(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs Lyrics – Hairspray

Song Overview

“(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs” is Hairspray’s tart villain turn: Velma Von Tussle brags, belittles, and gatekeeps on live TV auditions while Tracy, Penny, and the Council listen in. On the 2002 cast album, the number runs under three minutes, but it sketches a lifetime of grudges and glitter in crisp patter, period horns, and a wink of burlesque. The track sits early in Act 1, right as the show moves from bedroom daydreams into the nitty-gritty of who gets seen on camera in 1962 Baltimore.

Review and Highlights

Review. The song is a compact character dossier. Linda Hart flips from clipped disdain to vaudeville sparkle on a dime, riding Marc Shaiman’s tight rhythm section and brass stabs. The arrangement leans on patter pacing and cartoon-bright orchestration so the punchlines land without blurring the lyric. It’s a perfect Broadway quick-change: audition questions, social policing, and a sash full of backstory, all in under three minutes.

Highlights.

1. Velma’s origin myth - a pageant win, a grudge against Shirley Temple, and a not-so-subtle “I screwed the judges” - lays out her worldview in neon.
2. Amber and the Council serve as Greek chorus and mean-girl echo chamber, letting the song roast while it moves plot.
3. Tracy’s single line about integration detonates the room, previewing the show’s central collision between TV fame and civil rights.

Creation History

Music by Marc Shaiman, lyrics by Scott Wittman and Marc Shaiman. The track was recorded for the Hairspray (Original Broadway Cast Recording), released by Sony Classical on August 13, 2002, produced by Shaiman with Lon Hoyt conducting. It appears as track 5 on the album with a running time of about 2:53.

The number reappears in later screen adaptations: Michelle Pfeiffer performs it in the 2007 film, and Kristin Chenoweth headlines it in NBC’s 2016 Hairspray Live! broadcast, each version preserving the song’s pageant-camp bite while tailoring the choreography for camera.

Song Meaning and Annotations

Plot

At the WYZT studio auditions, Velma Von Tussle - former pageant queen turned TV gatekeeper - interrogates hopefuls on camera. She rewrites her past as triumph, mocks Tracy’s body, and uses etiquette as a weapon. When Tracy endorses integration, Velma drops the mask and ejects her, confirming what the kids already know: the show’s smiles sit on a segregated foundation.

Song Meaning

Velma’s anthem is a satire of respectability politics. The patter style - crisp, rapid, rhymed - mirrors how she polices other people’s bodies and ambitions. Rhythmically it nods to early 60s TV variety numbers, but the lyric’s sugar hides a sour mandate: belong or be removed. The mood starts comic, turns cutting, then lands on triumphant gatekeeping as she re-crowns herself “Miss Baltimore Crabs.”

Annotations

[LOU ANN, spoken]

The aside is often misattributed in some transcriptions; the barb comes from Amber, not Lou Ann. That fits the dynamic - mother and daughter working as a tag team.

Three ... five ... No, wait, I have twenty!

Those sweater-count lines belong to Tracy, prompted by Amber’s question. It’s a joke about self-presentation and a dig at how auditions reduce teens to tally marks.

Style, production, and staging

Patter sections sit on a buoyant backbeat, reeds flick quick ornaments, and brass punctuates the put-downs. The writing loves a vaudeville flourish - baton jokes, souffle brags, and a topper high C - while the pit keeps the groove clean so the diction cuts through. On album, Sony Classical’s mix places Hart forward, the chorus tight behind, and the studio band locked under Hoyt’s baton.

Historical and cultural touchpoints

By giving Velma a showpiece, the musical expands the antagonist beyond the 1988 film’s composite figures and clarifies her stake in TV whiteness. Critics have often noted how the song sharpens Velma’s motivation while keeping the comedy sharp - proof that camp can carry plot weight.

Key Facts

• Artist: Linda Hart with Marissa Jaret Winokur, Kerry Butler and the Original Broadway Cast
• Composer: Marc Shaiman
• Lyricists: Scott Wittman, Marc Shaiman
• Producer (album): Marc Shaiman
• Conductor: Lon Hoyt
• Release Date (album): August 13, 2002
• Label: Sony Classical
• Track #: 5
• Length: approximately 2:53
• Genre: Showtune with patter-song and early 60s pop inflection
• Language: English

Questions and Answers

Who produced “(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs” on the cast album?

Marc Shaiman.

When did the track appear on the Original Broadway Cast Recording?

August 13, 2002.

Who wrote it?

Music by Marc Shaiman; lyrics by Scott Wittman and Marc Shaiman.

Who performs the best-known screen versions?

Michelle Pfeiffer in the 2007 film, and Kristin Chenoweth in NBC’s 2016 Hairspray Live!.

Where does it sit in the show?

Early Act 1 at the TV studio auditions, soon after “I Can Hear the Bells.”

Awards and Chart Positions

While the track itself was not a single, the Hairspray (Original Broadway Cast Recording) won the 2003 Grammy Award for Best Musical Show Album, helping cement the score’s profile.

Additional Info

Notable covers and adaptations. Michelle Pfeiffer’s film rendition frames Velma as a studio autocrat with movie-musical gloss, while Kristin Chenoweth’s television version leans into pageant comedy and crystalline belt. Both keep the lyric’s delicious nastiness intact for new audiences.

YouTube and streaming availability. The Original Broadway Cast audio is officially available via “auto-generated” channels and label uploads, useful for referencing the 2002 arrangement and timing.