENDERED FRIEND

TRULY
YOU'RE SLEEK AS A THOUROUGHBRED
YOUR SEATS ARE A FEATHERBED
YOU TURN EVERYBODY•S HEAD TODAY

POTTS
WE•LL GLIDE ON OUR MOTOR 1RIP
(Tandem tracks SL UJ SR with spies on it)
WITH PRIDE IN OUR OWNERSHIP

ALL
THE ENVY OF ALL WE SURVEY_!
OH!
CHITTY
YOU!
CHITTY
PREITY CHITIY BANG BANG
CHITTY CHITIY BANG BANG WE LOVE YOU
AND
CHITTY
OUR
CHITTY
PREITY CHITIY BANG BANG
CHITTY CHITIY BANG BANG LOVES US TOO

HIGH
CHITIY
COW
CHITIY
ANYWHERE WE GO
ON CHITIY CHITIY WE DEPEND
CHITIY turns facing towards MSL
BANG BANG CHITIY CHITIY BANG BANG
OUR FINE FOUR FENDERED FRIEND
BANG BANG CHITIY CHITIY BANG BANG
OUR FINE FOUR FENDERED
(ALL exit air and set picnic)
CHITIY BANG BANG, CHITIY CHITIY BANG BANG
CHITIY BANG BANG, CHITIY CHITIY BANG BANG
CHITIY BANG BANG, CHI1TY CHITIY BANG BANG
FINE FOUR FENDERED, CHI1TY CHITIY FRIEND!

Picnic blanket is set DSR and all are sat around. Button ... applause
BORAN and GORAN chase after two WOMEN from USR across the bad: of the stage tn DSL special.

BORIS
Oh Baron, yes, the Car is by the sea. Deploy the gunboat.
(Bathing girls exit DSL)

GORAN
No wait...!! Ve arc English, Ve are English gcntly men.. !
BORAN and GORAN follow girls offstage. Ifs now late afternoon and the picnic is finished.

TRULY
Anymore for anymore?

JEREMY
We’re full up. It was a lovely picnic though.

JEMIMA
Really lovely.

JEREMY
Truly scrumptious.
The CHILDREN giggle.

POTTS
Children!

JEREMY
We’re not giggling because it's a silly name, we think Truly is a lovely name.

TRULY
It could be worse. You haven't met my sisters, Madly and Deeply.

POTTS
Seriously?

TRULY
No that's my brother.

#15 - Truly Scrumptious

JEREMY
Well, we think Trully’s a lovely name.

JEMIMA
TOOT SWEETS SOUND LIKE WHAT THEY ARE

JEREMY
SO do LOLLIES IN A LOLLIPOP JAR

JEREMY & JEMIMA
GINGERBREAD MEN HAVE A GINGERBREAD
SOUND WE'VE FOUND

JEMIMA
SUGAR PLUM, CINNAMON AND LEMON TART
TELL YOU WHAT THEY ARE RIGHT FROM THE START

JEREMY & JEMIMA
AND YOUR NAME DOES THE SAME FOR YOU,
BY COINCIDENCE,
TRULY SCRUMPTIOUS
YOU'RE TRULY, 1RULY SCRUMPTIOUS
SCRUMPTIOUS AS A CHERRY-PEACH PARFAIT
WHEN YOU'RE NEAR US
IT'S SO DELICIOUS
HONEST, TRULY, YOU'RE 1HE ANSWER TO OUR WISHES
TRULY SCRUMPTIOUS,
THOUGH WE MAY SEEM PRESUMPTUOUS
NEVER, NEVER, EVER GO AWAY
OUR HEARTS BEAT SO UNRULY
BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU TRULY
HONEST, TRULY, WE Do.
As the song continues, Potts plays with a ball throwing it to Jeremy and Jemima plays drawing pictures in the sand with a stick she has just collected from MSR.

TRULY
TRULY SCRUMPTIOUS
YOU TWO ARE 1RULY SCRUMPTIOUS
SCRUMPTIOUS AS THE BREEZE ACROSS THE BAY
(Potts, Jeremy and Jemima all wave to Truly,)
WHEN YOU'RE SMIUNG, IT'S SO DELIOOUS
SO BEGUILING
YOU'RE THE ANSWER TO MY WISHES

TRULY SCRUMPTIOUS
YOU TWO ARE 1RULY SCRUMPTIOUS
AND I SHAN'T FORGET THIS LOVELY DAY
MY HEART BEATS SO UNRULY
I ALSO LOVE YOU TRULY
Hopscotch,.!
They play hopscotch,

(TRULY)
(To herself as Jeremy and Jemima climb into the car.)
MY HEART BEATS SO UNRULY
(Potts hands her the ball and they look at each other for a moment.)
I ALSO LOVE YOU TRULY
JEREMY & JEMIMA

HONEST, TRULY
(JEREMY and JEMIMA kiss a cheek each)

TRULY
I DO...
Button... applause. Evening is starting to fall...

#15a - Post-Scrumptious

Noticing children asleep, TRULY gets blanket and from SR of the air rovers them with Potts helping from SL of the car.
You know Mr. Potts, you have two wonderful children.

POTTS
I have to agree with you there.

TRULY
(Looking at view and the beauty of the beach she moves DS of the car.)
Isn't it beautiful?

POTTS
(Looking at and subtly referring to TRULY without her realizing and moving dawn towards her.)
Lovely, just lovely.
The sky. s growing darker.

TRULY
Mr. Potts?

POTTS
Caractacus.

TRULY
Caractacus.

POTTS
Ridiculous name.

TRULY
Oh, I rather like it.
A flash of lightning. We hear distant thunder.
Anyway, Caractacus, do you remember I accused you of being a negligent father?

POTTS
I don't think I remember that.

TRULY
Yes you do. Well, I just fed I have to say that...
Another rumble of thunder .
... that I think you arc ... absolutely...

POTTS
... and I have to say ... that you couldn't be more ... completely ...
Another roll of thunder and flash of lights.

TRULY
... Absolutely.
They are now looking into each other eyes. If they were to have their first kiss, this would be the perfect moment. Suddenly an enormous explosion. It’s a thunderclap overhead. Both CHILDREN start upright and scream.

JEREMY
Daddy!

JEMIMA
Aaaah!

POTTS
It's alright children, it's only thunder. You've been asleep.

JEMIMA
What's happening?

TRULY
It's only a little storm.
By now the stage is quite dark.

POTTS
Right, let's get out of here swiftish.

JEREMY
Daddy! Daddy! The tide, it's Come in.
Underscoring change ... tide coming in chromatics.

POTTS
Alright, lei's gel her into reverse.
CHITTY straightens.

JEREMY
Daddy! Daddy! There's water behind us now. You let the tide Come in.

JEMIMA
Why didn’t you notice the storm? what were you doing?

POTTS & TRULY
(Together, a little too loudly)
Nothing.
Another massive explosion. A pyro is set off MSR, very near the car.

TRULY
Thai wasn't thunder.

POTTS
You're right.
By now rain is lashing down . Another explosion. Another pyro MSL.
Nor waS that.

JEREMY
Daddy! Help!

TRULY
Mr. Potts. The water's rising.

JEMIMA
We're going to drown!

POTTS
No we're not.

TRULY
Actually she's got a point.
Another explosion. Centre stage.

POTTS
It's a Cannon. From a ship out there somewhere. Firing at us. I can’t see through the fog.
They are now looking out into the audience. CHITIY•S headlights come on as if on their own accord.
Thank you Chitty. Oh my goodness ... Is that the Vulgarian flag?

#16 - Nautical Reprise

TRULY
What do they want?

JEREMY
It must be Baron Bomburst's men.

JEMIMA
It's the Vegetarians, they're after Chitty.

TRULY
Nonsense.

POTTS
They're right. They'll want us to surrender the Car.

TRULY
I don't believe a word of it.

BORIS
(Offstage, as if on megaphone)
We want you to surrender the car!

POTTS
You see.

TRULY
Oh my God, we're all going to die!

JEREMY
Save us Daddy!

JEMIMA
Save us Chitty!

JEREMY & JEMIMA
Please.
A Pyro explosion.

ALL
Pleeeeease!
The CAR begins to glow and light up as a large inflatable section emerges and surrounds the car like a hovercraft.

TRULY
That's amazing. She's floating.

POTTS
Is she?

TRU LY
A floating car!

POTTS
But of Course. It's alright children, I think we've lost them.
We hear a stentorian blast on a foghorn

TRU LY
I don't think so.
We hear the megaphone again. A search light flashes over the car.

VOICE
In the name of Baron Bomburst of Vulgaria, we charge you yield.

TRU LY
They're still after us.

POTTS
Not on your life boy. Jeremy, Jemima, hold tight!
He puts his foot down and the car seems to be floating on the water, chased by the boot.

JEMIMA
Faster Daddy, faster!

TRU LY
This is amazing. Now I've seen everything.

JEREMY
They won't steal our lovely Car.

TRU LY
It's not a car. It's a miracle!

POTTS
Oh, it's just a little something I cobbled together.

IT'S FAR MORE THAN FABULOUS
IT'S SIMPLY FANTABULOUS
THIS CAR•S AUTOMOTIVELY SUPREME

TRULY
IT KNOW WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO
IT FEELS WHAT WE•RE GOING THROUGH

JEREMY
IT'S MYSTIC!

JEMIMA
IT'S MAGIC!
ALL
A DREAM!

POTTS
It's alright, I think we've shaken them off.
TRULY
Oh really?
A foghorn is heard and flash light roams again.
Come on faster, Chitty, faster.

FAMILY
OH CHITTY! YOU CHITTY, PRETTY CHITTY BANG BANG
CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG WE LOVE YOU
(GUNS FX & LX flash)
AND CHITTY, OUR CHITTY, PRETTY, CHITTY
BANG BANG CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG LOVES US TOO!

TRULY
They're gaining on us.

FAMILY
HIGH CHITTY, LOW CHITTY, ANYWHERE WE GO
ON CHITTY CHITTY WE DEPEND
(GUNS FX & LX FiIlsh)
BANG BANG CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG
OUR FINE FOUR FENDERED FRIEND.
TRULY
We're losing t:hcm.
POTTS
Good girl Chitty.

FAMILY, OFFSTAGE MEN & WOMEN
OH CHITIY YOU CHITIY, PRETTY CHITTY BANG BANG
CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG WE LOVE YOU
AND CHITTY OUR CHITTY PRElTY CHITTY BANG BANG
CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG LOVES US TOO
HIGH CHITTY LOW CHITTY ANYWHERE WE GO
ON CHITTY CHITTY WE DEPEND
BANG BANG CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG

(FAMILY, OFFSTAGE MEN & WOMEN)
OUR FINE FOUR FENDERED FRIEND
Blackout - Vulgarian Front Cloth in

SCENE NINE

# 16a - The War Room

Vulgaria. Music plays the ANTHEM in a minor key. The WAR ROOM inside the Royal Palace. The BARON and SOLDIERS are plotting war games on the large map which has an old fashioned phone on a little shelf at the side.

BARON
Don't you worry you little English people. We're not going to hurt you. The BARON intentionally knacks game pieces on the floor. The BARONESS, who has been cleaning a pistol, accidentally fires at a soldier who falls to the ground DSL.

BARONESS
Oopsey Daisy.
An old-fashioned telephone rings.
Vulgaria. Top secret war room. How can I help you? Oh, it’s Boris.
(handing the phone to Baron)

BARON
Hello Boris?.. what do you mean you lost the car!. .. It what!. ..

BARONESS
What?

BARON
He's saying the car can float! The secret mechanism still exists.

BARONESS
Whee!

BARON
(into phone)
Boris, I want that car! Get me that car! It will be my greatest toy ... What?.. This is a terrible line.
(Baron hits the captain, who hits 1st solider who hits 2nd solider who returns hits.
Baron then listens to BORIS then repeats)
Yes, in the car is Potts,
(Listening repeating ...)
a woman,
(Listening repeating ...)

(BARON)
and two ... chi
(Stops himself)
The room goes silent, all heads turn fearfully to the BARONESS.

BARONESS
Two what?

BARON
What?

BARONESS
Two what?

BARON
Nothing.

BARONESS
You said two chi ... two chi ...

BARON
.... kens. In the Car is Potts, a woman and two chickens.

BARONESS
(taking the phone)
Hello Boris, I'm good. You? Boris, are there two chickens in the car?
(listening, eyeing the BARON)
No? ... then what is there in the car? Potts ... a woman ... and two ... Childr-
The BARONESS screams and faints into the arms of a waiting soldier, then is tossed into the arms of the BARON.

BARON
Call the Childcatcher.

CAPTAIN
Call the Childcatcher.
"CALL THE CHILDCATCHER" echoes off-stage.

BARON
Do not worry my dear. If they Come here, the Childcatchcr will do his work. Call the Childcatcher.
(BARONESS starts crawling around crying wailing to get the Barons attention and sympathy.)

CAPTAIN
Call the Childcatcher.
"CALL THE CHILDCATCHER" echoes off-stage.

BARON
If we can discover the Secret of this car it can be harnessed for the good of our nation, we can take our proper place in the World Once again...

#I6b- Vulgarian Vision

(The BARONESS wails again.)
The streets will be spotless.
(The BARONESS attempts to interject again with a wail).
Just give me a minute here, I'm On a roll. The streets will be spotless. There will be no more power cuts, the trains will run on time, we Can invade smaller neighboring countries for no apparent reason. Yes Vulgaria will be GREAT ONCE MORE

BARONESS
I don't want children..
BARON
No, no, no, no, no, my poodle. The Childcatcher will know what to do. Whenre the hell is he?!
(There is an enormous crash of thunder. The stage goes black fur a moment.)
Oh, you sec, another power cut!
When the lights come back on the CHILDCATCHER is standing beside the BARON, who jumps in fright.
CHILDCATCHER
You called, sire!


#I7-Finale Act One
A massive crash of thunder and a blackout as we move to the next scene.


SCENE TEN
(Potts family and Truly are arriving back at the mill in the car.)

GRANDPA
At last you're back! Wash your hands-it’s teatime and I've made my special chutney.

TRULY
Truly Scrumptious
(Potts, Truly & JJs exit DSR)

GRANDPA
Rather ... I must just take a quiet trip to India
(Grandpa goes into the outhouse)

GRANDPA•S CAPTURE underscoring in... as the spies appear havi
Last Update:July, 05th 2024

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