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Musical: Dirty Rotten Scoundrels
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LAWRENCE I understand you are completely numb from the waist down, is that correct? FREDDY Yes, sir. LAWRENCE No feeling whatsoever? FREDDY Mmhmm. That's right. LAWRENCE I see. So... This little pggy says- FREDDY -Nothing LAWRENCE And this little piggy, the same? FREDDY Uh-huh. LAWRENCE I suppose that it's futile To wiggle or doodle Or jiggle this piggle Well, ain't that a shame. And this one? FREDDY Like wood. LAWRENCE And this one. (Freddy shakes his head.) Zer gut. So, that's the entire contingent We'll have to try something a little more stringent. (He pulls a pussy willow branch from a vase and whips it through the air.) CHRISTINE Stringent? LAWRENCE Trust me, Fraulein, I am a doctor. When I was youg and I was cute And I was in the Institute, They banged it in us like a drum, The Corpus Hippocraticum. So just before you graduate You raise your hand And stand up straight And everybody has to wuoth That zippy Hippy-cratic Oath. You swear to God to heal the sick But do no damage-that's the trick, Even if you have to lop a leg Or God forbig, an arm. If it's the best, go crack a cheat Or slice 'em open like a wurst But first- Do no harm. (He wacks Freddy on the legs with the pussy willow) Yodekayeeoo Nothing? FREDDY Nope. LAWRENCE Hm. A medical professional, Before he starts a session'll Be sure to pause and clear his head And think on what Old Hippo siad- A real mnsch with lots of heart Bestowed on us this noble art And let me tell you, that ain't eas-y In three-hundred and eighty B.C. Defend the weak and mend the ill, Prescribe a pill then send a bill- For many years the system has Been working like a charm But you must recollect With great respect Hippocrates and what he versed- First- Do no- (WHACK!) FREDDY YOW-DELAYEEOO LAWRENCE That's lovely my boy. CHRISTINE But Doctor, this seems so cruel. LAWRENCE On the contrary, Fraulein, Sergeant Benson would be the happiest man on earth if he could feel any pain- Yah? FREDDY You bet! LAWRENCE Let's all yodel! (They do.) I said yodel! (WHACK!) The Corpus Hippocraticum Like bats out of the attic-come Like popes out of the Vati-come CHRISTINE Like nylon sheets with static come LAWRENCE Like jockeys from the paddock come CHRISTINE Or fishsticks from the haddock come LAWRENCE Or you psychosomatc come to me (He suddenly turns and exits. Freddy breathes a sig of relief.) FREDDY Well, I guess that's that (Lawrence runs back in brandishing the pussy willow and gives him the biggest WHACK yet.) LAWRENCE I look at him, the sorry face I know I have to take this case- It's who I am, it's what I do- If you were me, you'd haev to too. If I were him or I were you I'd look at me and like the view For here I am and here we go Hippocrates would wish it so. This man intrigues me, I will take Sergeant Benson on as my patient. CHRISTINE Doctor, look! He's so happy he's crying! Do you really think you can have him walking again? LAWRENCE Walking? I'll have him running, jumping, shouting, shrieking. Or my name isn't... (Punctually each word with a whack on Fredy's legs:) Dr. (Whack) Emil (Whack) Shuffhausen (And just for good measure:) The third!(WHACK!) [Thanks to firthafied282@sbcglobal.net for lyrics] Back to main page: Dirty Rotten Scoundrels Lyrics
Broadway Dirty Rotten Scoundrels Lyrics
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