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Musical: Thoroughly Modern Millie
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MR. GRAYDON: Take a letter. To a Mr. John Hudson, Hudson's Floor Wax. You will find an invoice in the file for the address. "Dear Mr. Hudson," colon: My eyes are fully open to my awful situation So I'm writing you a letter to demand an explanation When the floor wax that we bought from you Arrived here Monday morning We discovered upon usage that the fume Should have a warning Since the only possibility is that the wax is rancid I request a full refund of all the money we advanced And unless you can convince me You've improved the floor wax batter We will take our business elsewhere So I hope you solve this matter How's my speed, Miss Dillmount? MILLIE: A little slow, perhaps. MR. GRAYDON: Ah! Enclosed you'll find a small container Of the stuff I talk about Just carefully remove the lid And take a whiff if you've a doubt I'm sure you wouldn't want me To alert the daily papers With the news of how our office Was affected by your vapours Which is why I choose to write to you A confidential letter Full of strong recommendation That you make your floor wax better I just hope it won't require us To have our floor relaid and If it does you may expect a bill Sincerely, Trevor Graydon Now, read that back to me please. MILLIE: Certainly. "Dear Mr. Hudson," colon: My eyes are fully open to my awful situation So I'm writing you a letter to demand an explanation When the floor wax that we bought from you Arrived here Monday morning We discovered upon usage that the fume Should have a warning Since the only possibility is that the wax is rancid I request a full refund of all the money we advanced MR. GRAYDON: Nice! MILLIE: And unless you can convince me You've improved the floor wax batter We will take our business elsewhere So I hope you solve this matter MR. GRAYDON: Not half bad. Continue please. MILLIE: Enclosed you'll find a small container Of the stuff I talk about Just carefully remove the lid And take a whiff if you've a doubt I'm sure you wouldn't want me To alert the daily papers With the news of how our office Was affected by your vapours Which is why I choose to write to you A confidential letter Full of strong recommendation That you make your floor wax better I just hope it won't require us To have our floor relaid and If it does you may expect a bill Sincerely, Trevor Graydon MR. GRAYDON: Miss Dillmount, may I speak frankly? MILLIE: Yes? MR. GRAYDON: If I could be so lucky As to have a good stenographer To keep this place as up-to-date As her short skirt and bobbed coiffure I wouldn't have to worry 'bout Our soured office planking And could concentrate on generating Profits ripe for banking That is why I'm testing you With this outrageous correspondence Which I don't intend to actually mail To the respondents So if you can make sense of my unintelligble patter Then the job is yours and Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter MILLIE: Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter? Matter, matter, matter, matter Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter? Matter, matter, matter, matter MR. GRAYDON (at the same time): Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter! Matter, matter, matter, matter Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter! OFFICE WORKERS (at the same time): Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter! Matter, matter, matter, matter MR. GRAYDON: Now, I want that letter on my desk in two minutes flat. Man your machine! Go! (Millie's rapid fire typing/tapping dazzles the office workers. She presents the finished letter to Mr. Graydon.) Time! "Dear Mr. Hudson," MILLIE AND OFFICE WORKERS: Colon. MR. GRAYDON: My eyes are fully open to my awful situation So I'm writing you a letter to demand an explanation When the floor wax that we bought from you Arrived here Monday morning We discovered upon usage that the fume Should have a warning Since the only possibility is that the wax is rancid I request a full refund of all the money we advanced And unless you can convince me You've improved the floor wax batter We will take our business elsewhere So I hope you solve this matter MILLIE AND OFFICE WORKERS: So I hope you solve this matter So I hope you solve this matter So I hope you solve this matter Matter, matter, matter, matter MR. GRAYDON: Going on. Enclosed you'll find a small container Of the stuff I talk about Just carefully remove the lid And take a whiff if you've a doubt I'm sure you wouldn't want me To alert the daily papers With the news of how our office Was affected by your vapours Which is why I choose to write to you A confidential letter Full of strong recommendation That you make your floor wax better I just hope it won't require us To have our floor relaid and If it does you may expect a bill Sincerely, Trevor Graydon You have made the team Miss Dillmount! OFFICE WORKERS: You have made the team Miss Dillmount! MILLIE: Tell me where my desk is When we eat lunch How much I'll be paid, and Nice to meet you, I know we'll be friends Just call me Millie Graydon MR. GRAYDON and OFFICE WORKERS: Millie Graydon? MILLIE: I mean Dillmount! MR. GRAYDON and OFFICE WORKERS: Millie Dillmount? MILLIE: Someday Graydon! MR. GRAYDON and OFFICE WORKERS: Graydon? Dillmount? Dillmount? Graydon? Graydon? Dillmount? MILLIE: Graydon! ALL: Ahhhhhhh!
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