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Musical: Scarlet Pimpernel
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Lud love me! Such conjecturing could drive a man insane And I'm the one to set this gossip quite to rest The Pimpernel is me Indeed! And I'm the Queen of Spain! The Pimpernel is nothing but a nosy pest No, the vicar says the Pimpernel's a bishop in disguise Who gives absolution night and day Stuff and nonsense, don't you know He's a maharajah from Bombay? They say he has enormous feet And that he tends to overeat I've heard he's fussy with his food And eats his breakfast in the nude Is he robust? Or very pale? At least we know he's male! Who is the Scarlet Pimpernel? Me sister says his breath is sweeter than an Irish rose I'm sure I'd fall in love if he would cross my path La, yes, if you could overlook the warts upon his nose And possibly persuade him he should take a bath Rumour has it he's Castillian He's a reckless buccaneer And I hear he carries several whips He's a sultan from Kabul with women at his fingertips They say he's nearly eight feet tall And yet quite graceful...all in all I'm told he waddles when he walks And often twitches when he talks Is he a dolt? He's very deep! Oh, England's losing sleep! Who is the Scarlet Pimpernel? The butcher in the village claims he saw the man last week Galloping his camel cross the moor He's been seen Wearing full Blakeney green I've told you all before The fellow's me It's George the Third Perhaps a convict run amok This Pimpernel could be most any sod Bite your tongue, he is dashing and young The Pimpernel's a god And he'll find me, and he'll wake me, and he'll take me Down on a haystack He'll face me Then at last you could tell If he's a hero or a monk, a fiddling Nero or a drunk Who is the Scarlet Pimpernel? I'm sure he's flatulant and crass Here, here, the man's a horse's ass No, no, he's neighbourly and kind But quite erotically inclined Whatever guise he may employ, He's England's pride and joy This plucky non-pareil This lucky, bloody swell Who is the Scarlet Pimpernel?
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