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Musical: 13
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New York’s Upper West Side. Two things are torturing 12-year-old Evan Goldman: His parents’ upcoming divorce, and his looming, all-important Bar Mitzvah, “the event that defines you, the Jewish super bowl!” [13/Becoming a Man] But the stress is really just beginning: Evan’s mother tells him that he has to move away from NYC with her—to Appleton, Indiana! A flat, brown, desolate Midwestern town. Furthermore, Evan will have to have his Bar Mitzvah there, away from all his friends and family, in a town where “UFOs go to refuel.” All is not lost, however. Evan meets his new neighbor, Patrice, a quirky girl who seems to be as much of an outcast in this Midwestern suburbia as he is. [The Lamest Place in the World] There only one way for Evan to survive and be popular in this world, and that’s to get the coolest kids in town to come to his party, especially the coolest of all, the football hero of Dan Quayle Junior High, Brett Sampson. Evan listens in as Brett and his two side-kicks, the pint-sized Malcolm and Eddie, try to figure out the perfect place that Brett can take beautiful head-cheerleader Kendra on a date, so he can do “the Tongue.” [Hey Kendra] Evan makes an ingenious suggestion, to take her to a scary movie so she will cling to Brett and give him the perfect opportunity to do “the Tongue.” Kendra agrees to go on the date, and Brett realizes the new kid, now dubbed as The Brain, “might be useful to have around.” Evan is sure he has his great new life under control—a great new friend in Patrice and an in with the cool kids—when he suddenly has to make a terrifying decision: on his first day at school, Brett and the others make him choose between them and the unpopular Patrice. They won’t come to his party if she’ll be there. Knowing his survival in this new place is at stake, Evan rips up Patrice’s invitation, devastating her. Observing all of this is the manipulative, charming, take-no-prisoners outcast Archie, a ‘special needs’ boy on crutches, and Patrice’s closest friend. He sizes up the new kid, and strikes a deal: he will help Evan smooth things over with Patrice if the now-popular Evan helps him get a date with Kendra, the girl of his handicapped dreams. [Get Me What I Need] Meanwhile, Kendra is having second thoughts, prodded by her best friend Lucy, who explains to an oblivious Kendra the ‘real’ reason Brett asked her to the movie: to do “the Tongue.” Lucy’s real motives are not particularly generous: she has her eyes on Brett for herself! Archie lives up to his part of the new bargain, and tries to get Patrice to forgive Evan. Patrice makes it clear that that’s not going to happen. [What It Means To Be A Friend] Brett, Malcolm, and Eddie corner Evan, and tell him he needs to have his mom get them all tickets to the R-rated movie “The Bloodmaster” if he wants them to come to his party. Evan tries to come up with a plan to get the tickets, and finally realizes that Archie is his secret weapon, because “no one says no to a boy with a terminal illness.” [All Hail the Brain/Terminal Illness] Evan’s scheme works: Brett gets his date, Evan gets the credit, and Archie gets to sit next to Kendra at the movie, thereby fulfilling Evan’s part of the bargain with Archie. Evan is again sure he’s got everything handled; Brett got his date and will come to his party, Archie is under control, and even Patrice agrees to come to the movie when Evan asks her out. [Getting Ready] But things in the movie don’t go as planned for Evan. As Brett and Kendra nervously prepare to kiss, Archie shows up dressed to the eight and a halves, ready for his “date” with Kendra. Evan ignores a scorned Patrice in his attempts to control Archie, and in one terrifying moment, Brett’s planned kiss ends up hitting the wrong target—Archie! [Any Minute] Pandemonium ensues, and as Archie explains that Evan set up this “date” with Kendra for him, Brett goes after both of them. Kendra runs out on Brett, to Lucy’s delight. Furious and frustrated, Brett tells Evan that he’s a dead man, and so is anyone who tries to come to his party. Outside the movie theater, Patrice reams Evan out for being cruel and insensitive. Evan wonders how he can fix every disaster he’s created. Archie asks him how badly he wants to, and in an empowering moment at the cinema’s arcade, Evan finds his inner strength and vows, somehow, not to run and cower, but to take control of his life and fix the mess he created. [Here I Come] The stage suddenly explodes with a high energy Midwestern junior high school football game. Brett, the star quarterback, is clearly still smitten with Kendra, and she with him. Kendra begs Lucy to go talk to Brett for her, and ask forgiveness. Lucy goes to Brett and makes a rather different decision, taking advantage if the opportunity to steal Brett away for herself. [Opportunity] Meanwhile, as Evan shows Archie his renewed confidence, determined to come up with a perfect plan to rectify ALL his mistakes and get Brett to his party, Brett’s boys Malcolm and Eddie are distraught. Brett, now Lucy’s man, has been whipped! As Eddie says, “If I live to be twenty, I’ll never understand women.” [Bad Bad News] Evan overhears this, and comes up with the perfect plan. He tells Malcolm and Eddie he can help Brett get Kendra back and get rid of Lucy, thereby restoring harmony and tongue back into their lives. Archie, fearful for his friend’s well-being, begs Patrice to go help Evan. She reluctantly does. In front of Brett, Evan freezes. He doesn’t know what to tell Brett. Patrice arrives just in time and offers Brett the advice she wishes Evan would take: just talk to her, honestly and from your heart, and tell her you’re sorry. [Tell Her] Brett runs off to put the advice into action. He exits to break up a fight between Kendra and Lucy, and in the process tells Lucy it’s over and, using the words he heard Patrice and Evan say, apologizes to Kendra. It works and the two are back together—thanks to Evan! But Lucy will have none of it, and decides to exact revenge, one of her favorite pastimes. She starts the gossip machine running at full steam, knowing it will get back to Brett. Then she arranges a meeting for Kendra to “thank” Evan for getting her and Brett back together. [It Can’t Be True] Just as Kendra is giving Evan an innocent ‘thank you hug’, Brett and the other kids arrive, and Brett lashes out at Kendra. Evan, finally realizing what he should have known from the beginning, stands up to Brett and publicly calls him out as a bully and a jerk, just in time for Archie and Patrice to see him in his glory. It doesn’t end well. Brett leaves with his new girlfriend, Lucy. Exhausted, depressed, and disillusioned, Evan decides to call off his Bar Mitzvah. But Archie and Patrice won’t give up on him. Life may not turn out the way you want it to, they say, but if you’ve got the right friends, it might turn out just fine. [If That’s What It Is] Evan realizes that the new family he was trying to create in this town was right in front of him all the time. Evan’s Bar Mitzvah isn’t a disaster, after all: his new best friends come, as does his father, who proudly sits with his mother, and just for one moment, they are a family again. Evan realizes that his life is just beginning, and that many more mistakes and choices will be made, but you can only look forward, and no matter what you do, you can’t go back. [A Little More Homework] And then, everyone celebrates! [Brand New You]
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