Rent script

Rent Script - Broadway musical

[All stage directions (sides) are from actors pov]
(At stage left looms a metal sculpture intended to represent: [a] a totem
pole/Christmas tree that stands in an abandoned lot, [b] a wood burning
stove with a snaky chimney that is at the centre of MARK and ROGER's
loft apartment, and [c] in Act II, a church steeple. On stage the
five-musician band performs under a wooden platform surrounded by
railing. The wooden platform has a staircase on the upstage side.)


ROGER DAVIS, carrying an electric guitar, enters upstage left and
crosses to a guitar amp sitting on a chair at centre stage. He casually
plugs his guitar into the amp and adjusts levels, then crosses downstage
and sits on the table.

After a few chords, the COMPANY, led by MARK COHEN, enters from
all directions and fills the stage. MARK sets up a small tripod and a
16mm movie camera downstage centre, aimed upstage. He addresses the
audience.)

MARK
We begin on Christmas Eve with me, Mark, and my roommate, Roger. We
live in an industrial loft on the corner of 11th street and Avenue B, the top
floor of what was once a music publishing factory. Old rock 'n' roll posters
hang on the walls. They have Roger's picture advertising gigs at CBGB's and
the Pyramid Club. We have an illegal wood burning stove; its exhaust pipe
crawls up to a skylight. All of our electrical appliances are plugged into one
thick extension cord, which snakes its way out a window. Outside, a small tent
city has sprung up in the lot next to our building. Inside, we are freezing
because we have no heat.

(He turns the camera to ROGER)

Smile!


TUNE UP #1

MARK
DECEMBER 24TH, NINE PM
EASTERN STANDARD TIME
FROM HERE ON IN
I SHOOT WITHOUT A SCRIPT
SEE IF ANYTHING COMES OF IT
INSTEAD OF MY OLD SHIT
FIRST SHOT -- ROGER
TUNING THE FENDER GUITAR
HE HASN'T PLAYED IN A YEAR

ROGER
This won't tune

MARK
SO WE HEAR
HE'S JUST COMING BACK
FROM HALF A YEAR OF WITHDRAWAL

ROGER
Are you talking to me?


MARK
NOT AT ALL
ARE YOU READY? HOLD THAT FOCUS -- STEADY
TELL THE FOLKS AT HOME WHAT YOU'RE DOING ROGER ...

ROGER
I'M WRITING ONE GREAT SONG --

MARK
The phone rings.

ROGER
Saved!

MARK
WE SCREEN
ZOOM IN ON THE ANSWERING MACHINE!

(An actor places a telephone on a chair and we see MARK'S MOM in a
special light.)


VOICE MAIL #1

ROGER & MARK'S OUTGOING MESSAGE
"Speak" ... ("Beeeep!")

MOM
THAT WAS A VERY LOUD BEEP
I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THIS IS WORKING
MARK -- MARK -- ARE YOU THERE
ARE YOU SCREENING YOUR CALLS --
IT'S MOM
WE WANTED TO CALL AND SAY WE LOVE YOU
AND WE'LL MISS YOU TOMORROW
CINDY AND THE KIDS ARE HERE -- SEND THEIR LOVE
OH, I HOPE YOU LIKE THE HOT PLATE
JUST DON'T LEAVE IT ON, DEAR
WHEN YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE
OH, AND MARK
WE'RE SORRY TO HEAR THAT MAUREEN DUMPED YOU
I SAY C'EST LA VIE
SO LET HER BE A LESBIAN...
THERE ARE OTHER FISHIES IN THE SEA
... LOVE MOM!

(Lights fade on MOM and answering machine.)


TUNE UP #2

MARK
TELL THE FOLKS AT HOME WHAT YOU'RE DOING ROGER

ROGER
I'M WRITING ONE GREAT SONG

MARK
The phone rings

ROGER
Yesss!

MARK
WE SCREEN

ROGER & MARK'S ANSWERING MACHINE
"Speak" ... ("Beeeep!")

(Lights fade up on the street: the front-door area of MARK and ROGER's
building. Nearby is a battered public pay phone. TOM COLLINS stands
at the phone.)

COLLINS
"CHESTNUTS ROASTING -"

ROGER & MARK
(as MARK picks up the phone)
Collins!

COLLINS
I'M DOWNSTAIRS

MARK
HEY!

COLLINS
ROGER PICKED UP THE PHONE?

MARK
NO, IT'S ME

COLLINS
THROW DOWN THE KEY

(MARK pulls out a small leather pouch and drops it off the apron
downstage centre as if from a window; a weighted leather pouch plops
down from "upstairs." COLLINS catches it.)

MARK
A WILD NIGHT IS NOW PRE-ORDAINED

(Two THUGS appear from above, with clubs. They are obviously close to
attacking COLLINS, who says back into the phone...)

COLLINS
I may be detained

(THUGS mime beating and kicking COLLINS, who falls to the ground as
lights on him fade)

MARK
What does he mean...?
(Phone rings again)
What do you mean, "detained"?

(Lights come up on BENNY, who's on a mobile phone.)

BENNY
Ho ho ho

MARK & ROGER
Benny! (Covering the phone) Shit

BENNY
Dudes, I'M ON MY WAY

MARK & ROGER
Great! (Covering the phone) Fuck

BENNY
I NEED THE RENT

MARK
What rent?

BENNY
THIS PAST YEAR'S RENT, WHICH I LET, SLIDE

MARK
Let slide? You said we were 'golden'

ROGER
WHEN YOU BOUGHT THE BUILDING

MARK
WHEN WE WERE ROOMMATES

ROGER
Remember - you lived here!?

BENNY
HOW COULD I FORGET?
YOU, ME, COLLINS AND MAUREEN
HOW IS THE DRAMA QUEEN?

MARK
She's performing tonight

BENNY
I know
STILL HER PRODUCTION MANAGER?

MARK
Two days ago I was bumped

BENNY
YOU STILL DATING HER?

MARK
Last month I was dumped

ROGER
SHE'S IN LOVE

BENNY
She's got a new man?

MARK
Well -- no

BENNY
What's his name?

MARK & ROGER
Joanne

BENNY
Rent, my amigos, is due
Or I will have to evict you
Be there in a few

(ROGER defiantly picks out Musetta's theme from Puccini's La Boheme
on the electric guitar. The fuse blows on the amp)

MARK
The power blows


RENT

(The COMPANY bursts into a flurry of movement. Then everyone except
MARK and ROGER freezes in a group upstage)

MARK
HOW DO YOU DOCUMENT REAL LIFE
WHEN REAL LIFE IS GETTING MORE
LIKE FICTION EACH DAY
HEADLINES -- BREAD-LINES
BLOW MY MIND
AND NOW THIS DEADLINE
"EVICTION -- OR PAY"
RENT!

ROGER
HOW DO YOU WRITE A SONG
WHEN THE CHORDS SOUND WRONG
THOUGH THEY ONCE SOUNDED RIGHT AND RARE
WHEN THE NOTES ARE SOUR
WHERE IS THE POWER
YOU ONCE HAD TO IGNITE THE AIR

MARK
AND WE'RE HUNGRY AND FROZEN

ROGER
SOME LIFE THAT WE'VE CHOSEN

TOGETHER
HOW WE GONNA PAY
HOW WE GONNA PAY
HOW WE GONNA PAY
LAST YEAR'S RENT

MARK
We light candles!

ROGER
HOW DO YOU START A FIRE
WHEN THERE'S NOTHING TO BURN
AND IT FEELS LIKE SOMETHING'S STUCK IN YOUR FLUE

MARK
HOW CAN YOU GENERATE HEAT
WHEN YOU CAN'T FEEL YOUR FEET

BOTH
AND THEY'RE TURNING BLUE!

MARK
YOU LIGHT UP A MEAN BLAZE

(ROGER grabs one of his own posters)

ROGER
WITH POSTERS-

(MARK grabs old manuscripts)

MARK
AND SCREENPLAYS

ROGER & MARK
HOW WE GONNA PAY
HOW WE GONNA PAY
HOW WE GONNA PAY
LAST YEAR'S RENT

(Lights go down on the loft and go up on JOANNE JEFFERSON, who's
at the pay phone)

JOANNE
(On phone)
DON'T SCREEN, MAUREEN
IT'S ME -- JOANNE
YOUR SUBSTITUTE PRODUCTION MANAGER
HEY HEY HEY! DID YOU EAT?
DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT MAUREEN
BUT DARLING -- YOU HAVEN'T EATEN ALL DAY
YOU WON'T THROW UP
YOU WON'T THROW UP
THE DIGITAL DELAY ---
DIDN'T BLOW UP (EXACTLY)
THERE MAY HAVE BEEN ONE TEENY TINY SPARK
YOU'RE NOT CALLING MARK

COLLINS
HOW DO YOU STAY ON YOUR FEET
WHEN ON EVERY STREET
IT'S 'TRICK OR TREAT'
AND TONIGHT IT'S 'TRICK'
'WELCOME BACK TO TOWN'
OH, I SHOULD LIE DOWN
EVERYTHING'S BROWN
AND UH -- OH
I FEEL SICK

MARK
(At the window)
WHERE IS HE?

COLLINS
GETTING DIZZY
(He collapses.)

MARK & ROGER
HOW WE GONNA PAY
HOW WE GONNA PAY
HOW WE GONNA PAY
LAST YEAR'S RENT

(MARK and ROGER stoke the fire. Crosscut to BENNY)



BENNY
(On mobile phone)
ALISON BABY -- YOU SOUND SAD
I DON'T BELIEVE THOSE TWO AFTER EVERYTHING I'VE DONE
EVER SINCE OUR WEDDING I'M DIRT -- THEY'LL SEE
I CAN HELP THEM ALL OUT IN THE LONG RUN

(Three locales: JOANNE at the pay phone, MARK and ROGER in their
loft, and COLLINS on the ground. The following is sung simultaneously)

BENNY
FORCES ARE GATHERING
FORCES ARE GATHERING
CAN'T TURN AWAY
FORCES ARE GATHERING

COLLINS
UGHHHHH--
UGHHHHH--
UGHHHHH-- I CAN'T THINK
UGHHHHH--
UGHHHHH--
UGHHHHH-- I NEED A DRINK

MARK (reading from a script page)
"THE MUSIC IGNITES THE NIGHT WITH PASSIONATE FIRE"

JOANNE
MAUREEN -- I'M NOT A THEATRE PERSON

ROGER
"THE NARRATION CRACKLES AND POPS WITH INCENDIARY WIT"

JOANNE
COULD NEVER BE A THEATRE PERSON

MARK
ZOOM IN AS THEY BURN THE PAST TO THE GROUND

JOANNE (realizing she's been cut off)
HELLO?

MARK & ROGER
AND FEEL THE HEAT OF THE FUTURE'S GLOW

JOANNE
HELLO?

(The phone rings in the loft. MARK picks it up)

MARK
(On phone)
HELLO? MAUREEN?
--YOUR EQUIPMENT WON'T WORK?
OKAY, ALL RIGHT, I'LL GO!

MARK & HALF THE COMPANY
HOW DO YOU LEAVE THE PAST BEHIND
WHEN IT KEEPS FINDING WAYS TO GET TO YOUR HEART
IT REACHES WAY DOWN DEEP AND TEARS YOU INSIDE OUT
TILL YOU'RE TORN APART
RENT!

ROGER & OTHER HALF OF COMPANY
HOW CAN YOU CONNECT IN AN AGE
WHERE STRANGERS, LANDLORDS, LOVERS
YOUR OWN BLOOD CELLS BETRAY

ALL
WHAT BINDS THE FABRIC TOGETHER
WHEN THE RAGING, SHIFTING WINDS OF CHANGE
KEEP RIPPING AWAY

BENNY
DRAW A LINE IN THE SAND
AND THEN MAKE A STAND

ROGER
USE YOUR CAMERA TO SPAR

MARK
USE YOUR GUITAR

ALL
WHEN THEY ACT TOUGH - YOU CALL THEIR BLUFF

MARK & ROGER
WE'RE NOT GONNA PAY

MARK & ROGER W/HALF THE COMPANY
WE'RE NOT GONNA PAY

MARK & ROGER W/OTHER HALF OF COMPANY
WE'RE NOT GONNA PAY

ALL
LAST YEAR'S RENT
THIS YEAR'S RENT
NEXT YEAR'S RENT
RENT RENT RENT RENT RENT
WE'RE NOT GONNA PAY RENT

ROGER & MARK
'CAUSE EVERYTHING IS RENT
(ALL exit)


YOU OKAY HONEY? (The street)

(The street in front of the pay phone. A HOMELESS MAN appears above
on the right. Across the stage, ANGEL DUMOTT SCHUNARD is seated
on the Christmas tree sculpture, with a plastic pickle tub balanced like a
drum between his knees)

A HOMELESS MAN
CHRISTMAS BELLS ARE RINGING
CHRISTMAS BELLS ARE RINGING
CHRISTMAS BELLS ARE RINGING
SOMEWHERE ELSE!
Not here

(The HOMELESS MAN exits. ANGEL gets a good beat going on the tub,
but is interrupted by a moan. He starts to drum again and sees COLLINS
limp to downstage-left proscenium)


ANGEL
YOU OKAY HONEY?

COLLINS
I'M AFRAID SO

ANGEL
THEY GET ANY MONEY?

COLLINS
No
Had none to get
BUT THEY PURLOINED MY COAT
WELL YOU MISSED A SLEEVE! (ANGEL holds out a handkerchief) Thanks.

ANGEL
HELL, IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE
I'M ANGEL

COLLINS
ANGEL..? (Looking up at ANGEL) Indeed
AN ANGEL OF THE FIRST DEGREE
Friends call me Collins - Tom Collins (they shake hands)
NICE TREE..

ANGEL
LET'S GET A BAND-AID FOR YOUR KNEE
I'll change, THERE'S A "LIFE SUPPORT" MEETING AT NINE-THIRTY
YES THIS BODY PROVIDES A COMFORTABLE HOME
FOR THE ACQUIRED IMMUNE DEFICIENCY SYNDROME

COLLINS
AS DOES MINE

ANGEL
WE'LL GET ALONG FINE
GET YOU A COAT, HAVE A BITE
MAKE A NIGHT I'm flush

COLLINS
My friends are waiting

ANGEL
You're cute when you blush
THE MORE THE MERRI HO HO HO
And I do not take no

(ANGEL pulls COLLINS off stage right.)


TUNE UP #3 (The loft)

(Lights come up on loft. Enter MARK and ROGER, who now has an acoustic guitar)

ROGER
Where are you going?

MARK
Maureen calls.

ROGER
You're such a sucker!

MARK
I don't suppose you'd like to see her show in the lot tonight?
(ROGER shrugs)
Or come to dinner?

ROGER
Zoom in on my empty wallet

MARK
Touche. Take your AZT
CLOSE ON ROGER
HIS GIRLFRIEND APRIL
LEFT A NOTE SAYING "WE'VE GOT AIDS"
BEFORE SLITTING HER WRISTS IN THE BATHROOM
I'll check up on you later - Change your mind. You have to get out of the
house.
(He exits)

ROGER
I'm writing one great song before I. (picks out Musseta?s waltz before getting frustrated and slamming down his guitar on the table)


ONE SONG GLORY

ONE SONG
GLORY
ONE SONG
BEFORE I GO
GLORY
ONE SONG TO LEAVE BEHIND
FIND ONE SONG
ONE LAST REFRAIN
GLORY
FROM THE PRETTY BOY FRONT MAN
WHO WASTED OPPORTUNITY
ONE SONG
HE HAD THE WORLD AT HIS FEET
GLORY
IN THE EYES OF A YOUNG GIRL
A YOUNG GIRL
FIND GLORY
BEYOND THE CHEAP COLOURED LIGHTS
ONE SONG
BEFORE THE SUN SETS
GLORY - ON ANOTHER EMPTY LIFE
TIME FLIES - TIME DIES
GLORY - ONE BLAZE OF GLORY
ONE BLAZE OF GLORY - GLORY
FIND
GLORY
IN A SONG THAT RINGS TRUE
TRUTH LIKE A BLAZING FIRE
AN ETERNAL FLAME
FIND
ONE SONG
A SONG ABOUT LOVE
GLORY
FROM THE SOUL OF A YOUNG MAN
A YOUNG MAN
FIND
THE ONE SONG
BEFORE THE VIRUS TAKES HOLD
GLORY
LIKE A SUNSET
ONE SONG
TO REDEEM THIS EMPTY LIFE
TIME FLIES
AND THEN - NO NEED TO ENDURE ANYMORE
TIME DIES
(ROGER is interrupted by a sharp knock on the door. It is MIMI
MARQUEZ, a beautiful stranger from downstairs)
The door

(ROGER crosses to the door)


LIGHT MY CANDLE

ROGER
What'd you forget?

(MIMI enters, holding a candle and looking for a match; her electricity is
down, too)

MIMI
GOT A LIGHT?

ROGER
I KNOW YOU? YOU'RE
YOU'RE SHIVERING

MIMI
IT'S NOTHING
THEY TURNED OFF MY HEAT
AND I'M JUST A LITTLE
WEAK ON MY FEET
WOULD YOU LIGHT MY CANDLE?
WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT?

ROGER
NOTHING
YOUR HAIR IN THE MOONLIGHT
YOU LOOK FAMILIAR
(He lights her candle. MIMI starts to leave, but stumbles)
CAN YOU MAKE IT?

MIMI
JUST HAVEN'T EATEN MUCH TODAY
AT LEAST THE ROOM STOPPED SPINNING
ANYWAY, WHAT?

ROGER
NOTHING
YOUR SMILE REMINDED ME OF

MIMI
I ALWAYS REMIND PEOPLE OF WHO IS SHE?

ROGER
SHE DIED, HER NAME WAS APRIL

(MIMI discreetly blows out the candle)


MIMI
IT'S OUT AGAIN
SORRY ABOUT YOUR FRIEND
WOULD YOU LIGHT MY CANDLE?

(ROGER lights the candle. They linger, awkwardly)

ROGER
Well-

MIMI
Yeah. Ow!

ROGER
OH, THE WAX IT'S --

MIMI
DRIPPING! I LIKE IT -- BETWEEN MY ? (tries to get closer to Roger who steps away abruptly)

ROGER
FINGERS. I FIGURED...
OH, WELL. GOODNIGHT
(MIMI starts to exit, blowing the candle out on her way. ROGER heads back toward his guitar on the table. MIMI knocks, ROGER answers)
IT BLEW OUT AGAIN?

MIMI
NO - I THINK THAT I DROPPED MY STASH

ROGER
I KNOW I'VE SEEN YOU OUT AND ABOUT
WHEN I USED TO GO OUT
YOUR CANDLE'S OUT

MIMI
I'M ILLIN'
I HAD IT WHEN I WALKED IN THE DOOR
IT WAS PURE
IS IT ON THE FLOOR?

ROGER
The floor?

(MIMI gets down on all fours and starts searching the floor for her stash.
She looks back at ROGER, who is staring at her again)

MIMI
THEY SAY I HAVE THE BEST ASS BELOW 14TH STREET
IS IT TRUE?

ROGER
What?

MIMI
YOU'RE STARING AGAIN

ROGER
OH NO
I MEAN YOU DO - have a nice- (MIMI stands up and looks at him)
I mean, YOU LOOK FAMILIAR

MIMI
LIKE YOUR DEAD GIRLFRIEND?

ROGER (sitting on the edge of the table)
ONLY WHEN YOU SMILE
BUT I'M SURE I'VE SEEN YOU SOMEWHERE ELSE

MIMI (crouching back down to look)
DO YOU GO TO THE CAT SCRATCH CLUB?
THAT'S WHERE I WORK - I DANCE - HELP ME LOOK

ROGER
Yes!
THEY USED TO TIE YOU UP-

MIMI
IT'S A LIVING

ROGER
I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU
WITHOUT THE HANDCUFFS

MIMI (standing back up and walking over to ROGER)
WE COULD LIGHT THE CANDLE
OH WON'T YOU LIGHT THE CANDLE?

(ROGER lights it again.)

ROGER
WHY DON'T YOU FORGET THAT STUFF
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE SIXTEEN

MIMI
I'M NINETEEN BUT I'M OLD FOR MY AGE (getting down on all fours again and searching under the table whilst ROGER stands behind her watching)
I'M JUST BORN TO BE BAD

ROGER
I ONCE WAS BORN TO BE BAD
I USED TO SHIVER LIKE THAT

MIMI
I HAVE NO HEAT - I TOLD YOU

ROGER
I USED TO SWEAT

MIMI
I GOT A COLD

ROGER
UH HUH
I USED TO BE A JUNKIE

MIMI (standing up and facing him, defensively)
BUT NOW AND THEN I LIKE TO

ROGER
UH HUH

MIMI
FEEL GOOD (starting to look again)

ROGER
Here it - um

(ROGER stoops and picks up a small object: MIMI's stash)

MIMI (turning to look at him)
What's that?

ROGER
It's a candy bar wrapper

(ROGER puts it behind his back and into his pocket and walks away)

MIMI (getting up and walking over to him)
WE COULD LIGHT THE CANDLE

(ROGER discreetly blows out the candle)

MIMI
WHAT'D YOU DO WITH MY CANDLE?

ROGER (sitting on the table)
THAT WAS MY LAST MATCH

MIMI (sits next to him)
OUR EYES'LL ADJUST, THANK GOD FOR THE MOON

ROGER
MAYBE IT'S NOT THE MOON AT ALL
I HEAR SPIKE LEE'S SHOOTING DOWN THE STREET

MIMI
BAH HUMBUG ... BAH HUMBUG

(MIMI places her hand under his, pretending to do it by accident)

ROGER
Cold hands

MIMI
YOURS TOO
BIG. LIKE MY FATHER'S
YOU WANNA DANCE? (Grabbing his hand and pulling him up)

ROGER
With you?

MIMI (sarcastically)
NO -- WITH MY FATHER

ROGER
I'M ROGER

MIMI
THEY CALL ME
THEY CALL ME MIMI

(They dance whilst MIMI sings her lines. Whilst dancing, they get close to kissing. MIMI reaches into ROGER?s back pocket and pulls out her stash. After finishing her lines, she pushes him away and waves the packet in his face before strutting out. Lights down. Exit ROGER)




VOICE MAIL #2

(JOANNE's loft. In blackout another phone rings. We see MAUREEN in
silhouette)

MAUREEN
Hi. You've reached Maureen and Joanne. Leave a message and don't forget
"Over the Moon" -- My performance, protesting the eviction of the Homeless
(and artists) from the Eleventh Street Lot. Tonight at midnight in the lot
between A and B. Party at Life Cafe to follow (BEEP)

MR. JEFFERSON
WELL, JOANNE -- WE'RE OFF
I TRIED YOU AT THE OFFICE
AND THEY SAID YOU'RE STAGE MANAGING OR SOMETHING

MRS. JEFFERSON
Remind her that those unwed mothers in Harlem
Need her legal help too

MR. JEFFERSON
CALL DAISY FOR OUR ITINERARY OR ALFRED AT POUND RIDGE
OR EILEEN AT THE STATE DEPARTMENT IN A PINCH
WE'LL BE AT THE SPA FOR NEW YEAR'S
UNLESS THE SENATOR CHANGES HIS MIND

MRS. JEFFERSON
The hearings

MR. JEFFERSON
Oh yes Kitten
MUMMY'S CONFIRMATION HEARING BEGINS ON THE TENTH
WE'LL NEED YOU ALONE - BY THE SIXTH

MRS. JEFFERSON
Harold!

MR. JEFFERSON
YOU HEAR THAT?
IT'S THREE WEEKS AWAY
AND SHE'S ALREADY NERVOUS

MRS. JEFFERSON
I AM NOT!

MR. JEFFERSON
FOR MUMMY'S SAKE, KITTEN
NO DOC MARTENS THIS TIME AND WEAR A DRESS
OH, AND KITTEN -- HAVE A MERRY

MRS. JEFFERSON
AND A BRA
(Exit)


TODAY 4 U (The loft)

(MARK and ROGER's loft. ROGER sits on the table with his guitar. Mark stands downstage centre before joining him.)

MARK
Enter Tom Collins, computer genius, teacher, vagabond anarchist, who ran
naked through the Parthenon

(COLLINS carries ANGEL's pickle tub, now filled with provisions)


MARK & COLLINS
BUSTELO - MARLBORO
BANANA BY THE BUNCH
A BOX OF CAPTAIN CRUNCH WILL TASTE SO GOOD

COLLINS
AND FIREWOOD

MARK
LOOK - IT'S SANTA CLAUS

COLLINS
Hold your applause

ROGER
Oh hi

COLLINS
'Oh hi' after seven months?

ROGER
Sorry

COLLINS
This boy could use some Stoli

COLLINS & MARK
OH HOLY NIGHT

ROGER
YOU STRUCK GOLD AT M.I.T?

COLLINS
THEY EXPELLED ME FOR MY THEORY OF ACTUAL REALITY
WHICH I'LL SOON IMPART
TO THE COUCH POTATOES AT NEW YORK UNIVERSITY
STILL HAVEN'T LEFT THE HOUSE?

ROGER
I WAS WAITING FOR YOU, DON'T YOU KNOW?

COLLINS
WELL, TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT
COME TO THE LIFE CAFE AFTER MAUREEN'S SHOW

ROGER
No flow

COLLINS
GENTLEMEN, OUR BENEFACTOR ON THIS CHRISTMAS EVE
WHOSE CHARITY IS ONLY MATCHED BY TALENT, I BELIEVE
A NEW MEMBER OF THE ALPHABET CITY AVANT-GARDE
ANGEL DUMOTT SCHUNARD!

(ANGEL sashays in. He's gorgeously done up in Santa drag, with a fan of
twenty-dollar bills in each hand. He hands one to ROGER and one to MARK)

ANGEL
Today for you - tomorrow for me
TODAY FOR YOU - TOMORROW FOR ME


COLLINS
And you should hear her beat!

MARK
You earned this on the street?

ANGEL
IT WAS MY LUCKY DAY TODAY ON AVENUE A
WHEN A LADY IN A LIMOUSINE DROVE MY WAY
SHE SAID, "DAHLING BE A DEAR HAVEN'T SLEPT IN A YEAR
I NEED YOUR HELP TO MAKE MY NEIGHBOR'S YAPPY DOG DISAPPEAR"
"THIS AKITA-EVITA JUST WON'T SHUT UP
I BELIEVE IF YOU PLAY NON-STOP THAT PUP
WILL BREATHE ITS VERY LAST HIGH-STRUNG BREATH
I'M CERTAIN THAT CUR WILL BARK ITSELF TO DEATH"
TODAY FOR YOU - TOMORROW FOR ME
TODAY FOR YOU - TOMORROW FOR ME
WE AGREED ON A FEE - A THOUSAND DOLLAR GUARANTEE
TAX-FREE - AND A BONUS IF I TRIM HER TREE
NOW WHO COULD FORETELL THAT IT WOULD GO SO WELL
BUT SURE AS I AM HERE THAT DOG IS NOW IN DOGGY HELL
AFTER AN HOUR - EVITA - IN ALL HER GLORY
ON THE WINDOW LEDGE OF THAT 23RD STORY
LIKE THELMA & LOUISE DID WHEN THEY GOT THE BLUES
SWAN DOVE INTO THE COURTYARD OF THE GRACIE MEWS
TODAY FOR YOU - TOMORROW FOR ME
TODAY FOR YOU - TOMORROW FOR ME

(ANGEL does a fabulous drum and dance solo)

THEN BACK TO THE STREET WHERE I MET MY SWEET
WHERE HE WAS MOANING AND GROANING ON THE COLD CONCRETE
THE NURSE TOOK HIM HOME FOR SOME MERCUROCHROME
AND I DRESSED HIS WOUNDS AND GOT HIM BACK ON HIS FEET
SING IT!
TODAY FOR YOU - TOMORROW FOR ME
TODAY FOR YOU - TOMORROW FOR ME
TODAY FOR YOU - TOMORROW FOR ME
TODAY FOR YOU - TOMORROW FOR ME


YOU'LL SEE

(BENNY enters)

BENNY
JOY TO THE WORLD
Hey, you bum yeah, you, move over
Get your ass off that range rover!

MARK
That attitude toward the homeless is just what
Maureen is protesting tonight.
(Holding camera up to BENNY)
Close up: Benjamin Coffin the third, our ex-roommate who married Alison
Grey, of the Westport Greys - then bought the building and the lot next door
from his father-in-law in hopes of starting a cyber-studio

BENNY
MAUREEN IS PROTESTING
LOSING HER PERFORMANCE SPACE
NOT MY ATTITUDE

ROGER
WHAT HAPPENED TO BENNY
WHAT HAPPENED TO HIS HEART
AND THE IDEALS HE ONCE PURSUED?

BENNY
THE OWNER OF THAT LOT NEXT DOOR
HAS A RIGHT TO DO WITH IT AS HE PLEASES

COLLINS
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESUS!

BENNY
THE RENT

MARK
YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME

ROGER
WE'RE BROKE

MARK
AND YOU BROKE YOUR WORD - this is absurd

BENNY
THERE IS ONE WAY YOU WON'T HAVE TO PAY

ROGER
I knew it!

BENNY
NEXT DOOR, THE HOME OF CYBERARTS, YOU SEE
AND NOW THAT THE BLOCK IS RE-ZONED
OUR DREAM CAN BECOME A REALITY
YOU'LL SEE BOYS
YOU'LL SEE BOYS
A STATE OF THE ART, DIGITAL, VIRTUAL INTERACTIVE STUDIO
I'LL FOREGO YOUR RENT AND ON PAPER GUARANTEE
THAT YOU CAN STAY HERE FOR FREE
IF YOU DO ME ONE SMALL FAVOR

MARK
What?

BENNY
Convince Maureen to cancel her protest

MARK
Why not just get an injunction or call the cops

BENNY
I did, and they're on stand by
BUT MY INVESTORS WOULD RATHER
I HANDLE THIS QUIETLY

ROGER
You can't quietly wipe out an entire tent city
Then watch 'It's a Wonderful Life' on TV!

BENNY
YOU WANT TO PRODUCE FILMS AND WRITE SONGS?
YOU NEED SOMEWHERE TO DO IT!
IT'S WHAT WE USED TO DREAM ABOUT
THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU POOH-POOH IT
YOU'LL SEE BOYS
YOU'LL SEE BOYS
YOU'LL SEE - THE BEAUTY OF A STUDIO
THAT LETS US DO OUR WORK AND GET PAID
WITH CONDOS ON THE TOP
WHOSE RENT KEEPS OPEN OUR SHOP
JUST STOP THE PROTEST
AND YOU'LL HAVE IT MADE
YOU'LL SEE - or you'll pack

(BENNY exits)

ANGEL
That boy could use some prozac

ROGER
Or heavy drugs

MARK
Or group hugs

COLLINS
Which reminds me
We have a detour to make tonight
Anyone who wants to can come along

ANGEL
Life support's a group for people coping with life
You don't have to stay too long

MARK
FIRST I'VE GOT A PROTEST TO SAVE

ANGEL
Roger?

ROGER
I'm not much company you'll find

MARK
Behave

ANGEL
He'll catch up later - He's just go other things on his mind
YOU'LL SEE BOYS

MARK & COLLINS (sitting either side of ROGER and pushing him playfully)
WE'LL SEE BOYS

ROGER (steps away with his guitar)
LET IT BE BOYS!

COLLINS
I LIKE BOYS

ANGEL
BOYS LIKE ME (ANGEL and COLLINS exit with linked arms followed by MARK)

ALL
WE'LL SEE

(MARK turns back around. Lights out on ROGER, a spot follows MARK)

TANGO: MAUREEN

(Lights up. The lot. JOANNE is reexamining the cable connections for the
umpteenth time)

MARK
And so into the abyss...The lot. Where a small stage is partially set up

JOANNE
(playing with some wires)
"Line in"...
I went to Harvard for this?

MARK
Close on Mark's nose dive

JOANNE
"Line out"...

MARK
Will he get out of here alive...?

(JOANNE notices MARK approaching)

JOANNE
Mark?

MARK
Hi

JOANNE
I TOLD HER NOT TO CALL YOU

MARK
THAT'S MAUREEN
BUT CAN I HELP SINCE I'M HERE

JOANNE
I?ve hired an engineer

MARK
Great!
Well, nice to have met you (turns to leave)

JOANNE
Wait!
She's three hours late
THE SAMPLES WON'T DELAY
BUT THE CABLE

MARK
THERE'S ANOTHER WAY
SAY SOMETHING - ANYTHING

JOANNE (into the mike)
TEST - ONE, TWO THREE

MARK
ANYTHING BUT THAT

JOANNE
THIS IS WEIRD

MARK
IT'S WEIRD

JOANNE
VERY WEIRD

MARK
FUCKIN' WEIRD

JOANNE
I'M SO MAD
THAT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
FIGHTING WITH MICROPHONES
FREEZING DOWN TO MY BONES
AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF
I'M WITH YOU

MARK
FEEL LIKE GOING INSANE?
GOT A FIRE IN YOUR BRAIN?
AND YOU'RE THINKING OF DRINKING GASOLINE?

JOANNE
AS A MATTER OF FACT

MARK
HONEY, I KNOW THIS ACT
IT'S CALLED THE 'TANGO MAUREEN'
THE TANGO MAUREEN
IT'S A DARK, DIZZY MERRY-GO-ROUND
AS SHE KEEPS YOU DANGLING

JOANNE
You're wrong

MARK
YOUR HEART SHE IS MANGLING

JOANNE
It's different with me

MARK
AND YOU TOSS AND YOU TURN
'CAUSE HER COLD EYES CAN BURN
YET YOU YEARN AND YOU CHURN AND REBOUND

JOANNE
I THINK I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN

BOTH
THE TANGO MAUREEN

MARK
HAS SHE EVER POUTED HER LIPS
AND CALLED YOU 'POOKIE'

JOANNE
Never

MARK
HAVE YOU EVER DOUBTED A KISS OR TWO?

JOANNE
THIS IS SPOOKY
DID YOU SWOON WHEN SHE WALKED THROUGH THE DOOR?

MARK
EVERY TIME - SO BE CAUTIOUS

JOANNE
DID SHE MOON OVER OTHER BOYS?

MARK
MORE THAN MOON

JOANNE
I'M GETTING NAUSEOUS
(They begin to dance, with MARK leading)

MARK
Where'd you learn to tango?

JOANNE
With the French Ambassador's daughter in her dorm room at Miss Porter's
And you?

MARK
With Nanette Himmelfarb. The Rabbi's daughter at the Scarsdale Jewish
Community Centre

(They switch, and JOANNE leads)

It's hard to do this backwards

JOANNE
You should try it in heels!
SHE CHEATED

MARK
SHE CHEATED

JOANNE
MAUREEN CHEATED

MARK
FUCKIN' CHEATED

JOANNE
I'M DEFEATED
I SHOULD GIVE UP RIGHT NOW

MARK
GOTTA LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE
WITH ALL OF YOUR MIGHT

JOANNE
I'D FALL FOR HER STILL ANYHOW

BOTH
WHEN YOU'RE DANCING HER DANCE
YOU DON'T STAND A CHANCE
HER GRIP OF ROMANCE
MAKE YOU FALL


MARK
SO YOU THINK, 'MIGHT AS WELL'

JOANNE
"DANCE A TANGO TO HELL"

BOTH
AT LEAST I'LL HAVE TANGOED AT ALL
THE TANGO MAUREEN
GOTTA DANCE TILL YOUR DIVA IS THROUGH
YOU PRETEND TO BELIEVE HER
CAUSE IN THE END YOU CAN'T LEAVE HER
BUT THE END IT WILL COME
STILL YOU HAVE TO PLAY DUMB
TILL YOU'RE GLUM AND YOU BUM
AND TURN BLUE

MARK
WHY DO WE LOVE WHEN SHE'S MEAN?

JOANNE
AND SHE CAN BE SO OBSCENE

MARK
TRY THE MIKE

JOANNE
MY MAUREEN (reverb: een, een, een...)

MARK
Patched

JOANNE
Thanks

MARK
You know I feel great now!

JOANNE
I feel lousy
(The pay phone rings. MARK hands it to JOANNE)
Honey, we're... (Pause) Pookie?!
You never call me Pookie... (MARK laughs at her. He abruptly covers his mouth with his scarf when she looks at him.)
Forget it, we're patched
(She hangs up, looks at MARK)

BOTH
THE TANGO MAUREEN
(Lights down. Exit JOANNE and MARK. ROGER remains sitting on the table with his guitar and his back to the audience.)


LIFE SUPPORT

(ANGEL and COLLINS attend an AIDS Life Support group. PAUL, the
support leader, sits on the downstage railing above. GORDON, one of
the members of the group, is standing downstage left, facing the
audience. As the members enter, they introduce themselves and form a
semicircle. Note: The names of the support group members should
change every night and should honour actual friends of the company who
have died of AIDS)

STEVE
Steve

GORDON
Gordon

ALI
Ali

PAM
Pam

LISA
Lisa

ANGEL
Hi, I'm Angel

COLLINS
Tom. Collins

PAUL
I'm Paul. Let's begin

ALL
THERE'S ONLY US
THERE'S ONLY THIS..

(MARK blusters in noisily)

MARK
SORRY ... EXCUSE ME ... OOPS

PAUL
And you are?

MARK
OH - I'M NOT
I'M JUST HERE TO
I DON'T HAVE
I'M HERE WITH
UM - MARK
MARK - I'M MARK
WELL - THIS IS QUITE AN OPERATION

PAUL
Sit down Mark
We'll continue the affirmation

ALL
FORGET REGRET OR LIFE IS YOURS TO MISS

GORDON
EXCUSE ME PAUL - I'M HAVING A PROBLEM WITH THIS
THIS CREDO - MY T-CELLS ARE LOW
I REGRET THAT NEWS, OKAY?

PAUL
Alright
But Gordon - HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?

GORDON
What do you mean?

PAUL
HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?

GORDON
Okay

PAUL
Is that all?

GORDON
BEST I'VE FELT ALL YEAR

PAUL
THEN WHY CHOOSE FEAR?

GORDON
I'm a New Yorker
FEAR'S MY LIFE
LOOK - I FIND SOME OF WHAT YOU TEACH SUSPECT
BECAUSE I'M USED TO RELYING ON INTELLECT
BUT I TRY TO OPEN UP TO WHAT I DON'T KNOW

GORDON & ROGER (who sings from his loft)
BECAUSE REASON SAYS I SHOULD HAVE DIED
THREE YEARS AGO

ALL (except ROGER)
NO OTHER ROAD
NO OTHER WAY
NO DAY BUT TODAY
(Lights down on the support group. Lights up on MIMI)

OUT TONIGHT (Mimi's apartment)

MIMI
WHAT'S THE TIME?
WELL IT'S GOTTA BE CLOSE TO MIDNIGHT
MY BODY'S TALKING TO ME
IT SAYS, "TIME FOR DANGER"
IT SAYS "I WANNA COMMIT A CRIME
WANNA BE THE CAUSE OF A FIGHT
WANNA PUT ON A TIGHT SKIRT AND FLIRT
WITH A STRANGER"
I'VE HAD A KNACK FROM WAY BACK
AT BREAKING THE RULES ONCE I LEARN THE GAMES
GET UP - LIFE'S TOO QUICK
I KNOW SOMEPLACE SICK
WHERE THIS CHICK'LL DANCE IN THE FLAMES
WE DON'T NEED ANY MONEY
I ALWAYS GET IN FOR FREE
YOU CAN GET IN TOO
IF YOU GET IN WITH ME

LET'S GO OUT TONIGHT
I HAVE TO GO OUT TONIGHT
YOU WANNA PLAY?
LET'S RUN AWAY
WE WON'T BE BACK BEFORE IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY
TAKE ME OUT TONIGHT (MEOW)

WHEN I GET A WINK FROM THE DOORMAN
DO YOU KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU'LL BE?
THAT YOU'RE ON LINE WITH THE FELINE OF AVENUE B

LET'S GO OUT TONIGHT
I HAVE TO GO OUT TONIGHT
YOU WANNA PROWL
BE MY NIGHT OWL?
WELL TAKE MY HAND WE'RE GONNA HOWL
OUT TONIGHT

IN THE EVENING I'VE GOT TO ROAM
CAN'T SLEEP IN THE CITY OF NEON AND CHROME
FEELS TOO DAMN MUCH LIKE HOME
WHEN THE SPANISH BABIES CRY
SO LET'S FIND A BAR
SO DARK WE FORGET WHO WE ARE
AND ALL THE SCARS FROM THE
NEVERS AND MAYBES DIE

LET'S GO OUT TONIGHT
HAVE TO GO OUT TONIGHT
YOU'RE SWEET
WANNA HIT THE STREET?
WANNA WAIL AT THE MOON LIKE A CAT IN HEAT?
JUST TAKE ME OUT TONIGHT

(MIMI makes her way to ROGER's door and ends the song in front of
him.)

PLEASE TAKE ME OUT TONIGHT
DON'T FORSAKE ME - OUT TONIGHT
I'LL LET YOU MAKE ME - OUT TONIGHT
TONIGHT - TONIGHT ? TONIGHT


ANOTHER DAY

(The loft ? MIMI kisses ROGER, who recoils)

ROGER
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
BARGING IN ON ME AND MY GUITAR
LITTLE GIRL HEY
THE DOOR IS THAT WAY
YOU BETTER GO YOU KNOW
THE FIRE'S OUT ANYWAY
TAKE YOUR POWDER TAKE YOUR CANDLE
YOUR SWEET WHISPER
I JUST CAN'T HANDLE
WELL TAKE YOUR HAIR IN THE MOONLIGHT
YOUR BROWN EYES GOODBYE, GOODNIGHT
I SHOULD TELL YOU I SHOULD TELL YOU
I SHOULD TELL YOU I SHOULD (she places a hand on his shoulder) NO!
ANOTHER TIME ANOTHER PLACE
OUR TEMPERATURE WOULD CLIMB
THERE'D BE A LONG EMBRACE
WE'D DO ANOTHER DANCE
IT'D BE ANOTHER PLAY
LOOKING FOR ROMANCE?
COME BACK ANOTHER DAY
ANOTHER DAY

MIMI
THE HEART MAY FREEZE OR IT CAN BURN
THE PAIN WILL EASE IF I CAN LEARN
THERE IS NO FUTURE
THERE IS NO PAST
I LIVE THIS MOMENT AS MY LAST
THERE'S ONLY US
THERE'S ONLY THIS
FORGET REGRET
OR LIFE IS YOURS TO MISS
NO OTHER ROAD
NO OTHER WAY
NO DAY BUT TODAY

ROGER
EXCUSE ME IF I'M OFF TRACK
BUT IF YOU'RE SO WISE
THEN TELL ME WHY DO YOU NEED SMACK?
TAKE YOUR NEEDLE
TAKE YOUR FANCY PRAYER
AND DON'T FORGET
GET THE MOONLIGHT OUT OF YOUR HAIR
LONG AGO YOU MIGHT'VE LIT UP MY HEART
BUT THE FIRE'S DEAD AIN'T NEVER EVER GONNA START
ANOTHER TIME ANOTHER PLACE
THE WORDS WOULD ONLY RHYME
WE'D BE IN OUTER SPACE
IT'D BE ANOTHER SONG
WE'D SING ANOTHER WAY
YOU WANNA PROVE ME WRONG?
COME BACK ANOTHER DAY
ANOTHER DAY

MIMI
THERE'S ONLY US
ONLY TONIGHT
WE MUST LET GO
TO KNOW WHAT'S RIGHT
NO OTHER COURSE
NO OTHER WAY
NO DAY BUT TODAY

(Lights slowly fade up on the Life Support group)

MIMI & OTHERS (ROGER (to himself, talking out loud))
I CAN'T CONTROL (CONTROL YOUR TEMPER)
MY DESTINY (SHE DOESN'T SEE)
I TRUST MY SOUL (WHO SAYS THAT THERE'S A SOUL?)
MY ONLY GOAL IS JUST (approaching MIMI who tries to take his hands)
TO BE (JUST LET ME BE)
THERE'S ONLY NOW (WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?)
THERE'S ONLY HERE (BARGING IN ON ME AND MY GUITAR)
GIVE IN TO LOVE
OR LIVE IN FEAR (LITTLE GIRL, HEY)
NO OTHER PATH (THE DOOR IS THAT WAY)
NO OTHER WAY

MIMI
NO DAY BUT TODAY

ROGER
THE FIRE?S OUT ANYWAY

ALL (ROGER)
NO DAY BUT TODAY (TAKE YOUR POWDER, TAKE YOUR CANDLE)
NO DAY BUT TODAY (TAKE YOUR BROWN EYES, YOUR PRETTY SMILE, YOUR SILHOUETTE)
NO DAY BUT TODAY (ANOTHER TIME, ANOTHER PLACE, ANOTHER RHYME, A WARM EMBRACE)
NO DAY BUT TODAY (ANOTHER DANCE, ANOTHER WAY, ANOTHER CHANCE, ANOTHER DAY)
NO DAY BUT TODAY


(MIMI and the Life Support group members exit. One person, STEVE,
remains at stage right, above)

ROGER
I?M WRITING ONE GREAT SONG BEFORE I?


WILL I?

(Various locations. Wen each character begins to sing, they appear on various places on the stage. COMPANY form each group)

STEVE
WILL I LOSE MY DIGNITY
WILL SOMEONE CARE
WILL I WAKE TOMORROW
FROM THIS NIGHTMARE?

GROUP #1
WILL I LOSE MY DIGNITY
WILL SOMEONE CARE
WILL I WAKE TOMORROW
FROM THIS NIGHTMARE?

GROUP #2 and ROGER
WILL I LOSE MY DIGNITY
WILL SOMEONE CARE
WILL I WAKE TOMORROW
FROM THIS NIGHTMARE?

GROUP #3, MARK and JOANNE
WILL I LOSE MY DIGNITY
WILL SOMEONE CARE
WILL I WAKE TOMORROW
FROM THIS NIGHTMARE?

GROUP #4, ANGEL and COLLINS, MIMI (in her apartment)
WILL I LOSE MY DIGNITY
WILL SOMEONE CARE
WILL I WAKE TOMORROW
FROM THIS NIGHTMARE?

(ROGER puts on his jacket and exits the loft)


ON THE STREET

(Company take on the roles of homeless people. MARK, COLLINS and ANGEL remain on stage in between the crowd)

THREE HOMELESS PEOPLE
CHRISTMAS BELLS ARE RINGING
CHRISTMAS BELLS ARE RINGING
CHRISTMAS BELLS ARE RINGING
OUT OF TOWN
SANTA FE

SQUEEGEEMAN
Honest living, man

(He recoils as though he's almost been run over by a car)

Feliz Navidad

(Three POLICE OFFICERS, in full riot gear, enter and approach
sleeping BLANKET PERSON - The FIRST OFFICER pokes her with a
nightstick)

HOMELESS PERSON
Evening, officers

(Without answering, the FIRST OFFICER raises his nightstick again)

MARK (pointing his camera)
Smile for Ted Koppel, Officer Martin

(The FIRST OFFICER lowers his stick)

HOMELESS PERSON
AND A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOUR FAMILY

POLICE OFFICERS
Right

(The POLICE OFFICERS stride offstage. MARK continues to film
BLANKET PERSON)

BLANKET PERSON (To MARK)
WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
I DON'T NEED NO GODDAMN HELP
FROM SOME BLEEDING HEART CAMERAMAN
MY LIFE'S NOT FOR YOU TO
MAKE A NAME FOR YOURSELF ON

ANGEL
EASY, SUGAR, EASY
HE WAS JUST TRYING TO

BLANKET PERSON
JUST TRYING TO USE ME TO KILL HIS GUILT
IT'S NOT THAT KIND OF MOVIE, HONEY
Let's go this lot is full of
Motherfucking artists
Hey artist
You gotta dollar?
I thought not

(BLANKET PERSON crosses to downstage left with another
HOMELESS PERSON)




SANTA FE

(The Street)

ANGEL
New York City (laughing tentatively and doing small high kicks to lighten the mood)

MARK
Uh huh

ANGEL
CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE

COLLINS
Sing it girl-

ANGEL
TIMES ARE SHITTY (putting her arm around MARK)
BUT I'M PRETTY SURE THEY CAN'T GET WORSE

MARK
I hear you

ANGEL
IT'S A COMFORT TO KNOW
WHEN YOU'RE SINGING THE HIT-THE-ROAD BLUES
THAT ANYWHERE ELSE YOU COULD POSSIBLY GO
AFTER NEW YORK WOULD BE A PLEASURE CRUISE

COLLINS
Now you're talking (stops MARK from leaving. ANGEL sits down and starts to drum)
WELL, I'M THWARTED BY A METAPHYSIC PUZZLE
AND I'M SICK OF GRADING PAPERS THAT I KNOW (sits MARK down)
AND I'M SHOUTING IN MY SLEEP, I NEED A MUZZLE
ALL THIS MISERY PAYS NO SALARY, SO
LET'S OPEN UP A RESTAURANT IN SANTA FE
OH SUNNY SANTA FE WOULD BE NICE
LET'S OPEN UP A RESTAURANT IN SANTA FE
AND LEAVE THIS TO THE ROACHES AND MICE

COLLINS
OH-OH

ALL
OH (COLLINS takes ANGEL?s hand and pulls her up)

ANGEL
You teach?

COLLINS
I teach, Computer Age Philosophy
But my students would rather watch TV

ANGEL
America

ALL
America

COLLINS
YOU'RE A SENSITIVE AESTHETE
BRUSH THE SAUCE ONTO THE MEAT
YOU COULD MAKE THE MENU SPARKLE WITH RHYME
YOU COULD DRUM A GENTLE DRUM (spins ANGEL round)
I COULD SEAT GUESTS AS THEY COME
CHATTING NOT ABOUT HEIDEGGER, BUT WINE
(with HOMELESS PEOPLE in the shadows)
LET'S OPEN UP A RESTAURANT IN SANTA FE
OUR LABORS WOULD REAP FINANCIAL GAINS

ALL
GAINS, GAINS, GAINS

COLLINS
WE'LL OPEN UP A RESTAURANT IN SANTA FE
AND SAVE FROM DEVASTATION OUR BRAINS

HOMELESS
SAVE OUR BRAINS

ALL
WE'LL PACK UP ALL OUR JUNK AND FLY SO FAR AWAY
DEVOTE OURSELVES TO PROJECTS THAT SELL
WE'LL OPEN UP A RESTAURANT IN SANTA FE
FORGET THIS COLD BOHEMIAN HELL
OH

ALL
OH

COLLINS
DO YOU KNOW THE WAY TO SANTA FE?
YOU KNOW, TUMBLEWEEDS...PRAIRIE DOGS...
YEAH




I'LL COVER YOU

MARK
I'LL MEET YOU AT THE SHOW
I'LL TRY AND CONVINCE ROGER TO GO
(MARK exits)

ANGEL
Alone at last

COLLINS
He'll be back, I guarantee

ANGEL
I've been hearing violins all night

COLLINS
Anything to do with me? Are we a thing?

ANGEL
Darling... we're everything!
LIVE IN MY HOUSE
I'LL BE YOUR SHELTER
JUST PAY ME BACK
WITH ONE THOUSAND KISSES
BE MY LOVER I'LL COVER YOU

COLLINS
OPEN YOUR DOOR
I'LL BE YOUR TENANT
DON'T GOT MUCH BAGGAGE
TO LAY AT YOUR FEET
BUT SWEET KISSES I'VE GOT TO SPARE
I'LL BE THERE- I'LL COVER YOU

BOTH
I THINK THEY MEANT IT
WHEN THEY SAID YOU CAN'T BUY LOVE
NOW I KNOW YOU CAN RENT IT
A NEW LEASE YOU ARE, MY LOVE,
ON LIFE BE MY LIFE

(They do a short dance)

JUST SLIP ME ON
I'LL BE YOUR BLANKET
WHEREVER WHATEVER I'LL BE YOUR COAT

ANGEL
YOU'LL BE MY KING
AND I'LL BE YOUR CASTLE

COLLINS
NO YOU'LL BE MY QUEEN
AND I'LL BE YOUR MOAT

BOTH
I THINK THEY MEANT IT
WHEN THEY SAID YOU CAN'T BUY LOVE
NOW I KNOW YOU CAN RENT IT
A NEW LEASE YOU ARE, MY LOVE,
ON LIFE ALL MY LIFE
I'VE LONGED TO DISCOVER
SOMETHING AS TRUE AS THIS IS

COLLINS
SO WITH A THOUSAND SWEET KISSES
I'LL COVER YOU
WITH A THOUSAND SWEET KISSES
I'LL COVER YOU

ANGEL
IF YOU'RE COLD
AND YOU'RE LONELY
YOU'VE GOT ONE NICKEL ONLY
WITH A THOUSAND SWEET KISSES
I'LL COVER YOU
WITH A THOUSAND SWEET KISSES
I'LL COVER YOU

COLLINS
WHEN YOU'RE WORN OUT
AND TIRED
WHEN YOUR HEART HAS EXPIRED

BOTH
OH LOVER I'LL COVER YOU
OH LOVER I'LL COVER YOU

(ANGEL throws her arms around COLLINS. They exit as do the HOMELESS PEOPLE)





WE'RE OKAY

JOANNE
(on cellular phone)
STEVE JOANNE
THE MURGET CASE?
A DISMISSAL
GOOD WORK COUNSELOR
(The pay phone rings. JOANNE answers it and begins a conversation
with MAUREEN simultaneously juggling two other calls on her cellular
phone)
WE'RE OKAY
HONEYBEAR WAIT!
I'M ON THE OTHER PHONE
YES, I HAVE THE COWBELL
WE'RE OKAY
(into cellular phone)
SO TELL THEM WE'LL SUE
BUT A SETTLEMENT WILL DO
SEXUAL HARASSMENT AND CIVIL RIGHTS TOO
STEVE, YOU'RE GREAT
(into pay phone)
NO YOU CUT THE PAPER PLATE
DIDJA CHEAT ON MARK A LOT WOULD YOU SAY?
WE'RE OKAY
HONEY HOLD ON
(into cellular phone)
STEVE, HOLD ON
(JOANNE presses the call-waiting button on the cellular phone)
HELLO?
DAD - YES
I BEEPED YOU
MAUREEN IS COMING TO MOTHER'S HEARING
WE'RE OKAY
(into pay phone)
HONEYBEAR - WHAT?
NEWT'S LESBIAN SISTER
I'LL TELL THEM
(into cellular phone)
YOU HEARD?
(Into pay phone)
THEY HEARD
WE'RE OKAY
(into cellular phone)
AND TO YOU DAD
(JOANNE presses the call-waiting as she speaks into the pay phone)
YES - JILL IS THERE?
(Into cellular phone)
STEVE GOTTA-
(into pay phone)
JILL WITH THE SHORT BLACK HAIR?
THE CALVIN KLEIN MODEL?
(Into cellular phone)
STEVE, GOTTA GO
(into pay phone)
THE MODEL WHO LIVES IN PENTHOUSE A?
WE'RE
WE'RE OKAY
I'M ON MY WAY

(Slams down the pay phone and flips her cell phone shut at the same time. Exits)



CHRISTMAS BELLS (Various locations, St. Marks Place)

FIVE HOMELESS PEOPLE
CHRISTMAS BELLS ARE RINGING
CHRISTMAS BELLS ARE RINGING
CHRISTMAS BELLS ARE SINGING
ON TV - AT SAKS

SQUEEGEEMAN
HONEST LIVING, HONEST LIVING
HONEST LIVING, HONEST LIVING
HONEST LIVING, HONEST LIVING

ALL FIVE HOMELESS
CAN'T YOU SPARE A DIME OR TWO
HERE BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD GO YOU
YOU'LL BE MERRY
I'LL BE MERRY
THO MERRY AIN'T IN MY VOCABULARY
NO SLEIGHBELLS
NO SANTA CLAUS
NO YULE LOG
NO TINSEL
NO HOLLY
NO HEARTH
NO

SOLOIST
RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER

ALL FIVE
RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER
NO ROOM AT THE HOLIDAY INN OH NO
AND IT'S BEGINNING TO SNOW

(The stage suddenly explodes with life. The scene is St. Mark's Place on
Christmas Eve -- an open-air bazaar of colour, noise, and movement. Along with the company, MARK, ANGEL, COLLINS enter)

VENDORS
Hats, bats, shoes, booze
Mountain bikes, potpourri
Leather bags, girlie mags
Forty-fives, AZT

VENDOR #1
NO ONE'S BUYING
FEEL LIKE CRYING

ALL
NO ROOM AT THE HOLIDAY INN, OH NO
AND IT'S BEGINNING TO SNOW

(Lights up on one woman, who is showing off a collection of stolen coats
to COLLINS and ANGEL)

VENDOR #2
HOW ABOUT A FUR
IN PERFECT SHAPE
OWNED BY AN MBA FROM UPTOWN
I GOT A TWEED
BROKEN IN BY A GREEDY
BROKER WHO WENT BROKE
AND THEN BROKE DOWN

COLLINS
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS

ANGEL
HUSH YOUR MOUTH, IT'S CHRISTMAS

COLLINS
I DO NOT DESERVE YOU, ANGEL
GIVE-GIVE
ALL YOU DO
IS GIVE
GIVE ME SOME WAY TO SHOW
HOW MUCH YOU'VE TOUCHED ME SO

ANGEL
WAIT--WHAT'S ON THE FLOOR?
LET'S SEE SOME MORE
NO-NO-NO
KISS ME - IT'S BEGINNING TO SNOW (exit both)

(Lights focus on MARK and ROGER on right above)

MARK
SHE SAID, "WOULD YOU LIGHT MY CANDLE?"
AND SHE PUT ON A POUT
AND SHE WANTED YOU
TO TAKE HER OUT TONIGHT?

ROGER
Right

MARK
She got you out!

ROGER
SHE WAS MORE THAN OKAY
BUT I PUSHED HER AWAY
IT WAS BAD I GOT MAD
AND I HAD TO GET HER OUT OF MY SIGHT

MARK
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT YOU SAID SHE WAS SWEET

ROGER
LET'S GO EAT - I'LL JUST GET FAT
IT'S THE ONE VICE LEFT WHEN YOU'RE DEAD MEAT
(MIMI has entered looking furtively for THE MAN)
THERE - THAT'S HER

MARK
Maureen?

ROGER
MIMI

MARK
Whoa

ROGER
I SHOULD GO

MARK
HEY - IT'S BEGINNING TO SNOW

(The POLICE OFFICERS, in riot gear, enter)

POLICE OFFICERS
I'M DREAMING OF A WHITE, RIGHT CHRISTMAS

(POLICE OFFICERS exit)

MIMI & JUNKIES
FOLLOW THE MAN FOLLOW THE MAN
WITH HIS POCKETS FULL OF THE JAM
FOLLOW THE MAN FOLLOW THE MAN
HELP ME OUT, DADDY
IF YOU CAN
GOT ANY D MAN?

THE MAN
I'm cool

MIMI & JUNKIES
GOT ANY C MAN?

THE MAN
I'm cool

MIMI & JUNKIES
GOT ANY X?
ANY SMACK?
ANY HORSE?
ANY JUGIE BOOGIE BOY?
ANY BLOW?

(ROGER pulls MIMI aside)

ROGER
HEY (comfortingly)

MIMI
HEY

ROGER
I JUST WANT TO SAY
I'M SORRY FOR THE WAY

MIMI
Forget it

ROGER
I BLEW UP
CAN I MAKE IT UP TO YOU?

MIMI
HOW?

ROGER
DINNER PARTY?

MIMI
THAT'LL DO

THE MAN
HEY LOVER BOY CUTIE PIE
YOU STEAL MY CLIENT YOU DIE

ROGER
YOU DIDN'T MISS ME- YOU WON'T MISS HER
YOU'LL NEVER LACK FOR CUSTOMERS (MIMI tries to step in but ROGER grabs her arm and calmly leads her offstage)

JUNKIES
I'M WILLIN'
I'M ILLIN'
I GOTTA GET MY SICKNESS OFF
GOTTA RUN, GOTTA RIDE
GOTTA GUN, GOTTA HIDE - GOTTA GO

THE MAN
AND IT'S BEGINNING TO SNOW

BENNY
(entering, talking on his cellular phone)
Wish me luck, Alison
The protest is on

COAT VENDOR
L.L BEAN
GEOFFREY BEENE
BURBURRY ZIP OUT
LINING

JUNKIES
GOT ANY C MAN?
GOT ANY D MAN?
GOT ANY B MAN?
GOT ANY CRACK?
GOT ANY X?

SQUEEGEEMAN
HONEST LIVING-

ROGER
Mark, this is Mimi

MARK/MIMI
Hi

ROGER
She'll be dining with us

COAT VENDOR
HERE'S A NEW ARRIVAL

THE MAN
THAT IS AN OUNCE

VENDORS
Hats, dats, bats

COLLINS
That's my coat!

COAT VENDOR
WE GIVE DISCOUNTS

MARK
I think we've met

ANGEL
LET'S GET A BETTER ONE

COLLINS
IT'S A SHAM

MIMI
That's what he said

THE MAN
I SAID IT'S A GRAM!

COLLINS
BUT SHE'S A THIEF!

ANGEL
BUT SHE BROUGHT US TOGETHER

BENNY
Which investor is coming??

COLLINS
I'LL TAKE THE LEATHER

BENNY
Your father? Damn!

(The following is sung simultaneously)

HOMELESS & VENDORS
CHRISTMAS BELLS ARE SWINGING
CHRISTMAS BELLS ARE RINGING
CHRISTMAS BELLS ARE SINGING
IN MY DREAMS - NEXT YEAR
ONCE YOU DONATE YOU CAN GO
CELEBRATE IN TUCKAHOE
YOU'LL FEEL CHEERY
I'LL FEEL CHEERY
THO' I DON'T REALLY KNOW THAT THEORY
NO BATHROBE
NO STEUBEN GLASS
NO CAPPUCINO MAKERS
NO PEARLS, NO DIAMONDS
NO 'CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE'
CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE
NO ROOM AT THE HOLIDAY INN, OH NO-

POLICE OFFICERS
I'M DREAMING OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS
JUST LIKE THE ONES I USED TO KNOW
JINGLE BELLS PRISON CELLS
FA LA LA LA FA LA LA LA
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN
SILENT NIGHT HOLY NIGHT
FALL ON YOUR KNEES OH NIGHT DIVINE
YOU'LL DO SOME TIME
FA LA LA LA LA
FA LA LA LA LA

JUNKIES
GOT ANY C MAN?
GOT ANY D MAN?
GOT ANY B MAN?
GOT ANY X? CRACK?
I'M WILLIN' I'M ILLIN'
GOTTA GET MY SICKNESS OFF
C-D HELP ME
FOLLOW THE MAN FOLLOW THE MAN
FOLLOW THE MAN
JUGIE BOOGIE JUGIE BOOGIE
FOLLOW THE MAN FOLLOW THE MAN
ANY CRACK ANY X ANY JUGIE BOOGIE BOY
ANY BLOW ANY X ANY JUGIE BOOGIE BOY
GOT ANY D MAN, GOT ANY C MAN
GOT ANY CRACK ANY X- ANY JUGIE BOOGIE?

COAT VENDOR
Twenty-five

ANGEL
Fifteen

COAT VENDOR
Twenty-five

ANGEL
Fifteen

COAT VENDOR
No way
Twenty-four

ANGEL
Fifteen

COAT VENDOR
Twenty-four

ANGEL
Fifteen

COAT VENDOR
Not today
Twenty-three

ANGEL
Fifteen

COAT VENDOR
Twenty-three

ANGEL
Fifteen
It's old

COAT VENDOR
Twenty-two


ANGEL
Fifteen


COAT VENDOR
Twenty-one

ANGEL
Fifteen

COAT VENDOR
Seventeen

ANGEL
Fifteen

COAT VENDOR
Fifteen

ANGEL & COAT VENDOR
Sold!

MARK & ROGER
LET'S
GO
TO
THE LOT MAUREEN'S PERFORMING

MIMI
Who's Maureen?

ROGER
His ex

MARK
BUT I AM OVER HER

ROGER (MIMI tries to take his hand)
LET'S NOT HOLD HANDS YET

MIMI
IS THAT A WARNING?

ALL THREE (MARK/MIMI/ROGER)
HE/YOU/I
JUST
NEED (S)
TO TAKE IT SLOW
I SHOULD TELL YOU I SHOULD TELL YOU
I SHOULD TELL YOU I SHOULD TELL YOU
I SHOULD TELL YOU I

ALL
AND IT'S BEGINNING TO
AND IT'S BEGINNING TO
AND IT'S BEGINNING TO

(Lights blackout and a blinding headlight comes through the door. As it
reaches downstage, the lights come up and reveal MAUREEN)

MAUREEN
Joanne, which way to the stage?

ALL
SNOW

(Blackout)


OVER THE MOON (The Lot)

MARK
Maureen's performance

MAUREEN (in front of a microphone)
Last night I had a dream. I found myself in a desert called Cyberland
It was hot. My canteen had sprung a leak and I was thirsty
Out of the abyss walked a cow Elsie
I asked if she had anything to drink
She said, "I'M FORBIDDEN TO PRODUCE MILK
IN CYBERLAND, WE ONLY DRINK (into the microphone which echoes) Diet Coke
She said, "ONLY THING TO DO IS JUMP OVER THE MOON"
"THEY'VE CLOSED EVERYTHING REAL DOWN ... LIKE BARNS, TROUGHS, PERFORMANCE SPACES
AND REPLACED IT ALL WITH lies and rules and virtual (into microphone) life
But there is a way out

BACKUPS
LEAP OF FAITH, LEAP OF FAITH
LEAP OF FAITH, LEAP OF FAITH

MAUREEN
OH, OH, "ONLY THING TO DO IS JUMP OVER THE MOON"
I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE! IT'S LIKE I'M BEING TIED
TO THE HOOD OF A YELLOW RENTAL TRUCK, PACKED IN WITH FERTILIZER AND FUEL OIL, PUSHED OVER A CLIFF
BY A SUICIDAL MICKEY MOUSE! I'VE GOTTA, GOTTA, GOTTA, GOTTA FIND A WAY
"TO JUMP OVER THE MOON
ONLY THING TO DO IS JUMP OVER THE MOON"

BACKUPS
LEAP OF FAITH, etc.

MAUREEN
Then a little bulldog entered. His name we have learned was Benny
And although he once had principles,
He abandoned them to live as a lap dog to a wealthy daughter of the
revolution
"That's bull," Benny said
"EVER SINCE THE CAT TOOK UP THE FIDDLE, THAT COW'S BEEN jumpy
And the dish and the spoon were evicted from the table and eloped ...
SHE'S HAD TROUBLE WITH THAT MILK AND THE MOON EVER SINCE
Maybe it's a female thing
'CAUSE WHO'D WANT TO LEAVE CYBERLAND ANYWAY?...
Walls ain't so bad
The dish and the spoon for instance
They were down on their luck - knocked on my doghouse door
I said, "Not in my backyard, utensils! Go back to China!"
"THE ONLY WAY OUT IS UP," Elsie whispered to me
"A LEAP OF FAITH. Still thirsty?" she asked
Parched. "Have some milk"
I lowered myself beneath her swollen udder
And sucked the sweetest milk I'd ever tasted
(MAUREEN makes a slurping, sucking sound)
"CLIMB ON BOARD," she said
And as a harvest moon rose over Cyberland,
We reared back and sprang into a gallop
Leaping out of orbit
I awoke singing?(the box doesn?t play the backup) Singing? shit (kicks the box)

BACKUPS
LEAP OF FAITH, etc.

MAUREEN
ONLY THING TO DO
ONLY THING TO DO IS JUMP
ONLY THING TO DO IS JUMP OVER THE MOON
ONLY THING TO DO IS JUMP OVER THE MOON
OVER THE MOON OVER THE
Moooooooo
Moooooooo
Moooooooo
Moo with me
(MAUREEN encourages the audience to moo with her. She says,
"C'mon, sir, moo with me," etc. The audience responds. When the
"moos" reach a crescendo, she cuts them off with a big sweep of her
arms)
Thank you

(Blackout)


LA VIE BOHEME (Life Cafe)

(Downstage right, the PRINCIPALS have lined up and are waiting to be
seated. A large table is situated down centre. Down and to the right,
BENNY and MR. GREY are seated at a smaller table. The RESTAURANT
MAN tries to shoo our friends out)

RESTAURANT MAN
NO PLEASE NO
NOT TONIGHT PLEASE NO
MISTER CAN'T YOU GO
NOT TONIGHT CAN'T HAVE A SCENE

ROGER
What? (He drags MIMI past the RESTAURANT MAN to find a table)

RESTAURANT MAN
GO, PLEASE GO;
YOU - HELLO, SIR
I SAID, "NO"
IMPORTANT CUSTOMER

MARK
What am I just a blur?

RESTAURANT MAN
YOU SIT ALL NIGHT YOU NEVER BUY

MARK
THAT'S A LIE THAT'S A LIE
I HAD A TEA THE OTHER DAY

RESTAURANT MAN
YOU COULDN'T PAY

MARK
Oh yeah
(everyone pushes past the RESTAURANT MAN and follow MIMI and ROGER)

COLLINS
Benjamin Coffin III - here?

RESTAURANT MAN
OH NO

ALL
Wine and beer!

MAUREEN
THE ENEMY OF AVENUE A
AND MR GREY

(They sit along with 4 other people)

RESTAURANT MAN
OY VEY!

COLLINS
What brings the mogul in his own mind to the Life Cafe?

BENNY
I would like to propose a toast
To Maureen's noble try
It went well

MAUREEN
Go to hell

BENNY
WAS THE YUPPIE SCUM STOMPED
NOT COUNTING THE HOMELESS
HOW MANY TICKETS WEREN'T COMPED

ROGER
Why did Muffy-

BENNY
Alison

ROGER
Miss the show?

BENNY
There was a death in the family
If you must know

ANGEL
Who died?

BENNY
Our Akita

BENNY, MARK, ANGEL, COLLINS
Evita

BENNY
MIMI I'M SURPRISED
A BRIGHT AND CHARMING GIRL LIKE YOU
HANGS OUT WITH THESE SLACKERS
WHO DON'T ADHERE TO DEALS
THEY MAKE FUN YET I'M THE ONE
ATTEMPTING TO DO SOME GOOD
OR DO YOU REALLY WANT A NEIGHBORHOOD
WHERE PEOPLE PISS ON YOUR STOOP EVERY NIGHT?
BOHEMIA, BOHEMIA'S
A FALLACY IN YOUR HEAD
THIS IS CALCUTTA
BOHEMIA IS DEAD

(The BOHEMIANS immediately begin to enact a mock funeral, with
MARK delivering the "eulogy")

MARK
DEARLY BELOVED WE GATHER HERE TO SAY OUR GOODBYES

COLLINS & ROGER
Dies irae dies illa
Kyrie eleison
Yitgadal v' yitkadash

MARK
HERE SHE LIES
NO ONE KNEW HER WORTH
THE LATE GREAT DAUGHTER OF MOTHER EARTH
ON THIS NIGHT WHEN WE CELEBRATE THE BIRTH
IN THAT LITTLE TOWN OF BETHLEHEM
WE RAISE OUR GLASS- YOU BET YOUR ASS TO-
LA VIE BOHEME

ALL (simultaneously whilst Mark sings)
LA VIE BOHEME
LA VIE BOHEME
LA VIE BOHEME
LA VIE BOHEME

MARK
TO DAYS OF INSPIRATION
PLAYING HOOKIE, MAKING SOMETHING OUT OF NOTHING
THE NEED TO EXPRESS
TO COMMUNICATE,
TO GOING AGAINST THE GRAIN,
GOING INSANE
GOING MAD

TO LOVING TENSION, NO PENSION
TO MORE THAN ONE DIMENSION,
TO STARVING FOR ATTENTION,
HATING CONVENTION, HATING PRETENSION
NOT TO MENTION OF COURSE,
HATING DEAR OLD MOM AND DAD

TO RIDING YOUR BIKE,
MIDDAY PAST THE THREE- PIECE SUITS
TO FRUITS TO NO ABSOLUTES
TO ABSOLUT- TO CHOICE
TO THE VILLAGE VOICE
TO ANY PASSING FAD
TO BEING AN US-FOR ONCE-, INSTEAD OF A THEM -

ALL (the restaurant erupts into chaos as the bohemians start to dance.)
LA VIE BOHEME
LA VIE BOHEME

(JOANNE enters)

MAUREEN
IS THE EQUIPMENT IN A PYRAMID?

JOANNE
IT IS, MAUREEN

MAUREEN
THE MIXER DOESN'T HAVE A CASE
DON'T GIVE ME THAT FACE

(MAUREEN smacks JOANNE's ass as she exits. MR. GREY reacts)

MR. GREY
Ahhemm

MAUREEN
HEY MISTER- SHE'S MY SISTER

RESTAURANT MAN
SO THAT'S FIVE MISO SOUP, FOUR SEAWEED SALAD
THREE SOY BURGER DINNER, TWO TOFU DOG PLATTER
AND ONE PASTA WITH MEATLESS BALLS

A BOY
Ew!

COLLINS
IT TASTES THE SAME

MIMI (standing on her chair and covering her eyes)
IF YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES

RESTAURANT MAN (MIMI sits down)
AND THIRTEEN ORDERS OF FRIES
IS THAT IT HERE?

ALL (shouting, hitting the table with their fists)
Wine and beer!

MIMI & ANGEL (getting on the table and dancing)
TO HAND-CRAFTED BEERS MADE IN LOCAL BREWERIES
TO YOGA, TO YOGURT, TO RICE AND BEANS AND CHEESE
TO LEATHER, TO DILDOS, TO CURRY VINDALOO
TO HUEVOS RANCHEROS AND MAYA ANGELOU (getting down)

MAUREEN & COLLINS (climbing on the table)
EMOTION, DEVOTION, TO CAUSING A COMMOTION
CREATION, VACATION

MARK
MUCHO MASTURBATION

MAUREEN & COLLINS
COMPASSION, TO FASHION, TO PASSION WHEN IT'S NEW

COLLINS
TO SONTAG

ANGEL
TO SONDHEIM


FOUR PEOPLE
TO ANYTHING TABOO

COLLINS & ROGER (jumping on the table and playing air guitar)
GINSBERG, DYLAN, CUNNINGHAM AND CAGE

COLLINS
Lenny Bruce

ROGER
Langston Hughes

MAUREEN
To the stage

PERSON #1
To Uta

PERSON #2
To Buddha

PERSON #3
PABLO NERUDA, TOO

MARK & MIMI (the table is cleared. MIMI jumps up and walks along. MARK walks along side the table as if being a dog.)
WHY DOROTHY AND TOTO WENT OVER THE RAINBOW
TO BLOW OFF AUNTIE EM (MIMI jumps off.)

ALL
LA VIE BOHEME

(JOANNE returns)

MAUREEN
AND WIPE THE SPEAKERS OFF BEFORE YOU PACK

JOANNE
YES, MAUREEN

MAUREEN
Well - hurry back

(MAUREEN and JOANNE kiss)

MR. GREY
Sisters?

MAUREEN
We're close

(ANGEL jumps on top of COLLINS, who's on the table. They kiss)

ANGEL, COLLINS, MAUREEN, MARK, MR. GREY
Brothers!

MARK, ANGEL, MIMI & THREE OTHERS (on the table)
BISEXUALS, TRISEXUALS, HOMO SAPIENS,
CARCINOGENS, HALLUCINOGENS, MEN, PEE WEE HERMAN
GERMAN WINE, TURPENTINE, GERTRUDE STEIN
ANTONIONI, BERTOLUCCI, KUROSAWA
CARMINA BURANA

ALL
TO APATHY, TO ENTROPY, TO EMPATHY, ECSTASY
VACLAV HAVEL - THE SEX PISTOLS, 8BC,
TO NO SHAME - NEVER PLAYING THE FAME GAME

COLLINS
To marijuana

ALL
TO SODOMY,
IT'S BETWEEN GOD AND ME
TO S & M

(MR. GREY walks out)

BENNY
Waiter...Waiter...Waiter

ALL
LA VIE BOHEME

COLLINS
In honour of the death of Bohemia an impromptu salon will commence
immediately following dinner
Mimi Marquez, (MIMI gets on the table and dances) clad only in bubble wrap, will perform her famous lawn chair-handcuff dance to the sounds of iced tea being stirred

ROGER (climbing on the table as MIMI gets down)
Mark Cohen will preview his new documentary about his inability to hold an erection on high holy days

(ROGER picks up an electric guitar and starts to tune it)

MARK (on the table. As he walks along he spins MAUREEN)
Maureen Johnson, back from her spectacular one-night engagement at the eleventh street lot,
Will sing native American tribal chants backwards through her vocoder,
While accompanying herself on the electric cello
Which she has never studied

(At this point, JOANNE has entered and seen MAUREEN playfully kiss A BOY. JOANNE exits. BENNY pulls MIMI aside)

BENNY
YOUR NEW BOYFRIEND DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT US?

MIMI
THERE'S NOTHING TO KNOW

BENNY
DON'T YOU THINK THAT WE SHOULD DISCUSS-

MIMI
IT WAS THREE MONTHS AGO

BENNY
HE DOESN'T ACT LIKE HE'S WITH YOU

MIMI
WE'RE TAKING IT SLOW

BENNY
WHERE IS HE NOW?

MIMI
HE'S RIGHT - HMM

BENNY
UH HUH

MIMI
Where'd he go?

MARK
Roger will attempt to write a bittersweet, evocative song
(ROGER picks up a guitar and plays Musetta's Theme)
That doesn't remind us of "Musetta's Waltz"

COLLINS (ANGEL struts along the table)
Angel Dumont Schunard will now model the latest fall fashions from Paris
While accompanying herself on the 10 gallon plastic pickle tub

ANGEL
And Collins will recount his exploits as an anarchist
Including the successful reprogramming of the M.I.T. virtual reality equipment
To self-destruct, as it broadcast the words:

ALL (shouting)
"Actual reality -- Act Up -- Fight AIDS"

BENNY
Check!

(BENNY exits. Lights on MIMI and ROGER)

MIMI
EXCUSE ME DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG?
I GET INVITED THEN IGNORED ALL NIGHT LONG

ROGER
I'VE BEEN TRYING I'M NOT LYING
NO ONE'S PERFECT I'VE GOT BAGGAGE

MIMI
LIFE'S TOO SHORT, BABE, TIME IS FLYING
I'M LOOKING FOR BAGGAGE THAT GOES WITH MINE

ROGER
I SHOULD TELL, YOU-

MIMI
I'VE GOT BAGGAGE TOO

ROGER
I SHOULD TELL YOU

BOTH
BAGGAGE
WINE AND BEER!

(MIMI?s beeper sounds. She turns it off without looking at ROGER)

MIMI
AZT break


ROGER
YOU?

MIMI
ME, YOU?

ROGER
MIMI

(MIMI sits on the edge of the table and takes pills)

(ROGER joins her. The rest of the company freezes)


I SHOULD TELL YOU

ROGER
I SHOULD TELL YOU I'M DISASTER
I FORGET HOW TO BEGIN IT

MIMI
LET'S JUST MAKE THIS PART GO FASTER
I HAVE YET TO BE IN IT
I SHOULD TELL YOU

ROGER
I SHOULD TELL YOU

MIMI
I SHOULD TELL YOU

ROGER
I SHOULD TELL YOU

MIMI
I SHOULD TELL I BLEW THE CANDLE OUT
JUST TO GET BACK IN

ROGER
I'D FORGOTTEN HOW TO SMILE
UNTIL YOUR CANDLE BURNED MY SKIN

MIMI
I SHOULD TELL YOU

ROGER
I SHOULD TELL YOU

MIMI
I SHOULD TELL YOU

BOTH
I SHOULD TELL
WELL, HERE WE GO
NOW WE- (ROGER leans in to kiss MIMI buts she pulls away)

MIMI
OH NO

ROGER
I KNOW THIS SOMETHING IS
HERE GOES (holds up his hand)

MIMI
HERE GOES (holds her hand to his. They link fingers.)

ROGER
GUESS SO
IT'S STARTING TO
WHO KNOWS? (holds his other hand up. She does the same. They link fingers)

MIMI
WHO KNOWS

BOTH
WHO KNOWS WHERE
WHO GOES THERE (stand up and take both hands)
WHO KNOWS
HERE GOES

TRUSTING DESIRE STARTING TO LEARN (ROGER pulls MIMI towards him putting his hands on her waist)
WALKING THROUGH FIRE WITHOUT A BURN
CLINGING A SHOULDER, A LEAP BEGINS
STINGING AND OLDER, ASLEEP ON PINS
SO HERE WE GO
NOW WE

ROGER
OH NO (pulling away)

MIMI
I KNOW

ROGER
OH NO

BOTH
WHO KNOWS WHERE (MIMI takes ROGER?S hands) WHO GOES THERE
HERE GOES ( MIMI leads ROGER across the stage taking a step every ?here goes?) HERE GOES
HERE GOES HERE GOES
HERE GOES HERE GOES


LA VIE BOHEME B

(ROGER and MIMI exit. JOANNE reenters, obviously steamed)

MAUREEN
Are we packed?

JOANNE
Yes and by next week
I want you to be

MAUREEN
Pookie?

JOANNE
AND YOU SHOULD SEE
THEY'VE PADLOCKED YOUR BUILDING
AND THEY'RE RIOTING ON AVENUE B
BENNY CALLED THE COPS

MAUREEN
That fuck

JOANNE
THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING
THE COPS ARE SWEEPING THE LOT
BUT NO ONE'S LEAVING
THEY'RE JUST SITTING THERE, MOOING!

ALL
Yeah!!!
(Pandemonium erupts in the restaurant)
To dance

A GIRL
NO WAY TO MAKE A LIVING, MASOCHISM, PAIN, PERFECTION
MUSCLE SPASMS, CHIROPRACTORS, SHORT CAREERS, EATING DISORDERS

ALL
Film

MARK
ADVENTURE, TEDIUM, NO FAMILY, BORING LOCATIONS,
DARK ROOMS, PERFECT FACES, EGOS, MONEY, HOLLYWOOD AND SLEAZE

ALL
Music

ANGEL
FOOD OF LOVE, EMOTION, MATHEMATICS, ISOLATION,
RHYTHM, FEELING, POWER, HARMONY, AND HEAVY COMPETITION

ALL
Anarchy

COLLINS & MAUREEN
REVOLUTION, JUSTICE, SCREAMING FOR SOLUTIONS,
FORCING CHANGES, RISK, AND DANGER
MAKING NOISE AND MAKING PLEAS

ALL
TO FAGGOTS, LEZZIES, DYKES, CROSS DRESSERS TOO

MAUREEN
To me

MARK
To me

COLLINS & ANGEL
To me

ALL
To you, and you and you, you and you
TO PEOPLE LIVING WITH, LIVING WITH, LIVING WITH
NOT DYING FROM DISEASE
LET HE AMONG US WITHOUT SIN
BE THE FIRST TO CONDEMN
LA VIE BOHEME
LA VIE BOHEME
LA VIE BOHEME

MARK
ANYONE OUT OF THE MAINSTREAM
IS ANYONE IN THE MAINSTREAM?
ANYONE ALIVE WITH A SEX DRIVE

OTHERS
LA VIE BOHEME
LA VIE BOHEME
LA VIE BOHEME

MARK
TEAR DOWN THE WALL
AREN'T WE ALL?
THE OPPOSITE OF WAR ISN'T PEACE
IT'S CREATION

ALL
LA VIE BOHEME

(lights down. spotlight on MARK)

MARK
The riot continues. The Christmas tree goes up in flames. The snow dances.
Oblivious, Mimi and Roger share a small, lovely kiss

(spotlight on MIMI and ROGER kissing)
(lights down. Lights up on life cafe)

ALL
Viva la vie Boheme

(lights down)

Act II

(The COMPANY enters from all directions and forms a line across the
front of the stage)

SEASONS OF LOVE

COMPANY
FIVE HUNDRED TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED MINUTES
FIVE HUNDRED TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED MOMENTS SO DEAR
FIVE HUNDRED TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED MINUTES
HOW DO YOU MEASURE - MEASURE A YEAR?

IN DAYLIGHTS - IN SUNSETS
IN MIDNIGHTS - IN CUPS OF COFFEE
IN INCHES - IN MILES
IN LAUGHTER - IN STRIFE

IN FIVE HUNDRED TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED MINUTES
HOW DO YOU MEASURE A YEAR IN THE LIFE?

HOW ABOUT LOVE?
HOW ABOUT LOVE?
HOW ABOUT LOVE?
MEASURE IN LOVE

SEASONS OF LOVE
SEASONS OF LOVE

SOLOIST #1
FIVE HUNDRED TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED MINUTES
FIVE HUNDRED TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND
JOURNEYS TO PLAN
FIVE HUNDRED TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED MINUTES
HOW DO YOU MEASURE THE LIFE
OF A WOMAN OR A MAN?

SOLOIST #2
IN TRUTHS THAT SHE LEARNED
OR IN TIMES THAT HE CRIED
IN BRIDGES HE BURNED
OR THE WAY THAT SHE DIED

ALL
IT'S TIME NOW - TO SING OUT
THO' THE STORY NEVER ENDS
LET'S CELEBRATE
REMEMBER A YEAR IN THE LIFE OF FRIENDS

REMEMBER THE LOVE
REMEMBER THE LOVE
REMEMBER THE LOVE
MEASURE IN LOVE

SOLOIST #1
MEASURE, MEASURE YOUR LIFE IN LOVE

SEASONS OF LOVE
SEASONS OF LOVE

(exeunt)

HAPPY NEW YEAR

(New Year's Eve. The scene opens on the street outside the apartment.
one table, lying on its end, serves as the door)

MARK (carrying mock door)
Pan to the padlocked door. New Year's Rocking Eve. The
breaking-back-into-the-building party

(ROGER and MIMI try in vain to pry a padlock from the door. They
appear to be happy. MIMI carries a bottle of champagne)

MIMI
How long till next year?

ROGER
Three and half minutes

MIMI
I'M GIVING UP MY VICES
I'M GOING BACK - BACK TO SCHOOL (pours and hands a glass of champagne to ROGER)
EVICTION OR NOT
THIS WEEK'S BEEN SO HOT
THAT LONG AS I'VE GOT YOU
I KNOW I'LL BE COOL

I COULDN'T CRACK THE LOVE CODE, DEAR
'TIL YOU MADE THE LOCK ON MY HEART EXPLODE
IT'S GONNA BE A HAPPY NEW YEAR
A HAPPY NEW YEAR

(MIMI and ROGER kiss. MARK enters the scene)


MARK
COAST IS CLEAR (MIMI drinks out of the bottle)
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE WORKING
THAT'S FOR MIDNIGHT (takes the bottle from her)
WHERE ARE THEY?
THERE ISN'T MUCH TIME

MIMI
MAYBE THEY'RE DRESSING
I MEAN WHAT DOES ONE WEAR THAT'S APROPOS
FOR A PARTY (picks the bottle back up but MARK tries to take it again) THAT'S ALSO A CRIME

(MAUREEN enters wearing a skin-tight "cat burglar" suit and carrying a bag of potato chips)

MAUREEN
Chips, anyone?

MARK
YOU CAN TAKE THE GIRL OUT OF HICKSVILLE
BUT YOU CAN'T TAKE THE HICKSVILLE OUT OF THE GIRL

MAUREEN
MY RIOT GOT YOU ON TV
I DESERVE A ROYALTY

MIMI
BE NICE YOU TWO
OR NO GOD AWFUL CHAMPAGNE

(MAUREEN takes out a cellular phone and dials)

MAUREEN
DON'T MIND IF I DO (taking the bottle from MIMI and sipping)
NO LUCK?

ROGER
BOLTED PLYWOOD, PADLOCKED WITH A CHAIN
A TOTAL DEAD END

MAUREEN
JUST LIKE MY EX-GIRLFRIEND
(on cellular phone)
HONEY...?
I KNOW YOU'RE THERE
PLEASE PICK UP THE PHONE
ARE YOU OKAY?
IT'S NOT FUNNY
IT'S NOT FAIR
HOW CAN I ATONE?
ARE YOU OKAY?
I LOSE CONTROL
BUT I CAN LEARN TO BEHAVE
GIVE ME ONE MORE CHANCE
LET ME BE YOUR SLAVE

I'LL KISS YOUR DOC MARTENS
LET ME KISS YOUR DOC MARTENS
YOUR EVERY WISH I WILL OBEY

(JOANNE enters)

JOANNE
That might be okay
Down girl
Heel...stay
I DID A BIT OF RESEARCH
WITH MY FRIENDS AT LEGAL AID
TECHNICALLY, YOU'RE SQUATTERS
THERE'S HOPE
BUT JUST IN CASE
(JOANNE pulls out a rope)

MARK & JOANNE
ROPE

MARK (pointing off)
WE CAN HOIST A LINE-

JOANNE
TO THE FIRE ESCAPE

MARK
AND TIE OFF AT

MARK & JOANNE
THAT BENCH

MAUREEN
I can't take them as chums

JOANNE
(throwing the rope to MAUREEN) Start hoisting...wench

(All three cross upstage and attempt to throw up the length of rope over a plank. ROGER and MIMI are laughing and holding each other)

ROGER
I THINK I SHOULD BE LAUGHING
YET I FORGET (picks MIMI up and spins her)
FORGET HOW TO BEGIN (puts her down)
I'M FEELING SOMETHING INSIDE
AND YET I STILL CAN'T DECIDE
IF I SHOULD HIDE
OR MAKE A WIDE OPEN GRIN (spins her)
LAST WEEK I WANTED JUST TO DISAPPEAR (pulls her close)
MY LIFE WAS DUST
BUT NOW IT JUST MAY BE A HAPPY NEW YEAR (picks her up)
A HAPPY NEW YEAR (kisses her. Puts her down and runs away. She follows and grabs him laughing)

(COLLINS enters with ANGEL. COLLINS, dressed in black and wearing
sunglasses, carries a bottle of champagne. ANGEL wears a plastic dress
and blonde wig: a small blowtorch is slung over his shoulder)

COLL
Last Update:July, 12th 2016