Avenue Q script
Avenue Q Script - Broadway musical
ACT IThe Avenue Q Theme
COMPANY
-The sun is shining,
It's a lovely day,
a perfect morning
for a kid to play,
but you've got lots
of bills to pay --
what can you do?
-You work real hard
and the pay's real low
and ev'ry hour
goes oh, so slow
and at the end of the day
there's nowhere to go
but home to Avenue Q!
You live on Avenue Q!
Your friends do too.
You are twenty-two
and you live on Avenue Q!
You live on Avenue Q
You live on Avenue Q!
What Do You Do With a B.A. in English? / It Sucks to Be Me
PRINCETON
What do you do with a B.A. in English?
What is my life going to be?
Four years of college
and plenty of knowledge
have earned me
this useless degree.
I can't pay the bills yet,
'cause I have no skills yet.
The world is a big
scary place...
But somehow I can't shake
the feeling I might make
a difference
to the human race!
KATE MONSTER
(spoken)
Morning, Brian!
BRIAN
Hi, Kate Monster.
KATE MONSTER
How's life?
BRIAN
Disappointing!
KATE MONSTER
What's the matter?
BRIAN
The catering company laid me off.
KATE MONSTER
Oh, I'm sorry!
BRIAN
Me too! I mean, look at me! I'm ten years out of college, and I
always thought --
KATE MONSTER
What?
BRIAN
No, it sounds stupid.
KATE MONSTER
Aww, come on!
BRIAN
(sung)
When I was little I thought I would be...
KATE MONSTER
What?
BRIAN
A big comedian on late night T.V.
But now I'm thirty-two and as you can see
I'm not.
KATE MONSTER
Nope!
BRIAN
Oh well,
it sucks to be me.
KATE MONSTER
Nooooo.
BRIAN
It sucks to be me.
KATE MONSTER
No!
BRIAN
It sucks to be broke and unemployed
and turning thirty-three.
It sucks to be me.
KATE MONSTER
Oh, you think your life sucks?
BRIAN
I think so.
KATE MONSTER
Your problems aren't so bad!
I'm kinda pretty, and pretty damn smart.
BRIAN
You are.
KATE MONSTER
Thanks!
I like romantic things like music and art.
And as you know I have a gigantic heart.
So why, don't I have a boyfriend?
Fuck! It sucks to be me!
BRIAN
Me too.
KATE MONSTER
It sucks to be me.
BRIAN
It sucks to be me.
It sucks to be Brian...
KATE MONSTER
And Kate...
BRIAN
To not have a job!
KATE MONSTER
To not have a date!
BOTH
It sucks to be me.
(spoken)
Hey, Rod, Nicky, can you settle something for us?
Do you have a second?
ROD
Ah, certainly.
KATE MONSTER
Whose life sucks more? Brian's or mine?
NICKY AND ROD
(sung)
Ours!
ROD
We live together.
NICKY
We're as close as people can get.
ROD
We've been the best of buddies...
NICKY
Ever since the day we met.
ROD
So he knows lots of ways to make me really upset.
Oh, every day is an aggravation.
NICKY
Come on, that's an exaggeration!
ROD
You leave your clothes out.
You put your feet on my chair.
NICKY
Oh yeah? You do such anal things
like ironing your underwear.
ROD
You make that very small apartment we share
a hell.
NICKY
So do you.
That's why I'm in hell too!
ROD
It sucks to be me!
NICKY
No, it sucks to be me!
KATE MONSTER
It sucks to be me!
BRIAN
It sucks to be me!
ALL
Is there anybody here it doesn't suck to be?
It sucks to be me!
CHRISTMAS EVE
Why you all so happy?
NICKY
Because our lives suck!
CHRISTMAS EVE
Your lives suck?
I hearing you correctly? Ha!
I coming to this country for opportunities.
Tried to work in Korean deli,
but I am Japanese.
But with hard work I earn two Master's Degrees
in social work!
And now I a therapist!
But I have no clients!
(smacking Brian)
And I have an
unemployed fianc?!
And we have lots
of bills to pay!
It suck to be me!
It suck to be me!
I say it
Sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-
sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-
sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-
suck!
It suck to be me.
PRINCETON
(spoken)
Excuse me?
BRIAN
Hey there.
PRINCETON
Sorry to bother you, but I'm looking for a place to live.
CHRISTMAS EVE
Why you looking all the way out here?
PRINCETON
Well, I started at Avenue A, but so far everything is out
of my price range. But this neighborhood looks a lot cheaper!
Oh, and look -- a "For Rent" sign!
BRIAN
You need to talk to the superintendent. Let me get him.
PRINCETON
Great, thanks!
BRIAN
Yo, GARY!
GARY COLEMAN
I'm comin'! I'm comin'!
PRINCETON
Oh my God! It's Gary Coleman!
GARY COLEMAN
Yes I am!
(sung)
I'm Gary Coleman
from TV's Diff'rent Strokes
I made a lotta money
that got stolen by my folks!
Now I'm broke and
I'm the butt of everyone's jokes,
but I'm here --
the superintendent!
On Avenue Q --
ALL
It sucks to be you.
KATE MONSTER
You win!
ALL
It sucks to be you.
BRIAN
I feel better now!
GARY COLEMAN
Try having people stopping you to ask you
"What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?"
It gets old.
ALL
It sucks to be you.
On Avenue Q.
(sucks to be me)
On Avenue Q.
(sucks to be you)
On Avenue Q.
(sucks to be us)
But not when
we're together.
We're together
here on Avenue Q!
We live on Avenue Q!
Our friends do too!
'Til our dreams come true,
we live on Avenue Q!
PRINCETON
This is real life!
ALL
We live on Avenue Q!
NICKY
You're gonna love it.
ALL
We live on Avenue Q!
GARY COLEMAN
Here's your keys!
ALL
Welcome to Avenue Q!
SCENE 1
BRIAN
So... What?s your name?
PRINCETON
I?m Princeton.
BRIAN
Hey! Buddy! I?m Brian, and this is my fianc?...
CHRISTMAS EVE
My name Christmas Eve. You so cute... very handsome... you single?
PRINCETON
Yeah!
CE
Because she single...
KATE
OH! Christmas Eve!
BRIAN
That?s Kate Monster. She lives in our building
PRINCETON
Oh! Hi!
KATE
Hi!
(Trekkie monster throws a garbage bag out of his window).
GARY COLEMAN
Trekkie!
TREKKIE
Ooooh!
BRIAN
Morning, Trekkie!
TREKKIE
Oh!, me no time to talk. Me busy... (He closes the window)
BRIAN
And that?s Trekkie Monster
CE
He a pervert. You no spending time with him
GARY
Come on inside, kiddo! I?ll show you the place
PRINCETON
Oh! Great!
GARY
We have many distinguished people on their best interest in this one, I trust?
PRINCETON
No kidding!
GARY
Mmmmm...!!!
(Princeton and Gary leave.)
CE
So, what you think, Kate Monster? He cute, right?
KATE
Yeah!
CE
Ha, ha,ha... You go get him. A man responds to an agressive woman. (To Brian) You! Go get job!
BRIAN
Ok, I?m going! (He leaves)
CE
See?
(They leave).
If You Were Gay
(Rod and Nicky?s appartment.)
ROD
(spoken)
Aah, an afternoon alone with my favorite book, "Broadway Musicals of the 1940s."
No roommate to bother me. How could it get any better than this?
NICKY
Oh, hi Rod!
ROD
Hi Nicky.
NICKY
Hey Rod, you'll never guess what happened to me on the subway this morning.
This guy was smiling at me and talking to me --
ROD
That's very interesting.
NICKY
He was being real friendly, and I think he was coming on to me.
I think he might've thought I was gay!
ROD
Ahem, so, uh, why are you telling me this? Why should I care?
I don't care. What did you have for lunch today?
NICKY
Oh, you don't have to get all defensive about it, Rod...
ROD
I'm NOT getting defensive! What do I care about some gay guy you met, okay?
I'm trying to read.
NICKY
Oh, I didn't mean anything by it, Rod.
I just think it's something we should be able to talk about.
ROD
I don't want to talk about it, Nicky! This conversation is over!!!
NICKY
Yeah, but...
ROD
Over!!!
NICKY
Well, okay, but just so you know --
(sung)
-If you were gay
that'd be okay.
I mean 'cause, hey,
I'd like you anyway.
-Because you see,
if it were me,
I would feel free
to say that I was gay
but I'm not gay.
ROD
Nicky, please! I am trying to read...
What?!
NICKY
-If you were queer
I'd still be here,
year after year
because you're dear
to me.
And I know that you
would accept me too,
if I told you today
"Hey! Guess what,
I'm gay!"
But I'm not gay.
-I'm happy
just being with you.
So what should it
matter to me
what you do in bed
with guys?
ROD
Nicky, that's GROSS!
NICKY
No, it's not!
If you were gay
I'd shout hooray!
And here I'd stay,
But I wouldn't get
in your way.
You can count on me
to always be
beside you every day,
to tell you it's okay,
you were just born
that way,
and, as they say,
it's in your DNA,
you're gay!
ROD
But I'm not gay!
NICKY
If you WERE gay.
ROD
Argh!
SCENE 2
PRINCETON
Hey Gary! Thanks for helping me move in
GARY
No sweat! And look, you got your first ...mail .What?s in these boxes? Anything good?
PRINCETON
Well, my parents sent my stuff from home
GARY
How nice! And you also got your rent bill, your utility bill, your student loan bill,
your credit card bill, your phone bill, your cell phone bill...
PRINCETON
Oh, my god!
GARY
You gotta get money
PRINCETON
Oh, I?ll start work tomorrow(The phone rings).
GARY
Gaaaaary Coleman! Oh, it?s for you.
PRINCETON
Oh, thank you. Hello? Oh, hi! (To Gary) It?s my job. (Into the phone)
I can?t wait to meet all of you tomorrow... oh, I?m sorry, I can barely hear you.
What?s that sound in the background? A paper shredder! But... the company can?t be folding!
Well, how am I suppose to live? Hello?
GARY
Oh, kid! Don?t look so long in the face! You know what they say?
If you rearrange the letters in ?unemployed? it spells ?opportunity?.
PRINCETON
What?!
GARY
Here?s a bit of advice. Never underestimate the power of long range plan.
If life gets you down just sit on your ass and let it pass goodbye.
Take it from someone who learnt it the hard way.
Gary Coleman. (He leaves)
PRINCETON
Maybe this is an opportunity.
Maybe I?m not meant to work in some damn office for the rest of my life.
Maybe... maybe I have a higher purpose!
VIDEO VOICE
What?s a purpose? A purpose is direction to your life. It could be a job, a family.
It could be the persuit of knowledge or wealth. Everybody?s purpose is different.
The best thing about a purpose is that it gives your life... meaning.
PRINCETON
I want a purpose!
Purpose
PRINCETON
-Purpose,
it's that little flame
that lights a fire
under your ass.
Purpose,
it keeps you going strong
like a car with a full
tank of gas.
Everyone else has
a purpose
so what's mine?
-Oh look! Here's a penny!
It's from the year I was born!
-It's a sign!
Ba-ba-ba-ba
Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo
I don't know how I know,
but I'm gonna find
my purpose.
-Gotta find out,
don't wanna wait!
Got to make sure that my
life will be great!
Gotta find my purpose
before it's too late.
BOXES
He?s gonna find his purpose...
PRINCETON
-I'm gonna find my purpose
could be far, could be near
could take a week,
a month, a year
-At a job, or smoking grass
maybe at a pottery class!
-Could it be?
Yes it could!
Something's coming,
something good!
I'm gonna find my purpose
I'm gonna find my purpose
-I'm gonna find it!
What will it be? Where will it be?
My purpose in life is a mystery
Gotta find my purpose
Gotta find me.
SCENE 3
CE
My purpose in life is to help people find themselves.
BRIAN
My purpose in life is to make people laugh and make money doing it.
GARY
My greatest fear is that I?ve already achieved my damn purpose in life and from then on
I?ve been on a slow tiresome walk to the grave.
(Kate Monster comes in).
PRINCETON
Oh, hey Kate Monster!
KATE
Princeton! Hi!
PRINCETON
See, Kate. Can I ask you a question?
KATE
Sure
PRINCETON
What?s your purpose in life?
KATE
Oh! Well.. I?m a kindergarten teaching assistant
PRINCETON
Right. But what?s your purpose, your dream, your mission?
KATE
Nobody ever wants to know that
PRINCETON
I do
KATE
Well, since you ask... I... oh, no, I can?t. I barely know you.
PRINCETON
Oh, come on!
KATE
Ok. When I was a little monster I always wished I had a special place I could go.
A special school, only for monsters.
Sure it?s important to learn about the great favors of
western civilization but so much of the canon leaves out monster art and history.
And we? Our donation? It was always my dream to start that special school for monsters.
So that, in short, is my purpose.
PRINCETON
He!
KATE
Oh, but I?m not an ?ed kid?. I like to have fun and... party!
PRINCETON
So, you are eager on the monster stuff.
KATE MONSTER
Aha.
Everyone's a Little Bit Racist
PRINCETON
Well, you know Trekkie Monster upstairs?
KATE MONSTER
Uh huh!
PRINCETON
Well, he's Trekkie Monster, and you're Kate Monster.
KATE MONSTER
Right.
PRINCETON
You're both Monsters.
KATE MONSTER
Yeah.
PRINCETON
Are you two related?
KATE MONSTER
What! Princeton I'm surprised at you! I find that racist!
PRINCETON
Oh, well, I'm sorry! I was just asking.
KATE MONSTER
Well, it's a touchy subject. Now, now all Monsters are related.
What are you trying to say, huh? --
That we all look the same to you? Huh, huh, huh?
PRINCETON
No, no, no, not at all. I'm sorry, I guess that was a little racist.
KATE MONSTER
I should say so. You should be much more careful when you're
talking about the sensitive subject of race.
PRINCETON
Well, look who's talking!
KATE MONSTER
What do you mean?
PRINCETON
What about that special Monster School you told me about?
KATE MONSTER
What about it?
PRINCETON
Could someone like me go there?
KATE MONSTER
No, we don't want people like you --
PRINCETON
You see?!
(sung)
You're a little bit racist.
KATE MONSTER
Well, you're a little bit, too.
PRINCETON
I guess we're both a little bit racist.
KATE MONSTER
Admitting it is not an easy thing to do...
PRINCETON
But I guess it's true
KATE MONSTER
Between me and you, I think
BOTH
Everyone's a little bit
racist, sometimes.
Doesn't mean we go around committing
hate crimes.
Look around and
you will find,
no one's really
color-blind.
Maybe it's a fact
we all should face.
Everyone makes
judgments...
based on race.
PRINCETON
(spoken)
Not big judgments, like who to hire or who to buy a newspaper from --
KATE MONSTER
No!
PRINCETON
No, just little judgments like thinking that Mexican busboys
should learn to speak goddamn English!
KATE MONSTER
Right!
(sung)
BOTH
Everyone's a little
bit racist -- today,
so, everyone's a little
big racist -- okay!
Ethnic jokes might
be uncouth,
but you laugh because
they're based on truth.
Don't take them as
personal attacks.
Everyone enjoys them --
so relax!
PRINCETON
(spoken)
All right, stop me if you've heard this one.
There's a plane going down and there's only one parachute.
And there's a rabbi, a priest...
KATE MONSTER
... and a BLACK guy!
GARY COLEMAN
Whatchoo talkin' about Kate?
KATE MONSTER
Uh --
GARY COLEMAN
You were telling a BLACK joke!
PRINCETON
Well, sure, Gary, but lost of people tell black jokes...
GARY COLEMAN
I don't.
PRINCETON
Well, of course you don't -- you're black!
But I bet you tell Polack jokes, right?
GARY COLEMAN
Well, sure I do. Those stupid Polacks!
PRINCETON
Don't you think that's a little racist?
GARY COLEMAN
Well, damn, I guess you're right.
KATE MONSTER
(sung)
You're a little bit racist.
GARY COLEMAN
Well, you're a little bit, too.
PRINCETON
We're all a little bit racist.
GARY COLEMAN
I think that I would have to agree with you.
PRINCETON & KATE MONSTER
We're glad you do.
GARY COLEMAN
It's sad, but true!
Everyone's a little bit racist -- all right!
Bigotry has never been exclusively white --
ALL
If we all could
just admit
that we are racist
a little bit,
even though we all
know that it's wrong,
maybe it would help
us get along!
PRINCETON
(spoken)
Christ, do I feel good!
GARY COLEMAN
Now there was a fine upstanding black man!
PRINCETON
Who?
GARY COLEMAN
Jesus Christ!
KATE MONSTER
But Gary, Jesus was white!
GARY COLEMAN
No, Jesus was black.
KATE MONSTER
No, Jesus was white!
GARY COLEMAN
No, I'm pretty sure Jesus was black!
PRINCETON
Guys -- Jesus was Jewish!
BRIAN
Hey guys, what are you laughing about?
GARY COLEMAN
Racism!
BRIAN
Cool.
CHRISTMAS EVE
Brian! You come back here! You take out lecycuraburs!
PRINCETON
What's that mean?
BRIAN
Um. Recyclables.(Everyone laughs).Hey, don't laugh at her!
How many languages do you speak?
KATE MONSTER
Oh, come off it, Brian!
(sung)
Everyone's a little bit racist.
BRIAN
I'm not!
PRINCETON
Oh, no?
BRIAN
Nope! How many oriental wives have you got?
CHRISTMAS EVE
What? Brian!
PRINCETON
Brian, buddy,
where you been?
The term is Asian-American!
CHRISTMAS EVE
I know you are
no intending to be,
but calling me
oriental -- offensive to me!
BRYAN
(spoken)
I'm sorry honey, I love you.
CHRISTMAS EVE
And I love you.
BRIAN
But you're racist, too.
CHRISTMAS EVE
Yes, I know.
(sung)
The Jews have all
the money
and the whites have
all the power
and I'm always in
taxi-cab with driver
who no shower!
PRINCETON
Me too!
KATE MONSTER
Me too!
GARY COLEMAN
I can't even get a taxi!
ALL
Everyone's a little bit
racist, it's true.
But everyone is just about
as racist as you!
If we all could just admit
that we are racist a little bit,
and everyone
stopped being so P.C.,
maybe we could
live in -- harmony!
CHRISTMAS EVE
Ev'lyone's a ritter bit lacist!
SCENE 4
PRINCETON
This time I feel that I?m getting closer to my purpose.
VIDEO VOICE
?School crossing guard?.
PRINCETON
No, that?s not me.
VIDEO VOICE
?Beauty salon technician?.
PRINCETON
Mmmm... not quite it.
VIDEO VOICE
?Birthday party clown?
PRINCETON
Closer, but still no. Wait a minute. I feel that is right here on the corner of my mind.
My purpose... it?s... it?s...(The bad idea bears come in).
BAD IDEA BEARS
Hi, Princeton! It?s uuus.
PRINCETON
Oh, who are you?
BIB
The bad idea bears!
BIB
We are your friends!
BIB
Where are you going?
PRINCETON
Oh well, I?m almost broke, so I?m gonna look for a job till I find my purpose
BIB
Oh! Did the check come in from your folks?
PRINCETON
Yeah...
BIB
Then you got plenty of money!
BIB
You should celebrate!
BIB
You need to do something for you. Buy some beer!
BIB
Yeah, buy some beer!
PRINCETON
Gee... I shouldn?t be spending my parents? money on beer.
BIB
Oh... ok...
BIB
That makes me sad... thinking about you not having any fun.
BIB
I?m gonna cry. Mm!
BIB
Gosh, I?m sad! Some days I wish I was dead...(The bad idea bears cry)
PRINCETON
You know... maybe I could afford a... a six pack!
BIB
Yeah!
BIB
What about a case?
BIB
Yeah!
PRINCETON
A case of beer? No, no, I can?t get a case
BIB
But you are on a budget!
BIB
You are wasting money in the long run if you don?t buy in volt
PRINCETON
Oh! You?re right! Thanks guys, I?ll get a case.
BIB
Yeah! See you around, Princeton!(The bad idea bears leave)
PRINCETON
See you around, guys! Oh... gosh, aren?t they cute?
Is good to know my making friends will have my best interest in heart.
(Princeton leaves)
SCENE 5
(The phone rings)
KATE
Hello?
MRS THISTLETWAT
Hello, Katherine, this is your employer calling.
KATE
Hi, Mrs. Thistletwat
MRS. T
As you may know, I have an appointment tomorrow, heart replacement surgery next week,
and I need you to teach my class in the morning.
I will probably need until our lunch break to recover.
KATE
I get to teach, all by myself?
MRS. T
I trust you Katherine. And you may choose the subject.
KATE
Wow!! Thanks Lividia!
MRS. T.
Katherine, when you call me by my first name, the children don?t respect me.
KATE
Sorry Mrs. Thisletwat.
MRS. T.
Thank you!
The Internet is For Porn
KATE MONSTER
(spoken)
Finally! I get to teach a whole lesson all by myself!
And I'm gonna teach something relevant, something
modern -- the internet!
(sung)
The internet is really really great.
TREKKIE MONSTER
For porn!
KATE MONSTER
I got a fast connection so I didn't have to wait.
TREKKIE MONSTER
For porn!
KATE MONSTER
There's always some new site.
TREKKIE MONSTER
For porn
KATE MONSTER
I browse all day and night.
TREKKIE MONSTER
For porn!
KATE MONSTER
It's like I'm surfing at the speed of light.
TREKKIE MONSTER
For porn!
KATE MONSTER
(spoken)
Trekkie!
TREKKIE MONSTER
(sung)
The internet is for porn! The internet is for porn!
Why do you think the net was born?
Porn! Porn! Porn!
KATE MONSTER
(spoken)
Trekkie! What are you doing?
TREKKIE MONSTER
Hello, Kate Monster.
KATE MONSTER
You are ruining my song.
TREKKIE MONSTER
Oh, me sorry. Me no mean to.
KATE MONSTER
Well, if you wouldn't mind, please, being
quiet for a minute so I can finish?
TREKKIE MONSTER
Okey-dokey.
KATE MONSTER
Good.
(sung)
I'm glad we have this new technology.
TREKKIE MONSTER
For porn. Oop!
KATE MONSTER
Which gives us untold opportunity.
TREKKIE MONSTER
For porn. Ooops, sorry!
KATE MONSTER
Right from your own desktop...
TREKKIE MONSTER
For p----.
KATE MONSTER
You can research, browse and shop...
Until you've had enough and you're ready to stop!
TREKKIE MONSTER
For porn!
KATE MONSTER
Trekkie!
TREKKIE MONSTER
The internet is for porn!
The internet is for porn!
The internet is for porn!
Me up all night honking me
horn to porn, porn, porn!
KATE MONSTER
(spoken)
That's gross! You're a pervert!
TREKKIE MONSTER
Ahh, sticks and stones, Kate Monster.
KATE MONSTER
No, really, you're a pervert! Normal people
don't sit at home and look at porn on the internet!
TREKKIE MONSTER
Ohhhhh?
KATE MONSTER
What?
TREKKIE MONSTER
You have no idea. Ready, normal people?
BRIAN
Ready!
GARY COLEMAN
Ready!
ROD
Ready!
TREKKIE MONSTER
Lemme hear it!
GUYS
(sung)
The internet is for porn.
PRINCETON
Sorry, Kate!
GUYS
The internet is for porn.
PRINCETON
I masturbate!
TREKKIE MONSTER
All these guys unzip their flies for...
GUYS
Porn! Porn! Porn!
KATE MONSTER
(spoken)
The internet is not for porn!
Hold on a second!
TREKKIE MONSTER
Wha?
KATE MONSTER
Now, I happen to know for a fact that you, Rod,
check your portfolio and trade stocks online.
ROD
That's correct.
KATE MONSTER
And Brian, you buy things on Amazon.com!
BRIAN
Sure.
KATE MONSTER
And Gary, you keep selling your possessions on eBay!
GARY COLEMAN
Yes, I do.
KATE MONSTER
And Princeton, you sent me that sweet online birthday card.
PRINCETON
True.
TREKKIE MONSTER
But Kate... what you think he do after, hmmm?
PRINCETON
Yeah.
KATE MONSTER
Ewww!
GUYS
(sung)
The internet is for porn.
The internet is for porn.
Grab your dick and double click
for porn! Porn! Porn!
Poooorn!
Poooorn!
The internet is for,
internet is for,
internet is for porn
KATE
(spoken simultaneously)
Gross! I hate porn! I hate men!
I'm leaving! I hate the internet!
(They leave)
SCENE 6
CE
Hey Rod! How is hanging?
ROD
Hey Christmas Eve! I got you wedding invitation?
CE
Are you coming?
ROD
Yeah? here?s my RSVP.
BRIAN
(off stage) Hey Honey! What?s all this about us getting married?
CE
Just think of it as a surprise party?
BRIAN
Cool!
ROD
I think it?s wonderful you have someone so special in your life?
CE
Are you ok Rod?
ROD
Christmas Eve? You are a therapist, right?
CE
I have two Master Degrees.
ROD
So you help people who have all kinds of problems?
CE
Nobody wants to come to me for helping...
I meet with people, we are talking for an hour, then they go away and never come back.
And I wonder why? Am I fixing them in one
appointment? Maybe I?m too efficient, maybe I should spread my helping out. Why Rod?
Do you need some helping?
ROD
Well... I have this friend...
CE
Nicky?
ROD
No, other friend. And I think he has a very big problem. I think he?s... gay.
CE
What?s wrong with that? You know Rod, gay people make major contributions to arts,
philosophy and literature for many hundreds of years now...
ROD
Oh but, my friend isn?t an artist. He is a Republican.... and an investment banker.
CE
Oh! Tell him to stay in closet then, he?s good for nothing.
ROD
Ok... great!... Thanks for the advice...
CE
Yeah! Ha, ha! I wouldn?t want a friend like that...
ROD
No! ... Thanks again... (Christmas Eve leaves) Shit!
Mix Tape
KATE MONSTER
Princeton...
He likes me.
I think he likes me
But does he "like me"
like me
like I like him?
Will we be friends,
or something more?
I think he's interested,
but I'm not sure.
(spoken)
Come in!
PRINCETON
Hiya Kate!
KATE MONSTER
Princeton! Hi!
PRINCETON
Hi! Listen, I was going through my CDs yesterday,
and I kept coming across songs I thought you'd like
so I made you this tape.
KATE MONSTER
Oh, that's so sweet! Can I get you a drink? Or a snack?
PRINCETON
Actually, do you mind if I use your bathroom?
KATE MONSTER
Go right ahead.
PRINCETON
Thank you!
KATE MONSTER
(sung)
-A mix tape.
He made me a mix tape.
He was thinking of me,
which shows he cares!
Sometimes when someone
has a crush on you
they'll make you a mix tape
to give you a clue.
Let's see...
"You've Got a Friend"
"The Theme from 'Friends'"
"That's What Friends Are For"
Shit.
-Oh, but look!
"A Whole New World"
"Kiss the Girl"
"My Cherie Amour"
Oh, Princeton! He does like me!
-"I Am the Walrus"
"Fat-Bottomed Girls"
"Yellow Submarine"
What does this mean?!
PRINCETON
(spoken)
Hey Kate, you might wanna not go in there for a while.
KATE MONSTER
Princeton, thank you for this tape, I was just looking
at side A. Great songs!
PRINCETON
Oh, well, did you get to side B yet?
KATE MONSTER
Not yet.
PRINCETON
Oh, it's great. Check it out. Right here...
KATE MONSTER
(sung)
"Stuck on You"
PRINCETON
"Love Me Do"
KATE MONSTER
"My Heart Will Go On"
I loved Titanic!
PRINCETON
Uhh, it was all right.
"She's Got a Way"
KATE MONSTER
"Yesterday"
PRINCETON
"Goodnight Saigon"
From the Russia concert!
KATE MONSTER
Great.
"Through the Years"
PRINCETON
"The Theme from 'Cheers'"
KATE MONSTER
"Moving Right Along"
Nice tape.
PRINCETON
There's one more...
"I Have to Say I Love You in a Song"
KATE MONSTER
(spoken)
Princeton, that's so sweet! I've never gotten
such a nice present from a guy.
PRINCETON
Awww. Well, I'm glad you like it. But I have to go now.
I'm gonna make one for Brian and Christmas Eve, and Gary
and Nicky and Rod, and Trekkie Monster, and everyone!
KATE MONSTER
Oh.
PRINCETON
Oh, and uh --
KATE MONSTER
Yes?
PRINCETON
What are you doing tonight?
KATE MONSTER
Grading term papers. But it's kindergarten so they're very short. Why?
PRINCETON
Everyone's going to hear this singer at the Around the Clock Cafe.
Do you want to go with me?
KATE MONSTER
Like, a date?
PRINCETON
Sure! A date. It'll be a blast.
KATE MONSTER
I'd love to come!
PRINCETON
Okay! Well, I'll see you then.
KATE MONSTER
Okay!
PRINCETON
Okay, bye.
KATE MONSTER
Bye!
He likes me!
SCENE 7
I'm Not Wearing Underwear Today
BRIAN
I'm not wearing underwear today.
No, I'm not wearing underwear today.
Not that you prob'ly care
much about my underwear,
still, nonetheless, I gotta say --
that I'm not wearing underwear to-daaaay!
CHRISTMAS EVE
Get a job!
BRIAN
Thank you honey! But... aah... don?t move a muscle, ladies and gentlemen,
we?ll be right back with our headline performer.
GARY
So, Trekkie, you never leave your apartment. What made you drag your furry ass down here?
TREKKIE
Mmmm... Me see pictures of next singer on the internet. Ho, ho, ho.
(Kate and Princeton come in).
PRINCETON
Look, there?s an empty table.
KATE
Let?s grab it.
PRINCETON
Ladies first.
KATE
Oh... you?re such a gentleman, Princeton.
PRINCETON
Oh, you too. I mean... you look a knock out tonight.
KATE
You...
BRIAN
So here?s the woman you all came to see.
The Around the Clock is proud to present fresh from her world tour,
headlining in Amsterdam, Bangkok, and Celebration Florida please
give a warm hand to the star of ?Girls Gone Wild? parts two, five and seven Lucy the Slut!
Special
LUCY
-I can make you feel
special.
When it sucks to be you.
Let me make you feel
special.
For an hour or two.
-Your life?s a routine
that repeats each day.
No one cares who you are
or what you say.
And sometimes you feel
like you?re nobody,
but you can feel like
somebody with me.
PRINCETON
Wow!
LUCY
-Yeah, they?re real.
-When we?re together
the earth will shake
and the stars will fall
into the sea.
So come on, baby,
let down your guard.
When your date?s in
the bathroom,
I?ll slip you my card.
I can tell just by looking
that you?ve got it hard
For me! For me!
For me! For me!
For me! For me!
I can tell just by looking
that you are especially
hard for me!
LUCY
(spoken)
Thank you, gentlemen! Have a few drinks and I sure hope you enjoyed my song.
(She leaves. Trekkie follows her and Brian stops him).
BRIAN
No, Trekkie
TREKKIE
Oh, but Brian...
BRIAN
No....
TREKKIE
Oh... me I can hardly hold! Oh!!! (He leaves).
PRINCETON
That Lucy is something, isn?t she?
KATE
She is something...
PRINCETON
Oh, Kate, can I get you a drink?
KATE
I?ll get a water. I got a class to teach tomorrow. It?s a big day!
The teacher I?m assisting is going into the hospital tomorrow morning
so I have the entire class to myself.
And if I do well it could mean a big carreer boost.
(The bad idea bears come in).
BIBS
Hey guys!
BIB
We brought you some Long Island iced tea!
KATE
Oh! You are so adorable! Who are you?
BIB
(Bender!)
BIB
(Brad!)
BIB
Have a drink, Kate.
KATE
Oh... no, thank you.
BIB
Just a little, little sip.
KATE
I really shouldn?t.
BIB
But it?s only a Long Island iced tea.
BIB
They?re so sweet and delicious.
BIBS
Please!!!
KATE
Oh, one sip can?t hurt. Cheers, Princeton!
PRINCETON
Cheers! Here?s to you, Kate Monster!
BIBS
Yeah!!
KATE
That?s delicious!
BIB
Why don?t you play a drinking game? That?s amazingly fun!
KATE
I don?t know any drinking games. Do you, Princeton?
BIB
I know one! It?s called ?I probably can drink faster than you can?.
BIBS
One, two, three, go!!!
(They drink).
BIBS
Yeah!!
BIB
It was a tie!
BIB
Rematch!
KATE
Gosh, that?s
BIBS
Have another round!
KATE
I?ll get the next one, Princeton!
PRINCETON
Great!
KATE
I?ll be back in a sec.
BIB
But this time, Kate, let?s get larges!
KATE
Oooookeeeyy!!!!
BIB
Ok, Princeton, how?s the date going? Ha!
PRINCETON
Pretty well, I think...
BIB
Well, you just hang in there, little man. You?re gonna get something, you gotta keep working at it.
Just keep your eye on the prize. Ha,ha, ha. Uuhh, wow! Look who?s coming!
(Lucy comes in).
LUCY
What?s up?
PRINCETON
Hi, I?m Princeton.
LUCY
Lucy. Man, I?m beat! I still haven?t figured out where I?m gonna crash tonight...
BIB
In a bush!
LUCY
All I need is a warm mattress, you know.
PRINCETON
Well, mine?s pretty cold usually.
LUCY
It wouldn?t be cold for long.
(Kate comes back).
KATE
Aha, ha... The drinks will be here right over, Princeton. Ha, ha.. ahaaa...
LUCY
I?ll have a Scotch on the rocks.
KATE
I?m not a waitress.
PRINCETON
Oh, Lucy, I?d like you to meet Kate Monster.
LUCY
Oh, you?re dating a monster. I dated a monster once,
but I got sick of picking the fur out of my teeth.
KATE
Well, if your teeth are the problem, I could take out a couple.
PRINCETON
Ok, Lucy, it was nice talking to you.
LUCY
Ok, have fun with your monster.
But when you are ready for a real woman you know where to find me. (She leaves).
PRINCETON
Oh, man, Kate, I?m sorry.
KATE
No, I understand. You?re irresistible.
PRINCETON
She just knows she can?t compare to you.
KATE
I think you are wonderful, Princeton.
PRINCETON
You are not bad yourself, Kate.
You Can Be as Loud as the Hell You Want (When You're Making Love)
(Spoken).
BAD IDEA BEAR #1
Take her home!
BAD IDEA BEAR #2
She's wasted!
PRINCETON
Please cut that out!... Kate, Kate!
KATE
Mmmmm?
PRINCETON
I... I think you look really beautiful tonight.
KATE
Oh Princeton! You look so handsome I could eat you alive!
(She jumps on him, they start kissing).
BAD IDEA BEARS
Yaaaayyy!
KATE MONSTER
My God, Princeton! Right there! Right there!
That's the spot -- that's the spot! -- okay,
a little lower -- okay, now to the left --
no, my left -- ohhhhhhhh!
PRINCETON
Oh, my God, Kate, no one's ever touched me
like this before -- you can't put your finger there --
Ooh, put your finger there!
BOTH
Oh yeah!(They dive under the covers. Lights up on Gary Coleman who's listening in).
GARY COLEMAN
(sung)
You can be as loud as
the hell you want
when you're making love.
You can be as loud as
the hell you want
when you're making love.
You can be as loud as
the hell you want
when you're making love.
GARY AND BEARS
You can be as loud as
the hell you want...
KATE MONSTER
(Screaming in pleasure)
Aaaaaahhh!
PRINCETON
Yaaaaaaahhh!
(A phone rings, Gary picks it up)
GARY
(spoken)
Gary Coleman.
You hear what? -- Hell no, I won't tell them to quiet down!
(Princeton and Kate pop up from under the covers)
KATE MONSTER
Are we being too loud?
PRINCETON
Yeah, are we bothering someone?
GARY COLEMAN
Oh, no, not at all, kids.
You keep doing what you're doing.
BAD IDEA BEARS
Yeah! Louder!
GARY COLEMAN
(sung)
-You're not allowed to
be loud at the library,
at the art museum or
at a play
-But when you and
your partner are doin' the nasty
don't behave like you're
at the ballet!
'Cause you can be as loud
as the hell you want
when you're making love.
You can be as loud
as the hell you want
when you're making love.
-Don't let the neighbours
stop you from havin' fun,
they'll have peace and
quiet when you're
good and done.
ALL
Be as loud as
the hell you want
when you're making love!
(Heavy breathing)
Loud as the hell you want...
KATE MONSTER
Faster, Princeton!
CHRISTMAS EVE
Brian, slow down! This not a race!
ALL
Loud as the hell you want...
PRINCETON
Oh, YEAH!
BRIAN
Who's your daddy?
CHRISTMAS EVE
What?? Brian!!
ALL
Loud as the hell you want...
Loud as the hell you want...
GARY COLEMAN
Smack it and lick it and rub
it and suck it!
ALL
Loud as the hell you want...
CHRISTMAS EVE
Yes! Work your mama!
ALL
Loud as the hell you --
KATE MONSTER
Oh yeah, that's it!
BRIAN
Ooh, babe!
TREKKIE MONSTER
(enjoying himself) Uuuuuhh!
ALL
Loud as the hell you...
want!
MALE VIDEO VOICE
Come...
FEMALE VIDEO VOICE
...mmitment.
MALE VIDEO VOICE
Come...
FEMALE VIDEO VOICE
...mmitment.
MALE VIDEO VOICE
Come...
FEMALE VIDEO VOICE
...mmitment.
Commitment!
SCENE 8
Fantasies Come True
(Rod is awake in bed, while Nicky snores)
ROD
(spoken)
It sure can get lonely at night. Nicky, you awake?
NICKY (asleep)
Is that a unicorn?
ROD
Oh, he's talking in his sleep again.
NICKY
No, I'll wear the purple shoes. Who painted the kitten?
ROD
Maybe I should just shake him.
NICKY
I love you, Rod.
ROD
What did you say?
NICKY
I love your little laugh.
ROD
Nicky, are you awake?
NICKY
Take off your shirt.
ROD
Oh Nicholas! Have you been shy all this time?
Have we been hiding from each other? I wonder...
(sung)
All those nights I lay in bed,
thoughts of you
running through my head...
NICKY
I know -- put my earmuffs on the cookie...
ROD
But I never thought the things in my head
could really happen in my bed.
NICKY
You look like David Hasselhoff...
ROD
-All those years
I missed the signs,
couldn't read
between the lines.
Who'd have thought
I would see the day
where I'd hear you say
what I heard you say?
And now I find
what was always in my mind
was in your mind, too.
Fantasies come true!
-And now I see that what I've always
dreamed of was meant to be...
you and me, me and you!
Fantasies come true!
-You and me lived in fantasy,
but soon we'll be a reality.
(The scene switches to Kate? house. She?s with Princeton in bed)..
PRINCETON
(Spoken)
Kate, that was amazing.
KATE MONSTER
You're amazing.
PRINCETON
I want you to have this. It's a penny I carry around with me for good luck.
It's from the year I was born, see? Who knows, maybe it'll bring
you good luck. It did for me! I found you.
(sung)
I want you to know
the time that we've spent,
how great it's been,
how much it's meant.
KATE MONSTER
Gosh, I don't know
what to say.
I'm really glad you feel
that way.
'Cause I'm afraid that
I like you more than I ever
liked any guy before.
ROD AND KATE
'Cause now, my love,
I'm getting what I've
always been dreaming of!
ROD
So are you!
KATE MONSTER
OH, baby!
ROD AND KATE
Fantasies come true!
And now I swear that
when you want me,
I'm gonna be right there
to care for you...
KATE MONSTER
That's what I'm gonna do...
ROD AND KATE
And make your fantasies
come true...
ROD
Fantasies come true.
(The scene switches back to Rod?s bedroom. Rod awakens, Nicky is poking him)
NICKY
Hey, Rod buddy! You were talking in your sleep.
ROD
I thought you were talking in YOUR sleep!
NICKY
No, I just came to bed. You were dreaming, is all.
ROD
Oh.
NICKY
It sounded like a nice dream, though.
ROD
Yes. It was a nice dream.
NICKY
Good night.
ROD
Good night, Nicky.
SCENE 9
(At Kate?. She? in bed with Princeton. The phone rings, Kate picks it up. It?s Mrs. T)
KATE
Hello...
MRS. T.
Good afternoon Katherine.
You may recall that you were supposed to teach my class this morning,
while I had my heart replaced!!
KATE
Oh my God!
MRS. T.
You left the children unattended for three hours!
They created their own tribal variety, which were about to sacrifice poor little Britney.
Where were you!
KATE
I... I overslept! I?m so sorry!
MRS. T.
I should never have hired a monster!
KATE
What?!
MRS. T.
Your race is notoriously lazy!
KATE
Well... better a monster than a crabby old bitch! Ooooh...
MRS. T.
Crabby old bitches are the bedrock of this nation! I regret the day I hired you!!
KATE
Well... that? ok, because I quit!!
MRS. T.
No, I?ll fire you.
KATE
Well you can?t fire me because I quit!
MRS. T.
You are on your ... Katherine!
KATE
See you then! (She hangs up). Was I too mean?
PRINCETON
Good for you!
KATE
I hate it working for her! I can get by on my savings for a while,
and pursue what I really want in my life.
PRINCETON
Your school!
KATE
Yes.
PRINCETON
I think you are really brave Kate.
KATE
Yeah!
PRINCETON (nods)
Listen... Are you going to Brian and Christmas Eve?s wedding?
KATE
Of course.
PRINCETON
I was thinking...... we could... you know... go together.
KATE
Oh my gosh! Well it seems like I always go to weddings alone...
I don?t know what I?d do if I went with a... a...
PRINCETON
...with a boyfriend?
KATE
Yeah...
PRINCETON
Well, come with me...
KATE
Well that would be great! (She starts sobbing).
PRINCETON
Well, are you ok Kate?
KATE
Yeah... Yeah... I just get fur in my eyes sometimes...
(They kiss)
SCENE 10
(The Wedding).
ROD
Did you bring a cap?
NICKY
What?!
ROD
We?re off to mass...
NICKY
But...
ROD
Christ!
PRINCETON
Kate, you look beautiful tonight!
KATE
Thank you!
GARY
And by the power invested in me... Gary Coleman,
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
CE
---
ALL
Mazeltov!
NICKY
That was beautiful! Wasn?t it, Rod?
ROD
Gee, they?re so lucky to have each other!
NICKY
Are you upset, Rod?
ROD
Nicky... I need a moment to myself, ok?
NICKY
No, buddy, talk to me! Tell me what?s the matter.
BRIAN
Hey, what?s up with Rod?
GARY
Yeah! He sure has been down in the dumps lately.
CE
Hey, Rodney! You need a girlfriend.
GARY
A girlfriend? You got to be kidding, right?
CE
He not so ugly.
GARY
No, but I was thinking Rod was one of those gays.
CE
Rod is gay?
BRIAN
I bet, Nicky would know. Hey, Nicky! Come over here!
NICKY
Sure, guys, what?s up?
CE
We wondering if Rod is a gay.
NICKY
Well, it?s funny you should ask because I do think Rod is gay.
I always have. But, you know, I figured if he wanted to tell me, he would.
So, yes, definitely, I would say that my buddy Rod is a closeted homosexual.
ROD
Nicky! How could you say that about me?
NICKY
Oh, hi, Rod! All I said was that, yes, definitely, my buddy Rod has an undescended testicle.
ROD
Aaahhh!! Nooo!!!! I heard you!
NICKY
I... I?m sorry, Rod.
ROD
Mmm... mmm... mmm... Well I am not a closeted homowhatever.
Well, I?ve a whole life that none of you?d know about. Not even you, Nicky.
NICKY
You do, Rod?
ROD
Sure I do. For example... I...
My Girlfriend, Who Lives In Canada
ROD
-I wish you could meet my
girlfriend, my girlfriend
who lives in Canada.
She couldn't be sweeter,
I wish you could meet her,
my girlfriend who lives
in Canada!
-Her name is Alberta,
she lives in Vancouver.
She cooks like my mother
and sucks like a hoover.
-I e-mail her every single
day, just to make sure
that everything's okay.
It's a pity she lives so
far away, in Canada!
-Laaaaaast week she was
here, but she had the flu.
Too baaaaaad
'cause I wanted to introduce her to you.
It's so saaaaaaaaad --
There wasn't a thing that she could do
but stay in bed,
with her legs up over her head!
Oh!
-I wish you could meet
my girlfriend,
but you can't,
because she is in Canada.
I love her, I miss her,
I can't wait to kiss her,
so soon I'll be off to Alberta!
I mean Vancouver!
Shit! Her name is Alberta,
she lives in Vancou--
-She's my girlfriend!
My wonderful girlfriend!
Yes, I have a girlfriend,
who lives in Canada!!
(Spoken)
And I can't wait to eat her pussy again!
GARY
Well, everyone shake that movin?, yes sir.
What a busy day ahead for Gary Coleman. (He leaves).
CE
Maybe we go to buffet.
BRIAN
Yeah! I?m starving!
KATE
We?ll join you.
NICKY
Oh... What do you have to say Rod?
Cause I?d still be your buddy even if you were gay.
ROD
Nicky, I want you out of the appartment when I get there.
NICKY
What? You are... kicking me out?! He he!!
ROD
You can live in the park for all I care!
NICKY
Oh, but Rod... I... oh... I didn?t make you mad on purpose.
PRINCETON
Purpose!
CE
I throw bouquet in few minutes, Kate Monster, I have a younger husband for you...
KATE
Oh, Christmas Eve!
CE
I might throw bouquet to you on purpose.
PRINCETON
Purpose!
KATE
Oh, Princeton, I have so much fun with you!
PRINCETON
Yeah, me too.
KATE
Hey, what are you doing tomorrow?
PRINCETON
Gosh, it feels like I?m forgetting something?
KATE
Oh, she?s throwing the bouquet! I?ll be right back! (She leaves)
PRINCETON
Purpose! Purpose!(Princeton?s nightmare about marriage). (Kate comes back).
KATE
I caught the bouquet, Princeton!
Well, some little girl caught it, but she wasn?t very strong!
PRINCETON
Yeah...
KATE
Are you alright?
PRINCETON
Oh...Kate, I have something I need to say.
KATE
Princeton, you can tell me anything.
PRINCETON
Listen, when I moved to Avenue Q, I was looking for my purpose.
KATE
I remember.
PRINCETON
And... We?ve been spending so much time together and I lost track to finding it.
KATE
Aha...
PRINCETON
I don?t wanna be no man who looks back and realize
I?ve never found my reason to be alive.
KATE
So...
PRINCETON
Yeah...
KATE
So you don?t want to spend time with me anymore?
PRINCETON
No, no, I love being with you.
KATE
Oh, good, because I thought you meant...
PRINCETON
But I don?t want a girlfriend before I find my mission in life.
KATE
But you said...
PRINCETON
Look, I can?t, I?m tied down now, Kate.
If we stay together, believe me, we?ll never even be friends in the end.
KATE
But I?m not looking for friends. I have plenty on friends.
PRINCETON
You like me, don?t you?
KATE
Well... yes I do. And I think that?s why you should get out of here.
PRINCETON
You mean, ?leave??
KATE
Unless you have another definition for ?get out of here?.(He leaves)There's a Fine, Fine Line
KATE MONSTER
There's a fine, fine line
between a lover, and a friend.
-There's a fine, fine line
between reality, and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top
if it was worth the uphill climb.
-There's a fine, fine line
between love,
and a waste of time
-There's a fine, fine line
between a fairy tale, and a lie.
And there's a fine, fine line
between "you're wonderful" and "goodbye".
I guess if someone doesn't love you back
it isn't such a crime
-But there's a fine, fine line
between love,
and a waste of your time
-And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity I've got to close the door
And walk away...
Oh...
-There's a fine, fine line
between together, and not.
And there's a fine, fine line
between what you wanted,
and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want
while you're still in your prime.
-There's a fine, fine line
between love,
and a waste of time.
CURTAIN
ACT TWO
Scene 1
PRINCETON
Purpose! Puuuuurpose!
BIB
...Less
PRINCETON
Who said that? Purpose!
BIB
Less!
BIB
Purposeless!
PRINCETON
Purpose!
BIBS
Purpose.... less
PRINCETON
Ok, who?s doing that?
BIB
Hi, Princeton! You have to come around!
BIB
Yeah... You look so blue!
BIB
Try a little smile!
BIB
I want to see a little smile!
BIB
Oh, come on, Princeton!
PRINCETON
Sorry, guys, it?s not gonna work.
BIB
Just do it as a friend
BIB
Yeah, just do it or we?ll be sad!
PRINCETON
It?s not working
BIB
Well, you can always hang yourself!
BIB
(Looks for a rope backstage) Yeah! We found this rope.
PRINCETON
I?m not going to hang myself!
BIBS
Oohh!
PRINCETON
Can you just go away?
BIB
Well, he?s not in a good day. Well, we?ll leave the rope. Just in case. (They leave).
(Brian comes in.)
There is Life Outside Your Apartment
BRIAN
(spoken)
Princeton!
PRINCETON
Yeah.
BRIAN
Listen, buddy, nobody's seen ya for two weeks. What's up with that?
PRINCETON
I went to work for a temp agency, and they fired me for being too
depressing on the phone. I maxed out my cards. I'm two months
behind in rent. I totally messed up my personal life. Oh, and Brian --
I still haven't found my purpose!
BRIAN
All right. Get off your ass and stop worrying! Everyone's getting
together to mess around the city today.
PRINCETON
Have fun.
BRIAN
When I say "everyone", that includes you!
(sung)
There is life outside your apartment
I know it's hard to conceive,
but there's life outside your apartment,
and you're only gonna see it if you leave.
There is cool shit to do,
but it can't come to you.
And who knows, dude,
you might even score!
There is life outside your apartment,
but you've got to open the door!
PRINCETON
(spoken)
No, thanks, I'm staying in.
BRIAN
Don't tell me I gotta force you.
PRINCETON
Sorry!
BRIAN
All right everyone! He's resisting!
(Christmas Eve, Trekkie Monster, Gary and Nicky pick Princeton up and drag him outside)
ALL BUT PRINCETON
(sung)
There is life outside...
there is life outside...
there is life outside...
there is life outside...
your apartment!
There's a pigeon squashed on the street.
CHRISTMAS EVE
Eww.
BRIAN
There's a girl passing by
NICKY
No, I think it's a guy
ALL BUT PRINCETON
And a homeless man who only wants
to buy something to eat!
Sorry! Can't help you!
ALL BUT PRINCETON
We could go to the zoo!
TREKKIE MONSTER
Pick up girls at NYU!
BRIAN
We could sit in the park smoking pot!
CHRISTMAS EVE
Or not!
ALL BUT PRINCETON
There is life outside your apartment
PRINCETON
Well, I guess I'll give it a shot!
(*Gunshot*, everyone screams and runs)
ALL
There is life outside your apartment
I know --
(*loud jackhammer* -- they cover their ears and swear)
There is life outside your apartment
(they look up in horror)
OFFSTAGE VOICE
I'm gonna jump!
ALL
Don't do it!
OFFSTAGE VOICE
Okay!
ALL
There is cool shit to do
but it can't come to you
So come on --
(*car screeches to a halt*)
OFFSTAGE VOICE
Get out of the way asshole!
PRINCETON
Fuck you!
ALL
There is life outside your apartment!
Oh, you never know what's around the bend.
You could win the lotto or make a friend...
(Lucy enters, the guys eye her and turn to Princeton)
GUYS
Take her home to see your apartment...
LUCY
Do you wanna feel special?
GUYS
Special!
LUCY
I can see that you do.
GUYS
Ooooh-wah!
LUCY
Well, I can make you feel... special
if you let me feel you.
GUYS
She'll feel you!
LUCY
Where's your pad?
PRINCETON
Not too far!
GUYS
We could call you a car!
PRINCETON
We'll be fine, thank you! See ya!
CHRISTMAS EVE
Hope you don't get gonorrhea!
ALL
There's life outside your apartment...
PRINCETON AND LUCY
But now it's time to go home!
GROUP
There is life outside your apartment...
PRINCETON
It's time to go home!
GROUP
There is life outside your apartment...
LUCY
I can make you feel special...
GROUP
There is life outside your apartment...
ALL
But now it's time to go home
TREKKIE MONSTER
For porn!
Scene 2
PRINCETON
Oh, hi, Kate Monster!
KATE
Good evening.
PRINCETON
Hi... I haven?t seen you around...
KATE
Mm... ha!
LUCY
You?re gonna show me upstairs?
PRINCETON
Yeah, one second, ok, Lucy?
LUCY
Sure, baby! Don?t let my motor idle too long!(She leaves)
KATE
She a friend of yours?
PRINCETON
Yeah...
KATE
Is her name ?Purpose??
PRINCETON
Aah... listen, Kate... I gotta go.
KATE
Have fun!
(Princeton leaves. Christmas Eve comes in)
CE
What?s the matter, Kate monster?
KATE
I hate Princeton. He?s with that Lucy!
CE
Oh, that evil girl? She?s skanky. But that don?t make Princeton bad person, Kate monster.
KATE
I don?t know anymore.
CE
But you still feeling for him, don?t you?
KATE
I do feeling for him.
CE
Sometimes person need time for learning.
People always learning, all through their lives. Look at mama bird.
She push baby out of nest and that?s it. If baby bird fly, good for baby!
If baby bird fall and cracks head on ground and gets eaten
by a cat then he need to do better next time.
The More You Ruv Someone
(spoken)
KATE MONSTER
Why can't people get along and love each other, Christmas Eve?
CHRISTMAS EVE
You think getting along same as loving?
Sometimes love right where you hating most, Kate Monster.
KATE MONSTER
Huh?
(sung)
CHRISTMAS EVE
-The more you love someone,
the more you want to kill 'em.
The more you love someone
the more he make you cry.
-Though you are try
for making peace
with them and loving,
that's why you love
so strong you like to
make him die!
-The more you love someone
the more he make you crazy.
The more you love someone
the more you wishing him dead!
-Sometime you look at
him and only see fat and lazy.
And wanting baseball bat
for hitting him on his head!
-Love...
KATE MONSTER
Love...
CHRISTMAS EVE
And hate...
KATE MONSTER
And hate...
CHRISTMAS EVE
They like two brothers...
KATE MONSTER
Brothers...
CHRISTMAS EVE
Who go on a date.
KATE MONSTER
Who... what?
CHRISTMAS EVE
Where one of them goes,
other one follows.
You inviting love
he also bringing sorrows.
KATE MONSTER
Ah, yes.
CHRISTMAS EVE
-The more you love someone,
the more you want to kill 'em.
Loving and killing
fit like hand in glove!
-So if there someone
you are wanting
so to kill 'em,
you go and find him,
and you get him,
and you no kill him,
cause chances good...
CHRISTMAS EVE AND KATE
He is your love.
KATE
Dear Princeton, it was good to see you yesterday. Princeton,
I?m sorry about what happened but I?d love to work things out with you.
I?m going to visit the viewing platform
at the Empire State building at midnight tonight and I?d love for you to come.
Can you meet me there? If not, please call and let me know.
Otherwise, guess I?ll see you there.
Yours, Kate Monster.
VIDEO VOICE
Five Knights stand.
Four Knights Stand
Three Knights Stand
Two Knights Stand
One Knight Stands
One-night stands!!
Scene 3
KATE
Oh! It?s you!
LUCY
Are you the cleaning lady?
KATE
I will not rise to your bait. Where is Princeton?
LUCY
He is... finishing up in the shower. You need somethin? ?
KATE
I want to leave him this note. That?s all.
LUCY
Ha! Oh, that kid can be busy all night... Hey girl!
Do you mind checking up to see if there are any scratch marks on my back?
KATE
Oh! Yes! I see them. It looks like they say, ?help me?! (She leaves).
LUCY
(to Princeton off stage) Hey kid, almost done in there?
PRINCETON
Yeah... I?m drying up.
LUCY
He doesn?t need to be messing with some monster! (She tears the letter).
Scene 4
(Brian and Nicky come in)
NICKY
It?s been a hard few weeks, Brian, after Rod kicked me out.
I wanted to say, thank you for letting me staying with you and your lovely bride.
BRIAN
Actually, I wanted to talk with you about that.
(CE comes in)
CE
Brian, you tell him to go!
BRIAN
Honey...
CE
I no do your housework! I no cook for you and clean for you and pick up all your messing!
What if he think us are his cleaning lady! This morning I take a shower and I pick
up soap and I say: who put the strange green pubic hairs on soap?
It don?t belong to me, it don?t belong to Brian, who then could it be?
I about to kill him! Go away! (She leaves)
NICKY
But... but...I...
BRIAN
Sorry, buddy.
NICKY
I don?t know where to go!
BRIAN
Well, you can stay with Princeton! Or... Kate?
NICKY
I did already, and they kicked me out too.
BRIAN
There?s got to be someone who can help you out, buddy. Sorry. (He leaves)
(Gary has come in)
NICKY
Well... ha, ha... Good evening there, Gary!
GARY
Hi, Nicky!
NICKY
Listen, Gary, I?ve no place to stay and I was wondering if I could just, you know,
sleep on your floor, just for the night...
GARY
I see.. how about ... NO!
NICKY
Oh, I?ve asked everyone and if you don?t take me, where will I live?
GARY
How about on the street?
NICKY
You mean I should be homeless?
GARY
Sure
NICKY
Oh, that?s a terrible way to live!
GARY
Oh, yeah? Try being that on age fifteen. Look, kid, I know about living in the dumps.
But look at the bright side.
Think of all the joy you?ll bring to others if they find out just how miserable you are.
NICKY
What?
Schadenfreude
GARY COLEMAN
Right now you are
down and out and
feeling really crappy
NICKY
I'll say.
GARY COLEMAN
And when I see how
sad you are
it sort of makes me...
happy!
NICKY
Happy?!
GARY COLEMAN
Sorry, Nicky, human nature --
nothing I can do!
It's...
schadenfreude!
Making me feel glad
that I'm not you!
NICKY
(spoken)
Well that's not very nice, Gary!
GARY COLEMAN
I didn't say it was nice! But everybody does it!
(sung)
D'ja ever clap when a
waitress falls and drops
a tray of glasses?
NICKY
Yeah...
GARY COLEMAN
And it ain't it fun to
watch figure skaters
falling down on their asses?
NICKY
Sure!
GARY COLEMAN
And don'tcha feel all
warm and cosy,
watching people
out in the rain!
NICKY
You bet!
GARY COLEMAN
That's...
GARY AND NICKY
Schadenfreude!
GARY COLEMAN
People taking pleasure in your pain!
NICKY
(spoken)
Oh, schadenfreude, huh? What's that, some kinda Nazi word?
GARY COLEMAN
Yup! It's German for "happiness at the misfortune of others!"
NICKY
"Happiness at the misfortune of others." That IS German!
(sung)
Watching a vegetarian
being told she just
ate chicken
GARY COLEMAN
Or watching a
frat boy realize
just what he put his dick in!
NICKY
Being on an elevator
when somebody shouts
"Hold the door!"
GARY AND NICKY
"NO!"
Schadenfreude!
GARY COLEMAN
"Fuck you lady, that's what stairs are for!"
NICKY
Oooh, how about...
Straight-A students getting Bs?
GARY COLEMAN
Exes getting STDs!
NICKY
Waking doormen from their naps!
GARY COLEMAN
Watching tourists reading maps!
NICKY
Football players getting tackled!
GARY COLEMAN
CEOs getting shackled!
NICKY
Watching actors never reach
GARY AND NICKY
The ending of their Oscar speech!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!
GARY COLEMAN
The world needs people like you and me
who've been knocked around by fate.
'Cause when people see us,
they don't want to be us,
and that makes them feel great.
NICKY
Sure! We provide a vital service to society!
GARY AND NICKY
You and me! Schadenfreude!
Making the world a better place...
Making the world a better place...
Making the world a better place...
to be!
GARY COLEMAN
S-C-H-A-D-E-N-F-R-E-U-D-E!
Scene 5
KATE
(From the top of the Empire State)
All those people look like ants down there
and their parts look about as tiny as the ones inside the men I dated.
Princeton gave me this penny once, he said it was a symbol of his hopes and dreams.
And he never called though I asked him to and I don?t see him anywhere.
Pretty soon he?ll be an hour late if he comes at all.
(Lucy and Princeton come in)
PRINCETON
Hey, Lucy! Where did you go this morning? I?ve been looking all over for you!
LUCY
Oh, man! Why do I always get the clingy guys?
PRINCETON
No, you left, that?s all. And I didn?t say goodbye.
LUCY
Listen, kid, sorry to be honest, but look at me! I can have my pick of the litter!
If I wanted a relationship I?d find a guy with a good job, who has a future and some money.
And not some well bone babyface kid who need to run his parents and cant get his act together.
(She leaves)
PRINCETON
I think I heard a compliment there, somewhere. (He leaves)
KATE
I?m gonna get rid of this stupid penny. And I?ll make a wish.
I hope, more than anything, I hope I find someone who I love, someone who loves me back.
(She throws the penny).
Somehow I don?t feel any better.
(Princeton and Lucy come in)
PRINCETON
Lucy, I?m only looking for my purpose. My big break, my big revelation.
LUCY
You know the only revelation people had in life, kiddo? They?re not special.
You?re not special. You?re not luckier or more gifted than anyone else.
PRINCETON
You don?t think so.
LUCY
No!
PRINCETON
Well, Im gonna run past by this place, I?ll think about what you said just now.
LUCY
What?s so special about this place?
PRINCETON
Oh, you mean, here, on 34tth an 5th, at the entrance of the Empire State building?
(The penny falls just on Lucy?s head. She falls down unconscious)
PRINCETON
Lucy?
Scene 6
The hospital
PRINCETON
Lucy, can you hear me?
KATE
Princeton, I... I heard your friend had an accident. How is she?
PRINCETON
Her head fell off in the ambulance. And the doctors spent the night sewing it back on.
But the prognosis is good.
KATE
What happened to her?
PRINCETON
Some idiot threw a penny from the Empire State building.
KATE
... Shit!...
PRINCETON
Kate, what are you doing here?
KATE
Why didn?t you bother in saying you weren?t coming?
PRINCETON
What?
KATE
I told you, in my note...
PRINCETON
What note?
KATE
The one I left with... Oh! I feel better now!
PRINCETON
How are you, Kate?
KATE
Honestly?
PRINCETON
Of course!
KATE
I?m working in Starbucks. I miss my students. I work all day and I?m poorer than ever.
PRINCETON
And what about your dream?
KATE
Some people?s dreams come true, but I don?t think I?m one of those people.
PRINCETON
Don?t say that.
KATE
But that?s the way life is, Princeton.
Nobody teaches you that when you are a kid,
because if you knew, no one would ever dream or want to grow up.
But you can?t stop growing up. I?m late for work.
PRINCETON
Kate, listen! I wish you were happy. And I wish I had my life together,
but I don?t and I don?t know what?s gonna happen.
And I?m so sorry for hurting your feelings because I think you?re so special. Sorry,
that wasn?t more articulate.
KATE
It was perfectly articulate. I should go. (She leaves)
Scene 7
NICKY
Help the homeless! Help the homeless! Oh, hi, Rod!
ROD
Is that the wind I hear wrestling through the branches?
NICKY
Listen, Rod, for now on I?ll believe anything you say about yourself.
And I apologize for being such a messy roommate.
And now that I have a place on my own, right that
dumpster over there, I appreciate how hard it is to keep things nice! Well...?
(Christmas Eve comes in)
Ok Rod, buddy, I see you around.
CE
Rod. Are you Ok?
ROD
Christmas Eve... Can I get soft with you briefly? (He lies on CE?s lap).
CE
Sure. What the problem today?
ROD
Well... it? sad... it?s really... I can?t...
CE
Go on...
ROD
Well, I look at my friends who are married now, and... well... I look at you and Brian... and...
CE
Go on...
ROD
Why don?t I have someone by my side who makes me feel special and safe?
Someone who... loves me the way I love them...
CE
Rod... you special... Rod... you safe.
ROD
I miss Nicky.
CE
I know you do.
Blackout.
Scene 8
(Kate is on the observation deck of the Empire State Building)
I Wish I Could Go Back to College
KATE MONSTER
I wish I could go back to college.
Life was so simple back then.
(Nicky appears on a dark corner, shivering)
NICKY
What would I give to go back and live
in a dorm with a meal plan again!
(Nicky and Kate sigh. Lights rise on Princeton, at the hospital, sitting next to Lucy's bed)
PRINCETON
I wish I could go back to college.
In college you know who you are.
You sit in the quad
and think, "Oh my God!
I am totally gonna go far!"
ALL
How do I go back to college?
I don't know who I am anymore!
PRINCETON
I wanna go back to my room and find
a message in dry-erase pen on the door!
Ohhh...
I wish I could just drop a class...
NICKY
Or get into a play...
KATE MONSTER
Or change my major...
PRINCETON
Or fuck my T.A.
ALL
I need an academic advisor to point the way!
We could be...
Sitting in the computer lab,
4 a.m. before the final paper is due,
cursing the world 'cause I didn't start sooner,
and seeing the rest of the class there, too!
PRINCETON
I wish I could go back to college!
ALL
How do I go back to college?!
Ahhhhhhh....
PRINCETON
I wish I had taken more pictures.
NICKY
But if I were to go back to college,
think what a loser I'd be --
I'd walk through the quad, and think
"Oh my God..."
ALL
"These kids are so much younger than me."
Scene 9
NICKY
Help the homeless! Help the homeless! Oooh! Hey Princeton!
Can you spare a quarter?
PRINCETON
Ohhh no Nicky..
NICKY
Ohhh God Nicky! You know you want to, how about a dime?
Can you spare a dime for your old pal?
PRINCETON
I wanna be alone for a while you know...
NICKY
Oh! Come on, please!
PRINCETON
I wanna be left alone okaaay!!!
NICKY
You know what? Maybe you should stop thinking about yourself.
Like you should try... helping someone else out for a change... like me!
Oh... come on Princeton... give me your quarter...
The Money Song
Give me a quarter!
Here in my hat!
Come on, Princeton,
it's as easy as that!
Helping others brings
you closer to God,
so give me a quarter...
PRINCETON
I don't have any change.
NICKY
Hmmm.
Okay, give me a dollar.
PRINCETON
That's not what I meant.
NICKY
Give me a five!
PRINCETON
Are you kidding?
NICKY
The more you give
the more you get.
That's being alive!
All I'm asking you
is to do what Jesus Christ
would do:
He'd give me a quarter --
why don't you?
PRINCETON
(spoken)
All right, all right, here you go.
(he puts money in Nicky's hat)
NICKY
Ahh, thanks!
PRINCETON
Take care. Whoa!
NICKY
What's the matter?
PRINCETON
I feel -- generous!
I feel -- compassionate!
NICKY
You do?
PRINCETON
Yeah! I feel like a new person -- a good person!
Helping other people out makes you feel fantastic!
NICKY
That's what I've been trying to tell you --
PRINCETON
All this time I've been running around thinking about me, me, me -- and where has it gotten me!
I'm gonna do something for someone else!
NICKY
Me?
PRINCETON
No -- Kate! I'm goi
Last Update:April, 06th 2016