Kimberly Akimbo: Musical script

Kimberly Akimbo Script - Broadway musical

CHARACTERS
KIMBERLY, a 16-year-old girl, played by a woman in
her 60s or 70s '
BUDDY, a man in his mid-30s, Kimberly's dad
PATTIE, a very pregnant woman in her mid-30s,
Buddy's wife
JEFF, an awkward, unpopular 16-year-old boy
DEBRA, a woman in her early 30s, an ex-con, Partie’s
sister
PLACE
Bogota, New Jersey.
(Pronounced buh-GO-da.)
TIME
The present.
SET
The set, with its multiple locations, should be simple and some-_
what representational, Nothing should stop the flow of the play.
KIMBERLY AKIMBO
ACT ONE
Scene 1
A blast ofcold wind, sounds of winter, wind howling, mitybe
snow on a@ scrim.
Lights come up on a bench outside. An old woman sits, shiv-
ering. She looks at her watch. She wears a hooded parka and
boots. She has ice skates, tied at the laces, slung over her
shoulder. Kimberly is sixteen, but shes played by an actress in
her sixties or seventies. She looks at her watch again.
Far upstage, Buddy, mid-thirties, runs through the snow like
a kid. He spots Kim.
BUDDY. Hey, Kimmy! How crazy is this?! (Jogs down to the
bench.) Can you believe it’s April?! It’s like a Christmas card out
here! It’s pretty though tight?! Maybe tomorrow’'ll be a snow day!
Look at it coming down! You didn’t wanna wait inside?
KIMBERLY. It closed at eight.
BUDDY. The rink closed? (Looks at watch.) What time is ir?
KIMBERLY. Ten-thirty.
BUDDY. Really? (Looks at watch, taps it.)
KIMBERLY. I can’t feel my feet.
BUDDY. I told you to wear extra socks.
KIMBERLY, Where were you?
BUDDY. I got caught up. I'm sorry.
KIMBERLY. You suck.
BUDDY. Hey, don't be like that. You wanna make a snow angel?
KIMBERLY. You said youd pick me up at eight and you didnt
and that sucks.
BUDDY. Now come on. You've got gloves.
KIMBERLY. Two and a half hours. It’s like four degrees out here.
I could've died.
BUDDY. How ya gonna die with that big fluffy parka?
KIMBERLY. The zipper’s busted.
BUDDY. I had some trouble with the car.
KIMBERLY. Yeah, right,
BUDDY. You couldn’t get a ride with someone else?
KIMBERLY. You said youd pick me up.
BUDDY. Did you eat?
KIMBERLY. You said we'd get drive-through.
BUDDY. You must be hungry.
KIMBERLY. Oh, you think maybe? You suck.
BUDDY. Why didn’t you call Pattie?
KIMBERLY. The buttons on the pay phone are frozen,
BUDDY. You should’ve breathed on them. Heated them up.
KIMBERLY. She can’t answer the phone anyway.
BUDDY. Right.
KIMBERLY. Her bandages ate too big.
BUDDY. I know. I’m sorry.
KIMBERLY. Everybody else got picked up.
BUDDY. Youre not getting any warmer sitting there.
oo aa Well, I'd love to move, but my ass is frozen to the
ench.
BUDDY. Let’s go, we'll drive-by the Zippy Burger.
KIMBERLY. I don’t want to.
BUDDY. Come on, Kimberly. You gonna be difficult now?
KIMBERLY. I don’t know. You gonna be concerned now?
BUDDY. Fine, you wanna sit, we'll sit. (He sits.) How was ice
skating?
KIMBERLY. Are you okay to drive? (No response.) Dad? (No
response.) Are you okay to drive?
BUDDY. Yes.
KIMBERLY. Because I know where you were,
BUDDY. If your mom asks, we'll explain about the car trouble.
(The lights change.)
Scene 2
The bench turns inta a car Buddy is driving.
BUDDY. Do mea favor and play it cool. Don’t make trouble with
your mother. She’s very anxious about the baby. *
KIMBERLY. Uh-huh.
BUDDY. She says it’s kicking too much. I explained that’s what
babies do, but you know your mother. I remember you kicked a
lot too,
KIMBERLY, Maybe that’s what she’s anxious about.
BUDDY. No, that has nothing to do with — She's still adjusting.
Getting used to Bogota.
KIMBERLY, Whatever.
BUDDY. Just don't rile her up, cause she'll take it out on me. (The
carpulls intoa Zippy Burger drive-through. Buddy roils down his win-
JEFE. (Over speaker.) Welcome to Zippy Burger. My name is Jeff.
Can I take your order?
BUDDY. Two Cheezy Burgers, two Frenchy Fries and one large
Coke, (Io Kimberly.) Its okay if we share the soda?
KIMBERLY. Fine.
JEFF. (Over the speaker.) Anything else, sir?
BUDDY. No. That's it. (Jo Kimberly) You look a little better.
Color’s coming back into your face. You feel thawed out?
JEFE. (Over the speaker.) Is that Kimberly Levaco? (Buddy looks
from the speaker to Kimberly.) \ can see you in the camera. 1s that
Kimberly Levaco?
BUDDY. Who wants to know?
JEFE. (Over speaker.) Jeff.
BUDDY. (To Kimberly) Do you know a Jeff?
JEFF. (Over speaker) Jeff McCracken.
BUDDY. Do you know a Jeff McCracken?
JEFE (Over speaker.) I'm in her biology class. Are you her father?
BUDDY. Yes I am. Can I help you?
JEFF. (Over speaker.) | have a question to ask her.
BUDDY. (Zé Kimberly) What's this numbnuts want?
JEFE (Over speaker.) I can still hear you, sir.
KIMBERLY. I dont know.
JEFE. (Over speaker.) I just want to ask her something.
BUDDY. Sounds like a jackass.
JEFF. (Over speaker.) Still listening, sir.
BUDDY. Get my Cheezy Burgers,
JEFE. (Over speaker,) You can pull around and pay at the window.
I'll see you there. (Buddy pulls around.)
BUDDY. I'll tell you what. If you don’t upset your mom tonight,
Til take you to Six Flags Great Adventure.
KIMBERLY. Dad, you've been saying that since forever, and we've
never gone, so give it up, "Cause it’s a lame-ass bribe. (Jeff appears
at the drive-through window in a Zippy Burger uniform. He's sixteen,
not the most popular kid.)
JEFF. Hi.
BUDDY. Hello.
JEFR, Thar'll be five sixty-three, please. Hi, Kimberly,
KIMBERLY. Hi.
BUDDY. Do you take food stamps?
KIMBERLY. Dad —
BUDDY. What?
JEFF. I'm sorry, sir, we don't.
BUDDY. (Zo Kimberly) | was kidding. (To Jeff) Gimme a second,
(Gets money together)
KIMBERLY. What were you gonna ask me?
JEFF. It’s about that bio assignment.
KIMBERLY. What about it?
JEFF You know how we have to write a paper about a disease?
KIMBERLY. Yeah.
JEFR. Well; I wanted to know if I could talk to you. About yours.
Your disease. You know, how you look old and everything but real-
8
ly you're not,
BUDDY. (Pays him.) Here, that’s exact change, Gimme the food.
JEFF. Because I thought not too many people would pick that
one. Could I talk to you about it?
BUDDY. Kimberly's busy this week. Pick another disease.
JEFR (Hands food to Buddy.) Oh. Because, I thought I could just
tall to her about it. It wouldn't take long —
BUDDY. Thanks, but no. Have a good night now. (Buddy peels
away. Jeffdisappears.) That kid’s a weirdo. I don’t like him, We'll go
to the B.K, next time. (Looks overat her.) Sorry about that, honey.
KIMBERLY. I don’t care.
BUDDY. What are you gonna write about?
KIMBERLY. Glaucoma.
BUDDY. Oh, that’s a goad one.
KIMBERLY. I guess.
BUDDY. Hey, you know what else? They havea safari at Six Flags
now. A big one, You drive through and all these wild animals shit
on your car. Giraffes and gorillas. All right here in New Jersey. You
wanna do that?
KIMBERLY. Sure.
BUDDY. (Pause.) That boy wasn’t being very sensitive.
KIMBERLY. I said I didn’t care.
BUDDY. Okay. (Pause.) I almost thought he was gonna ask you
out. (Lights crossfade to... )
Scene 3
Lights up on a tape recorder on a kitchen table. Pattie, in her
mid-thirties, sits at the table. She wears a housecoat, slippers
and is very pregnant. Her hands are wrapped in bandages.
Except for the light over the table, the kitchen is dark. Its
late. Pattie looks at the tape recorder.
PATTIE. Okay, here we go. Let’s see. Record. (She tries to press
9
record, but her bandages are too big. She tries again.) Jesus. How am
I supposed to — ? (She tries with her elbow, her knee, her head, her
nose, etc. Trying with her chin:) Ow — I can't — Stupid piece of
crap — (Click. Pattie sits up in disbelief: Its recording. Shes winded
but pleasantly surprised. She leans over and speaks into the recorder
sweetly,) Hello, darling. This is your mother speaking, You're in my
belly right now. And sometimes you kick me. Isn't that precious?
Now listen to me, sweetheart, because people are going to tell you
awful things about me. You mustnt believe them, People lie. They
are hateful cocksuckers. All of them. People spread vicious lies
when their victims aren't around to defend themselves, Remember
that when I’m dead and someone tells you I was a demonic bitch.
You stand up and tell them that I was sweet and funny and you
have the tapes to prove it. It’s always good to have evidence, sweet-
heart. That's why I’m making you this tape. ] wanna make sure
you get your info from the horse’s mouth, because I’m gonna drop
dead any second. (Beat.) On the bright side, I just got my carpal
tunnel operation, so I may be able to use my hands before I die.
We'll see. All those years in Secaucus took their toll. Sixteen years
I worked in the Sunshine Cupcake Factory, pumping cream into
those Ding-Dong knockoffs, Sixteen years of squeezing that god-
damn cream gun. That's one of the reasons we moved away from
Secaucus. Not the main reason, but one of them. (Beat.) I hope |
get to breast-feed. That's my one wish. If I give birth to you and
they let me breast-feed, then I can die happily. I didn't get to do
that with your sister. She was so bad off when she came out that they
took her straight to [-C.U. They say that mother-child bond is so
important, and it starts that very first moment, But she was never
placed on my chest, and I never cooed over her, and she was never
breast-fed, so I think we never had that. The bond thing. (4 door
slams. Buddy and Kimberly enter. Buddy clicks on the kitchen lights and
hangs the car keys on a little hook on the wail of the kitchen. Kim sets
up to start her homework at the table) Where the hell were you?
BUDDY. Car problems. We had to get a jump.
PATTIE. I’m starving. You bring me a Zippy Fish?
BUDDY. Did you want one?
PATTIE. Son of a bitch.
BUDDY. ['m sorry.
10
PATTIE. I've gotta eat, Buddy! I’m pregnant!
BUDDY. | know.
PATTIE. Kim’s in charge of my meals from now on. Okay, Kim?
KIMBERLY. Whatever.
PATTIE. I'll starve if I have to rely on your father one more day,
KIMBERLY. What's with the tape recorder?
PATTIE. I'm creating an oral history for the baby. This kid’s gonna
know me better than any of you. (Beat) Now tell the truth, Kim.
Why were you late?
KIMBERLY. (Pause.) The battery died. We had to get a jump.
PATTIE. From who?
KIMBERLY. Justa guy in a truck.
PATTIE. What kind of truck?
KIMBERLY. A... chicken truck.
PATTIE. A chicken truck?
KIMBERLY. Yeah. It was filled with chickens. '
PATTIE. I 4now what a chicken truck is. Kinda cold to be trans-
porting poultry isn’t it?
KIMBERLY, J don’t know.
PATTIE. Huh. Maybe a chicken truck’ll pull over for me some
day. Maybe chicken-guy will give me a jump when/ die,
BUDDY. You'te not gonna die, Pattie. We were just a litcle late.
PATTIE. You smell like gasoline.
BUDDY. | work at a gas station, honey.
PATTIE. Do you also work in a barroom? Because I smell 2 iittle
bit of that toa.
BUDDY. Pattie —
KIMBERLY. Maybe we could have a real dinner tomorrow. (They
look at her as if shes speaking Greek.) Instead of take-out. A sit-
down dinner.
PATTIE. Is that a dig?
KIMBERLY. No,
PATTIE. You knew I can’t cook meals in this condition.
KIMBERLY. Dad can do it. After work. He'll cook something
healthy. It'll be good for the baby,
PATTIE. Oh. Well, that’s alright then. It’s a nice idea, isn't it,
Bud?
BUDDY. (Beat.) Sure. U could do that.
11
KIMBERLY. A roast maybe. Vegetables. Some cake for dessert.
BUDDY, [ll decide what to cook. Don’t push ir, Kim.
PATTIE. Did I mention I met one of the neighbors today?
BUDDY. (Suddenly on edge.) No, what neighbor?
PATTIE. Relax, Buddy. They're nice people. You need to work on
your social skills. (7a Kimberly) He’s so suspicious about neighbors.
BUDDY. Yeah, I wonder why?
PATTIE, You leaye me alone for hours, I’m gonna talk to people.
I need to do something to occupy my time! For fucksake, Buddy ...
KIMBERLY. Do you guys wanna try an experiment?
BUDDY, What?
PATTIE. Ooo, she’s a mad scientist.
BUDDY, What experiment? For school?
KIMBERLY. No, just for fun, I had an idea. (Goes to a cabinet.)
BUDDY. You're full of ideas tonight, aren't ya? (Kim takes an
empty jar from the cabinet and places it in the middle of the table.)
PATTIE. (Beat) I hope you don’t expect me to piss in that.
KIMBERLY. ‘This family swears too much,
PATTIE. Says who? I don’t swear.
KIMBERLY. You just said piss and fucksake.
PATTIE. Hey! Watch your mouth!
KIMBERLY. I propose that every time one of us swears, we have
to put a nickel in the jar as a punishment.
BUDDY, Like a challenge. That's good. | love a challenge.
PATTIE. Yeah night. You love to run away ftom a challenge, you
mean. (Zurns to Kim and chuckles.) Ya hear that? He loves a challenge.
BUDDY. I married you didn't 2?
PATTIE. You coulda done a lot worse than me, Hell, I’m no chal-
lenge, I'm a straightforward, easy ride. I'm the Kansas of wives.
KIMBERLY. So yes to the jar?
PATTIE. Who gets the money when we're done?
KIMBERLY. The baby. We'll buy a Jolly Jumper.
PATTIE. Well that sounds fair,
KIMBERLY. Dad?
BUDDY. Okay.
KIMBERLY, Alright then. Let's start... now. (The three of them
stare at thejar in silence. After a pause.. )
BUDDY. I don’t understand what we're supposed to do,
12
KIMBERLY, Nothing. Just ... do whatever, but don't swear while
you do it.
BUDDY. Oh. (Kimberly goes back ta her homework.) So what
neighbor did you meet?
PATTIE. Mrs. Gigante.
BUDDY. How'd you meet her?
PATTIE.. I called to her from the window. I said “Howdy, neigh-
ber. What's your name?”
BUDDY. Whatd she say?
PATTIE. She said “Mrs. Gigante.” Whaddaya think she said? Do
you even listen to me? (Turns to Kim.) Is it me? Am J the crazy one?
KIMBERLY. Honestly, it’s a flip of the coin.
PATTIE. What?
KIMBERLY. Nothing.
PATTIE. Don't mumble, Kimmy. I may be going deaf.
BUDDY. Lucky you.
PATTIE. Mrs. Gigante’s daughter, Bonnie,is ina dance recital on
Sunday.
BUDDY. The blonde girl? Isn't she in your class, Kim?
PATTIE, She takes lessons at the Miss Maxie Studio in town.
BUDDY, Remember when Kim did ballet?
PATTIE. Yeah, what a waste of money that was. (Beat.)The tutu
was cute though. Remember the tutu, Kimmy?
KIMBERLY. It chafed.
PATTIE. Mrs. Gigante says if] ever want the baby to take lessons
at the Studio, I need to reserve a spot now because Miss Maxie is
very popular.
KIMBERLY. It could be a boy, you know.
PATTIE. Boys take bailet.
BUDDY. Aw geez, youre gonna make him gay.
PATTIE. Oh shut up, you homophobe. I think you're gay.
BUDDY, I wish I was.
PATTIE. That's very nice. You wish you were gay, you wish you
were deaf, Do you ever wish you were sober?
BUDDY. Eat shit, Pattie.
PATTIE. Oh! That’s a nickel! Ya hear him, Kim? He said shit!
KIMBERLY. So did you,
PATTIE. What? Oh damnit! Wait, does damnit count?
13
KIMBERLY. Yeah.
PATTIE. Fuck. (Catches herself.) Damnit! (Again.) Shit!
BUDDY. Geez, it's like you've got Tourette’s, Pattie. Chill out.
PATTIE. How many nickels was that?
KIMBERLY, One for Dad. Six for you.
BUDDY. Good goin’, We'll have that Jolly Jumper by Thursday.
PATTIE. Put in for me, I don't have any money. (Buddy digs in
his pockets and puts seven nickels in the jar. Suddenly Pattie gets a jolt.
She sits up, worrted.)
BUDDY. What's the matter?
PATTIE, The baby kicked again.
BUDDY, That's okay. You want the baby to kick, Means it’s active
and healthy. It’s a good thing.
PATTIE. Right. Okay. (Beat,) This one’s gonna be perfect, Bud.
I can tell just by people's reactions to me, Do you remember in the
grocery store last week? People would just look at me and smile.
They love to see a pregnant woman. Especially the ladies, Why do
you think they were all smiling?
KIMBERLY, Because you're fatter than they are. (Kimberly gets up,
goes to phone book and looks up a number.)
PATTIE, (To Buddy.) They were smiling because they sense there’s
something special in hete. (Pass her stomach.) Isn't that right, baby?
(Kimberly diats phone number.)
BUDDY, [ll make some pasta. You want some bow-tie pasta?
PATTIE. Alright then, if I can't have a Zippy Fish,
BUDDY. Where my chef's hat? I can’t cook without my hat.
PATTIE, It’s in the cabinet, next to my Thorazine.
KIMBERLY, (Inte the phone.} Hi. Is Jeff McCracken there? ..,
Kimberly Levaco.
BUDDY. I hope you're not calling that bonehead from the burger
joint.
KIMBERLY. I’m on the phone! (Blackous.)
14
Scene 4
Lights up in a library. Kimberly and jeff talk over a table {it-
tered with their school bags, notebooks and pencils.
JEFE.
And
I’m
a
member
of
the Junior
Wordsmiths
of
America,
an
organization
dedicated
to
the
puzzleistic
arts.
KIMBERLY,
Oh.
The
puzzleistic
arts.
JEFE.
Yeah.
You
know, word-play
games.
Palindrome
challenges.
Spoonerisms.
Anagrams
are
my
specialty.
KIMBERLY. Which
one’s
an anagram
again?
JEFE You
scramble
all
the
letters
of
something
to
spell
out
some-
thing
else.
Like
the
letters
in
George Washington
can be
rearranged
to
spell
our Sweet
Groaning Hog.
KIMBERLY.
Huh. You
figured that
out
yourself?
JEFE.
Yes
I
did.
Some come
in
my
monthly
newsletter.
Like
Federal
Government
can
be
rearranged
to
spell
out Large
Fervent
Demon.
KIMBERLY.
Right.
JERE
And
Mother-in-Law
turns
into
Woman
Hitler.
My
dad
loves
that
one.
(Kim
notices
that
Jeff
wears
a
ring
on
a
chain
around
his neck.)
KIMBERLY.
What's
on
that chain?
JEFF. A
ring.
KIMBERLY.
It’s
kinda
girly.
JEFE
It’smy
moms.
KIMBERLY.
She
lets
you wear
it?
JEFE
She
left
it
to
me.
KIMBERLY.
Oh.
(Kimberly
takes
this in.)
JEFE, (Reads
from
his notes.)
So your
disease
is
like
progetia with-
out
the
dwarfism,
the
beaked nose
and
the
receded
chin.
KIMBERLY.
Yeah.
JEFE.
And
your
body
ages
four times
as
fast
as
it
should.
KIMBERLY.
Four and
a
half.
JEFE
Right, so
when you were
four,
you
looked
eighteen.
And
when
you're
twenty
you'll
look
ninety.
15
KIMBERLY. Crazy, right?
JEFE (in books.) And the average life expectancy is sixteen. (Beat.)
{s thar right?
KIMBERLY. Ub-buh.
JEFE How old are you?
KIMBERLY, Can you do my name?
JEFE What?
KIMBERLY. My name. Can you do an anagram of it?
JEFR Oh ... sure. I just wanna make sure I get the chromosome
thing first.
KIMBERLY. Right. Okay, watch. (Draws a diagram.) You inherit an
A or a B chromosome from Dad. And an A or a B from Mom. A’s
are good, B's are bad. If you get two A’s that's great. If you get one A
and one B, you're just a carrier, But if you get two B's, you're screwed.
JEFE You got two B's.
KIMBERLY. Correct.
JEFE. So if your parents ever have a baby there's always a twenty-
five percent chance the kid will have it.
KIMBERLY. Right.
JEFE Guess they aren't gonna try that again.
KIMBERLY. (Beat.) Now can you do it? (He doesnt remember.)
The anagtam of my name.
JEFF Oh right. Yeah. But only if you time me.
KIMBERLY. All right. (Jeffgrabs some paper and a pencil.)
JEFE. (Writing her name down.) Kimberly ... and Levaco is L-E-
V-A-C-O?
KIMBERLY. Yeah. Ready?
JEFE Hold on. (Gets set.) Okay.
KIMBERLY. (Looks at watch.) Go!
JEFR. (Working on the anagram.) One C, right?
KIMBERLY. Yes. (Jeff works on the anagram through most of the
following dialogue, barely looking up at Kim.)
JEFE I like to pull out the K’s first because that’s one of the hard-
est letters to use.
KIMBERLY. Oh yeah?
JEFE Yeah. K’s, J’s and Q's are the hardest. (Pause as he works.) You
know, when I first saw you in the cafeteria, I chought you werea new
lunch lady, Isn't that funny? (No response.) Sorry. Are you sensitive?
16
KIMBERLY. No.
JEFE That’s good. (Pause while he works.) So you glad you moved
to Bogota?
KIMBERLY. It’s okay.
JEFE And it’s not weird for you?
KIMBERLY. Is what not weird for me?
JEFR ‘To be in high school?
KIMBERLY. No. Why would thar be weird?
JEFE I mean ... since the other kids ignore you?
KIMBERLY. I could ask you the same question.
JEFE They don’t ignore me. I wish they ignored me.
KIMBERLY. Oh yeah?
JEFR (Shams down pencil proudly.) Donel
KIMBERLY. Really?
JEFE How fast was I?
KIMBERLY, (Checks watch.) Fifty-six seconds.
JEFE It would’ve been faster but I was carrying ona conversation
at the sate time.
KIMBERLY. Whard you get? .
JEFE. Kimberly Levaco turns into ... Cleverly Akimbo. (Pause.
Shes not impressed.) What's the matter?
KIMBERLY, What's akimbo?
JEFE. It’s ... bent. You know, when your hands are on your hips,
then your arms are akimbo.
KIMBERLY. (Swill mulling it over,) Cleverly akimbo.
JEFE Ics good. You should be happy. 1 did my grandmother's
name and she got Arabian Beard. (Debra, a woman in her early
thirties, approaches suspiciously. Shes somewhat disheveled and rough
around the edges. She carries a garbage bagfilled with her belongings.)
DEBRA. (Whispers) Kim. Hey. (They look over at the strange
woman.) How you doin’, beautiful?
KIMBERLY. I’m fine.
DEBRA. God, I’m glad to see ya,
KIMBERLY. Where have you been?
DEBRA. You went believe it. I was actually in a squat for a cou-
ple months, in Trenton.
KIMBERLY, A squat? What's a squat?
DEBRA, Irs a terrible place, Kim. But the people are nice. And
17
after that, I was living in the woods for a few weeks, but then my
tent caught on fire, so I went back to Secaucus, but you guys
werent there anymore, so I called Aunt Helen, and she wouldnt
let me stay with her, but she told me you all took off to Bogota.
(Ta Jeff) How you doin?
JEFE Good.
DEBRA. And so I came here, but you're not listed in the phone
book, so I figured I'd wait in the library until you came by, And |
knew youd come by because I remembered you like to read so
much. And so I’ve been here for ten days.
KIMBERLY. You've been living in the library?
DEBRA. Yeah, keep ir down though. They’te real strict about the
noise. It's comfortable, I sleep in the pillow room, At closing time
T hide under the pile of beanbag chairs. Haven't been caught yet.
(To Jeff.) What's your name?
JEFE. Jeff McCracken,
DEBRA, Nice to meet you. I’m Debra Waris. You gonna eat thar
cookie?
JEFF. (Looks at his snack.) I guess not.
DEBRA, (Takes it.) You don’t mind, do ya? I haven't eaten in a
couple days. (Takes a bite and looks to Kimberly) 1 missed ya,
kiddo. (Yo Jeff) Kimmy ever mention her Aunt Debra?
JEFE, No.
DEBRA. We're best buds, right Kimber? (Zo Jeff.) If you ever do
anything to hurt her, I will fuck you up big time! (Beat, turns to
Kim.) | think your friend just shit his pants.
KIMBERLY. Debra, come on...
DEBRA. What? I'm sorry. (To Jeff) You know I was just messin’
with your head, right? You're a good kid. You want a handjob? I’m
just kidding. I'm a dyke so I don’t actually do that anymore. Unless
ya got twenty bucks. You're not underage are ya?
JEFE. Yes.
DEBRA. Well the deal’s off then. I’ve spent enough time in jail.
You'll have to pleasure yourself, Dexter.
KIMBERLY, What are you doing?
DEBRA. I’m just playin’ around. What happened, you don't like
my jokes anymore? Wait, this isn’t a date is it?
KIMBERLY. No.
18
DEBRA. Oh good, ’cause this kid’s kinda freaky. (7 jeff) Don't
take offense though. I was a total outcast myself.
JEFE That doesn't surprise me.
DEBRA. Hey, there ya go! Rising to the occasion! (Jo Kim.) He's
a keeper.
KIMBERLY. Could I maybe meet you out front in a few minutes?
DEBRA. Hell no. I gotta go see a guy about something. Hey, how
come you guys didn’t tell me you were moving?
KIMBERLY. You disappeared.
DEBRA. You coulda left a note or something.
KIMBERLY. Dad seemed anxious to leave.
DEBRA. Yeah, me too. I understand. (Suddenly notices someone
nearby.) Shit. (Grabs a book and pretends to read.)
KIMBERLY. What's the matter?
DEBRA. That old lady's been giving me the stink-eye all day.
KIMBERLY, The librarian? .
DEBRA. Yeah, she might be on to me. She caught me giving
myself a splash-bath in the ladies’ room this morning.
KIMBERLY. A what?
DEBRA. You know, just the vitals: the pits, the snatch.
JEFE. Ew.
DEBRA. (Turns on Jeff) Hey kid, you have no idea how hard it is
to be homeless! “
JEFF. Sorry. (With the librarian out ofsight, Debra starts rummag-
ing through her garbage bag.)
DEBRA. Hold on, I got ya somethin’, Kimmy. For your birthday.
KIMBERLY. You did?
DEBRA. Don't sound so surprised,
JEEE When's your birthday?
KIMBERLY, ‘Today.
DEBRA. I found ya just in time.
JEFE Why didn’t you say anything?
DEBRA. (Hands her a badly gifi-wrapped present.) Sweet sixteen
and never been kissed, right?
KIMBERLY. Shur up.
DEBRA. I wrapped it myself.
KIMBERLY. (Unwraps a conch shell.) It's a shell.
JEFE A conch shell.
19
KIMBERLY. What's it do?
DEBRA. You blow in it. See the hole in the end? It’s like a horn.
KIMBERLY. Right.
DEBRA. I got it in Trenton off this crackhead Winnie. She used
to own a horel in Miami Beach.
JERR And now she lives in a squat?
DEBRA. Life takes awful turns, kid. (7é Kim.) That shell came all
the way from Florida.
KIMBERLY. It’s nice. Thank you.
DEBRA. You're welcome. (Beat.) So. Pm gonna need the address.
KIMBERLY. What address?
DEBRA. To the house.
KIMBERLY. Our house?
DEBRA. Come on, Kimmy. Don't play with me.
KIMBERLY. I can't. I'm not supposed to.
DEBRA. Why not? Because of your dad? I’m family. You think he
wants me to sleep on the streets?
KIMBERLY. Probably.
DEBRA. But you dont, You've got heart, right? Which reminds me,
I'm gonna need your help, Kim. Can you help me with something?
KIMBERLY. I don’t know.
DEBRA. It’s something I've been thinking about. Something
good for us both. You'll like it. Maybe we can work your friend in.
JEFE. No thanks.
DEBRA. Gimme the address wouldja? (Kimberly reluctantly writes
it down.) Thanks, gorgeous. Leave the front door unlocked and I'll
talk to ya tonight.
KIMBERLY. Okay.
DEBRA. In the meantime, if anyone asks, you didn’t see me.
(Turns to Jeff.) You neither.
JEFF Alright.
DEBRA. Peace out, y'all. (Debra slips away suddenly. The kids look
after her.)
KIMBERLY. | am so sorry.
JEFE. That's okay, my aunt's a lesbian too,
KIMBERLY. Really?
JEFF. Really. She's not nearly as inappropriate as your aunt though.
KIMBERLY. Yeah, that’s kinda her thing.
20
JEFF. She used to live with you?
KIMBERLY, Yeah, in Secaucus. She slept in our basernent. But
then she did something so we had to move.
JEFE. Whatd she do?
KIMBERLY. I don’t know. They don’t really talk about ir.
JEFE Hub. I have cousins in Secaucus.
KIMBERLY. (Beat.) Oh. You do? (Pause.) You know what? I
should be going. (Starts to gather her stuff together.)
JEFE What's the matter?
KIMBERLY. I have to feed my mom.
JEFE Your mom?
KIMBERLY. She has carpal tunnel. I'll call you though.
JEFF, I'm not gonna say anything. I never even see them, They're
very distant cousins.
KIMBERLY. Well that’s good. I really gotta go though,
JEFE Alright. .
KIMBERLY. I'll see you tomorrow. (Kimberly exits with ‘hep book
bag.)
Scene 5
Lights up on the kitchen table. Its late at night. Pattie is talk-
ing into the tape recorder again. The jar on the table is
already half-filled with nickels. The table is set for dinner.
PATTIE. And one of my best friends was Mr. Hicks. He lived
next door to us in Secaucus. He brought me cabbage from his gar-
den. You would've liked Mr. Hicks. When I wasn’t feeling well,
hed run to the corner and buy my cigarettes for me. He was kind
like that. He'd do whatever you asked him to, (A conch shell blows
loudly offstage.) What in God’s name ... (Again, the conch shell
blows offstage.) Kim, what are you doing?
KIMBERLY. (Of-) I'm blowing my conch shell,
PATTIE. Well cut it out, you'll wake the neighbors! (Zo tape.) I
21
don’t now about you, baby, but I’m so hungry I could chew off my
own atm, (Call off to Kim.) Kim! Me and the baby need some food!
KIMBERLY. (Off) Pll be there in a second!
PATTIE, Where'd you get a conch shell?!
KIMBERLY. (Off) Don Ho. He spoke at our school today.
PATTIE. That is a lie. You better not have stolen that thing.
(Kimberly enters wearing pajamas, Shes been trying on makeup.)
KIMBERLY. [ didn’t steal it.
PATTIE. Make us some cereal.
KIMBERLY. You can't wait for Dad?
PATTIE. It’s ten o'clock. PI get a long white beard waiting for
that no-show. [ don’t know why you bothered setting the table.
KIMBERLY. (Goes to make a bowl of Frosted Flakes.) He said he'd
make dinner.
PATTIE. Yeah well, he-said-he-said. He's said a lot of things over
the years, and ninety percent of it was bullshit.
KIMBERLY. Jar.
PATTIE. Spit.
KIMBERLY. Mom.
PATTIE. I’m sorry. I’m trying, Your dad put some nickels aside.
Pop em in. (Kim tosses a couple nickels in the jar, then looks up at
the clock.)
KIMBERLY. Where do you think he is? (Pours milk over the cereal.)
PATTIE. Oh he’s probably face down in a bowl of peanuts some-
where. (Kimberly sits down with the cereal bowl andfeeds her mother
like one mightfeed a baby.) 1 love Don Ho. Your father used to say
he was gonna take me to Hawaii to meet him. Of course that never
happened.
KIMBERLY. Maybe he'll surprise you someday. You never know.
PATTIE. Yeah you do. Sometimes, Kim, you actually do know.
I'm never seeing Hawaii, (Beat.) Hey, I did that spinning needle
on a string trick. It said I’m. having another girl. Exciting, right?
KIMBERLY. How'd you thread a needle?
PATTIE, It took an hour and a half, but I did it. (nto the tape
recorder.) Persevere in life, baby girl. That’s another good lesson I’m
passing onto you. (Back to Kimberly.) | was just telling your sister
about Mr. Hicks. Remember that nice old man?
KIMBERLY. Dad said he was a pervert who kept stacks of dirty
22
magazines in his basement,
PATTIE. Kimberly, don’t say —! (Hiss stop on tape recorder and
then rewinds.) Now I have to rewind and record over that. You are
not gonna say mean things about Mr. Hicks on my tape. He
brought me cabbage! (Hits record again.) As | was saying ... Do
you remember Mr. Hicks, Kimberly?
KIMBERLY. Vaguely.
PATTIE. Wasn't it funny how he called you The Duchess?
KIMBERLY. It wasn't that funny.
PATTIE. Yes, he called you The Duchess, and me Hiawatha. He was
such a comical little man. (Sounds ofsomeone sneaking in the front.)
KIMBERLY. Is that him?
PATTIE. He better have his shoesin his hand. (Giggles.) Like in
the cartoons, you know?
DEBRA, (Sneaksin.) Anyone home?
PATTIE. Aw hell.
DEBRA. Hey, sista. Ya miss me?
PATTIE. Not at all. Go away, Debra.
DEBRA. Aw come on, you don’t mean it.
PATTIE. Yes I do. Things have been very quiet around here. You
have to leave.
DEBRA. Nice place. Except for that wallpaper. Yikes. It’s like you
livein a giant thermos.
PATTIE. I mean it, Deb, you cannot stay here.
DEBRA. Don’t worry, it won't be for long.
PATTIE. That’s what you said the last time, and you stayed for
six years.
DEBRA. I got a few things out front to bring in.
PATTIE. What things?
DEBRA. I'll keep ’em in the basement with me, relax.
PATTIE. Buddy's head is gonna explode.
DEBRA, Don't even tell him I’m here. I’ll be like a mouse. (Goes
back outfront.)
PATTIE. How'd she even find us?
KIMBERLY. Who knows?
PATTIE. Stay away from her, Kim. Do me that favor. We'lljjust
pretend she doesn’t exist, okay? (Suddenly notices.) Are you wearing
lipstick?
23
KIMBERLY. Yeah.
PATTIE. Why?
KIMBERLY. I was just trying it on. I wanted to see what ird look
PATTIE. And rouge?
KIMBERLY. A lirtle bit.
PATTIE. I dont like it, You look like a made-up corpse. (Debra
enters with large cans ofchemicals, She cvosces to the basement.) What
are those?
DEBRA. They're just chemicals I need.
PATTIE. Chemicals? Why do you need chemicals?
DEBRA. Which way’s the basement?
KIMBERLY. That way.
PATTIE. You better not be building a bomb down there.
DEBRA. (Exiting to basement.) Ym not building a bomb.
PATTIE. (luto the tape recorder.) That's your Aunt Debra, Never
loan her money.
KIMBERLY. (Looks up at the clock again.) Think he'll be home by
midnight?
PATTIE. Why, he gonna turn into a pumpkin? What's with you?
KIMBERLY. (Holds up cereal spoon.) Another bite.
PATTIE. Another bite for the baby girl. (Baby talk.) Da widdle
baby eats it up wid a gweat big spoon and poops in her pants like
a good baby should.
KIMBERLY. Mom?
PATTIE. Yes?
KIMBERLY. Can we just be normal for a few minutes? (Beat)
Can you just ask me how school was or something?
PATTIE. You're such a stick-in-the-mud, ya know it? Criticizing
my mothering skills. (Jato tape recorder.) That buzzkill you hear is
your sister Kimberly. I can’t wait for you to come out and tell her
to lighten up. (Debra crosses from basement.) Remember Kim had
such a sour puss when she was born?
DEBRA. I was incarcerated the last time you gave birth. (Exits)
PATTIE. Oh that’s right. Well she did. We called her Grumpy
Face. (To Kim.) Cute, right? (Offher reaction.) Hey, I know what'll
cheer you up. You wanna name the baby?
KIMBERLY. No, I don’t wanna name the baby.
24
PATTIE. Aw, come on, it'll be fun. You have such a good imagi-
nation. Remember that Don Ho thing you said? That was clever.
Pleeease.
KIMBERLY. God, okay. How about ...
PATTIE. Pick something good.
KIMBERLY. I'm feeling like she’s a ... Carmelita?
PATTIE. (Pleased.) Oh yes. That's a pretty name. I’m gonna have
me a Spanish baby. Little Carmelita. My bonita baby.
KIMBERLY. You like it?
PATTIE. Very much. Thank you. (Debra crosses to basement car-
rying stacks ofglue traps.) Hey, Kim just named the baby!
DEBRA. Did you show her the shell I got for your birthday,
Kimmy? (Pattie looks over to Kim. Silence.) Whatd your mom get
ya? Something lame I'll bet. (OffPatties look.) What?
PATTIE. I forgot.
DEBRA, You forgot her birthday?
PATTIE. Don’t start with me, Debral
DEBRA. You didn’t forget. (Heads into basement.)
PATTIE. I did so! (The phone rings, Pattie and Kim freeze. They look
at each other. The phone continues to ring. Kim goes over and answers it.)
KIMBERLY. (Answers phone.) Hello? ... Uh-huh ... Uh-huh ...
Fine. (Hangs up.)
PATTIE. (Beat.) Car problems? (Kimberly starts putting the dishes
from the table back into the cabinet, She spends much of the follow-
‘ing dialogue quietly clearing the table.) Vm sorry I forgot, honey. I
think the cancer’s spread to my memory cells.
KIMBERLY. You dont have cancer.
PATTIE. Are you a doctor?
KIMBERLY. No Mom, I'm not a doctor.
PATTIE. Then don’t tell me whar I do or don’t have. (Bedi.) I’m
gonna die, Kim. It’s sad, but you need to be prepared. People pass
away, you know. Suddenly they're gone forever. Look at Mr. Hicks.
One day he’s bringing me cabbages from his garden, the next day
he drops dead. (7o Debra who passes from basement to exit house.)
Remember when Mr. Hicks dropped dead, Debra?
DEBRA, Jesus, Pattie, give it a rest, Your mouth is like a lawn
mower.
PATTIE. You'll miss my mouth when I’m dead.
25
DEBRA. I don’t think so. (Exits)
PATTIE. (To Kimberly.) Youll miss me too. Because I'm a fixture
in your life. You'll have to actually remind yourself ’'m gone.
That's how it was when your Nana died. I kept forgetting she was
dead. I'd see a sale at the supermarket and think, “Oh Ma should
get down there for those pork chops.” And then ld remember,
“Oh yeah, she's dead.” You get so used to someone being there, it
takes your body a long time to adjust. (Kimberly continues to clear the
table.) Like when you move a lamp, and you keep going to the same
place to turn it on in the dark, even though you moved it across the
room weeks ago. Or do you remember when Cinnamon died, and
we still kept going to put the table scraps into his dog bowl? We were
just so used to it? That’s how it’s gonna be when I’m gone. You'll
have to keep reminding yourself that I'm not here anymore.
KIMBERLY. Or vice versa.
PATTIE. (Pzuse.) You take that back.
KIMBERLY. Sixteen is just an average, Mom. Just because it’s my
birthday doesn’t mean —
PATTIE. (Stops fer.) I was not talking about you. I was talking
about myself:
KIMBERLY. As always.
PATTIE. [m the one who’s falling apart after all. You're so self-
involved, (Debra enters dragging a mailbox.) What is that?
DEBRA. It’s a mailbox, Partie.
PATTIE. I know it’s 2 mailbox! Jesus Christ!
DEBRA. You wanna help me with this, Kim?
KIMBERLY. Sure. (Kim goes to matlbox.)
PATTIE, You can’t steal mailboxes, That is a federal offense,
(Debra and Kimberly cross to basement with the mailbox.)
DEBRA. How was school?
KIMBERLY. Good. We had a mock debate.
PATTIE. Hey, we decided to ignore Debra, remember Kim?
KIMBERLY. I lobbied for animal rights.
PATTIE. I’m sorry I forgot your birthday.
DEBRA. Did your side win?
KIMBERLY. Yeah. We won. (They've gone to the basement.)
PATTIE. [ll make your father get a cake! Kim, you didn’t wipe my
mouth! .., Kim?! ... Fine! (Wipes ber mouth with ber bandages.)
26
Come back! ll try to be normal! Kim?! (Pause.) You see how they
treat me, Carrnelita? You have the evidence right there. All of it,
caught on tape! (Lights crossfade to... )
Scene 6
Buddy’ car. Hes driving. Kimberly is in the passenger's seat.
Jeffis in the back.
JEFE Thanks for the ride to school, Mr, Levaco.
BUDDY. Uh-huh.
JEFE You really didn’t have to offer.
BUDDY. You were standing in front of my car.
JEFE Yeah, I was just gonna ask Kimberly a couple more ques-
tions before I presented my paper today.
BUDDY. You shouldn't stand in people’s driveways like that.
You're gonna get yourself run over.
JEFF Thanks for the tip, Mr. L.
BUDDY. (Notices Kim.) What's the matter?
KIMBERLY. My back is sore. My shoulders too.
BUDDY. Huh. Those are new. Maybe we can go to the clinic
tomorrow.
JEFF, This is a nice car.
BUDDY. What are you talking about? It’s a total wreck.
JEFF, Yeah but I usually take the bus to school. This is much more
comfortable, No one’s spitting at me.
BUDDY. Irs early yet. (Jeff laughs nervously.)
JEFE Do you have your license yet, Kim?
KIMBERLY. No.
JEFF. I got mine two months ago. But my dad won't let me touch
the car. Says I'm accident-prone. [ think I’m a pretty good driver
though. Want me to take the wheel for a couple blocks, Mr.
Levaco?
BUDDY. No, just keep quiet.
27
JEFE My dad would drive me to school himself but he works the
night shift. He gets home real late and then sleeps in.
KIMBERLY. Yeah my dad gets in real late too sometimes. Last
night it was almost three, wasn't it?
JEFE You work the night shift too, Mr. Levaco?
BUDDY. No, I don’t.
KIMBERLY. Musta been hard getting up this morning.
BUDDY. I managed.
JEFF. You know, if you rearrange all the letters in snooze alarms,
you come up with Alas, No More Z’s.
BUDDY. Huh. That’s weird.
JEFE Where do you worl, Mr. Levaco?
BUDDY. The Chevron Station on Palisades Ave. (Jeff writes some-
thing in his notebook.)
JEFE Are you the guy in the booth?
BUDDY. Yeah, P'm the guy in the booth.
JEFE My dad works in a booth too. He collects tolls on the turn-
ike.
BUDDY. That's a lousy job. Breathing in those fumes all day.
JEFF He likes it.
KIMBERLY. (Under ber breath.) “Oh sure I can cook dinner.
That's a great idea.”
BUDDY. What?
KIMBERLY. Forget it.
BUDDY. If you have something to say, Kim —
KIMBERLY. I don't. Just go faster. You drive like an old man.
BUDDY. (7o Jeff) Kimss upset because | went out fora few beers
after work instead of making dinner.
KIMBERLY. Dad, shut up.
BUDDY. She thinks I should stay home and smoke pipes and
wear sweaters.
KIMBERLY. That’s not what I think.
BUDDY. Then why are you being ail pissy?
KIMBERLY. I'm not. Drop it.
BUDDY. Dont worry about what time I get in. I’m the grown-
up, not you. So mind your own business.
KIMBERLY. I didn’t even say anything.
BUDDY. Yeah, you kinda did actually. Are you showing off for
28
your boyfriend?
KIMBERLY. Dad —
BUDDY. Kir — (Beaz.) Just cut it out.
JEFF. (Looking up from his notebook.) Oh No, Vast Cretin. (Buddy
and Kimberly look at him blankly.) Chevron Station. Its anagram.
‘Oh No, Vast Cretin,
BUDDY. Alright, enough with the jumbles.
JEFE Sorry. Once you start, it’s hard to stop. It’s like heroin.
BUDDY. Heroin?
JEFE. A.K.A. smack, brown, junk, “H.” My older brother's in re-
‘hab. He crashed my dad’s moped.
‘BUDDY. (To Kim.) You finish that glaucoma paper?
"KIMBERLY. Yes.
‘JEFE You know, Bonnie Gigante picked glaucoma too.
KIMBERLY. So?
JEFE. I'm just saying.
‘BUDDY. Hey, can you get us free burgers?
JEFE Free burgers?
BUDDY. Yeah. Since you work at Zippy Burger? Seeing as 1 gave
you a ride?
JEFE Oh... 1... Pm not really allowed to do that.
BUDDY. You can’ slip us a yanilla shake on the sly?
JEFF Well, they count the cups, so ... Theyd know one was
‘BUDDY. Oh, I see howit is, Okay then.
JEFE Hey Kimberly, you ever play Dungeons & Dragons?
‘KIMBERLY. No.
JEFF Do you wanna though? I could be the Dungeon Master.
KIMBERLY, It’s a game?
JEFE Yeah, you go on an adventure and you could be like anElvin
Cleric
ora
Paladin or
something.
Wanna
see
my
dice?
(Holds
up
velvet
pouch.)
KIMBERLY.
Sure.
(Kimberly
takes
the
bag
and
looks
at the
multi-
colored
dice
inside.)
JEFE
They're
for rolling hit
point
damage and
stuff,
like
if
youget
attacked
by
a
hobgoblin.
BUDDY.
That
game’s for devil
worshippers. You're
not roping her
into that shit.
a
JEFE What? It’s not for devil worshippers.
BUDDY. You ge to graveyards and sacrifice cats and whatnot. I’ve
seen it on the news. It makes kids crazy, and they kill themselves.
JEFF. You've got it mixed up with something else, Mr. Levaco.
‘This is just a fantasy roleplaying game.
BUDDY. Try those Pop-O-Matic games instead. Good clean fun,
KIMBERLY. 'Uhese dice are so cool.
JEFE You wanna play?
BUDDY. She's not playing.
KIMBERLY, (Holds up a die.) Look at this dice, Dad,
JEFE The singular of dice is die. It’s a die.
KIMBERLY. Look at this die, Dad.
JEFE. It’s twelve-sided.
BUDDY. See, it’s like a pentagram or something.
KIMBERLY. It’s just a die.
JEFF. You could play D&D too, Mr. Levaco.
BUDDY. No. No one is playing D&D! (Pause.) Pm sorty to yell,
Jeff, but I feel strongly about this issue.
JEFE Nota problem. My dad yells too. So does my brother when
he needs more methadone. So I've gotten used to yelling.
BUDDY. Good for you.
JEFF, (Beat.) 1 do get a discount.
BUDDY. A discount?
JEFE, At the Zippy Burger. So, if you wanted that, I could prob-
ably say I was buying the food for myself.
BUDDY. Well now your're talkin’. Maybe I’ll take you up on that
offer.
JEFE Ifyou do, can [ have a ride tomorrow too?
BUDDY. I don’t see why not. So long as you keep quiet.
Discounted burgers. I bet they taste better when you're not paying
full price. Right, Kim?
KIMBERLY. You missed my birthday.
BUDDY. (Beat.) I know. | talked ta your mother, Pm getting a
cake over at Lambert's tonight.
KIMBERLY. (Seat.) That's it?
BUDDY. Whaddaya want me to say? This stuff happens. I don’t
think my old man ever remembered my birthday.
KIMBERLY. How comforting.
30
BUDDY. I'm sorry, honey. But you know how crazy it’s been with
‘the move and the new job and the baby and everything.
KIMBERLY. (Peeved.) Uh-huh.
“BUDDY. Oh for Godsakes you're gettin’ your freakin’ cake, now
“cut me some slack! (Beat.) Between you and your mother..
JEFF (After a pause.) So, did you work at a gas station in Secaucus
“too, Mr. Levaca?
‘BUDDY. What?
‘JEFF When you livedin Secaucus? Was there a Chevron there too?
‘BUDDY. Who said we livedin Secaucus?
JEFE Kimberly did. (Buddy shoots her a look.)
KIMBERLY. Ie just came up.
“BUDDY.
Right,
it
just
came
up.
KIMBERLY.
|
didn’t
say anything.
I
just
said
we
lived
there.
JEFF
Don’t
worry, she
didn't
give
away any
family
secrets,
Mr.
-Levaco.
BUDDY.
What
are
you
talking
about?
“JEFF.
Nothing.
“BUDDY.
We
dont
have
any
family
secrets.
‘JEFE.
I
didnt
say
you
did.
“BUDDY.
What'd
you
say
to
him?
-BUDDY.
Are you
punishing
me?
KIMBERLY.
Na,
Dad
—
-BUDDY.
Whar'd
I
say
abour
talking
to
people?
JEFE,
We
had
to
talk,
for
my
paper.
BUDDY. And I thoughe I told you Kim was busy?
JEFE You did but then —
“BUDDY, I thought I told you to pick another disease?
‘JEFE Kimberly called me,
“BUDDY. No ene needs to know my family business.
JEFF. I didn’t ask about the family,it was just —
-BUDDY, 1m gonna tell you something, Jeff, because 1 was a boy
and I was sixteen once, and I know what's going on here.
‘KIMBERLY. Dad, cut it out.
BUDDY, You are not gonna get all chatty with Kim and start feel-
“ing her tits.
“KIMBERLY. Oh my God.
3]
JEFE Mr. Levaco —! 'JEFR. Yes. That’s whyI take anxiety medication, (Kémberly enters.)
BUDDY. I know how the hormones work. DEBRA. You'te late. And I thought I told you to fill the kid in?
KIMBERLY. Shut wp. KIMBERLY. (Surprisedto see jeff) Oh. Actually ...
BUDDY. I know what this discount burger business is about. DEBRA. Why is it always up to me to be the responsible one?
JEFE Ijust wanted a ride to school. ‘Motions Kim to a chair.) Sit. 1 got some stuffin the Xerox
BUDDY. I knew how to warm up the dads. I knew how to make achine. Don't move until I get back. Neither of ya. (Exits.)
conversation and be the nice kid. : BERLY. You should probably escape while you can.
JEFE. That’s not what I’m doing. EFE That's okay. She'll just catch me and drag me back here.
BUDDY. But I was bright enough to talk about baseball and not They sit in silence. After an awkward pause... ) 1 liked your glau-
some Satanic roleplaying game! a paper by the way. It was way better than Bonnie Gigante’s.
JEFF. It’s not Satanic, BERLY. You think?
BUDDY. I knew the right way to get into a girl’s pants. FE Yeah, you had that eyeball diagram and everything. It was
JEFF I’m not getting into anyone's pants. sry thorough.
BUDDY. You've got that right, Jeffrey! Now not another wernt {BERLY. Thanks,
about Secaucus! No Secaucus, no D&D and no tit-touching! IT E (Another pause.) So, ate you like ,., mad at me?
mean it! IMBERLY. No, "
KIMBERLY. I hate you, I hope you drink yourself sick and crust
this fucking car! I hope you swerve off a cliff and this shit-box
explodes and you die, you motherfucker! (Silence.)
JEFE (Looking out the window.) Oh look. We're here. (Blackout, )
FE About my paper?
ABERLY. No, it was good.
F, Because you looked weird after I read it in class.
ABERLY. No, it was.a good paper.
E. Then how come you ate lunch by yourself?
IMBERLY. I was just reading.
E. I thought you were mad at me.
ABERLY. I wasn’t. I just...I thought you were dete sO
SFE Done? With lunch?
IMBERLY. With the paper. Since you were done writing it, I
Scene 7
Lights up in the library. Debra hustles Jeff into the room. ght ...
E You thought I wouldn't have lunch with you?
{BERLY. I don't know.
F, I thought you were mad about the paper, or your dad or
BERLY, My dad?
E Or embarrassed, Since he told me not to touch you and kiss
DEBRA. Kim didnt tell you about the meeting?
JEFE No. And really, I dont think I should be attending any
meetings with you people.
DEBRA. Oh yeah? Why’s that?
JEFE. Because Mr. Levaco got mad at me this morning and I don’t
even know what I did. But the main thing he said was I shouldn't KIMBERLY. Oh, no I wasnt — I don't really wanna alk about that.
know too much about his family, so I think I shouldjust stay away.
DEBRA. You know what your problem is? You worry too much.
Anyone ever tell you that?
32 33
JEFE 1 knew it’s his job to be protective and everything, but you
might want to do something that he chinks you don’t want to do.
So if you wanted to like be kissed or whatever, then I would do it.
(Beat.) As a friend, you know? (Silence.) Like if you just wanted
someone to practice on. (Beat.) But not if you didn’t want to, obvi-
ously. I’m just saying. I’m not aftaid of your dad. I mean I am, but
[I’m assuming you wouldn't tell him, so in that case I wouldn't be.
Afraid of him, | mean. (Kimberly is too overwhelmed to speak. She
has a giddy, mortified, thrilled expression on ber face.) Ave you mad?
KIMBERLY. No.
JEFF, Because that’s not why I’ve been hanging out with you or
anything. I wasn't even thinking about it until your dad brought
it up. So ... L don’t know. I guess ... if you ever want to, just let
me know.
KIMBERLY, Okay.
JEFF. (Beat.) Okay, you'll let me know? Or okay, right now?
KIMBERLY. Okay, Pll let you know.
JEFF Okay.
KIMBERLY, It’s just ... She's gonna come back, so ..
JERE Ob right. I see. Cool. (Debra reenters with checks and Xeroxes.)
DEBRA. All set. Now listen up, because the plan's genius. You :
know what check-washing is?
JEFE. This is the sort of thing I chink Mr. Levaco was talking about.
1 really shouldr’t get involved with any kind of check-washing plans,
KIMBERLY. He doesn’t wanna de it.
DEBRA. Just hear me out. It’s the end of month, right? So every-.
one’s paying bills, popping ’em in the mail. Gas, cable, whatever.
So last night, I unbolted the mailbox outside Krapp’s Liquor Store
and dragged it heme.
JEFE You stole a mailbox?
DEBRA. Cool, right? And then Kim and J got these glue traps,
you know, for mice ...
KIMBERLY, (Yo jeff.) I just helped a little.
DEBRA. And we tied strings through them and lowered them|
into the mailbox, you know, like we were fishing, and we pulled
up all these envelopes. And guess what was inside most of ’em.
JEFR Checks?
DEBRA. Exactly, Checks I just Xeroxed on that machine over there
34
wiki a roll of climes I stole out of ol’ Stink-cye’s purse. (Poizts,)
“JEFE I'm getting acid-stomach,
DEBRA. Andin our basementis a solution I made with a recipe
‘J got off the Internet. [ct said | mix this amount of Clorox witha
splash of so and so, and when I drop the checksinto the solution,
uess what's gonna happen?
JEFE The ink will come off?
DEBRA. Right! Whatever people wrote in will magically disap-
‘pear; and Pll have a stack of blank checks. And since I Xeroxed the
“checks before I washed them ..
JEFR You still have the signatures.
“DEBRA. And I've always been a first class forger. Did two years
‘in. the Georgia Pen thanks to my outstanding forgeries.
‘KIMBERLY. She has this plan to rewrite all the checks.
‘DEBRA. And they'll look totally believable.
SIMBERLY. But she wants to make them out to you.
7F To me?
“KIMB ERLY. I told her you probably didn’t wanna do it.
JEFR. Why would the checks be made out to me?
JEBRA. You have a bank account, don't you?
‘JEFE. Yeah at First National but there’s only forty bucksin it.
‘DEBRA. Right now there’s forty bucks, but how about we fill that
puppy up?
‘KIMBERLY. She said we'd get a cut of the money,
DEBRA. I give you the new checks tomorrow, you go in with
‘Kimberly, Kim pretends to be your grandmother —
KIMBERLY. I haven't agreed to all this, It’s still hypothetical.
DEBRA. She says, “Thisis my grandson and he'sjust had a birth-
day and he'd like to cash some of his birthday checks,” And they
make sure you have an account, which you do, and they hand you
‘all the cash, They won't even blink, Grandmother, little kid. Piece
‘of cake, I take my half of the dough and hop a bus te Miami. My
friend Winnie the crackhead says it’s patadise down there.
JEFE Can't we get in trouble?
‘DEBRA. No, you're kids. You can’t get into trouble.
JEFF. But my brother was in a Juvenile Detention Center and —
‘DEBRA. Look, thisis very safe.
JEFE I can’t doit. My dad’d kill me,
35
DEBRA. Ya buy him a tie.
JEFE He doesn’t wear ties.
DEBRA. Some tube socks then, Whatever he needs, you buy it.
He'll love ya for it.
JEPE. (Considering it.) He does need a new moped.
DEBRA. There ya go, a moped then!
KIMBERLY. I don’t know, Aunt Debra.
DEBRA. Don't go backing out on me, Kim, He's starting to come
‘round. And you promised.
KIMBERLY. | said maybe.
DEBRA. (To Jeff) See what you're doing?! You're scaring Kim! Tell
her it’s a good idea!
JEFE Well Pil do ic if she wants me to, but I don’t think she does,
KIMBERLY. He's right, | don't. Is too much.
DEBRA. It’s not too much! You owe me this! Who brought you
to that bowling alley all those times? And the roller rink?! I did for
you, now you do for me. That’s how life works!
KIMBERLY. I know, but —
DEBRA. I've had it rough, Kim, you know that. You're gonna
begrudge me a bus ticket? Because that’s all I need. And I'll be
good once I’m there,I promise. J’ll start a new life. I'll get a
straight job on the beach, selling slushies or something.
KIMBERLY, You can get a job Aere and earn a little money, go to
Miami later.
DEBRA. I don't have time for later! My whole life has been later!
I'm gonna get some crap job at Wal-Mart and wair for things to
get good? While years go by, and [ get fat, and never get to Miami?
‘That ain’t me, Kimmy. I’m sorry.
KIMBERLY. It wouldn't be years.
DEBRA, Yes it would! For me, it would. I get trapped.
KIMBERLY. You get arrested, it's not the same thing.
DEBRA, | don’t wanna wait anymore. I'm not a kid. I know what
life does now, It flies right by ya. And the good things go with it.
They don’t stop to land in your lap. You gotta grb the good stuff,
otherwise it’s gone, And when it’s gone, it dont come back, believe
me. (Beat.) Come on, Kimmy. Help me out. Please.
KIMBERLY. (Pazse.) Okay. (Turns to Jeff) 1 think we should do
it. (The lights change.)
36
Scene 8
In the dark, sounds ofBuddy sneaking into the house, drunk.
He knocks stuff over.
BUDDY. Shit ... oopsy ... another nickel. (Giggles. Lights come
up on him at Kims bedroom door with a cake box and a shopping bag.
jA im pretends to be asleep in her bed. Buddy whispers.) Kim? ... pssst
. Kim honey ... (Edges into her room.) You awake?
KIMBERLY. No.
BUDDY. Kim... (Sits on the edge ofKim's bed.) I'm sorry, sweet-
‘ie. (Pazuse.) Kim.
‘KIMBERLY. What?
BUDDY. I’m sorry. (Holds up box.) T got your cake. Ids a little
‘smooshed on the side. But I betit still tastes good.
KIMBERLY. Dad, go to bed.
‘BUDDY. (Holds up bag.) Plus 1 brought a present.
—— You're drunk. (Buddy pulls a Trouble game from the
BUDDY. It’s a board game. Wanna play?
‘KIMBERLY. No.
‘BUDDY. It’s the game of Trouble. It’s a Pop-O-Matic game.
KIMBERLY, Dad —
BUDDY. Come on, Kimmy, Get up and play Trouble. (Starts set-
ing. up the game board on the floor) Your mom and I used to play
this when we first got married, It’s a good game.
KIMBERLY. I’m tired.
BUDDY. Youre always tired. Now come sit here and help me set
up. (Kimberly moves to the floor and helps him set up the Trouble
board. Debra appears in the doorway. She clicks on the light.)
DEBRA. Oh thank Christ, I thought the Feds found my mailbox.
BUDDY. (Beat) Whatis this?
DEBRA. How ya doin’, Buddy?
BUDDY. Whar are you doing here?
37
DEBRA. You look good, Ya been workin’ out?
BUDDY. Look, I don’t know how you found us —
DEBRA. It was a challenge.
BUDDY. You gotta leave, I’m not kidding, Debra.
DEBRA. Now dont have a conniption.
BUDDY. And what the hell did you do to — You know what? I
don’t even wanna know. Just get out of here. You're gonna get us
thrown in the pakey.
DEBRA. Pattie said I could stay, Didn't she, Kim?
BUDDY. Well Pattie’s nor paying the rent, now screw.
DEBRA. (Suddenly notices.) Ooo, a Pop-O-Matic game. Can I play?
BUDDY. Shhh, you'll wake her up!
KIMBERLY. (Referring to Trouble game.) Vm the blue guys. What
are you, Dad?
BUDDY. (76 Debra.) You owe me a sterco by the way.
DEBRA, Kim, you should be asleep, We have a big day tomorrow.
BUDDY, What big day?
DEBRA. Hey, what's that? Cake? About time.
BUDDY. Okay, get out, Debra. I’m serious,
DEBRA. Ilove cake, Pll get the forks. (Rushes off.)
BUDDY. Why do I bother? I’m like the guy on the hill pushin’ -
the rock.
KIMBERLY. Was he drunk too?
BUDDY. Hey, that’s not ...
(Beat.) Besides ... Tonight was my last hurrah.
KIMBERLY. Oh yeah?
BUDDY. Yeah. | was thinking ...
daughter to say.” So if you want me to stop, I promise to stop.
KIMBERLY, Uh-huh.
BUDDY. Have | ever promised before?
KIMBERLY. No.
BUDDY. All right then, See? How about Saturday we go to Six
Flags Safari?
KIMBERLY. Okay. (Debra comes back in with forks, plates and a ‘
knife.)
DEBRA. ‘This reminds me of the old days. My dad staggering in
38
You shouldn't say things like that.
you know, about how you ~
wished I would die. Remember you said that, about the car .
exploding? And I thought, “Well, that can’t be a good thing for.a ©
Joaded, waking me up co play Parcheesi over a slice of cake. I'm
sgreen. I’m always green in these games, (Debra cuts into the cake.)
‘BUDDY. Debra, we didn’t even sing. (Pattie appears in a night-
gown.)
DEBRA. Uh-oh.
PATTIE. (Looks up at the clock.) What time is it?
‘BUDDY. Oh. Hi, honey, Did we wake you?
PATTIE. You're playing a game?
‘BUDDY. I knowit’s late but —
PATTIE. How come no one asked me to play? (No resporse.) 1 like
games too, you know.
‘KIMBERLY. You wanna play, Mom?
PATTIE. (2ause.) May I be yellow?
KIMBERLY. BUDDY.
“Yeah, surc. No one’s Have a seat right
med yellow yet. here next to our kick, Like when
guest of honor. we were kids.
ATTIE, (Joins them.) Oh, and you got the cake.
BRA. Ics lopsided.
DDY. J hit a pothole.
TMBERLY. You want a picce?
ATTIE. I better noc. My diabetes,
BRA, What diabetes?
BUDDY. Debra showed up again.
PATTIE. I know. She's like a bad rash.
BUDDY. I bought you a gift. Look, an electric toothbrush. (Pulls
electric toothbrush from bag.) | thought this might be easier to
manage. Better than the regular toothbrush. Since you have the
bandages.
DEBRA, You know what we need? Music. (Debra gets up to put
on the radio. Kimberly and Buddy eat their cake.)
PATTIE, Thank you for the toothbrush, Buddy.
BUDDY. [ also got something for the baby. I just gotta plugit in.
PATTIE. Isn’t that sweet?
DEBRA. How come I didn’t get a gift? You got everybody some-
thing-exeept me?
BUDDY. You got my stereo. Thar’s gift enough. (Debra tunes in
to a zippy swing ene song.)
DEBRA,
One more ass to
39
DEBRA. How's chat for music?
PATTIE. No, that’s too old.
KIMBERLY. [like it. Keep it on, Aunt (Debra.
DEBRA. (fe Partie.) Kim and 1 have the same taste in music,
(Pattee suecrs at Debra, Buddy has taken a small light-tox out of the
bag. He goes io plug it in.)
PAVTIE. (frying to be normal.) How was school, Kim?
KIMBERLY. (Confissed.) What?
PATTIE. How was school?
KIMBERLY. Fine. (Paps the Trouble bubble.) .
DEBRA. (Returning to game.) You need a six to get out of Home
Base. (Pops Trouble babble.) Damn. Four. Your turn, Pattie.
PATTIE. Whatd you de at school?
KIMBERLY. We had a discussion about the Holocaust. (Paiste
cant pop the Pop-O-Matic bubble with her bandaged hands, so she
leans over and tries to push it with her chin.)
PATTIE. (Struggling with pepper.) Oh, the Holocaust. That
sounds very interesting. You know, some people say it didn't actu-
ally happen.
DEBRA. What people say che Holocaust didn't happen?
PATTIE. Just some people I know. Mind your own business,
Debra. (She presses the bubble.) Six! im out. Move my man, Kim.
I go again. (Pattze leans over and tries to press the Pop-O-Matic bub-
ble again.) \sn't this nice? Playing games, chatting about the
Holocaust. (Pops the popper.) Two! Move me two! (Buddy turns off
the overhead light and clicks on the babys light-box, Colorful animals
are projected onto the walls, spinning around the room.) at
BUDDY. How about thar, huh?
PATTIE. Oh, isn’t that the cutest thing?
BUDDY. They're animals.
DEBRA. Qh yeah,
PATTIE. Carmelita’s gonna love it.
BUDDY. Who's Carmelica?
PATTIE. Our baby, Kimberly named her.
DEBRA. It’s your roll, Buddy. You're red.
KIMBERLY. I almost suggested Tashanda.
PATTIE. Ooo! That can be her widdfe name! Carmelita ’lashanda
Levace!
40
DEBRA. Whac the hell kinda name is thac?
BUDDY. (Pops the popper.) | cov a three.
“KIMBERLY. (Paps the popper.) I got a five.
BUDDY. (Pulls Kimberly to ber feet.) You know how to swing
dance, honey?
KIMBERLY. | don’t know.
PATTIE. Hey, | thought we were playing this game?
BUDDY. We're taking a dance break,
DEBRA. (Pops the popper.) You know, they have all sorts of dance
_clubs in Miami.
PATTIE. Miami? What do you know about Miami?
“DEBRA. I know they have dance clubs and palm trees, and it’s a
lot nicer than New Jersey. (Buddy and Kimberly kind of dance to the
swing music, but not very well. The anima spin around on the walls)
BUDDY. (Dancing with Kim.) Remember we would dance like
this, Pattie?
PATTIE. No do not, é
BUDDY. At Kukla’s Underage Club? When I was couttin’ ya?
KIMBERLY. I didn’t know you were courted, Mom,
PATTIE. (Paps popper) I got another six. Move my guy out.
(Debra maves Patties piece. Pattie pops the popper again. Buddy and
Kimberly dance.) Now four. Move the other guy. (Debra does. )
KIMBERLY. Were you ever courted, Aunt Debra?
DEBRA. Yeah, in a different way I was.
PATTIE. (Watches Buddy.) He's such a ham. Remember he played
The Music Man in high school?
DEBRA: He was good.
PATTIE. Yeah. | always thought he was gonna be somebody.
BUDDY. Did I mention a Catholic school kid popped by my
booth today? She sold me five raffle tickets, Grand prize is a fam-
ily trip to the Alamo.
PATTIE. The Alamo? She didn't have any tickets to Hawaii?
DEBRA. I'm popping for you, Bud. (She does.) You got a two.
Now you Kim. (She pops.) You got a four.
BUDDY. You know, Davy Crockett fought at the Alamo.
KIMBERLY. Remember when Dad was Dayy Crockert for
Halloween?
PATTIE. Yeah, he went trick-or-treating thtee sheets to the wind
4]
and took a header off the Dooleys’ poarch.
BUDDY. Never did find that coonskin cap.
DEBRA. | missed this. Living under a roof like this, When I was
in the woods, J could hear the coyotes sniffing at the flap of my
tent. That was some scary shit.
PATTIE. Buddy, go get my tape recorder. [ wane the baby to
linow how much fun her family had.
DEBRA, Leave them alone. They're dancing, (Pops the popper.) |
got a six! (Pops again.) Another six! (Pops agaiz.} And a one! And
you're our, Pattie. (Lands on Patties piece, sends it home.)
PATTIE. You bitch,
DEBRA. Am [in Trouble?
PATTIE. Damn straight you're in trouble, you whore.
DEBRA. Now-now. (Atmbertys face suddenty drops. Shes breathing
hard. She stops dancing.)
BUDDY. Are you okay honey?
PATTIE. Of course she is. We're having a good time here, (Kim
iy wincing in pain.)
BUDDY, Kim?
KIMBERLY. Oww. Dad — (Kao grabs her chest in pain)
BUDDY. What's the matter?
PATTIE. You see, you had to get her worked up.
DEBRA. Is it your chest, honey? (Kimberly nods and slips to the floor.)
BUDDY. Hold on, sweetie.
PATTIE. What's the matter with her?
BUDDY. Debra, call an ambulance.
KIMBERLY, Mom ... (The colorful animals spin around the room.
The music blaves. Blackout.)
42
ACT TWO
Scene |
Lights up on Buddy with the tape recorder He's somewhere
outside. Its snowing,
BUDDY.
And
the
thing
is,
|
don’t
think
I'm
very
good
with
kids,
Tmean |] fhe kids, I just never pictured myself asa farher, I’m more
ofa bachelor uncle type, you know? Whichisn’t co say 1 regret any-
thing. T love Kim, and I'm happy you're coming bur... when
youre young you imagine doin’ a bunch of different things. Just
. CLAZy, aseeadlisis stuff but... And then when Pattie got preg:
rant with Kim, ic was like, “Oh, okay, L guess | do 2his chen.”
“Which was fine. Made things easier in some ways, you know, to
not haveany. . choices I guess. | mean, most guys in the world
are just guys vio go to work, right? Guys with kids, So chere’s no
shamein that, Just being a regular person. (Beat.) Although I
would still like to travel someday. That’s samething Fd like to do.
I'll see. these countries on ‘['V and think, “Wow, that’s a weird
"place. Vd like to see chatin person maybe,” Like Pamplona, ‘That's
in Spain, and che bulls run through the streets chasing everybody,
‘and the guys scramble up the sides of buildings andjump in door-
ways and some people get eatet Tt looks Fun. Vd like thar. But you
need money to sec things, so... (Pawse.) Your mom and | spent a
few days on the Jersey “Shore.once. Right after we got married,
Well not right after, but when we saved enough, hat was nice,
And you know what's funny? When we decided to leave Secaucus,
Iwas like, “Alright, we're finally going somewhere.” But then we
‘came
ito
Bogota,
Which
isn’t
really
the
someplace
I
had
in
mind
but...
What
are
ya
gonna
do?
(Beat,)
Those Alamo
raffle
tickets
didn’t
work
out
either.
It
was
in
the paper,
Some
retired
gardener
43
won. Like fe needed a vacation. (Beat) See the world, Carmelita.
That’s my advice to you. (Beat.) Pattie’s gonna be ‘aad fTm using
her tape recorder but ... I got nothin’ else to do. Haven't had a
drink in eight days.| promised Kim. See that? Um a good guy. I
don’t know what Pattie’s been saying on these things bat Pra
tellin’ you straight. Pm a good guy. (Crossfade to...)
Scene 2
Lights up in Kimberbys bedroom. Kim is in her bed. Her harr
has turned a shock ofwhite. Shes recovering. Pattie, Debra and
Jeff ave all here playing Dungeons & Dragons with Kim. Jeff,
the Dungeon Master, bas a module screen propped up infront
of him. Bebind the sereen, he rolls a multitude of dice, reads
from a module and refers to maps, The others all have charac-
ter sheets that they refer to during the game, which ts heated and
energetic. There ave a couple D & D books hying around. Patties
hands ave still bandaged. Also, ane ofher legsis now in a cast.
JEFE ‘The passageway divides east or west.
KIMBERLY West.
JEFF. You head west for twenty feet and you reach a door.
DEBRA. Gandrella, the Flalf-Flvin Thief, listens ac the door.
JEFF. (Rolls dice.) You hear nothing.
DEBRA, I check for traps.
JEFF (Rolls dice.) Gandrella finds no traps.
PATTIE. Weslocke draws her sword.
DEBRA. Gandrella draws her dagger.
KIMBERLY. Polenta draws her staf.
PATTIE. I open the door.
JEFE The door opens with a creak. Beyond it is a room cluttered
with mangled pieces of armor. On a pedestal in the center of the
room appears to be a gold statuette in the shape of a Manticore.
PAT TLE. What's a Manticore?
44
KIMBERLY. (Il lookit up in the Atonwer Manual. (Looks through
one of the books.)
PATTIE. Lets go to another room,
DEBRA. No, its a gold statue. It’s ureasure.
PAITIE. Thar’s what you said at the cauldron,
Troglodytes jumped out and pummeled us with clubs.
then chose
KIMBERLY.
(Holds
aut
Monster
Manual.)
Look.
That's
a
Manticore.
PATTIE.
I’m
leaving.
KIMBERLY. I'm going inside.
PATTIE. Kim, what are you doing?!
KIMBERLY. Be brave, Mom,
DEBRA. Ill go with Kim.
PATTIE. Look at the book! It has claws and wings and a lion’s body!
DEBRA. You have to come with us, Pattic. Weslacke is the
Fighter!
KIMBERLY. We need your eighteen Strength.
PATTIE. Aww, fine.
JEFF. You enter the room. The door slams shut behind you.
PATTIE. I £vew it!
JEFF. Four Manticores swoop down from the cling and begin
attacking you. (The women start screaming heatedly.)
PATTIE. DEBRA, KIMBERLY.
I hack the Lattack with my whack one really
motherfuckers with dagger! aim forthe — hard with my
my sword! T behead throat, Remember] — wooden staff and
as many as | can! have plus three on then jump out
T knew there wasn’t of the way and
free treasure! | have an eighteen start chantin g
dexterity! a spell!
JEFF. Hold on! They get the initiative because they surprised you.
DEBRA, PATTIE. ;
Dont get excited, Kim. You're Didn't I tell you we'd
supposed to be recovering. eet attacked?!
JEFE. (Rolling dice.) Two of the Manticores go for Gandrella and
two for Weslocke.
DEBRA. What about Polenta?
JEPE. They ignore Kim for now.
attacks because
45
PATTIE. You're playing favorites!
JEFE. Tes all in the dice, ladies. Live with ic.
PATTIE. How much hit poine damage?
JEFF. (Rofling dice.) Let's see .,., claws, teeth, spikes ... ‘Uhar’s
tweny-nine for Gandrella. And ... forty-three for Weslocke.
PATTIE. Aw, gimme a fucking break!
JEFE Mrs. Levaco, please.
PATTIE. I'm negative eleven!
DEBRA. I’m negative nine.
JEFE You're both dead.
PATTIE. This game sucks!
DEBRA. Can Polenta resurrect us with magic?
JEFR Kim, youre surrounded by Manticores, What are you
gonna co?
KIMBERLY, (Looking at her list ofspells.) 1 casta ... Teleport spell,
so were transported back ro that magic fountain of healing,
JUFE. (Rolls dice, pause.) Before the incantation is out of your mouth,
the. Manticores descend upon you. One tears off your arm, another
digs its claws into your back, Iron spikes shoot inte you from. all
sides. Another rips your throat out. Essentially you're torn to shreds.
DEBRA. (Bezst.} Is she dead?
JEET. Yeah.
PATTIE, Js this supposed to be a kids’ game? This is sick.
KIMBERLY. They tore out my throat? Cool.
DEBRA. That's itr? We've been playing this stupid game for three
and a half days and just like that we're all dead?!
JEPE lt was very careless of you to jump into the room like that.
DEBRA. Well, do over.
JEFE I'm afraid T can’t do chae.
DEBRA. This is bullshie!
JEFF. A valiant atcempt on your noble journey. But the gods wete
not with otir adventurers today.
DEBRA. This kid’s a geele.
KIMBERLY. We thank you Dungeon Master for your time and
patience.
JEFE Nota problem, Wise and Decomposing Sage.
KIMBERLY. That was fun.
PATTIE. (Suddenly) Oh my gosh, it’s time for nyy pills. Kim, its
46
dees
for
your
pills
too.
fsit
this
fun?
We
all
take
pills,
DEBRA.
[
don’t take
no
pills.
JEFE.
I'm
on
Ritalin.
PATTIE.
Ooo,
Ritalin.
Can
T
try
one
af
those?
EEE. I'm not really allowed to hand them out.
PATTIE. Fuck ya then. Greedy prick.
KIMBERLY. Mom...
PATTIE. (Grabs crutches and pulls herself up.) \-know-I-know,
nickels in the Jar,
JEFF 1 never asked. Whar happened to your leg, Mrs. Levaco?
PATTIE. When Kim was staying at the hospital with her heart
attack, I snuck out hack for a quick smoke and J fell off the load-
ing edack..
JEFE. Oh. You probably shouldn't have been smokinganyway.
PATTIE. Hey, I smoked when T was pregnant with Kim and
nothin’ happened to er! (Pattie exits.)
JEFF Yd like to put your mom in a room with my dad and con-
duct experiments,
DEBRA. How you feeling, Kim?
KIMBERLY. Good.
DEBRA. Doing your exercises? Eating right?
KIMBERLY. Uh-huh.
JEFF. She goes back ro school tamorrow.
.DEBRA.: Is that right?
KIMBERLY. Dad says I can.
DEBRA. That’ great. 'm real proud of you. Fightin’ back, stayin’
strong. Get back up on that horse, right?
KIMBERLY. I guess.
DEBRA. That's terrific. So... maybe we can go back to our plan
‘then?
KIMBERIY. Yeah, I'd like that. How ‘bout we do ir tomorrow?
Right after school.
DEBRA. Hey, wow, alright. That's what I like. Raring to go.
JEFF. I think it’s too soon though. If Kim —
DEBRA, She said she was okay.
JEFF. T know, but she’s supposed to rest. What's a couple days?
KIMBERLY. In Kimberly Time,it’s about a week and a half. It’s
like dog years.
47
DEBRA. (Amused.) Dog years, that’s good.
KIMBERLY, You said we get half the money, right?
DEBRA. Right. Just like we said.
KIMBERLY, Because [ was thinking maybe that wasn't so fair.
DEBRA, (Beat.) What do you mean?
KIMBERLY. Me and Jeff having to split half, and you getting the
whole other half to yourself. That's a little wonky,
DEBRA. Wonky? It’s my idea.
KIMBERLY. But were doing all the work.
DEBRA. Work?! I dragged a mailbox eight blocks in the dead of
night!
KIMBERLY. I think it should be an even split. Three ways.
DEBRA. What are you talkin’ about? This ain't a friggin’ hoagie
were cuttin’ up.
KIMBERLY. But you can’t do it without us. I just think an even.
split would be more fair,
DEBRA. Did you talk her into chis?
JEFF. No, I didn’t say anything.
KIMBERLY. You wanna do it or not?
DEBRA. What's going on, Kim? You don’t need money.
KIMBERLY, Yes I do.
DEBRA. For what?
KIMBERLY. For family scuff.
DEBRA. What family stuff
KIMBERLY. None of your business. I didn’t ask you what you
were gonna do with yeur money.
DEBRA, I told you, I'm going to Miami.
KIMBERLY. Good for you, One third of the moncy is plenty to:
get there. So we'll go to the bank after school then?
DEBRA. I don't frickin’ believe this. You're rolling me.
KIMBERLY. What's fair is fair, Aunt Debra. Don’t you wanna
be fair?
DEBRA. Screw you, Kim. You play this injured little twerp and
— You're /ustling me.
KIMBERLY, Fine then, forget ic. It’s off.
DEBRA. Kim —!
KIMBERLY. No, Jeff’s right, I’m not one hundred percent.
(Feigns faintness, lies down.)
48
DEBRA. Jesus! Fine! Three-way splice Goddammuit.
KIMBERLY. (Sits bac& up.) So we'll meet at the library tomorrow,
get ready and head over to the bank. (7a Jeff) You okay with thar?
JEFE I guess.
KIMBERLY. Alright then,
DEBRA. A shake-down. My own flesh and blood. That's retten.
(Paitie enters with pill bottles. )
PATITIE. Can someone help me open these? I just cracked a
tooth. (Blackout.)
Scene 3
Lights up in the kitchen. The jar on the table is now over-
flowing with nickeb, Buddy, in his chef's hat, sets up cereal
bowls and bran flakes for breakfast, Kimberly comes in,
markedly slower.
BUDDY. The kid is up and about. Look at her go. So excited to eet
‘backto school. The anxious scholar. Racing to the breakfast rable.
KIMBERLY. Dont be a dick, Dad.
BUDDY. We've got a healthy breakfast, Startin’ the day offright.
KIMBERLY. Where's the Cap'n Crunch?
BUDDY. Doctor Cavanaugh said fiber-fiber-fiber.
KIMBERLY. But I’m better now. Can't we switch back?
BUDDY. Here's some milk. You also need calcium he said. We
don'twant you breaking a hip.
KIMBERLY. I don’t want any milk.
BUDDY. If F can drinkit, you can drinkit. (He holds his gtass of
milk up. Kimberly, sitting, holds hers up. They both drink the milk.)
How you feeling?
KIMBERLY. How yow feeling?
BUDDY. Ifeel great.
KIMBERLY. Me too. You look well-rested.
BUDDY, Thank you. Its the calcium.
49
KIMBERLY, Uh-huh; (Notices ¢ book on the table.) What is this?
BUDDY. Oh, T uh —
KIMBERLY. A Bible?
BUDDY. | know we've never been religious people, bur [ thought
you might wanna take a look at —
KIMBERLY. Is this because we played D&D?
BUDDY. I’m trying to give you your space, Kim. If you wanna
play that game, that’s your choice, but I wanna present an alterna-
tive to —
KIMBERLY. Geez Dad, let it go.
BUDDY. Your mother said you were all murdered by winged
demons.
KIMBERLY. They weren't demons. They were Manticores.
BUDDY. 1 was flipping through Leviticus this morning. Some of
it's pretty racy. You might like it. (Kisnberly eats her cereal.) You
know, we used to go to church when you were a baby. Your mom
played the organ. (Pattie enters in a nightgown. Shes still on her
crutches.)
PATTIE. Morning.
BUDDY, Hey Pattie, remember you used to play the organ? If
those bandages come off soon, maybe you can get back to that.
PATTIE. Forget the organ, Pll be happy when I can wipe my own,
ass.
BUDDY. (Beat.) Yeah me too. (Paitie has crossed to the bathroom.)
KIMBERLY. (Looks up at the clock, then asks ... ) Was Aunt Debra
up yet?
BUDDY, No. She sleeps to noon every day. Why would she be up?
KIMBERLY. 1 dont know, I thought she said something about
going for a jog.
BUDDY. Ajog? Debra?
KIMBERLY. I don't know. Maybe I misheard her.
BUDDY. (Pause.) Kim, I don't want you spending too much time
with her.
KIMBERLY. Aunt Debra?
BUDDY. She’s got a lot of problems.
KIMBERLY, Compared to who?
BUDDY. Just do me a favor and don’t get involved in any of her
shenanigans.
50
father :‘so — And I’m sure he’s a nice kid bur..
KIMBERLY. Yeah, Dad. What are you —
KIMBERLY.
Shenanigans?
Nice
word,
Dad.
BUDDY. (Calls to Pattre.) Your daughters making fun of me.
PATTIE. (Off) Dont do that, Kim. Your father’s sensitive.
BUDDY. How’s your friend, by the way?
JKIMBERLY. My fricnd?
BUDDY. Yeah, the kid. From Zippy Burger.
KIMBERLY. Jeff?
BUDDY.
Yeah.
How's
Jeff?
KIMBERLY. He's fine.
BUDDY. Good. (Pause.) So you like that boy?
KIMBERLY. Dad—
BUDDY. I know, I handled ir all wrong in the car, but I’m your
. you ke him?
BUDDY. I just don’t know him at all, so I wanna ask questions,
‘make sure he has only good intentions.
KIMBERLY. What are you worried about? I went through
‘menopause four years ago,
BUDDY. Aw geez, Kim —~
KIMBERLY. He's not gonna get me pregnant.
BUDDY. Come on, that’s not what [—
PATTIE. (Of) Buddy, I'm finished! Come wipe me!
BUDDY. V'll be right back. (Buddy runs into the bathroom.
Kimberly eats her cereal. Aunt Debra enters in a nightgown, exbaust-
ed. Shie carries a duffle bag.)
DEBRA, Where's the coffee?
KIMBERLY. It’s about time. You said you'd be up.
DEBRA. I am up.
KIMBERLY. You're late. Did you get my stuff?
DEBRA. Irs right here. (Hands her duffle bag.)
KIMBERLY. Whered you get it?
DEBRA. (Pours herself some coffee.) Salvation Army. They've got a
nice selection,
KIMBERLY. (Opens bag and looks inside.) God, it’s ugly.
DEBRA. Irs supposed to be ugly, now put it away, Saveit for later.
KIMBERLY. (Puss dress back, zips bag.) Jeff wanted to know if he
needed to wear anything special.
DEBRA. What's he mean special? He's playing himself, There's
51
nothing co — Tf that kid messes this up — (Sownal of torlet flush
ing.) Alright, keep quiet aboue it. (Buddy reenters.)
BUDDY. ‘That was a lovely way to start the day. (Sees Debra, looks:
up at clock then back at her) Got some plans for the day?
DEBRA. What, [can’t get up early?
BUDDY. What's in the duffle bag?
KIMBERLY. That’s mine. School project.
BUDDY. Huh. Awful lor of school projects. (Sound of the electric.
toothbrush whirring. Buddy prepares a bowl of cereal for Pattie. To
Debra:) You could look for a job today. Earn some money to pay
me back for that stereo.
DEBRA. Again with that stereo. It’s too early, Buddy. And the fact.
is, you owed it to me. So shut up about it.
BUDDY. What owee you?
DEBRA. You agreed to give it to me.
BUDDY. Agreed? I didn’t agree to — (Stops himself!) You know
what? Forget it.
DEBRA. No, you've been forgetting it all week, You throw out:
these little digs and then retreat back to your corner and it's start-
ing to tick me off.
BUDDY. It’s a good day, Debra, don't go pissing on it.
DEBRA. Who brought up the stereo? Wasit me? Did I bring se
the stereo, Kim?
BUDDY. (Calls off) What kind of cereal you want, Pattie?
PATTIE. (Off) Whatever, so long as you put the berries on!
DEBRA. You've obviously got something on your mind. You got
something on your mind?
BUDDY. No.
DEBRA. Whaddaya wanna know, Buddy?
BUDDY. Nothin’. I know more than cnough. I don’t wanna
know anymore, You'll implicate me.
DEBRA. Implicate you? Youre implicated already. I wasn’t the
one who —
BUDDY. I den’t wanna talk abour chis, Debra.
DEBRA. ‘Then why do you keep bringing up chat piece of junk
stereo?
BUDDY. Ir wasn’t a piece of junk! It was vintage!
DEBRA. Did you or did you not agree to give it to me?
52
BUDDY.
Yeah,
T
did,
if
you
did what you saicl you would do,
awhich you clidin’t.
‘DEBRA. I tried to.
BUDDY. But aut didut. Tryingisn't doing.
DEBRA. But| went co do it. It's not my faultit didnt happen.
BUDDY. (Noteces Kim’ listening.) Alright, dropit.
KIMBERLY. Don't drop it on my account. (Pattte reenters.)
PATTIE.. I love that electric toothbrush.
DEBRA. We had an agreement.
BUDDY. The agreement — Block your ears, Kim — ‘he agree-
ment was I'd give you the stereo if you went next deor and slapped
the guy;around.
ee‘What ouy?
PATTIE. My gums feel so dleans
‘KIMBERLY. Why would you do that?
BUDDY. Because of his goddamn cabbages. They kept spreading
intoour yard, and | told him to cut them back. How many times
didI cell him, Pattie?
“PATTIE. Many times.
BUDDY. And he would just wave his hand, like [was the crazy one.
KIMBERLY. So why didn’t you beat him up yourself?
BUDDY. He was my neighbor. I can't beat up my own neighbor.
KIMBERLY. You people are freaks,
PATTIE.. I had nothing to do with this episode.
DEBRA. You did so. Come on, Pattie, you know damn well
what —
BUDDY.’ Mrs, Denton said she saw a masked intruder crawl in
his window. Did you wear a mask?
DEBRA. Yes. A pig mask.
BUDDY. A pig mask? What the hell’s the matter with you?
‘DEBRA. I didn’t wanna be identified. You told me to scare him.
BUDDY. I didn’t tell you to iff him.
DEBRA. I didn’t know he had a weak heart, I didn't even do any-
thing. Hejust took one look at me and dropped dead,
BUDDY. You were wearing a pig mask! If a pig lady crawled in
a
my window, Pd drop dead too!
KIMBERLY. Thar's why we left Secaucus? Because you killed Mr.
Hicks?
DEBRA. Nobody killed anybody,
BUDDY. Kim, go wait in the car,
DEBRA. The guy just died,
KIMBERLY. With a little help.
PAITIE, He was very old, honey.
DEBRA, TI didn’t even touch him. It wouldn't hold up in court,
Tl cell ya that much,
BUDDY. He shoulda cut those cabbages back like I told him.
DEBRA. It wasn't just cabbages, Buddy —
KIMBERLY. This is so wrong. Don’t you even feel bad? (They all
consider this for a couple beats. Then a little too late they say:)
BUDDY. DEBRA. PATTIE.
Of course I feel bad. [feel just terrible. An awful way to go.
KIMBERLY, JI be in the car.
BUDDY. Now dont go telling your friends about this, Kim. It’s
family business. Keep it that way. (Kinz grabs the Reys from the hook
and exits with the cuffle bag. ) Whyd you say anythingin front of her?
DEBRA. You broughtic up.
BUDDY. Jesus, Debra —
DEBRA. Hey, none ofit woulda happened if Pattie hadn't done
what she did, so don’s go blaming me, Buddy!
PAITIE. Debra, I’m pregnant and easily upser, so don’t stare in
on me!
BUDDY. Alright, now calm down —
DEBRA. IfL hear another fuckin’ word about thar stereo — !
BUDDY. Alright, forget it! You got the stereo, thar’s it! I'm sorry
| ever brought the damn thing up!
DEBRA. I can't wait to get away from you goddamn animals!
(Storms off and slams a door.)
BUDDY. (Rummagingin his pocketfor nickels.) Who let herin the
house? I never invited her backin. (Pudls out handful of nickels.) |
lost count ofthe — f don't even know how much we owe here.
(Buddy adds a few nickels ta the pile, then picks up Patties cereal bowl
and feeds her with a spoon.)
PATTIE. They dont care about me. Neither of deere, I'm preg-
54
nant, and my leg’s breken, | have carpal cunnel and cancer,
BUDDY. You don't have cancer,
PATTIE. Yes I do, plus diabetes and a chipped tooth.
BUDDY. Come on, relax. (Holds out spoon,) Take a bite.
PATTIE. (Mourhfid.) And I do feel bad about Mr. Hicks, He was
very sweet,
BUDDY. I know,
PATTIE. I'm gonna miss him,
BUDDY. Alright.
PATTIE, More berries. (He scoops more berries onto her cereal.)
BUDDY. She was so upset,
PATTIE, She was born upset. (They lack eyes.) What?
BUDDY. It’s our fault, isn’t it?
PATTIE. Mr Hicks?
BUDDY. Kimberly. You put our genes together and it comes out
poison.
PATTIE. Kim isn’t poison.
BUDDY. That's not what I meant.
PATTIE. I know what ya meant, Buddy, and I don’t wanna hear
it, She’s sixecen, we're not gonna start blaming people now. Things
get passed on all the time. I got my mother’s ass. You thinkI blame
my mother for my ass?
BUDDY, It’s not the same, Pattie.
PATTIE. Can you stop? Please? (She takes another bite of cereal,
chews and swallows.) You're a lot more bearable when you're on the
sauce, ya know it? (Lights crassfade te ... )
Scene 4
The library. Debra and Jeff are waiting far Kim. Jeff, with a
pad and pencil, has been working on another anagram.
JEFE Debra Watts, right? And Watts is W-A-T-T-S?
DEBRA, Uh-huh,
55
JEFR (Small talk while working on anagram.) You ever been in
rehab?
DEBRA. None of your business.
JEFR, "Cause my brother’s in rehab, and my dad visits him like
every day. But me, the old guy barely speaks to. Can you explain
that to me?
DEBRA. No I can‘.
JEFF. I think he just likes screw-ups, that’s what I think. Hey,
maybe if we get caught and thrown in jail, he'll come visit me, and
then he'll Aave to talk to me.
DEBRA. Listen, you little whine-bag, if you ger caught nobody's
comning to visit you because you'll bein the morgue with my shoe
up your ass.
JEFR (Puts down pencil.) Finished, For Debra Watts, I’ve come up
with Basted Wart, Wasted Brat and Wet Bastard.
DEBRA. Thanks, Those are cute. Where’s Kim?
JEFF. In the bathroom.
DEBRA. ‘Taking her time, ain't she? Whatis she doing anyway?
JEFE Just getting changed,
DEBRA. I mean later. With the money. Why'd she suddenly want
more money?
JEFF. She just thought you should be fair.
DEBRA. Come on, is she buying something?
JEFE. I don’t know.
DEBRA. I hope you lie better than that at the bank.
JEFF. Really, she didn’t —
DEBRA. Because they are gonna see right through you. Those
tellers are tricky. Very perceptive. (Looks up at the clock.) Whatis
taking her so long?
JEFE Can I ask you something?
DEBRA. Do you have to?
JEFE How much longeris she gonna live?
DEBRA. (Pause.) Why you asking me? How am I supposed to
know something like —
JEFF. Because I wrote a paper, and everything said the life
expectancy is sixteen, And Kims already sixteen so —
DEBRA. Look, I don’t know. You asked mea peat and J don’t
know the answer, so dropit. if
56
JEFE (Pease.) You think Carmelita will be like her?
DEBRA. Ne chanee,
JEFF. Why no chance? Kim said the Levacos always havea one in
four chance of —
DEBRA. It’s a non-issue, kid. Don’t sweat it. The baby’ll be fine.
(Kin enters dressedin old lady clothes, She has the makeup ofan old
lady, and an old lady hat and purse, The transformationis stunning.
No one can speak for a couple beats.) Jesus.
KIMBERLY. It's okay?
DEBRA, You look like Rose Kennedy.
KIMBERLY. It’s ckay though?
DEBRA. It’s perfect. God. 5 had no idea it'd be so ... you look
so old.
KIMBERLY. So it'll work then?
DEBRA. Yeah, If the kid can keep a straight face, we're golden.
KIMBERLY. (Zo Jeff:) I look whey? (Jefflooks at her, ill-at-ease.)
DEBRA. It’s not a beauty contest.
KIMBERLY. It’sjust for a little while.
JEFF. 1 know. Yeah, it looks good.
DEBRA. Alright, you gotta get over there before they close. You
wanna run through it once?
KIMBERLY. I think we got it.
DEBRA. And you got the checks?
JEFE Righthere.
DEBRA. And the duffle bag? Keep the money in the duffle bag.
KIMBERLY. Got it.
DEBRA. Okay then, Now I don’t wanna be spotted on the cam-
era, so I’m gonna wait here. You come right back afterwards. I'll
be waiting.
KIMBERLY. Just one final thing though.
DEBRA. What?
KIMBERLY. Why is Carmelica a non-issue?
DEBRA. (Pazise.) Carmelita?
KIMBERLY. You just told Jeff there was no chance of her being
like me.
DEBRA. You heard that?
KIMBERLY. How is it a non-issue?
DEBRA. Kim, the bank closes at four, so —
af
KIMBERLY. It’s because of Mr. Hicks, right?
DEBRA. Hey, I’m not supposed to —
KIMBERLY. That’s why my father wanted you to slap him
around, right? It wasn't just the cabbages.
DEBRA. You gotta understand, your mother’s baby-crazy. It’s all
she ever wanted, Even asa kid. You should’ve seen her with the dolls.
KIMBERLY. I knew it didn’t make sense.
DEBRA. She was miserable in Secaucus. You should be glad she
has something that makes her happy. I said “Pattie, if you're so
miserable, do something about it.”
KIMBERLY. You told her to do it?
DEBRA. I didn’t tell her to screw Hicks! I just said — She had
options. She could’ve adopted. Or kidnapped. Or ... | know a guy
who sells ’em. You all don't have that kinda money, but I ber he'd
work some sort of barter system. He’s a friend of mine.
KIMBERLY. (Zo Jeff) You ready?
JEFF Yeah.
DEBRA. When Cinnamon died, I bought you a gerbil, right?
Same difference, Kim, so don’t start pulling an attitude.
KIMBERLY. Same difference?
DEBRA. Well maybe not technically, but it’s the same idea.
KIMBERLY. Okay, Aunt Debra. You're gonna wait here, right?
DEBRA. Right.
KIMBERLY. (Ta Jeff:) Let's go.
DEBRA. Don’t sayI said anything. Your dad’s real sensitive about it.
KIMBERLY. We'll be back. (Kim and Jeff'headfor the exit. It takes
Kim awhile to get there.)
DEBRA. (Trying to make light.) Hey, you better step livelier than
that. I'd like to be in Miami sometime this century. (Beat.) The tor-
toise doesn’t always win the race, you know. (Kim keeps walking.)
Kidding. (Beat.) You know I'm kidding, right? Beautiful? (No
response.) Vl be waiting. (Kimberly andJeffexit. Lightsfade on Debra.)
58
Scene 5
Lights up in the kitchen. There are now two overflowing jars
of nickels on the table. Buddy and Pattie are walking around.
Pattie, between contractions, isn't really in pain at the moment.
BUDDY. Just keep moving. There you go.
PATTIE. How long’s it been?
BUDDY. Fifteen minutes.
PATTIE. I’m scared, Buddy. I think we should go.
BUDDY. They said not until they're five to seven minutes apart.
This could go on. You wanna wait around a es for six hours?
PATTIE. No. Too many germs.
BUDDY. Alright then. It’s a quick drive. We’re fine.
PATTIE. Well then distract me. You're supposed to distract me!
Did you pick up the paint swatches?
BUDDY. Yeah, right here. (Hands her a paint snatch i
PATTIE. What's this?
BUDDY. Irs slate. Everything matches slate.
PATTIE. That's all they had?
BUDDY. Thar’ all they had on sale.
PATTIE. Who cares about sales?! It’s a babys room! Mrs. Gigante Ae
says Bonnie's room is pink! Why didn’t you bring me any pink
swatches?
BUDDY. The pink wasn’t on sale.
PATTIE. If you had half a brain you'd be dangerous. (Kimberly
enters with the dufflebag and crosses to her room.) Ob hi, honey. ’'m
in labor.
BUDDY. Where were you?
KIMBERLY. (Crossing to bedroom.) At the bank.
BUDDY. What were you doing at the bank?
KIMBERLY. (Exits into her bedroom.) Nothing.
PATTIE. (Beat.) What is she wearing?
BUDDY. I don’t know.
59
PATTIE. (Cails off.) Was there a costume party at school, honey?
(To Buddy.) She likes when we ask her about school.
BUDDY. Why are you wearing those clothes?
KIMBERLY. (Of-) I’m trying a new style.
PATTIE. (fo Buddy) That's how teens are. Remember senior
year? You walked around in that pirate hat?
BUDDY. Two days. That's all I wore it. Don’t start in on me.
PATTIE. (Getting a contraction.) Uh-oh, Uh-oh! Here it comes
again.
BUDDY. (Timing her.) Okay ...
PATTIE. Ow-ow-ow-Ow-OW-OW!
BUDDY. Breathe through it.
PATTIE. Slate! f can’t believe you bring home slate!
BUDDY. Focus, Pattie.
PATTIE. They paint prisons slate!
BUDDY. Keep breathing.
PATTIE. I ask you to do one thing! Get a couple swatches and —
OW, Mother of God!
BUDDY. (Leoking at watch.) It should be coming down now.
PATTIE. (The pain fades.) Okay... okay... okay..
BUDDY. There you go. Aaaand... walkit ah
PATTIE. (The contraction has passed. ) Walk it off? T didn’t twist an
ankle! It’s a fucking contraction! Walk it off he says, like Pm in lit-
tle league. You think I’m in little league, ya asshole?!
BUDDY. (Sighs, takes her in.} No,1 don't think you're in little league.
(Fe tosses a couple more nickels onto the pile, then moves to the fridge.)
PATTIE. Where are you going?
BUDDY. I'm getting a beer.
PATTIE. Oo, get me one too.
BUDDY. Pattie...
PATTIE, Iell soothe me! (Makes her way to a seat.) Hey Kimmy,
did you hear my contraction?
KIMBERLY. (Off) Yeah, it set off the Gigantes’ car alarm.
PATTIE. What can I say? My voice carries. (Beat,) Did ya notice
the snow started melting today? 1 take that as a good omen.
Whaddaya think?
BUDDY. (Aands ber beer) Sure. Whatever.
PATTIE. (Gently) 1 think the room should be pink, Buddy. Irs
60
important to me, 1 want it to be perfect.
BUDDY. (Pause.) I know you do. (Beat, Pattie swigs her beer.)
PATTIE. (Calls off) Hey Kim, your dad and | were talking, and
when your sister comes youre gonna have to sleep on the couch
for a little while. You don’t mind, do you? (Kimberly reenters tn her
regular clothes.) Oh, nice of you to make an appearance.
KIMBERLY. Why do | have to sleep on the couch?
PATTIE. Because the baby needs her own room.
KIMBERLY, Why?
PATTIE. Because she does. It's important, For the development.
It helps them be independent.
BUDDY, | can sleep on the couch, if you'd rather sleep with mom,
KIMBERLY. Why can’t the baby sleep with Mom?
PATTIE. Because babies cry. And I need my sleep. (Kimberly
notices Buddy's beer.)
BUDDY. (Off her look.) It’s one beer, Kimmy. I’m under a jot of
pressure at the moment. (Kim goes back into her room.) | have been
very good! [t's not easy, you know! (Under bis breath.) Goddamnit.
PATTIE. ‘hey say a new sibling can be hard on the firstborn,
BUDDY. Maybe she can share the room.
PATTIE. She doesn’t need to. That's a very comfortable couch.
(Calis off) You were conceived on that couch!
BUDDY. Dont tel! ber that. For Godsakes, Pattie —
KIMBERLY. (Off) Was Carmelita?
PATTIE. Was Carmelita what?
KIMBERLY, (Off) Conceived on that couch?
PATTIE. That is none of yeur business. (7 Buddy) You hear this
sass? She gets that from you.
KIMBERLY. (Enters with a suitcase and the duffle bag.) Because
she was conceived in Mr. Hicks’ basement?
BUDDY. Kim —! (SPLASH)
PATTIE. Goddamnic. My water broke.
BUDDY. (To Kim.) Whard Aunt Debra say to you?!
KIMBERLY. Yow tell me.
PATTIE. Pm soaked! You see what she did?!
KIMBERLY. Is it true?
PATTIE. Get me some towels, Buddy!
KIMBERLY. Is it?
61
BUDDY. Kim, we're a little busy at the moment. (Searches for
towels,)
KIMBERLY. Aunt Debra said the baby’s a non-issue.
PATTIE. Aunt Debra’s a psychopath.
BUDDY. Non-issue? What's that mean?
KIMBERLY. It means she won't be like me.
PATTIE. I don’t even know what you're talking about.
BUDDY. Didn't I tell you to stay away fromm Debra?! (To Pattie.)
That is your sister! You let her back in here!
KIMBERLY, Is that why Mz. Hicks kept visiting? You didn’t like
Dad’s odds? :
BUDDY. (To Pattie.) You see?! Didn't I tell you this was gonna
happen?
PATTIE. Me, Hicks brought me cabbages. That's all! Now go to
your room!
KIMBERLY. Oh is it my room again? I thought I'd been evicted.
BUDDY, This is avery complicated issue that doesn’t involve you.
(Buddy runs over to Pattie with a voll ofpaper towels.)
PATTIE. Not paper towels! Real towels! This isn’t Kool-Aid, you
moron! (Buddy searches for real towels.)
KIMBERLY, Shouldn't Mr. Hicks be doing that?
PATTIE. Now you know darn well Mr. Hicks is dead.
BUDDY. Kim, you are walking on thin ice here.
PATTIE, And even if he wasn't dead, he'd hardly have the stami-
na to run around looking for towels, He was very frail.
BUDDY, Hicks was just a neighbor, now drop it. He meant noth-
ing to us.
KIMBERLY. Vhen why did you hire Aunt Debra to kill him?
BUDDY, | didn’t hire her to £#// him! Come on —- (Brings towels
to Pattie.) The agreement was beat him up. I was very upset at the
time. But I never wanted the guy killed.
KIMBERLY. And yet he died.
BUDDY. Okay, you wanna talk about this, we'll talk about it.
Later. But tight now your mother’s having a baby. And that's a lit-
tle more important than your hissy fit!
KIMBERLY, Of course it is.
BUDDY. Your timing is way off.
KIMBERLY. That's the understatement of the century.
62
PATTIE, Don’t get smart with your father.
KIMBERLY. Oh I'm sorry to get smart. And I'm sorty my timing
is off. And I'm sorry I’m not Bonnie Gigante.
PATTIE. What does she have to do with anything?
KIMBERLY. But for the record, Bonnie Gigante sells pot and
doles out blowjobs like they were handshakes!
PATTIE. That is filthy talk! I don't know where you get that
sewer-mouth.
BUDDY. Kim, I don’t know what this is about, but you're being
naive and spiteful, and you need to toughen up.
KIMBERLY. Toughen up?
PATTIE. None of this is gonna matter anyway. You're gonna have
a beautiful baby sister, Who cares how we got her?
KIMBERLY. J do!
BUDDY. ‘Too bad! It’s none of your business!
KIMBERLY. I can't believe you bought into this.
BUDDY. Hey—
KIMBERLY. Did you ever have a backbone?
PATTIE. That is your father you're talking to.
KIMBERLY. Are you sure?! One never knows in this house!
PATTIE. You apologize!
KIMBERLY. (Jo Buddy.) You've the one who needs to toughen up!
PATTIE. Okay, yes it happened! Alright?! So what?! It was a thing
that was done! That’s all it was! It served a purpose! Can we let it
go now?! (Silence.) You know what, Kim? You win. We're not per-
fect. Okay? And we have been trying our damndest to make you
happy, but we obviously can’t be whatever it is you want us to be.
KIMBERLY. Well that makes it unanimous then.
PATTIE, This has nothing to do with you. I wanted a baby. It’s
that simple.
KIMBERLY. You hada baby.
PATTIE. I wanted another baby,
KIMBERLY. You wanted a different baby.
BUDDY. Kim —!
KIMBERLY. And you made real sure she'd be nothing like me.
PATTIE. What choice did I have?! Soon I won't be able to have
habies anymore, and then you'll die and I'll be alone! And I didnt
want to be alone! (Beat,) | meant, /7/ die. I was making a sister for
P 63
you, so you would have someone to talk to when / died. Nor you!
BUDDY. Alright Partie, relax,
PATTIE. (Notices Kim’ suitease.) What's that? My suitcase for the
hospital?
KIMBERLY. No. I’m staying at a friend’s house. (Buddy grabs a
towel and wipes Patties forehead.)
BUDDY. What friend? You didn’t ask ifyou could — It better not
be that boy’s house. His family’s a mess and I don’t want you stay-
ing in that environment.
PATTIE. Help me, Buddy. It’s getting hot in here. (Buddy fans
Fattie.)
KIMBERLY, You know what I-wanted to do? What I was gonna
do? With the money?
BUDDY. What money?
KIMBERLY. I wanted to walk in and say, “Hey, guess what? We're
going to the Alamo!”
PATTIE. The Alamo?
KIMBERLY. Or Pamplona. Or Hawaii. One of those places Dad
is always talking about. And I wanted to say, “Pack a bag, we're
going right now!” And youd be confused but I'd explain ir, and
youd be really happy, and you'd jump up and start packing. But
then ... Debra and Hicks, and ] come home and then you with
the room —
PATTIE. I can’t understand a word she’s saying.
KIMBERLY. And I'm thinking, “Why bother?” You did a good
job pretending for a little while I guess, but really you gave up a
long time ago.
PATTIE. Gave up wha?
KIMBERLY. A whole mess of stuff. I can't even — It’s like you're
just sitting around waiting ot something, And I know it’s hard for
you, and you have to prepare and cope and whatever but ...
BUDDY. But what?
KIMBERLY. I’m not dead yet! (Beaz.) I’m not dead. (Silence. Then
Pattie gets another contraction.)
PATTIE. Ob-oh-oh-ow-ow-Ow-OW ... here’s another one!
BUDDY. Nobody thinks you're dead.
PATTIE. (2 pain.) What's this, Bud?! How long since the last one?
BUDDY. (Lookingat watch.) 'm not sure. Fourteen. minutes maybe?
64
PATTIE. It hurts.
BUDDY. Do the breathing.
PATTIE. Get my suitcase. And my special pillow.
BUDDY. Okay. (Buddy turns around and catches Kim taking the
car keys off the hoak. A moment passes between them. They say noth-
ing. She puts the keys in her pocket, and he doesnt stop her. Pattie talks
over this exchange, unaware that its even happening.)
PATTIE. Also my search-a-words. I'll need something to occupy
my time. And the camera. And my bathrobe, I forgot to pack my
bathrobe. Plus the lip balm in my purse. Actually, just grab the
whole purse. (Zirns around.) Are you listening to me?
BUDDY. Yeah. Suitcase, pillow, search-a-words, camera ...
PATTIE. Bathrobe and purse.
BUDDY. Bathrobe and purse. (Exits into bedroom.)
PATTIE. Hurty up, Buddy! (Huffing and puffing.) li’s nwo weeks
early,
BUDDY. (Off) That's alright. Babies come early sometimes. _
PATTIE. Kim came early. Remember? Almost did me in. (Kirn
slips out the front door with her suitcase. The pain subsides.) Oh there
it goes. I think it’s fading. (Breathes easier.) You know what Mrs.
Gigante said to me this morning? She said, “Pattie, you oughta get
out and get some sun. You look like a ghost.” Well I thought, if I
spent all the money she spends at that tanning salon I'd look all
brown and crunchy too. Only I didn’t say that. [ just said, “There's
been some unseasonable weather as of late.” Bur maybe that
Alamo thing ain't such a bad idea. It’s awful sunny in Texas, right
Kimmy? We'll have to buy the baby a car seat, but that can’t cost
so much. You think that crap-heap of a car can make it to Texas,
Buddy? (Beat) Kim honey, wipe my brow. (Reaches back for her,
but Kim isn’t there.) Kim? Where'd she go? (Debra enters the house,
harried and out of breath.)
DEBRA. Where's Kim?
PATTIE. I dont know.
DEBRA. Was she here?!
PATTIE. The baby’s coming, Debra!
DEBRA. She was supposed co meet me with the money!
PATTIE. What money? (Buddy reenters with stufffor the hospital.)
BUDDY. I’m gonna call a cab.
65
PATTIE.
Cab?
Why
would
we
take
a
—
(Huge
contraction.)
Owwwwwwwww!
(Blackout,)
Scene 6
Lights up on Kim andJeffin the car. Jeffdrives,
KIMBERLY, Where are we now?
JEFE Check the map.
KIMBERLY. It says “The Wilds of Africa.”
JEFF. (He sees something run by) Whoa! Did you see that gazelle?
KIMBERLY. (Reads from safari guide.) “In this section of the Six
Flags Wild Safari, you will notice a variety of exotic and rare birds,
from the common guinea fowl to our storks and cranes.”
JEFE. What's that?An antelope?
KIMBERLY. (Refers io her safari guide.) That’s a ... I believe it’s a
Bontebok ... (Readingfrom the guide.) “Characterized by its long
face and horns that twist backwards, this endangered species is dif-
ficult to breed in captivity, but seems to do well in a free-roaming
environment,”
JEFE I wonder if my dad misses me.
KIMBERLY. We've only been gone two hours.
JEFE. Still, 1 wonder if he does.
KIMBERLY. (Pulls out tape recorder and presses record.) Hey
Carmelita, this safari place is unreal,
JEFF. Your mom's gonna be pissed you stole that,
KIMBERLY. We've seen black bears and camels, and now were in
Africa. You gotta see this place, only don’t wait for Dad to bring
you because it'll never happen. (Hit stop.) This way she'll know,
(Sound ofan animal on top ofthe car.) What is that?
JEFF There’s a little monkey on the roof. (We hear the monkey
banging on the roof. It screeches.}
KIMBERLY. Sounds mad. (The soundfades.)
JEFF There it goes, scrambled up that tree.
66
KIMBERLY. Look at it though. Irs staring at me. My mother had
that face sometimes. Remember?
JEFR Oh yeah. Look at that. (Beat) Hey, there's a whole mess of
them up there, Up in the branches?
KIMBERLY, Keep driving. They're kinda weird looking. (Hizs
record again.) Tiey Carm, there's a bunch of monkeys here that
look like Mom. I wish I had a camera. (Hits stop.) She’s gonna like
these, when she’s old enough to understand them. You'll make sure
she gets them, right?
JEFF, The tapes?
KIMBERLY. Because if | mail them, my mom might just throw
them out. | wanna make sure she gets them.
JEFE She'll get them.
KIMBERLY. You'll make sure though, right?
JEFE Yeah.
KIMBERLY. God, this place reeks. You smell that?
JEFE There's a hippo in the road.
KIMBERLY. Look at that. (Presses record.) You wont believe this,
little sister, we've got a hippo in front of us.
JEFE. (Also into recorder.) And it ain’t moving. (Stops the car.)
KIMBERLY, Hey. We're not supposed to stop.
JERE Whar else can I do?
KIMBERLY. Go around it.
JEFE There's a ravine.
KIMBERLY. The pamphlet says to keep rolling along, otherwise
we hold up traffic.
JEFE It’s closing time. We were the last ones in.
KIMBERLY. Still, I don’t want those monkeys coming back here.
JEFE (Into the recorder.) Kim's afraid of the monkeys,
KIMBERLY. We're just supposed to sit here?
JEFE 1 can do an anagram.
KIMBERLY, No thanks. (They sit in silence. Afier a couple beats,
Jeff looks over at Kim. She looks over at him. They look away, An
uncomfortable pause. They look at each other again, and eventually,
after much tension, lean in and kiss. They separate and sit in silence
for a couple more beats, happy but petrified. Kim notices the tape
recorder, embarrassed.) \ left the tape recorder on.
JEFR. Really?
67
KIMBERLY. We can save it for posterity. (Hits stop.)
JEFE Cool. (Pause.) Where do you wanna go next?
KIMBERLY. Colonial Williamsburg.
JEFE Very nice choice.
KIMBERLY. And then Busch Gardens. Sea World. Universal.
We'll spend at least a week in Florida. We've got enough money
for that, right?
JEFE More than enough.
KIMBERLY. I hear they have nice dance clubs in Miami.
JEFE Oh yeah?
KIMBERLY. Then we'll head west.
JEFF. The hippos moving.
KIMBERLY. Grand Canyon, Mount Rushmore — (Jeffturns the
key in the ignition, but the engine just whirs without turning over.)
What's the matter? (He tries again, but the car won't start.)
JEFE Your dad was right about this piece of junk car,
KIMBERLY. Where are those guys in the Jeeps?
JEFE I hope they didn't go home early,
KIMBERLY, Honk the horn. (He does.)
JEFE You see anyone?
KIMBERLY. No. (He bonks some more.) Alright, stop honking.
You're pissing off that hippo.
JEFE Screw him. If he hadn’t stopped in the middle of the road
— (Honks some more.)
KIMBERLY. Now it’s coming over here. (Jefftries to start the car.)
You see what you did? (Faintly we hear the sound of the monkey.)
And there’s that monkey again. (The sound of the monkey on the
roof, only it’s multiplied.)
JEFE Sounds like more than one,
KIMBERLY. Whyd you have to honk (We bear a lion roar.)
JEFR What the hell is thae?/
KIMBERLY. Start the car!
JEFE This doesn’t seem safe! (The car still won't start.) It won't go!
KIMBERLY. Try it again!
JEFE What kind of family entertainment és this?!
KIMBERLY, Stay calm! (Jefftries to restart the car, but to no avail, The
swirling animal shapes from the end ofAct One return, the projections
spinning dround them as we hear various animals descending upon
68
them,
clawing
at
the
car,
roaring,
screeching.
The
sound
1s
overwhelm-
ing.
It
goes
on
for
several
beats,
until
—
the
engine
finally
turns
over.)
JEFE
There
she
goes!
KIMBERLY.
Go! Go!
(And
they
pull
away,
The
sounds
fade,
the
spinning animals
fade,
and
they
are
on
their
way.
Kimberly
looks
behind
her.
They
drive
in
silence
for
a
couple
beats.
Then
they
get
sort
of
punch-drunk
from
the
thrilling
experience.)
That
was
so weird,
JEFF.
They
still
back
there?
KIMBERLY.
Just
keep
going,
JEFE
‘They
running
after
us?
KIMBERLY.
‘Turn
bere.
That was
insane.
JEFE,
Ave
they
gone?
.
KIMBERLY.
Won't
have
that
problem
in
Colonial
Williamsburg.
JEFE They
gone
though?
KIMBERLY.
Yeah,
they're
gone.
JEFF,
You
sure?
.
:
KIMBERLY.
We're
good.
Relax.
(Clicks
on
the
radio.)
Just
keep
driving.
(The
radio plays
swing
music
as the
lights
slowly
fade on
the
giddy
teens.)
End of Play
69

Last Update:November, 05th 2025