Book of Mormon, The script
The Book of Mormon
Cast
A Hill
Mormon
Moroni
Jesus
Joseph Smith
Brigham Young
The Missionary Training Center
Superior
Kevin Price
Arnold Cunningham
Elder Harris
Elder Grant
Elder Young
Elder Cross
Elder Smith
Elder Green
Elder Brown
Elder White
The Families
Mr. Price
Kevin's brother
Mr. Cunningham
Mrs. Brown
The Ugandans
Mafala Hatimbi
Nabulungi Hatimbi
Doctor Gotswana
General Koni and his Guards
Kalimba
Kimbay
Middala
Mutumbo
Sadaka
Ghali
Other Ugandan Men and Women
The Uganda Mission
Disctric 9 Leader, Elder McKinley
Elder Church
Elder Michaels
Elder Thomas
Elder Neeley
Elder Schrader
Elder Zelder
Elder Davis
The Hell Dream
Satan
Demons
Genghis Khan
Adolph Hitler
Jeffrey Dahmer
Johnnie Cochran
Skeletons
Others
God (In the Ugandans' play)
Hobbits (In You're Making Things Up Again)
Yoda (In You're Making Things Up Again)
Mission President
Narrator
January 2, 2012 - I haven't seen the play yet, since it hasn't come out to Los Angeles, but I do have a camrip of it, and the transcript below is from that camrip. It must be the preview version, as there are changes going from this version of the play to the official script.
Act I
[Fanfare. The Hill Cumorah, day. The stage lights come on and two men are shown onstage, with rays of sun shining on them. A third man stands between them, unlit]
Narrator: Long ago, in the Year of Our Lord 326 A.D., a great prophet is leader of the Nephite people in ancient upstate New York. His name... is Mormon. [lights shine on the third man and he is now visible. He's carrying two golden plates]
Mormon: I... am Mormon. My people sailed here from Israel to create a new civilization. These golden plates tell of our people and how we met with... Jesus Christ. [genuflects to the man on his left]
Jesus: I... am Jesus. Take care of your golden plates, Mormon, for soon, your entire civilization will be gone and nobody will remember you. [exit]
Narrator: Just before the Nephite people were wiped out, Mormon gave the plates to his son, Moroni. [Moroni takes the plates and Mormon exits.]
Moroni: I... am Moroni, the last of my kind. I shall bury the golden plates, father, and perhaps one day someone very special will find them.
Narrator: And lo, Moroni buried the golden plates high on a hill. [Fade out as Mormon leaves, fade in moments later] Centuries later the golden plates were found, giving birth to the fastest-growing religion today! A Church that even now sends missionaries out all over the world! [a Mormon comes out in dim light and rings a doorbell, and he gets the spotlight]
[The missionary training center, Salt Lake City, Utah. It starts out without light, but a light comes on with each entering Mormon missionary]
Price: [Ding Dong] Hello, my name is Elder Price,
and I would like to share with you the most amazing book.
Grant: [Ding Dong] Hello, my name is Elder Grant.
It's a book about America a long long time ago.
Price: [A third Mormon rings a doorbell] It has... so many awesoem parts. [the third Mormon rings the doorbell again]
You simple won't believe how much this book can change your life. [the third Mormon rings the doorbell twice]
Green: [the third Mormon] Hello, my name is Elder Green. [the fourth Mormon rings a doorbell]
I would like to share with you this book of Jesus Christ. [the fifth Mormon rings a doorbell]
Young: [the fourth Mormon] Hello, my name is Elder Young.
Harris: Hello.
Young: Did you know that Jesus lived here in the USA? [the sixth Mormon rings a doorbell]
Grant: You can... read all about it now.
Cross: Hello
Grant: In this nifty book. It's free! No, you don't have to pay.
Young: Hello!
Smith: [Ding Dong] Hello, my name is Elder Smith,
[Ding Dong] and can I leave this book with you for you to just peruse?
Brown: Hello! [Ding Dong]
Green: Hello.
Harris: Hellooo.
Smith: I'll just leave it here. [Ding Dong]
It has a lot of information you can really use.
Price: [Ding Dong Ding Dong] Hello.
Harris: Hi.
Price: My name is-
Grren: Jesus Christ!
Grant: You have a lovely home.
Cross: Hello.
Grant: It's an amazing book.
Smith: [Ding Dong] Bonjour!
White: Hola!
Harris: Ni Hao!
White: Me llamo Elder White.
Grant: Are these your kids?
Green: This book gives you the secret to eternal life.
Cross: Sound good?
Elders: Eternal life-
Green: With Jesus Christ
Elders: -is super fun.
White: Hello.
Young: Ding Dong.
Elders: And if you let us in we'll show you how it can be done.
Grant: No, thanks!
Green: You sure?
Grant: Oh well.
Green: That's fine. [Ding Dong]
Grant: Goodbye.
Green: Have fun in hell.
Grant and Cross: Hey now!
Elders: You simply won't believe how much
this book will change your li-----i-----ife
this book will change your li-----i-----ife
this book will change your li-i-ife
this book will change your life!!
Cunningham: [the tenth Elder, comes up and presses a buzzer] Hello would you like to change religions I have a free book written by Jesus!
Superior: Nooo, nooo, nooo Elder Cunningham! That's not how we do it! You're making things up again. Just stick to the approved dialogue. Elders, show him!
Elders: Hello.
Cunningham: Hello!
Elders: My anme is
Cunningham: Elder Cunningham!
Elders: And we would like to share with you this book of Jesus Christ.
Price: Hello.
Green: Hello.
Grant: Ding Dong.
White: Hi ho.
Smith: Just take this book.
Price: It's free.
Young: For you.
Harris: From me!
Grant: You see?
Elders: You simply won't believe how much
this book will change your li-----i-----ife
this book will change your li-----i----ife
Hel-loooo! This book will change your li-i-ife
So you won't burn___ in___
White: Heh-elloooooooooooooooo!
Elders: Hello. You're gonna die some day, but if you read this book you'll see that there's another way.
You'll spend eternity with friends and family. We can fully guarantee you that
This book will change your life.
Hello! This book will change your life.
Hello! This book will change your life.
Will change- This book will change your life.
The Book of Mooooooormonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!
Mooooooormonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!
Hellooooooooooooooooo!!
Superior: All right, elders, all right! That was very good indeed! [the elders react positively] You have been training for two years and you are now ready to go out and spread the Word. [they briefly cheer] In a moment you will be assigned your mission companions and locations.
Price: Oh boy, thhis is it guys, this is it!
Young: I can't believe the day is finally here! We're gonna get to go out and see the world!
Smith: Do you have any idea where they're sending you, Elder Price?
Price: Well of course we don't really have final say over where we get sent, but... I have been praying to be sent to my favorite place in the whole world,
Grant: Oh, well if you prayed for a location, I'm sure Heavenly Father will make it happen. You're like the smartest, best, most deserving elder this center has ever seen.
Price: Aw come on guys. [the other elders walk off]
The most important time of a Mormon kid's life is his mission.
A chance to go out and help heal the world, that's my mission
Soon I'll be off in a different place helping the whole human race
I know my mission will be something incredible!
Superior: Elders, [the elders take notice] form a line, [they form a line side by side] and step forward when your name is called. Elder Young
Young: [jumps forward] Yes sir!
Superior: Your mission brother will be... Elder Grant.
Grant: That's me! Hey brother! [they embrace each other]
Superior: And your mission location is... Norway.
Young: Oh wow! Norway!
Grant: Land of gnomes! And trolls!
Grant and Young: Hoo-wah! Hey-yah! Shoo-wah! Zala Wow!
Two by two, we're marching door to door.
'Cause God loves Mormons and he wants some more.
A two-year mission is our sacrfice
We are the army of the Church of Jesus Christ
...of Latter-Day Saints!
Elders: Two by two, and today we'll know
Who we'll make the journey with and where we'll go
We're fighting for a cause but we're really really nice
We are the army of the Church of Jesus Christ
...of Latter-Day Saints!
Superior: Elder White and Elder Smith.
Smith: Oh! I knew we'd get paired together!
Superior: Your location will be... France!
White: France! Land of ...crêpes and berets!
Smith and White: Two by two, I guess it's you and me
We're off to preach across land and sea
White: Satan has a hold of France!
Smith: We need to knock him off his perch!
Elders: We are the soldiers of the army of the Church
...of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints!
Superior: Elder Cross and Elder Green, you will be serving in... Japan.
Green: Oh, Japan!
Cross: Landn of soy sauce!
Green: And Mortha!
Superior: Elder Harris and Elder Brown.
Price (Elders): Heavenly Father, where will I go on my mission (on my mission)?
Will it be China or Old Mexico on my mission (mission)?
It could be San Fran by the bay, Australia where they say "G'day",
but I pray I'm sent to my favorite place:
Orlando (Orlando) I love you Orlando.
Sea World and Disney and putt putt golfing!
Superior: Elder Price.
Price: Yes sir!
Superior: Your brother will be... Elder Cunningham.
Cunningham: That's me! That's me! Hello!
Price: Oh, hi.
Superior: And your mission location is... Uganda. [the music stops abruptly and a horn blows a flat note]
Price: Uganda.
Cunningham: Uganda?? Coooll... Where is that?
Superior: Africa.
Cunningham: Oh boy! Like Lion King.
Elders: Two by two, and now it's time to go
Our paths have been revealed, so let's start the show
Our shirts are clean and pressed and our haircuts are precise
We are the army of the Church We are the army of the Church
We are the army of the Church of Jesuuuuuus
Christ!
[bridge]
Two by two we march to victory (Two by two we march) armed with the greatest book in hostory
We'll convert everyone all across the planet Earth.
That is the beauty of, the essence of, the purpose of, the mission of the soldiers of the army of the Church
Of Je________-sus________ Christ________
...of Latter-Day Saints!
Superior: All right, elders, all right! Go home and pack your things. Tomorrow, your mmmissions begin. [the other elders leave]
Cunningham: [waves after them] Bye you guys! [turn to Price] I am so stoked we got paired together, Elder Price.
Price: Oho, me too. [somewhat disappointed] This is... fantastic!
Cunningham: You know what? I prayed to Heavenly Father that we would get paired together. [puts up his right hand and Price leans in thinking Cunningham is going to whisper somethng in his ear, but leans out immediately] He really does listen!
Price: He answered your prayers?
Cunningham: Yeup, my mom said "if Heavenly Father is proud of you, he'll always give you what you ask." You and me for two years in Ukuhanda! This is gonna be awesome!
Price: Yes well if we have the Book of Mormon, it'll do those Africans a lot of good. [Cunningham cackles, then walks to Price's left side and walks away slowly]
Cunningham: Well, see you tomorrow, companion. [Price takes his leave, but stops when Cunningham speaks again] Tomorrow is a Latter Day! [they both exit]
[The airport, next day. The missionaries bid farewell to their families. First Price bids farewell]
Price's Father: Goodbye, son. We're so proud of you.
Price's Brother: Wow, I can't believe Kevin is going to Africa for two years... I'm gonna miss my brother so much
Price: Aw I know. I'm gonna miss you guys too. [aside to his father] Hey, maybe we should see if there's anyway I could get transferred someplace a little bit closer to home, like uh... Florida, or...
Price's Father: Nooo, don't worry, son. Heavenly Father has a hand in everything. He knows what's best. He always knows.
Price: You're right, dad. I'm sure I'm gonna have an amazing time.
[Cunningham bids farewell while munching away on snacks and sipping water from a bottle his mom is holding]
Cunningham's Father: Alright son, just remember: do whatever Elder Price does. He is a great Mormon, and you, well, you're a... great follower.
Cunningham: Right! I'm a follower.
Cunningham's Father: Elder Price seems like a wonderful boy, Arnold!
Cunningham: Uh... oh, he is. We're gonna have the most amazing time together. It's like, like I'm finally gonna have a best friend.
Cunningham's Father: Ohoho, well, just remember what we talked about with regards to your little problem.
Cunningham: Oh don't worry Dad, my little problem is "in check." It's not gonna be an issue.
Price: [walks up] What's the little problem?
Cunningham's Father: Oh, nothing ???. He uh ju-, well, he has a very active imagination.
Cunningham: I lie a lot!
Cunningham's Father: No! It's just he sometimes makes things up when he doesn't know what else to say.
Cunningham: Bishop Donahue said it's because I have no self-esteem and desperately want to fit in with by my peers.
Price's Father: Well alright everybody, I think it's time we leave these two to their work. [to the new companions] Boy you boys have a lot of catching up to do now that you're comapnions. This is it, elders. You're heading... to Africa. [the families step away as a woman comes in doing an African song similar to the opening to The Circle of Life. When she's done, the families return] Well how did you like that, boys? A real Lion King send-off. We got Mrs. Brown to sing like an African for you.
Price: Thanks, Dad. [to Mrs. Brown] That was great!
Mrs. Brown: Well, good luck in Africa, boys! I've never been, but I hear it's a HOOT!
Cunningham's Father: [hugs his son one more time] Well, goodbye, son, and please be careful.
Price's Father: [grabs Price's upper arms] Now you get out there and you baptize those Africans, boy! [a last round of goodbye and the families leave]
Price: Bye, Mrs. Brown!
Mrs. Brown: Bye, baby.
[In flight. The two elders get on a plane and find their seats]
Cunningham: Well? This is you and me now, comapnion.
Price: Yup, that's right, elder.
Cunningham: Fromt this point on, according to Rule #72, we are never allowed to go anywhere without each other. Except the bathroom.
Price: Yes, that's right.
Cunningham: This is so awesome! Because all my friends always end up leaving me, but you can't! [cackles several times. Price looks away and Cunningham slaps Price's lap to get his attention] Okay, favorite movies: Are you a Star Wars guy or are you a Star Trek guy? [jabs Price on the left shoulder] I wanna know everything about you. Personally I like Star Wars, but I'm willing to like Star Trek if you think it's better?
Price: Okay Elder, uh... Look, I like to have fun just as much as the next guy, you know, but um, look, things are different now. We are mennn. This is our time to prove that we are worthy.
Cunningham: Worthy of what?
Price: Of everything we've been promised in the afterlife
I've always had the hope that on the day I go to heaven
Havenly Father will shake my hand and say "You've done an awesome job, Kevin."
Now it's our time to go out-
Cunningham: My best friend
Price: -to set the world's people free.
We con do it together, you and me, but mostly meeeeeeeeeeee! [stands up, then tugs at Cunningham to stand up too]
You and me, but mostly me, are gonna change the world forever.
'Cause I can do most anything.
Cunningham: And I can stand next to you and watch. [Price nods vigorously]
Price: Every hero needs a sidekick, every captain needs a mate.
Cunningham: Aye -aye!
Price: Every dinner needs a side dish
Cunningham: On a slightly smaller plate
Price, Cunningham: And now we're seeing eye to eye! It's so great we can agree
That Heavenly Father has chosen you and me
Price: Just mostly meeee. [the spotlight squeezes Cunningham out of view]
Something incredible. I'll do something incredible
I wanna be the Mormon who changed all of mankind
Cunningham: My best friend.
Price: It's something I've foreseen, and now that I'm 19
I'll do something incredible that blows God's freaking miiiiind!
Price, Cunningham: And as long as we stick together
Cunningham: And I stay out of your way.
Price: Out of my way.
Cunningham: We'll change the world
Price, Cunningham: Forever
Cunningham: And make tomorrow a Latter Day!
Price: Mostly me!
Cunningham: So quit thinking about it
Price, Cunningham: And do it. How ready and psyched ar we?
And life is about to chagen for you
And life is about to chagen for me
And life is about to chagen for you and me
Cunningham: But me mostly
And there's no limit to what we can do...
Me and you...
But mostly... MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
[Cunningham looks at Price admiringly and rests his arms on his suitcase handle. They head back to their seats and finish the flight]
[Kitguli, northern Uganda. As the natives go about their bueiness, Price and Cunningham get off a bus.]
Cunningham: Well, looks like we made it, huh? [whips out his camera and starts filming]
Price: Yeah, that was... that was one long trip.
Cunningham: I'll say! Here we are in Kitguli, Uganda, and what do you think of Uganda, helper?
Price: Well uum, I think it's really different!
Cunningham: Yeah, it's different. [they both laugh]
Guard 1: [emerges from the milling crowd] Yeah yeah! What have we here, maybe?! German?! British?! [Price waves at him] American. [Cunningham takes out his digital camera and starts filming]
Price: Hello sir. Uh, we're here to see Mister Mafala Hatimbi.
Guard 1: Yeah. Your bags! [he opens Price's suitcase while his assistant opens Cunningham's. They both start rifling through the contents]
Price: Oh uh, sir, we don't have anything illegal in there, sir. Uh, we're from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
Cunningham: Here are some men with guns searching through our bags.
Guard 2: Shut up! [takes Cunningham's camera and puts it in the suitcase. Cunningham puts up his arms and shrieks] We take these bags!
Price: What?
Guard 1: This is your tariff... to the general!
Price: The, the general? Get I get one thi-
Guard 1: [aims his semiautomatic at him] You shut the fuck up! You want to die?!
Price: Omigosh! Okay-
Cunningham: Just take the bags!! Why are you doing this?! [the two guards put away their weapons and leave with the bags]
Mafala: [enters and grabs hands - Cunningham's left hand and Price's right hand] Ahh, there you are! I have been looking all over for you. I am Mafala Hatimbi. I have been hired to show you to your building.
Price: Look, some men just took our bags.
Mafala: You must be very careful around here. [lets go of their hands] Now let's get going! [jogs away. Price and Cunningham follow]
Price: Uh no, uh, shouldn't you call the police and see if we can get our bags back?
Mafala: Oho, the police... [laughs] The police are in Kampala, two days' drive away.
Price: There's a lot of really important stuff in those bags.
Mafala: Oh well, hasa diga eebowai.
Cunningham: 'Scuse me?
Mafala: You're in Northern Uganda now, and in this part of Africa we all have a saying. Whenever something bad happens, we just throw our hands to the sky and say "hasa diga eebowai."
Cunningham: Hasa Diga eebowai?
Mafala: It's the only way to get through all these troubles. And, there's war! Poverty! Famine! But, having a saying makes it all seem better.
There isn't enough food to eat. Hawa diga eebowai. People are starving in the street.
Ugandans: Hasa diga eebowai.
Women (Men): Haaaasa Diga Eeebowai! (Haaaasa Diga Eeebowai)
Haaaasa Diga Eeebowai! (Haaaasa Diga Eeebowai)
Price: Well that's pretty neat.
Cunningham: Does it mean no worries for the rest of our days?
Mafala: Kind of...
We've had no rain in several days.
Ugandans: Hasa diga eebowai.
Mafala: And 80% of us have AIDS
Ugandans: Hasa diga eebowai.
Mafala: Many young girls here get circumcised. Their clits get cut right off!
Ugandans: Weyo!
Women: And so we say up to the sky
Ugandans: Hasa diga eebowai.
Women (Men): Haaaasa Diga Eeebowai! (Haaaasa Diga Eeebowai)
Haaaasa Diga Eeebowai! (Haaaasa Diga Eeebowai)
Mafala: Now you try it! [the other Ugandans react] Just stand up tall, tilt your head to the sky, and list off the bad things in your life!
Cunningham: Somebody took our luggage away.
Ugandans: Hasa diga eebowai.
Price: The plane was crowded and our bus was late.
Ugandans: Hasa diga eebowai.
Mafala: When the world is getting you down, there's nobody else to blame.
Ugandans: Weyo! [an Ugandan woman hands her baby over to Price and then joins the others in dance.]
Mafala: Raise your middle finger to the sky and curse his rotten name!
Price: Wait, what? [tries to give the baby back to the woman, but isn't able to, so he turns to address Mafala]
Cunningham: Hasa diga eebowai. Am I saying that right?
Women: Hasa diga eebowai.
Price: [burping the baby] Excuse me, sir, but, but what exactly does that phrase mean?
Mafala: Well let's see: eebowai means God. And hasa diga means "Fuck you." So I guess in English it would be, "Fuck you... God!"
Ugandans: Hasa diga eebowai.
Price: What??
Mafala: When God fucks you in the butt,
Ugandans: Hasa diga eebowai.
Mafala: Fuck God right back in his cunt.
Ugandans: Hasa diga eebowai.
Cunningham: Hasa diga eebowai. What a nifty phrase.
Ugandans: Weyo! [Price tries to find the right woman to give the baby back to, and his search gets frantic. He finally finds her and gives the baby back]
Cunningham: Hasa diga eebowai. Hasa diga eebowai. [gets carried away and Price pulls him aide]
Price: You have to stop saying that!
Cunningham: I do??
Price: It means something very bad.
Cunningham: What?
Price: They are saying F U to Heavenly Father.
Cunningham: F U to Heavenly Father??? Holy moly I said it like thirteen times!
Women (Men): [they begin sticking out their middle fingers] Haaaasa Diga Eeebowai! (Fuck you, God!)
Haaaasa Diga Eeebowai! (Fuck you, God!)
Price: Excuse me, sir, but you should really not be saying that. Things aren't always as bad as they seem.
Mafala: Oh really? Well take this fucking asshole Mutumbo here. He got caught last week trying to rape a baby.
Price: What?? Why??
Mafala: Some people in his tribe believe that having sex with a virgin will cure their AIDS. There aern't many virgins left, sooo, some of them are turning to babies.
Cunningham: But that's horrible!
Mafala: I know!
Ugandans: Hasa diga eebowai.
Mafala: Here's the butcher, he has AIDS
Here's the teacher, she has AIDS
Here's the doctor, he has AIDS
Here's my daughter, she has a_____
Wonderful disposition
She's all I have left in the world
And if either of you lays a hand on her...
I will give you my AIDS!
Ugandans: If you don't like what we say, try living here a couple days.
Watch all your friends and family die! Hasa diga eebowai!
Men: Fuuuck you!
Ugandans: Fuck! You!
Women: Hasa diga eebowai! [Price and Cunningham sit on the ground now]
Ugandans: Fuck you God in the ass, mouth and cunt-uh!
Fuck you God in the ass, mouth and cunt-uh!
Fuck you God in the ass, mouth and cunt-uh!
Fuck you in the eye!
Men (Women): Fuck you God in the ass, mouth and cunt-uh! (Hasa)
Fuck you God in the ass, mouth and cunt-uh! (diga eebowai)
Fuck you God in the ass, mouth and cunt-uh! (Hasa)
Ugandans: Fuck you in the other eye! [Price and Cunningham get up. Mafala begins to dance with Cunningham and Nabulungi begins to dance with Price]
Women (Men): Fuck you, God! (Fuck you, God!)
Fuck you, God!
Fuck you, God! (Fuck you!)
Ugandans: Hasa Diga, Fuuuck Youuu Goddd! In the cuuuuuunt! [the villagers put up their middle fingers one last time, then leave. Mafala's daughter takes Price and Cunningham to their quarters]
Fuck you, God!
[The Morman missionary living quarters, outside]
Nabulungi: This is where my father asked me to bring you. The other like you should be inside.
Cunningham: Thank you very much Jam ban Chofi.
Nabulungi: Nabulungi.
Cunningham: Nam ban Chofi.
Price: Ah, I'm sorry. We, we really appreciate your help, Nabulungi.
Cunningham: Oh hey, hey...
Price: Um, heh, um, um, look, maybe, maybe sometime Elder Cunningham and I could, could talk to you, maybe tell you a little bit about the Church of Jesusu Christ of Latter Day Saints? [Cunningham cackles]
Nabulungi: I, I have to get back to my village, but I am always there if you would like to talk. [walks away, but stops for a moment] Just, just one piece of advice: no matter how hot you get at night, keep your windows closed. It is the only to protect against the scorpions. And the mosquitoes. And the lions. And the murderers and the robbers, and the AIDS, and the snakes and the safari ants which can actually plant their eggs underneath your skin and eat you from the inside out. [waves goodbye and leaves]
Price: Man elder, can you believe this?
Cunningham: [already smitten] I know, she is such a hot shade of black, right? She's like, she's like a latte.
Price: Let's go inside and meet the other elders, alright? [they go inside]
[the Mormon missionary living quarters, inside]
Price: Hello?
McKinley: The new recruits are here! [walks up to them and shakes their hands] Welcome Elder Price and Elder Cunningham. I am Elder McKinley, current district leader for this area of the Uganda missionn.
Price: Nice to meet you.
Church: [walks up to shake their hands] And my name is Elder Church, originally from the great city of Cheyenne, Wyoming.
Michaels: [walks up to shake their hands] Elder Michaels from Provo.
Thomas: Elder Thomas, but the elders here all call me me Elder Pop-Tart, 'cause I love them so much.
McKinley: And over there are Elder Neeley and Elder Davis.
Price: Whoa, that's a lot to remember. [they all laugh. Cunningham cackles]
McKinley: Let's sit, let's sit [the other elders gather around the couch] Well, we've all been together about three months now, sharing the Word of Christ, saving the souls of the fine Ugandan people through baptism.
Price: Well uh, how many have you baptized so far?
McKinley: Uh... zero.
Cunningham: That's practically nothing.
McKinley: Zero, yes, but there's always hope that tomorrow will be different.
Cunningham: Right! Because tomorrow is a Latter Day! [Price gets up and walks away, and Cunningham catches up with him.] Hey, are you alright, partner?
Price: Yeah. I'm just ah... I'm just getting a little confused... right now, so.
McKinley: Oh, confused. Well elder, that is natural. There are certainly a lot of things here in Uganda that can be... disturbing. But your mission has officially started. Which means you have to do what we have all done.
I got a feelin' that you could be feelin' a whole lot better than you feel today.
You say you got a problem? Well that's no problem. It's super-easy not to feel that way.
When you start to get confused because of thoughts in your head. Don't feel those feelings. Hold them in instead...
Turn it off, like a light switch. Just go click. It's a cool little
Mormon trick. We do it all the time.
When you're feelin' certain feelings that just don't seem right.
Treat those pesky feelings like a reading light.
And turn them off, like a light switch.
Just go bap. Really, what's so hard about that?
Turn it off!
Elders: Turn it off! Right? Okay.
Church: When I was young my dad would treat my mom real bad every time the Utah Jazz would lose.
He'd start a-drinkin' and I'd start a-thinkin' "How am I gonna keep my Mom from getting abused?"
I'd see her all scared and my soul was dyin'. My dad would say to me "now don't you dare start cryin'!"
Turn it off.
Elders: Like a light switch.
Just go click. It's our nifty little
Mormon trick.
McKinley: Turn it off!
Elders: Turn. It. Off!
Thomas: My sister was a dancer, but she got cancer. The doctor said she still had two months more.
I thought she had time so I got in line for the [joined by the other elders] new iPhone at the Apple Store. [the other elders fall silent]
She lay there dying with my father and mother. Here very last words were "Where is my brother?"
Elders: Turn it off!
Thomas: Yeah!
Elders: Bid those sad feelings adieu.
Thomas: I fear that I might get cancer too. [the elders laugh, then "...oh", then silence]
McKinley: When I was in fifth grade I had a friend, Steve Blade (Steve Blade). He and I were close as two friends could be (We could be close...)
One thing led to another, and soon I would discover (Wow!) I was having really [joined by the other elders] strange feelings for Steve...
I thought about us on a deserted island (We're all alone...). We'd swim naked in the sea, and then he'd try and... [the other elders fall silent]
Woah! Turn it off! Like a light switch
There it's gone! (Good for you!) My hetero
side just won! I'm all better now
Boys should be with girls, that's Heavenly Father's plan
So if you ever feel you'd rather be with a man –
Turn it off!
Price: Well, Elder McKinley, I think it's okay that you're having gay thoughts. Just so long as you never act upon them.
McKinley: No, 'cause then you're just keepin' it down.
Like a dimmer switch on low... (On low...)
Thinking nobody needs to know (Uh oh...)
But that's not true!
Being gay is bad, but lying is worse.
So just realize you have a curable curse,
And turn it off! (Turn it off!)
Turn it off! [bridge]
Elders: Turn it off!
McKinley: Now, how do you feel?
Price: The same.
Elders: Awww.
McKinley: Then you've only got yourself
to blame. You didn't pretend hard enough.
Imagine that your brain is made of tiny boxes
Then find the box that's gay and CRUSH IT!
Okay?!
Price: No, no. I'm not having gay thoughts!
Cunningham: Alright! It worked!
Elders: Yay!!!
He turned it ooooff! (Turned it off!)
Turn it off! Turn it ooooff!
Turn it off! Turn it off!
Like a light switch
Just go 'click'! (Click click!)
What a cool little Mormon trick (Trick trick!)
We do it all the time!
McKinley: When you're feelin' certain feelings that just don't seem right (don't seem right)
Treat those pesky feelings like a reading light
And turn it off!
Elders: Like a light switch on a cord
And now he isn't gay any
Turn it, turn it, turn it, turn it...
Turn it, turn it, turn it, turn it...
Tuu-uuu-urn it...
McKinley: Turn it off! (Off!) [pause as everyone winds down] Alright elders, alright. Our two new missionaries must be exhausted from all their travels. Let's show them their room so they can umpack. A six, seven, eight. [McKinley takes them to the room, and the other elders leave]
[the Mormon building, Price and Cunningham's bedroom. McKinley shows them in]
McKinley: Tada. [two beds are shown onstage]
Cunningham: All right! Check it out! We get to sleep right next to each other!
McKinley: Alright elders, get settled in. Now, according to missionary rules, lights out promptly at 10, and we all wake up at exactly 6:30. [Cunningham starts getting ready for bed] I've heard a lot of great things about you, Elder Price. I'm really hopin' you can... turn things around here.
Cunningham: Hoho, don't worry. We will.
McKinley: Elders, we're glad you're here. [opems the door, leaves, and closes the door. He starts tap dancing away to his room]
Price: Heavenly Father, as we prepare to turn in for the night, we ask that you give us the... the strength to spread your wisdom and also, and also the knowledge-
Cunningham: [interrupts by jumping to Price's side on Price's bed] Do you think Frodo was really the hero of The Lord Of The Rings? Sometimes I think it was actually Samwise that did everything.
Price: What?
Cunningham: I mean think about it: Who got the ring back from Gollum? Hm? OH! Samwise. And who pulled Frodo up the side of the mountain just think about however to- I remember now! Samwise Samwise did it!
Price: [stands up] Okay um, uh, Elder, I- Maybe we should have some companionship evaluation time.
Cunningham: [lays back on Price's bed] Oh, yeah!
Price: [paces slowly around the rom] Alright! [begins to undress] Uh, you clearly... have a great passion for uh... for, for things. And, and and you like to talk about... stuff? Um, I was wondering if maybe uh, the things and stuff you seem to be focusing on are the things and stuff that apply to the reason we are here. Can you do that for me?
Cunningham: I'd do anything for you! I'm your best friend.
Price: Well, all right then...let's get some sleep, huh?
Cunningham: Yeah... Oh yeah [moves back to his bed, settles in, then looks over Price's shoulder after Price settles into his own bed]
Sleep now, little buddy, put your cares aside.
Nappy with a happy face, I am by your side.
Price: What are you doing?
Cunningham: I'm just trying to make you feel better. [stands up.]
Price: I feel fine. [sits up, and Cunningham joins him at the side of the bed again] But this is what I'm talking about. Your focus needs to be on our WORK. Do you understand how difficult this is gonna be? The missionaries here have yet to baptize a single person.
Cunningham: Well, if they had already baptized a bunch of people here, then it wouldn't be so incredible when YOU did it, now would it?
Price: [thinks a moment] I guess. I guess that's sort of true...
Cunningham: Don't worry. I'm not gonna let you down. Today we're gonna bring lots of Africans to the church. I just know it.
Price: You know what, Elder? You're alright.
Cunningham: Really??
Price: Yeah.
Cunningham: [grabs Price's blanket and wears it as a cape] Evening star shines brightly, God makes life anew!
Sleep now, tighty night! [Price takes his blanket back and covers himself with it] ...and I am here for you.
Price: I am here for you, too.
Both: We are here, for us.
Cunningham: [whispering] Goodnight, best friend! [pats Price on the left cheek]
Price: Goodnight, pal.
[The Ugandan village, next day. An African song is heard. A man rolls a tire across the stage. Mafala walks out and looks around, then walks away. He returns to look again when Nabulungi appears]
Mafala: Nabulungi! Where have you been?!
Nabulungi: Baba, look what I found in the market!
Mafala: What have I told you about wandering off?! The market is not safe!
Nabaluni: But Baba, I finally found one. A texting device. [she's holding a typewriter, with paper already in it] Now I can text all of my friends.
Mafala: [takes the typewriter from her] Listen to me woman! Do not go to the market again! The general is mutilating girls in the next village over!
Nabaluni: Baba I'm sorry.
Mafala: Nabulungi, we must be careful. If we want to stay alive, our village needs to lay low and not attract any attention.
Price, Cunningham: [marching in cheerily] City lights here we go from northern ligh- uh.
Price: Let's go out and get some placements!
Cunningham: Right! Uh, what's a placement again?
Price: [sighs] A placement is getting somebody to take a Book of Mormon. If you give one out, that counts as a placement. Remember?
Cunningham: Right, I knew that...
Price: Look, maybe you should just let me do the talking an-and you can sort of support what I'm saying by going "oh wow" and stuff like that.
Cunningham: Yeah! ...Yeah, like one of those infomercials. You know how they have, how they always have some guy trying to sell something and then, there's always some lady like, standing next to them saying "Oh wow, what an incredible offer!" I'm, I'm like that lady!
Price: Okay. Yeah! Okay, whatever. [spots a house nearby] Uh, what do you say we just start with this little house, huh? We just walk up like we're at the missinary training center.
Cunningham: Okay!
Price: Okay!
Cunningham: Okay! [they laugh merrily and walk to the house. Cunningham looks around for a doorbell...] There's no doorbell! [feels like vomiting] There isn't any doorbell! [starts throwing up and Price is trying to calm him down when a woman leaves the house]
Kalimba: What do you want?!
Price: Oh... Hello ma'am, d- [glances at Cunningham to make sure he's alright, then turns back to the woman] Do you ever feel like there's something missing from your life? [she looks at him quizzically] Um, when you go to sleep at night, do you s-, do you sometimes feel a power stirring inside you?
Gotswana: Yes. That's how I feel.
Price: Oh. [abandons the woman] You sir! Come on down here, huh? [the man appears] Do you find yourself asking questions about this feeling?
Gotswana: Yes.
Price: And it's because... you want to believe in something else, isn't it?
Gotswana: No, it's because I have maggots in my scrotum.
Cunningham: YOU GOT WHAT??
Gotswana: I have maggots in my scrotum. Can you tell?
Price: Well, uh, you, you you should probably see the doctor.
Gotswana: I am the doctor. [Cunningham starts babbling and Price turns and grabs his shoulders]
Price: Just calm down, calm down! [Cunningham quiets down and Price releases him] I got this. [turns to the doctor and anyone else who would hear] Ladies and gentlemen, we would like to tell you all about a very special book.
Gotswana: Eh, what kind of book?
Price: Well, this book tells you how to find Paradise... in Christ.
Nabulungi: [appears] They've heard of the Bible. We all have.
Cunningham: [trying to be smooooth] Banbanchelfi. Hey girl.
Nabulungi: People come and tell us about Jesus and his dying for our sins once a year.
Kalimba: They always come, tell the story, and leave! Nothing is better! Your Bible doesn't work.
Price: Well of course that didn't work. Thhose were Christian missionaries. We're Mormons.
Nabulungi: What's the difference? [Price's face lights up]
Price: We've got a little more... pizzazz. A touch more rock and roll. And most important, a hip new prophet by the name of Joseph Smith.
Have you heard of the All-American Prophet?
The blond-haired, blue-eyed voice of God?
He didn't come from the Middle East like those other holy men,
The most blessed Prophet was All-American!
I'm gonna take you back to Biblical times. 1823. An American man named Joe livin' on a farm in the holy land of upstate New York!
Cunningham: You mean the Mormon prophet Joseph Smith?
Price: That's right! That young man spoke to God!
Cunningham: He spoke to God?
Price: And God said "Joe, people really need to know that the Bible isn't two parts! There's a part three to The Bible, Joe! And I, God, have anointed you to dig up this part three that's buried by a tree on a hill in your backyard!"
Cunningham: Wow! God says go to your backyard and start digging! That makes perfect sense!
Price: Joseph Smith went up on that hill and dug where he was told!
And deep in the ground Joseph found shining plates of gold!
Joseph Smith: What are these golden plates? Who buried them here and why?
Price: Then appeared an angel: his name was Moroni!
Chorus: Ahhhhh...
Moroni (Chorus): I... am Moroni.
The All-American angel! (All-American!)
My people lived here long, long ago! (So long ago!)
This is a history of my race, please read the words within
We were Jews who met with Christ, but we were All-American!
But don't let anybody see these plates except for you...
They are only for you to see...
Even if people ask you to show the plates to them, don't
Just copy them onto normal paper
Even though this might make them question if the plates are real or not...
This is sort of what God is going for...
Price: Joseph took the plates home and wrote down what he found inside
He turned those plates into a book then he rushed into town and cried:
Joseph Smith: Hey! God spoke to me and gave me this blessed ancient tome
He has commanded me to publish it and stick it in ev'ry home!
Cunningham: Wow! So the Bible is actually a trilogy and the Book of Mormon is Return of the Jedi?! I'M interested!
Price (Chorus): Now many people didn't believe the prophet Joseph Smith. They thought he made up this part three that was buried by a tree on the hill in his backyard. (Backyard!) Many people even called Joseph Smith a liar. (Liar!) So Joe said,
Joseph Smith: This is no lie, I speak to God all the time and he told me to head west! So I'll take my part three from the hill with the tree. Feel free if you'd like to come along with me to the promised land! (The promised land?) Paradise, on the west coast!
Nothing but fruit and fields as far as the eye can see!
Price: Joe led his followers across the USA
Spreading their new religion to folks along the way
They kept searching for that promised land, no promise there would be.
And as they passed through every town, the Mormons would decree!
All: Have you heard of the All-American prophet?
He found a brand-new book about Jesus Christ!
We're following him to paradise, we call ourselves Mormon
And our new religion is All-American!
Cunningham: Wow, this all sounds so incredibly awesome!
Price: The Mormons kept on searching for that place to settle down
But every time they thought they found it they got kicked out of town
And even though people wanted to see the golden plates
Joseph never showed 'em________!
Gotswana: I__________ have maggots in my scrotum
Price: Um... okay... Well, anyway...
Now comes the part of our story that gets a little bit sad
On the way to the promised land, Mormons made people mad
Joseph was shot by an angry mob and knew he'd soon be dead
And even as his life drained away, he stood by what he said:
Joseph Smith: You must now lead the people, my good friend Brigham Young
You're wise and pure of heart, and, all-Ameri...can
Oh God, why are you letting me die
Without having me show people the plates?
They'll have no proof I was telling the truth or not
They'll have to believe me just...'cause
Oh...I guess that's kinda what you were going for
Blargggh...
Price: The prophet Joseph Smith died for what he believed in. But his followers, they kept heading west. And Brigham Young led them to paradise. A sparkling land in Utah they called Salt Lake City. And we come from there and ready to tell you what those early settlers sang long ago!
All: Have you heard of the All-American Church
Here's a pocket hand-held Bible for you!
Price and Cunningham: It'll all make sense if you read Part 3, so follow those books from the hill with the tree!
All: And you'll reach the promised land too!
Cunningham: Keep you word and then we'll also throw in a set of steak knives!
All: All-American! [An Ugandan woman walks up to Price and Nabulungi walks away]
Price: So? Who would like their very own copy of the Book of Mormon?
Woman: What the fuck is a steak knife? [walks away. Price to get her back, but decides instead to deal with Cunningham]
Price: What the heck were you doing?!
Cunningham: [trembling] Just doing my part, you know, 'cause we're supposed to be a team.
Price: Well egh, there's nothing in the Book of Mormon about steak knives!
Cunningham: I'm I'm sorry. I've never actually read it.
Price: You what?
Cunningham: It's, it's just so boring!
Price: How could you go on believing that-?
General: [enters the village] JOMAMOSI! [his guards catch up]
A Woman: He's here!
General: What is this?! Some kind of public assembly?! [notices the two missionaries and gestures towards them, then walks over] My name is General Koni, leader of the NRA Rebellion and protector!
Man: Here you don't protect anyone! We have not signed up for your rebellion! It is just a gang of thugs who steal and mutliate women for no reason!
General: For no reeason?! [walks up to the man] The clitoris... is an abomination! It's hoodoo power... has brought a warth upon Uganda and it must be cast out!.
Man: My wife's body is none of your business! And you are no general.
General: By the end of the week, all females in this village WILL BE CIRCUMCISED! Or else. [pulls a small gun from his vest and kills the man point-blank through his forehead. The man falls down and everyone screams and scatters]
[The Hatimbi house Mafala has turned off all the lights and closed all the windows]
Mafala: All right, they're all gone. You have to stay indoors, Nabulungi! Keep the lights off, and the windows closed!
Nabulungi: But Baba, we have to st- help and fight him!
Mafala: We can't fight against this, Nabulungi! We just have to hope they move on!
Nabulungi: But Baba... they white boys...
Mafala: What?
Nabulungi: They said they know the answers to our problems.
Mafala: I have to go check on the others!
Nabulungi: Listen to me, Baba! The Mormons talked abuot people who were miserable like us, but they all found someplace to go. Somewhere wonderful. I'm going to text them right now and tell them we are interested. [picks up her typewriter and starts typing away]
Mafala: [takes the typewriter from her] Put that stupid thing down! [sets it down] Just stay inside, and do not open the door for anyone! [walks out]
Nabulungi: My mother once told me of a place with waterfalls and unicorns flying
Where there was no suffering, no pain, where there was laughter instead of dying
I always thought she’d made it up to comfort me in times of pain
But now I know that place is real, now I know its name
Sal Tlay Ka Siti, not just a story mama told
But a village in Ooh-tah, where the roofs are thatched with gold
If I could let myself believe, I know just where I’d be.
Right on the next bus to paradise: Sal Tlay Ka Siti
I can imagine what it must be like...this perfect, happy place:
I’ll bet the goat meat there is plentiful, and they have vitamin injections by the case
The warlords there are friendly, they help you cross the street
And there’s a Red Cross on every corner with all the flour you can eat!
Sal Tlay Ka Siti, the most perfect place on Earth
Where flies don’t bite your eyeballs and human life has worth
It isn’t a place of fairy tales, it’s as real as it can be
A land where evil doesn’t exist: Sal Tlay Ka Siti
And I'll bet the weather is nice there, and I'm sure the streets are clean.
And I hope that when I get there, I’ll be able to fit in...
Will I fit in?
Sal Tlay Ka Siti, a land of hope and joy
And if I want to get there, I just have to follow that white boy
You were right, mama, you didn’t lie –
The place is real, and I’m gonna fly!
I’m on my way...soon life won’t be so shitty
Now salvation has a name: Sal Tlay Ka Siti
[the Mormon building, inside. One group of elders is studying scripture on the floor, the other group is studying scripture on the couch. McKinley walks in looking agitated]
McKinley: O M Gosh you guys, I am freaking out!
Davis: What is it?
McKinley: I just got off the phone with the zone leader. The mission president wants a written progress report from us THIS WEEK!
Michaels: A progress report? But we don't have any baptisms.
McKinley: I know that! What are we gonna do?! [the other elders begin to answer]
Church: Okay okay okay! Hold on! I mean, maybe we should just...say... we have some baptisms.
McKinley: What? You mean, lie?
Church: Well...
Schrader: Are you an idiot?! Mormons don't lie!
Neeley: I once told a lie when I was 12 and I had a dream that I went to hell! It was really spooky.
Thomas: You did? I got the worst hell dreams after the day that my sister died. She-
Neeley: You guys have the hell dreams too??
McKinley: Look, we've all had the spooky hell dream, people. I have it nightly. The issue now is what the heck am I supposed to tell the mission president! [Price and Cunningham etner the building, with Price being covered in blood from the man shot moments before]
Church: [gently pushes other elders aside] Elder Price? What happened to you?!
Price: Afirca... is nothing like The Lion King! I think that movie took a lot of artistic license!
Cunningham: He's upset because we just saw some guy get shot in the face
Price: I can't continue my mission in this way! There's absolutely nothing I can accomplish here!
McKinley: Elder Price, you cannot lose your cool on me now! We're about to get evaluated by the mission president!
Price: The mission president... That's it, I need to go talk to the mission president and get transferred! [turns around. Canningham stops him]
Cunningham: Buddy! Buddy, I know things seem tough right now, but remember, tomorrow is a Latter Day!
Elders: Yeah!
Price: Latter Day doesn't mean tomorrow! It means the afterlife! Reckoning! Latter Day, when, when good people get to go to Heavenly Father and they get everything they've always wanted! I'm out of here!
McKinley: Hey, HEY! Are you forgetting Rule Number 23?! You may NOT... leave the living quarters after 9 pm!
Price: To HECK with the rules! I'm not wasting the most important two years of my life! [storms out]
Cunningham: Hey uh... [follows him out] Hold up, you forgot me!
McKinley: Elder Cunningham! [] Do you also want to break Rule Number 23?
Cunningham: Oh no! What amm I supposed to do?? According to Rule Number 23, I can't leave the living quarters after curfew! But according to Rule Number 72 I can't leave my companion alone! This is like a Matrix logic trick! Rule 23, Rule 72, Rule 23, [his glasses fly off his face] I CAN'T SEE! [McKinley retrieves his glasses and gives them back to him so he could put them back on] It's been a ???, it's okay. I'm sorry guys, he's MY BEST FRIEND! [runs out after Price and slams the door]
[Away from the Mormon building]
Cunningham: Elder Price! Hey, come on! We're supposed to be together at all times!
Price: I can't do something incredible here!
Cunningham: Okay! Stop, breathe, think! This isn't what you want to do.
Price: Yes it is!
Cunningham: Okay! Uhhh, right. If that's what you want to do, then that's what we're doin'. We're transferring. I'm with you-
Price: I didn't say we're transferring! I said I am.
Cunningham: Oh I see...
Price: Look, you and me, we're s- not that compatible, alright?
Cunningham: Well we only became best friends a few days ago. May-
Price: And I'm not your best friend!! I just got stuck with you by the missionary training center!! [long pause] I didn't mean to, I didn't mean to say "stuck"... It's just that-
Cunningham: Eh, yeah, yeah, it's fine.
Price: I just meant that
Cunningham: It's, it's alright. I know how it goes. It's really fine. I'll be, I'll be totally fine.
Price: [suddenly relieved] Yes! Yes, you will be alright. It's just that we... need um... different things.
Cunningham: Right.
Price: You know?
Cunningham: Right, just... different things is all.
Price: It was really nice meeting you.
Cunningham: Yeah... You too. Take it easy. [Price leaves, and Cunningham is alone]
Evening star shines brightly, God makes life anew!
Sleep now, tighty night! I was there for you. [turns right and walks away slowly, sadly]
Nabulungi: [appearing] ?There you are! Thank goodness I found you. Where is your friend?
Cunningham: Uh, I don't have any friends.
Nabulungi: No! I have written Elder Price a text. Here. [hands Cunningham a typewritten letter] It says to please come back to the village. We are ready.
Cunningham: To do what?
Nabulungi: To listen to him. I texted everyone that we have to give Elder Price a chance.
Cunningham: Well I'm sorry, he's requested a transfer.
Nabulungi: ...What is a transfer?
Cunningham: That means he'll be sent somewhere else.
Nabulungi: No, he can't leave. We are ready to listen.
Cunningham: It's too late. He's already made up his mind. [Nabulungi turns away and walks off slowly, but thrns around]
Nabulungi: What about you?
Cunningham: Me? What?
Nabulungi: He is gone, but you are still here. You will lead us! Teach us everything about what is in the Book of Mormon!
Cunningham: Me?? Nooo! Noohoho! I'm a follower.
Nabulungi: Everyone's waiting. Come back to the village and you will have your listeners. I swear it.
Cunningham: What did Jesus do when they sentenced him to die?
Did he try to run away? Did he just break down and cry?
No, Jesus dug down deep, knowing what he had to do –
When faced with his own death, Jesus knew that he had to...
Man up, he had to man up.
So he crawled up on that cross, and he stuck it out.
And he manned up; Christ, he manned up.
And taught us all what real manning up is about.
And now it's up to me, and it's time to man up.
Jesus had his time to, now it's mine to man up.
I'm taking the reins, I'm crossing the bear –
And just like Jesus, I'm growing a pair!
I've gotta stand up, can't just clam up.
It's time to man uuuuuup!
'Cause there's a time in your life when you know you've got to man up.
Don't let it pass you by there's just one time to man up.
Watch me man up like nobody else!
I'm gonna man up all over myself!
I've got to get ready: it's time to, time to...
What did Jesus do when they put nails through his hands?
Did he scream like a girl, or did he take it like a man?
When someone had to die to save us from our sins,
Jesus said, "I'll do it," and he took it on the chin!
He manned up, and manned up.
He took a bullet for me and you.
That's man up, real man up.
And now it's my time to... do it too!
Time to be a hero and slay the monster!
Time to battle darkness, "You're not my Father!"
I'm gonna time to, just watch me go!
Time to stand up and steal the show!
Time ta, tine ta, time ta, time ta, time ta-a.
Nabulungi: Sal Tlay Ka Siti, a place of hope and joy.
Cunningham: To man up!
Nabulungi: And if we want to go there, we just have to follow that white boy.
Cunningham: Time to!
Price: Heavenly Father, why do you let bad things happen?
Ugandans: Ka Lay Ka Siti!
Nabulungi: Did you get my text?
Price: I can't believe all the terrible things you let happen!
Ugandans: Ka-lay-ka Siti, we got your text!
Price: I don't belong in a place like this!
Cunningham: Man up!
Price: Take me back to where things make sense!
A place I konw where God exists – Orlando!!!
Chorus: Orlando!
Ugandans: We will listen to the fat white guy!
Cunningham: My time to, time to. Now it's my time to, time to!
Ugandans: But Hasa Diga Eebowai!
Cunningham: No time to, not time to. Now it's time to, time to!
Ugandans: Huuh!
Cunningham: I'm in the lead for the very first time!
Ugandans: Time to!
Cunningham: I'm home with the people to show me ta-
Ugandans: Mine to!
Cunningham: I've got to stand up, get my flippin' can up.
It's time to, time taaaaaaaa!
Nabulungi: (Cunningham: Man up!!) Sal Tlay Ka Siti (Price: Orlando!)
Sal Tlay Ka Siti (Cunningham: Man up!! Price: Orlando!)
Sal Tlay Ka Siti
Sal Tlay Ka Siti
Sal Tlay____________________________
Cunningham: It is time to_________________________
Gotswana: ...............I have maggots in my scrotum!
Intermission
Act II
[fanfare]
Narrator: Indeed, it camem to pass that the prophet Joseph Smith discovered the Book of Mormon on golden plates. But what exactly is the Book of Mormon about? It tells of Hebrew tribes that walked in ancient America. The gentle Nephites, and the wicked Lamanites. They fought many great battles, but then, just after his crucifixion, Christ appeared.
Jesus: I... am Jesus. I've just been crucified on the other side of the world. I only have three days before I am resurrected, but in that time I will preach here to you in America.
Narrator: And lo, Christ spoke of many things, and the Nephites came forth and wrote the teachings on plates of gold. Plates, that became the Book of Mormon, a book that is still today read by missionaries all over the world!
[The Ugandan village. Elder Cunningham is now preaching to the Ugandans]
Cunningham: And it came to pass that the Nephites did gather together a great number of men, even to exceed the number of 30,000.
An Ugandan: Oooo...
Cunningham: And it came to pass that in the same year they had a number of battles in which the Nephites did beat the Lamanites and did slay many of them
Woman: ...And what the fuck does that mean?
Cunningham: [softly] It means, you know, you should be nice to each other, or s- or something. [clears his throat and goes back to the book] And lo! The LORD was so displeased with the Lamanites that he caused a cursing to come upon them. And wherefore as they were white and delightsome, the LORD God did casue a skin of blackness to come upon them, and God said- [realizes that the people he's preaching to are black too] Uuuuhhhhhhhhhhh... Nev- mi-, never mind, let's, let's forget that part.
Mafala: How is this supposed to make things better for us? The general is gong to come back, and if he sees us here, we are all dead!
Nabulungi: Baba, please! We just need to listen.
Middala: To what?! Three hours we've been listening to him talk about stupid shit that happened on the other side of the Earth thousands of years ago! It has nothing to do with us.
Sadaka: Yeh! And those Nephites probably didn't even have AIDS to deal with! [the villagers disperse]
Cunningham: Uh?! Sure they did! Sure they did! Back then people had even worse AIDS! [he has their attention] Yeah! [he gets back to the book] And lo, the LORD said unto the Nephites, "I konw you're really depressed, what with all your AIDS, and everything, but there's an answer in Christ."
Nabulungi: You see? This book can help us.
Cunningham: I just told a lie... No wait, I didn't lie, I just used my imagination. And it worked!
Cunningham's Dad: You're making things up again, Arnold.
Cunningham: But it worked, Dad!
Cunningham's Dad: You're stretching the truth again and you know it.
Joseph Smith: Don't be a fibbing Fran, Arnold.
Cunningham: Joseph Smith?
Cunningham's Dad, Joesph Smith: Because a lie is a lie.
Cunningham: It's not a lie!
Cunningham's Dad, Joesph Smith, Conscience: You're making things up again, Arnold.
Cunningham: Oh conscience!
Cunningham's Dad, Joesph Smith, Conscience: You're taking the Holy Word and adding fiction.
Be careful how you proceed, Arnold.
When you fib, there's a price.
Middala: Aaaaaah, this is bull shit! The story that I have been told is the way to cure AIDS is by sleeping with a virgin! Ah I'm going to go and rape a baby.
Cunningham: WHAT? OH MY, NO! YOU CAN'T DO THAT! NO!
Middala: Why not?!
Cunningham: Because that is definitely against God's will!
Middala: Says who?! Where in that book of yours does it say anything about sleeping with a baby?! Huh?! Nowhere!
Cunningham: Uhhh, Behold! The LORD said to the Mormon prophet Joseph Smith, "You shall NOT have sex with that infant!" And lo Joseph said, "Why not, LORD? Huh? Why not?" And the LORD said, "if you lay with that infant, you shall" [makes an explosive sound] burn in the fiery pits of- Mordor!
Middala: Really?
Cunningham: Uh huh... Uh huh. "A baby cannot cure your illness, Joseph Smith. I shall give unto you a... a FROG." And thus, Joseph laid with the frog, and his AIDS was no more!
All: You're making things up again, Arnold.
You're recklessly morphing the words of Jesus
Hobbits: You can't just say what you want, Arnold.
Cunningham: Come on, Hobbits!
All: You're digging yourself a deep hole
Cunningham: I'm making things up again, kind of,
but this time it's helping a dozen people.
It's nothing so bad because this time
I'm not committing a sin just by making things up again!
Right?
All: NO!
Nabulungi: Elder Cunningham, you have to stop him!
Cunningham: What? What is it?
Nabulungi: Gotswana is gong to cut off his daughter's clitoris.
Cunningham: Huh??
Gotswana: This is all very interesting, but the general said that it is because our women aren't circumcised that God has brought this wrath upon us!
Cunningham: No, doing that to a lady is definitely against Christ's will!
Gotswana: How do you know?! Christ never said nothin' 'bout no clitoris!
Cunningham: YE-ESS! YES HE DI-ID! In ancient New York three men were about to cut off a Mormon woman's cli- toris. But, right before they did, Jesus had... Boba Fett turn them into frogs!
Gotswana: Frogs?
Woman: You mean like the frog that got fucked by Joseph Smith?
Cunningham: Riiight. Riiiight, like those frogs. For "a clitoris is holy amongst all things," said He.
Chorus (Ugandans): You're making things up again, Arnold. (We're learning the truth)
You're taking the Holy Word and adding fiction. (The truth about God!)
Be careful how you proceed, Arnold (We're going to Paradise!)
When you fib, there's a price..
Cunningham: Who would have thought I'd have this magic touch?
Who'd have believed I could man up this much?
I'm talkin', they're listenin', my stories are glistenin',
I'm gonna save them all with this stuff!
Chorus (Ugandans): You're making things up again, Arnold. (Elder Cunningham!)
You're making things up again, Arnold. (Holy prophet man!)
You're making things up again, Arnold. (Our savior!)
Cunningham: You're making things up again...
Yoda: Hmm, up again making things you are,
Cunningham: Arenooolllddd...
[Orlando. Elder Price is overjoyed to be there, dancing and singing merrily]
Price: I'm here! ... This is it! ... I'm heee-eee-ere! Orlando! Ah! It's even better than I could've imagined! The streets are clean, the people are happy... Epcot Center. I can see the ball! [carnival music comes up] The funny thing is, I don't really remember getting here. [the music and scenery get darker] Wait, this can't be Orlando. I don't even remember the plane landing. What's happening? Where am I?? [Thunder approaches]
Satan: Elder Price!
Price: Who is that?!
Satan: You broke the rules, Elder! Your soul belongs to me now!
Price: Mickey?
Satan: Hahaha, think again, Minion! You now dwell in eternal flame! [another thunderclap]
Price: I remember this place!
Long ago when I was five
I snuck in the kitchen late at night
And ate a doughnut with a maple glaze
My father asked who ate the snack
I said that it was my brother Jack
And Jack got grounded for fourteen days
I've lived with that guilt all of my life
And the terrible vision that I had that night
No, please! I don't wanna go back!!!
Demons: Down, down thy soul is cast!
From the Earth whence forth ye fell!
The path of fire leads thee
To spooky Mormon Hell dream!
Welcome back to
Spooky Mormon Hell dream!
You are having
A spooky Mormon Hell dream now!
Price (Demons): And now I've gone and done it again (Rectus!)
I committed another awful sin (Dominus!)
I left my mission companion all alone (Spookytus!)
Oh God, how could I have done this to you? (Deus!)
How could I break Rule 72? (Creepyus!)
And now my soul hath just been thrown
Back into spooky Mormon Hell dream!
Demons: Down, down to Satan's realm
See where you belong!
There is nothing you can do
No escape from spooky Mormon Hell dream!
Jesus: You blamed your brother for eating the doughnut, and now you walk out on your mission companion?! You're a DICK!
Price: Jesus, I'm sorry!
Demons: Jesus hates you, this we know!
For Jesus just told you so!
Skeleton 1: You remember Lucifer?!
Skeleton 2: He is even spookier!
Satan: HAAA HA HAAA! Bring him to meeee! AAAAHAHAAAA!
Minions of Hades, have you heard the news?
Kevin was caught playing hooky!
Now he's back with all you Cath'lics and Jews!
It's super spooky-wooky!
Price: I'm sorry, Lord, it was selfish of me
To break the rules, please I don't wanna be
In this spooky Mormon Hell dream!
Demons: Spooky Mormon Hell dream!
Genghis Khan, Jeffrey Dahmer,
Hitler, Johnnie Cochran
Their spirits all surround you!
Spooky, spooky, spoooo-ky!
Hitler: I started a war und killed millions of Jews!
Genghis Khan: I slaughtered the Chinese!
Jeffrey Dahmer: I stabbed a guy and fucked his corpse!
Johnnie Cochran: I got OJ free-eee!
Price: You think that's bad? I broke Rule 72! (*Gasps*)
I left my companion and I'm way worse than you!
I hate this spooky Mormon Hell dream!
Demons: Spooky Mormon Hell dream!
Price (Demons): Oh, Heavenly Father! (Aaa-aaa-aaa-aah)
Please give me one more chance! (Aaa-aaa-aaa-aah)
I won't break the rules again! (Aaa-aaa-aaa-aaa-aah!)
No, no more! Please!
Demons: Spooky Mormon Hell dream
Spooky Mormon Hell dream
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! [moments later Jeffrey Dahmer brings Price's father to him]
Price: Dad! Dad! [notices Dahmer fucking his dad from behind] AAAAUUUUGGGGHHH! [begins to dance with thet demons]
I can't believe Jesus called me a dick!!
Demons: Welcome, welcome to spooky Mormon Hell dream!
You are never waking up from spooky Mormon Hell dream!
Price (Demons): Oh, please help me Father! (Down, down thy soul is cast)
Please let me wake up! (From the Earth whence forth ye fell)
Give me one more chance! (This must be it, you must be there)
I won't let you down again! (In spooky Mormon Hell dream!)
Demons: Naa-aaa-aaa-oww
Aaa-aaa-aaa-aah
Spoo-ooo-ooo-ky
Spooky Mormon Hell dream now! [Price is dragged around by the demons and finally collapses]
Spooky Mormon Hell dream done! [fade to black]
[Back at the Mormon building the missionaries lay Price down and wait for him to wake up]
McKinley: I think he's coming to. [to Price] Come on, Elder Price. Wake up, buddy.
Price: Wait, what?! Where am I?!
Davis: It looks like you passed out at the bus station.
Church: We were so worried!
Price: Oh I'm, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I had a little, uh meltdown, last night. But I'm not leaving.
Elders: Oh, good, good.
Price: Yeah, I realized... that I was... That was wrong, and I'm gonna stay here aaand stick to my work!
McKinley: Oh. You had the Hell dream, didn't you?
Michaels: Was I in it? [Price looks around. Cunningham's singing is heard]
Cunningham: [entering] ...A
Last Update:March, 04th 2019